DEEP
Revenge: Backstabbing Noir
A MERE 12 WEEKS BEFORE THAT FATAL NIGHT when Daniel ended up face down in the Hamptons sand, Ashley whisks Emily away from the match to a private linen-sheet fortress, er, I mean chic tent, for some champers and a frank discussion about how “dangerous” Daniel is.
Of course, then there’s the 20 minutes where the narrator basically goes around and separates the actors from the extras.
I woke up when she got to Bill Harmon, the douchebag carrying a pair of red dice in his hand as he schmoozes the crowd. Emily remembers “Uncle Bill” visiting her dad to talk about Grayson, and from the ominous score that begins playing, we realize that Uncle Bill is on Emily’s shit list.
Cut to the townie bar, where Jack’s been ordered to close up and take inventory of everything they have — Declan, Jack’s brother, asks to borrow the boat and immediately texts Charlotte to ask her out.
Emily interrupts a terse conversation between Conrad, Victoria and Bill on the sidelines, where she informs them she’ll be buying Lydia’s house. As they exchange pleasantries, Lydia calls Grayson and you can see the RAGE being suppressed by Victoria’s icy exterior as she excuses herself.
Norman, as usual, is just hanging around. Jack calls to see if Norman still wants the boat, and Norman condescends a bit before agreeing to buy it. Emily perches in the corner, watching, and is approached by Bill, who takes notice that Emily knows Nolan. “Bit of an odd bird,” he remarks. Taking a look around at all the White House Black Market and Dockers flitting in and out of the tent, I’d venture a guess that anyone not donned in this ho-hum Hamptons uniform would receive the same assessment. Like any good Bernie Madoff wannabe, he offers to handle her money. Oh, yeah, he’ll handle it good, all the way to Switzerland.
Emily’s memory for betrayal is long, and we’re treated to yet another flashback, this time of Bill serving as a witness at her father’s trial. The two were colleagues at Conrad Grayson’s firm, and it seems like everyone at that place had it out for David, Emily’s dad. While she waits for that simmering pot to boil, Emily makes her moves on Daniel, post-polo match.
Frank, the private eye and head of Conrad’s security detail, fills Victoria in on Emily. But since there are no records on her, it’s just “filthy rich, squeaky clean.” He suggests Victoria speak with Emily herself. She then asks if Frank knew that Conrad was cheating on her with Lydia, and the steely-voiced Clint Eastwood knockoff replies with, “I’m head of your husband’s security, of course I knew. It’s my job to keep secrets. You of all people should appreciate that.”br>
Jack signs the boat over to Nolan, and Nolan asks why the boat’s named Amanda. Jack says it’s just a girl he knew once. And then Nolan…confesses that he doesn’t know how to sail. “I was thinking we could make another arrangement,” he says. He wants someone to hang out with this summer – like Gilligan and Skipper. “Why would I want to hang out with you?” Jack asks. And Nolan, in a clever bit of foreshadowing, replies, “Because you don’t want to see Amanda end up on the bottom of the ocean.”
Jack and Nolan take off in the boat, leaving Declan without when Charlotte shows up with a bunch of douchey hangers-on from the Hills. You’d think by now, townies and Hamptons summer snobs would just acknowledge that they don’t fit together as friends or family.
Emily goes through the box, remembering another meeting between Bill and David. Turns out Frank was on to Bill’s Ponzi scheme, and Conrad says he’ll cut him a deal. Since it’s either this deal or prison, Bill says he’ll take the deal – which I bet has something to do with framing David. Emily reviews Bill’s testimony against her father, and realizes that every accusation Bill made against David was a pseudo-confession of Bill’s own crimes.
A phone call disturbs Emily’s shit/brainstorm. Victoria calls to invite her over for tea. “I think it’s time we got to know each other a little bit better,” she offers. The wind from the terrace blows her hair ever so slightly. I’m not sure why that’s important. But there are so many obvious metaphors, foreshadowing and other tactics that I figured I should mention it.
Emily meets with Bill, who shows her a bunch of impressive graphs that all point upward that he totally didn’t make in Excel five minutes earlier. Meanwhile, Conrad’s limo picks Lydia up at the corner, and he’s all, “Why are you upset?” And it’s amazing that he can pick up on that, because her face barely moves from all the Botox. “I’m not upset,” she pushes through her lockjaw. “I’m ruined.” She hands him the stereotypical manila folder. I wonder if in the next scene Emily will use the magnifying glass from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, or pull out her own manila Clue envelope from her box of stuff.
Turns out that her ex had a private eye snap photos of Lydia and Conrad together, which triggers a fidelity clause in their pre-nup. So now, that silver spoon she’s been sucking on (among other things) is being yanked away, along with all her jewelry, the beach house…even the dog. “Everything is gone,” she tells him. And Conrad, like the first-class jerk he is, goes, “Well, I’m sorry, Lydia, really I am, but what can I do about it?” Yeah, you’re only one person. Only the one person who could help. But don’t let that tiny distinction stop you from kicking her out, brushing off your adulterating Brooks Brothers shoulders and slipping into a dry martini. “You can write me a check. A big one.” she tells him.
Just then, Emily gets a call from her realtor, revealing that the beach house was sold to someone else, despite the strong bid she’d placed on it earlier.
Jack’s taking inventory when Declan confronts him. “You and Dad have been acting like such tools lately,” he shouts. Jack yells back, “Dad’s broke. I sold the boat to keep this albatross going.” And of course, Dad overhears and asks Jack if that’s true. He’s pissed and tells him to cancel it, because no one asked him to do that. True to awkward form, Nolan chooses that moment to call Jack for another boat lesson, as Jack works to smooth things over with his father.
As he’s climbing into his dot-com Hummer, Emily waits in the backseat. “I told you, if you got in my way, I’d take you out.” Nolan bought the beach house, and Emily is beyond pissed. Nolan is throwing all kinds of roadblocks up. But they’re good ones: he reveals that if he hadn’t, Victoria would’ve gotten it – she outbid Emily that morning. “Why is it so important for you to be a part of this?” Emily asks. Nolan is fond of her father, as he was the only one who believed in him, and he can’t let it go — he’s almost as invested as Emily herself. He put the deed in her name and told her to consider it a birthday gift. He’s the only one who remembered the date. Sad.
From a state-run max security prison to tea for two at a Hamptons house on the hill, Emily is holding her own with Victoria. They discuss Emily’s past, which she totally makes up, telling Victoria that she’s obsessed with history and landmark preservation: “My father always said our past is what defines us.” Victoria counters that she thinks our choices define us, and Emily points out that some people aren’t lucky enough to be given choices.
Just then Daniel interrupts, sweaty and gross from a run. Emily uses that as her reason to leave, mentioning the issues with the realtor. As Victoria feigns sympathy knowing full well she’s the cause of the trouble, Emily looks at her phone and announces that she is, as of that moment, the official owner of the home. Victoria’s staring daggers as Daniel asks her out on a lunch date.
Nolan and Emily walk through the town square, when Bill Harmon pulls up and sees them walking together. Bill and Emily sit down to discuss business. Emily asks about Alcone Cellular, a Chinese cell company, and says “a little birdie” told her about it. She and Nolan started a rumor that Nolan’s company was planning to buy them out, so Bill tells his entire firm to go all in on Alcone. Then, seconds later, Nolan releases a statement saying that he has not, nor will he ever, buy Alcone – thoroughly screwing Bill in the process. Stocks plunge and the Ponzi house of c
ards collapse. Of course, then Emily begins calling Bill’s clients with the bad news, posing as his secretary.
Daniel calls Emily and asks how she feels about surprises. She says, “Tonight? I feel good. What should I wear?” He says, “Surprise me.” and hangs up. He clinks glasses with Ashley.
Speaking of surprises, Frank once again slithers up to Victoria’s door with more news on Emily. He reveals a few role calls from the Preservation Society that have both her name and Michael Davis’s — Lydia’s husband. The rumor about Michael cheating resurfaces, bringing Emily with it.
Bill’s clients are pulling out and they’re finished. Phones ring off the hook. Clients crowd the lobby. And so ends Bill Harmon’s horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.
Nolan stops by to see why Jack hasn’t returned his calls. He offers to give Jack the boat back at the end of the season, if he hangs out with Nolan and goes to a few parties. Declan talks him into it, and Jack splits with Nolan.
At the same time, Emily and Daniel take a lovely stroll on the beach. Daniel tells an equally lovely tale about Harvard, and a job waiting for him at his father’s firm. Emily reveals that her parents are gone, but invites him to see the house. They’re about to kiss on the patio when Jack’s dog breaks loose. Ashley flings open the doors to reveal a surprise Welcome to the Hamptons party.
Charlotte and Adam are parting ways for the afternoon when Declan texts her. Adam, posing as Charlotte, arranges to meet him. Of course, they beat the crap out of him while Jack is busy crashing the surprise party. Dec’s dad comes to the rescue but Dec yells at him for being drunk and being a loser. As Dec runs off to lick his wounds, his father has a heart attack.
Nolan asks why Emily leaked the wrong info to the press, and she’s all too amused as she reveals how she ruined Bill. Even Nolan is impressed. It’s funny how simple it was to con someone who spends their entire day crafting elaborate Ponzi schemes so believable that he’s able to run them for DECADES without consequence. Meanwhile, Jack and Emily talk on the patio, where it becomes a little clearer that maybe Jack realizes that Emily and Amanda are the same person.
Frank reveals that Emily’s record from 16-18 is sealed by the court, so Victoria demands that Frank follow Emily everywhere. And as paranoid as she is, Victoria can’t prevent Daniel from from falling for the woman she knows nothing about.
One final flashback. Emily remembers Victoria and and her father having an affair, and that Bill knew about it. “I trusted the wrong person,” David tells her. Emily narrates that trust is a difficult thing. Harder still is trusting what’s in your heart. In the end, the only person you can truly trust is yourself. Alone in her new house, she lights a birthday candle and wishes Amanda a happy birthday.
Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @askmizj.
