MINDLESS BEHAVIOR
The Show With Vinny: Cringe-tastic Jenny & Harry 2.0
By Karen Malmquist
IN CASE LAST WEEK’S LOVEFEST WAS TOO HEARTWARMING to handle, Jenny McCarthy’s here to deliver the discomfort we’ve grown used to on The Show with Vinny. All I can say is, thank god Uncle Nino is missing. Then get ready to meet the newest boy-band to take over the airwaves (and if you’re a parent or older sibling, probably your wallet, too).
According to Wikipedia, Jenny is a “comedian.” That’s debatable. She makes a lot of innuendos and talks about boners, which is pretty much the extent of her “comedy.” The least amusing thing about her, according to mom Paolo, is that she’s “allergic to garlic.” Really? Not the vaccinations mumbo jumbo? Mom’s suspicious that she really just doesn’t want to get gassy in mixed company. Vinny complains that he has “an image in my head of Jenny McCarthy, and it’s not her farting.”
When McCarthy arrives and sweeps inside, she towers over everyone, her wavy blonde hair and unblinking eyes transforming her into a fresh-talking Barbie Doll. Being a living, breathing human male, Vinny breaks out in hives. “Look, he’s getting blotchy again,” his mom exclaims.
Mom gives Jenny a bag of pistachios, confessing she didn’t know what to do when she found out Jenny’s allergic to garlic and apparently wine. Wait, wine?! Isn’t she friends with Chelsea Handler? How does that work?
Vinny gives a tour of the house, and she asks to see his room. She plops on the bed and asks if he’s ever had sex there, since this is the house he grew up in. Vinny just says “uhh…”, prompting her to ask if he’s ever had sex there while his family was home. Another “uhh…” They measure the squeakiness of the mattress. Jenni says she feels ridiculous being to dolled-up and insists that she likes to be casual, so she asks if she could trade her Louboutin boots for a pair of his sneakers. After putting on a pair of his kicks, she makes him nervous by feeling him up under his shirt.
The conversation veers into an advice session with “Cougar Mentor” Jenny to Vinny. “Confidence is everything,” she says. “Like, you can have a beer belly, and, like you, know, a hairy belly. But if you have confidence, you will still get laid.”
Jenny and Vinny get dragged out of the bedroom to talk about how Jenny got her start. Mom explains that she’d do Playboy if she had pillows placed in the right areas. Then she stands up and demonstrates. Vinny is embarrassed, not even knowing what to say. Jenny, however, loves it.
To wrap-up her visit, they all play ‘Never Have I Ever’ together, and it goes from awkwardly talking about watching porn to how Vinny is uncircumcised. I’ve never seen Vinny look so happy to have his guest leave. Again, thank god Uncle Nino is nowhere to be found. If he knew that the most famous Playmate in the world was in his nephew’s house, he’d drop whatever he was doing (I’m assuming getting thrown out of a bowling alley or something of that nature) and come on to her more aggressively than Krazy Glue on…anything, really.
Next, Vinny hops on over to Fun Station (the scene of his 9th birthday party) to see Mindless Behavior. These guys are apparently the next big thing in the boy-band world, but with an R&B edge and some really sweet dance moves. Seriously, today’s biggest boy-bands don’t dance at all, which is probably the most upsetting thing to happen in pop culture this century. It’s weird that I’ve never heard of these guys, seeing as I’m almost 22 years old and seeing One Direction in concert in less than a month. I mean, these kids DANCE! Where were they when my embarrassing boy-band phase began 18 months ago (and ended shortly after)?
What I can gather from this segment is that Mindless Behavior has their own version of Harry Styles who apparently has quite a track record with the ladies and a serious hair situation going on right now. Maybe I’ve never heard of these guys because Harry 2.0 hasn’t been in the news for dating Taylor Swift and sleeping with multiple women in their 30s- two of them being married?
Harry 2.0 (we have yet to learn their names) sends out a tweet for their fans to come to Fun Station. After the guys teach Vinny some of their signature moves, a swarm of teenaged girls flock to Fun Station. The group greets and takes pictures with everyone, even putting on an impromptu mini show for them. After the girls leave, Paolo comes bearing the gift of pizza. They act like this is greatest thing to ever happen to them, as if mom is an angel sent from heaven to give them their favorite food. I’d kill to see them engage in a polite-off with A$AP Rocky.
The guys talk about performing at the Presidential Inauguration and how cool it was to meet President Obama and the First Family. No mention of whether or not POTUS and Joe Biden used outdated slang like “gnarly” or “groovy” or “tight” with them in an attempt to seem like cool dads in front of their kids.
Right before they’re forced to say goodbye, the guys then teach mom the same dances they showed Vinny. It goes about as well as you’d expect.
Next week, former Wall Street day trader, current solo artist/ respected stock investor, and current former member of LMFAO, Red Foo stops by the house to discuss the current state of the American economy. Just kidding. They put on wigs and crazy glasses and shuffle all through the house, likely scuffing the freshly-mopped floors.
