AVERTING DISASTER

Credit: Axelle/Bauer-Griffin

The World Can Rest: Cher Is Not Dead

By Linda Seccaspina

WHAT A SICK WORLD WE LIVE IN! A Twitter hoaxster spread the rumor that the iconic Cher had died, setting off pandemonium in Tweetville. Even the lying liar Kim Kardashian retweeted the lie.

Almost immediately my phone rang off the hook with calls from friends asking what we were going to wear to the memorials that would soon spread across the nation. As I told my friends: if Justin Bieber is still alive and well, then Cher is definitely not dead.

The circumstantial evidence:

Cheek implants.

Breast implants.

Nose job.

Lip enhancement.

Wigs.

Cher has had as much plastic surgery as modern medicine allows, and if she died tomorrow it would be an environmental disaster. The first Tweet with official news of her passing would have to come from the government, and her used parts would fill our landfill sites, pieces eventually gravitating to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

The first signs Cher might be on the edge of death? Her face would begin looking etched like used plastic bottlesand parts of her would gradually flow into the nearest waterway. Because her breasts and nose are made with heavy plastics; she’d appear like a Halloween skeleton with rubber rose and breasts intact.

That’s why Cher must never die, lest she end up killing us all.

Linda Seccaspina loves snark and scandal and can’t wait for Beyoncé to get busted for faking her pregnancy. She writes regularly for the dating site Zoomers. Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee.