WHAT LIES BENEATH

Snooki & JWoww: Picture Perfect (Despite The Secrets)

By Karen Malmquist

THOUGH SHE’S NOT EXACTLY BACK TO PEEING ON decks like her Jersey Shore days, Nicole is now hiding under one on Tuesday’s Snooki & JWoww. And while the meatball is sneaking smokes, Roger’s hiding something of his own.

Nicole and Jionni are still at their romance-reigniting dinner from last week, and Nicole is stumbling down the line between responsible parent and party girl by suggesting she pump-and-dumps at the restaurant while still tipsy. When they get home via cab, they say hi to Jenni, Roger, and Lorenzo, expecting their baby to say hi back. He doesn’t.

DATE NIGHT

Snooki & Jwoww: Goodbye Cankles, Hello Old Friend

By Karen Malmquist

GOODBYE, CANKLES, GOODBYE, INTIMACY! Nicole and Jionni are bickering and losing sleep in Tuesday’s new episode of Snooki & JWoww, but it’s nothing a little (or a lot) of wine won’t fix.

Elsewhere, things get heavy with Jenni and Roger when debating whether or not to visit her mother.

Jenni and her dad go out to lunch and talk about the possibility of her introducing Roger to her mom. The only problem is, she hasn’t seen her mom in almost two years, as she’s been living in an assisted living home with a mysterious medical condition. Jenni’s tried to get her to meet Roger before, but she once told her, over speaker phone with Roger in the room, that she had no intention of meeting him.

DOMESTICATION BEGINS

Snooki & JWoww: Roughing It

By Karen Malmquist

EATING BEAR BALLS, DIGGING FOR CLAMS, AND BEFRIENDING A WOLF SPIDER: some girls have all the fun.

Last week’s momentous Snooki & J-Woww ended with Nicole asking “now what?” upon taking Lorenzo home. On Thursday’s new episode, it’s time for the “now what?”

Jionni forgets the box of formula the hospital provided for them, so things are off to a great start.

Up in Maine, after Jenni has gotten her eyelashes on, she and Roger head out for some fishing by his family’s nearby lake house. Surely the fish will appreciate the effort she’s put in to look good for them.

Nicole’s feeding Lorenzo, and as he’s sucking on some formula, he poops on Nicole’s leg. Looks like he needs to be changed. She and Jionni try to change his diaper, but it turns out they’ve got it on backwards.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Snooki & JWoww: Arriving Screaming & Kicking

By Karen Malmquist

THE MOST IMPORTANT BIRTH OF THE COMMON ERA IS HAPPENING: baby Lorenzo is arriving on Snooki & J-Woww! We’re picking up where we left off last week, with Nicole scared and in tears as she enters the final stage of labor. Her giant Miss Piggy eyelashes flutter in frenzy as she realizes that this child will not be born the same shade of orange as his parents.

Oh god, here come the tears. Nicole is almost done pushing, and everyone is in the waiting room with their ear to the door, sobbing as they hear Lorenzo enter the world.

ARE WE THERE YET?

Snooki & J-Woww: Last Call At Club Uterus

By Karen Malmquist

LORENZO, WHY SO STUBBORN? On Tuesday’s Snooki & J-Woww, Nicole is nearing “D” day, but the baby is giving her hell on the way out.

Nicole is experiencing the worst pain of her life, crying and saying she’s over being pregnant. Jionni comforts her and says that she’ll feel better soon.

Meanwhile, Jenni and Roger throw a barbecue, and while they’re quietly sitting on the deck together, her dad goes into Uncle Nino mode. Roger gives him some swim trunks, so he hops into the hot tub with the bikini-clad Renee. Although she’s laughing, Jenni says that he’s turning into Vinny’s infamous uncle, to which he says, “I don’t have a cane. I have another kind of wood!” What a class act.

BROACHING NEW WATERS

Snooki & J-Woww: Rocks & A Rockem Sockem Baby

By Karen Malmquist

OH BABY! LORENZO IS FIST PUMPING A little too hard inside of Nicole on Tuesday’s episode of “Snooki & J-Woww”. Nicole is on the verge of an emotional collapse as she enters her third trimester, but it doesn’t stop her from giving Jenni a reality check about her out-of-this-world engagement ring demands.

So last week, Nicole got a call from Jionni, letting her know that he is in the hospital. She’s worried, saying she’s going to go see him, but his mom Janice advises her to rest and put her feet up and that he’ll be fine. Nicole leaves for the hospital anyway, because she is way too worried about him.

THE END OF AN ERA

Jersey Shore Finale: Overly-Attached Guidos

By Karen Malmquist

BEFORE THE APOCALYPSE BEFALLS US, BEFORE FIRE SPILLS FROM THE SKY and the Earth’s crust splits open, let’s take a moment to reflect on the final episode of Jersey Shore. Of course, it can’t be too sappy. There are unmentionables making their way into the roommates’ mouths, and we experience yet another horrific moment in Nicole’s life. But dammit if this isn’t one of the saddest finales in television history.

A REGULAR WONDER WOMAN

To Everyone’s Surprise, Snooki Tells Billy Bush She Has A Future

By Karen Malmquist

POOR BILLY BUSH. THE ACCESS HOLLYWOOD LIVE HOST had Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi on his show Thursday to talk about motherhood when things went from uncomfortable to awkward before veering to surprisingly intellectual.

BOARDWALK MEMORIES

The End Of A Cultural Phenomenon: The Jersey Shore Wraps

By Karen Malmquist

IT’S THE END OF AN ERA,THE CLOSING OF AN EPIC CHAPTER IN America’s pop culture history: Jersey Shore is ending. The upcoming season will be the reality show’s sixth and final season.

Let’s all bow our heads in silence.

A MIRACLE

Pickle Shots For Everyone! Snooki Gives Birth To Baby Lorenzo

By Elizabeth C.

HE’S ARRIVED!

New Jersey’s No. 1 Party Girl, Nicole Polizzi, joyously announces the arrival of Lorenzo Dominic LaValle. New Jersey’s chosen son broke through Snooki’s vajajay about 3a.m.Sunday at Saint Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, NJ. He’s the surprise result of a determined spermatoza let loose one unaccountable boozy party night. And it’ll be a miracle if he doesn’t show signs of fetal alcohol syndrome. (Kidding, haha.)

Both mom and dad, Jionn LaValle, are reportedly euphoric.