FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Jersey Shore Recap: The Worst Break-Up Movie Ever

By Karen Malmquist

GYM, TAN, BREAK UP WITH PAULA? Well, this was a short romance, with embarrassment rivaling having your mom chaperone prom night, but Mike and Paula’s bust-up was bound to happen. When both parts of a couple don’t have proper social skills or etiquette, things are going to fall apart quickly.

UPPING THE DRAMA

Cray + Cray Equals Cray Cray: Daniel Staub Returns To Real Housewives Of New Jersey

By Karen Malmquist

AS IF LEGITIMATE CRAZY PERSON TERESA GIUDICE ISN’T ENOUGH, Bravo has offered Danielle Staub a contract to appear in upcoming episodes of Real Housewives of New Jersey. So would she be contractually obligated to come in and scowl and feel attacked again, or have the cameras magically captured one of the housewives trying to kill her again?

SECURITY!

The Real Housewives Of Atlanta, Season 5: Breaking Back With ‘Cootchie Crack’

By Karen Malmquist

HOLD ON TO YOUR WEAVES! Season Five of The Real Housewives of Atlanta kicked off Sunday with a new, crazy-eyed housewife who expects the world to know who she is. Kenya Moore screams at Cynthia’s employees and co-workers about lady parts, and it looks like she’s only going to get more insane as we go. Think of her as a cross between Danielle Staub and Glen Close in Fatal Attraction.

BLOWHARD ALERT

Honey Boo Boo Visits Dr. Drew & All That’s Missing Is The Snack For Good Behavior

By Elizabeth C.

HERE’S HOW A HONEY BOO BOO CHILD BEHAVES WHEN IT’S TRAPPED IN A CAGE OF BATHOS.

The poor little chitlin’s been fed and poked and prodded and now paraded through the market to see what price she’ll bring.

Keep your eyes bright, child! Put your feet down! Pay attention! Look into the camera! Answer the TV man’s questions!

A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

Jersey Shore: They Lost Their Poor Meatball

By Karen Malmquist

AMERICA HANGS ITS COLLECTIVE HEAD THIS MORNING, WONDERING IF WE’RE RIGHT FOR LAUGHING At Deena Cortese as she cried and danced her way to jail on Thursday’s Jersey Shore. We watch her world unraval and her big bouncy ball deflate, along with her sobriety.

NOW THAT’S AUTHENTIC

Credit: Chris Hansen on Photobucket

Should CouponCabin Hire Mama June Shannon To Be Its ‘Coupon Queen’ ?

By Elizabeth C.

KATE GOSSELIN WAS DISSED AND DUMPED FROM HER BLOGGING GIG WITH COUPONCABIN.

Scott Kluth, the company’s CEO, announced Kate’s firing in a snippy letter published Tuesday suggesting that the the former reality star is inauthentic.

LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY

Honey Boo Boo Goes To La La Land, Proves She Already Lives There

By Elizabeth C.

CLICK PLAY ABOVE AND WITNESS THE SHENANIGANS of a monster in the making.

Beauty pageant winner Alana Thompson and Mama June Shannon popped by several TV shows in Los Angeles Monday to promote their breakout reality show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. The aim was to shock and appall home viewers into setting their dials to TLC for more jawdropping antics of — is it too soon to judge? — a 7-year-old budding sociopath.

WELCOME TO THE DOLL HOUSE

All The World Loves A Winner: Lena Dunham, Honey Boo Boo

By Elizabeth C.

WE’RE REMINDED THAT ALL THE WORLD LOVES A WINNER THE DAY AFTER TWO PUBLIC PRONOUNCEMENTS: Girls producer Lena Dunham lands a $3.7 million book contract, and Rosie O’Donnell wants to buy Honey Boo Boo a house. Well, isn’t that special.

21 QUESTIONS

Snooki & JWoww: Barbara Walters That Sh*

By Karen Malmquist

AFTER WEEKS OF PRETENDING WE DIDN’T KNOW SNOOKI WAS EXPECTING A BABY BOY, America put on their best surprised faces during Thursday’s Snooki & JWoww season finale. Now it’s time to get down to baby business: specifically, is she going to accidentally do her business all over little Lorenzo when he’s born?

CONGRATS, WE THINK

Nick Lachey & Vanessa Minnillo Name Son ‘Camden’

By Elizabeth C.

MAZEL TOV TO NICK AND VANESSA LACHEY on the birth of their new son, Camden John. The reality TV couple welcomed their first child Wednesday evening.