TRUE NORTH? DON’T BET ON IT

Kimye’s Baby Looks Something Like This

ADMIT IT: AREN’T YOU EXCITED FOR THAT FIRST PEEK AT BABY KIMYE’S CHUBBY CHEEKS? To hear that first declaration that Nori has his eyes and her nose and — oh, gawd, Bey and Jay are going to be so jealous?

I thought so. So TADA! here she is — not? TMZ claims the above snap is being shopped around for “A LOT OF $$$$” by a friend of Kim Kardashian who claims it’s a photo of the reality star’s baby with Kanye West.

But hold your horses, folks, ’cause the online tabloid claims the photo is a “FRAUD!”

THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Dave Spade Deadpans ‘Reese Is ‘Falling To Pieces’

By Elizabeth C.

TMZ’S SCORED SOME GRAINY VIDEO SHOWING REESE WITHERSPOON IN HANDCUFFS THAT you can check out here, but we think far more worthy of your time (okay, not really) is
David Spade’s off-the-cuff guideline on when it’s okay to pull the ol’
‘Don’t you know who I am’ excuse.

“Reese is falling to pieces, is that what I’m hearing?,” Spade cracks to TMZ’s reporter on scene.

“I think the general rule is when you say, ‘Do you know who I am?,’ the answer is most likely no,’ ‘ the gum-chewing comedian opines. “If you have to explain to someone you’re famous then you’re technically not that famous.”

LOVE CELEBRITY STYLE

Kim Kardashian Gets Her Divorce Wish; Officially Unwed Mother-To-Be

By Kyra Senese

THE DIVORCE BATTLE LASTED SEVEN TIMES LONGER THAN THE MARRIAGE, BUT Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are finally legally kaput.

A Los Angeles judge confirmed Friday that Kimmie and super-estranged ex Kris Humphries have agreed on terms to settle their divorce. But TMZ reports that Humphries got ZIP and RadarOnline claims the b-baller settled because he was about to be force-fed “a sh*t sandwich and chose to settle.”

MIXED BLESSING?

Report: Paris Jackson Spends 15th Birthday With Birth Mom Debbie Rowe

IF WE COULD THINK OF ONE GOOD THING TO COME OUT OF MICHAEL JACKSON’S DEATH, IT WOULD BE THIS: TMZ claims Paris Jackson is drawing close to her birth mother, Debbie Rowe.

The online tab reports the 15-year-old beauty “has secretly reestablished ties with her birth mother,” most recently spending a few hours with her on her 15th birthday Wednesday.

Rowe gave birth to Jackson’s two oldest children, Prince and Paris, before signing away her parental rights to the music icon when Paris was just three years old. Rowe has been excoriated in the media for cutting ties for what is assumed a financial payoff.

BULLY

Chris Brown Caught On Tape Turning Ugly, Threatening Valet, Acting Like Spoiled Ass

By Elizabeth C.

OH, CHRIS, YOU STUPID ASS FOOL.

TMZ CATCHES THE despised singer threatening to ‘turn this hos butt up,” or something to that effect when a valet outside LA’s PINZ bowling alley demands $10 for parking Wednesday night. It’s an ugly scene captured on tape and it shows Brown’s roiling sense of entitlement and violent tendencies.

NO PARKING HERE

Frank Ocean Chooses “Peace” After Parking Fight Fiasco

By Elizabeth C.

HERE’S A LESSON WE LEARNED THIS WEEK: Don’t ever park in Frank Ocean’s parking space.

TMZ reported Monday that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a tussle overnight at an L.A. recording studio over an effing parking spot. The online tab immediately followed up with claims from Brown’s camp that Ocean began the scuffle.

USUAL TALES OF WOE

Credit: TMZ/SplashOnline

Lindsay Lohan’s Too Sick To Fly But Not Shop?

By Jacob Wittich

LINDSAY LOHAN WAS SUPPOSED TO APPEAR IN COURT WEDNESDAY for a probation hearing, but her new lawyer Mark Heller reportedly told the Los Angeles County judge the troubled tart is too sick to fly out to Los Angeles.

Heller presented the judge with a note from a doctor stating that Lindsay has an upper respiratory infection and shouldn’t be flying for the safety of herself and the safety of the public, reports. His evidence? A New York Post article on the city’s influenza outbreak.

RAP SHEET

Chris Brown & Frank Throw Down; Rick Ross Escapes Drive-By

By Elizabeth C.

CHRIS BROWN AND FRANK OCEAN THREW DOWN OVER THE WEEKEND, ostensibly over a parking spot, but we know it’s more about ego.

TMZ first reported that the two hip hop stars exchanged blows Sunday night at Westlake Studio in L.A. Sources told the online tab that Ocean started the fight when he blocked Brown from leaving. “Frank said, ‘This is my studio, this is my parking spot,” TMZ reports. Which if true, we’ve gotta ask: then why not let Brown just walk out the door?

GOSSIP TODAY

Credit: NBC

Love Celebrity Style: Robsten’s Twilight, J Lo’s Good Will & LiLo’s Good …Company?

By Elizabeth C.

THANK GOD FOR THE FIRST AMENDMENT, which, among other things allows us to fill our own tediously boring lives with wild speculation about celebrities’ love lives. And just in case you’re really feeling empty, we’ve got scads of deliriously good gossip to pass on.

For starters, sniff sniff, the London Sun is reporting that the sun is setting on Twilight lovers Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.

TIL THE SEASON ENDS

Report: Britney Spears Is Bagging X Factor For First Love — Music

By Jacob Wittich

FOLLOWING A SERIES OF RUMORS THAT THE X FACTOR would not rehire Britney Spears, TMZ reports that Britney has actually chosen not to return for a second season.

The online tab quotes unidentified sources saying that the pop princess is leaving to refocus on her music. Yet a new report by Perez Hilton contradicts TMZ, saying Spears quit when she saw “the writing on the wall.”