OUT OF PLACE
Real Housewives Of Orange County: Incendiary Properties
By Karen Malmquist
BEFORE VENTURING INTO ORANGE COUNTY TONIGHT for what’s guaranteed to be an explosive reunion, let’s revisit Vicki’s backyard winter wonderland/hell.
Slade and Ryan take the term “d-bag” to a whole new level as they’re confronted by the ladies, and little “Cheeseburger” unleashes her sharp tongue.
Gretchen and Slade appear to be the last people to arrive at the party, and they show up just in time for the other ladies to finish gossiping about them. Everyone has a bone to pick with Gretchen at this point. Tamra doesn’t like that she comes off as shady. Vicki doesn’t like that she stole Tamra. Heather doesn’t like that she claims she was offered a role on Malibu Country. Lydia hates Slade. It’s a hard knock life for Gretchen Rossi, but at least she has “Housewife”-hopper Slade to lean on during this tough time.
With Gretchen out of view for a second, Vicki decides to trump Gretchen’s friendship bracelet to Tamra from last year by presenting her with a friendship handcuff. At least, that’s how Vicki is selling it. If you look closely, you can totally see the “You’re my friend and only my friend! No one else can have you!”
In her interview, Tamra says it would’ve been nice to have some friendship shoes. Amen, sister. But nothing’s more prepossessing than a gold-plated shackle you can wear on your wrist for everyone to see.
Alexis, radiant over no longer being the most hated “Housewife,” does a toast to friendship with Vicki and Tamra.
On the other side of the party, Heather and Terry sit down with Gretchen and Slade. The ladies exchange a few friendly words before arguing over the Malibu Country fiasco. Personally, I don’t get it. If Heather’s such a great actress, she would’ve been able to smell a bad script from a mile away and have no problem with someone committing career suicide in her place.
The victim in the who-stole-whose part argument is Terry, who’s stuck in between the ladies and Slade. As Slade inserts himself in the drama, as usual, Terry awkwardly looks at his feet, and then thinks about how much he hates his life as he looks up at a faux snowflake. A faux flake, if you will.
Gretchen says she has no intention of becoming an actress, and doesn’t appreciate Heather’s condescending tone. Heather says she knows Gretchen will not be an actress, and goes as far as to say that there’s “no competition.” Don’t worry, you’ll always have your song on iTunes.
The ladies have given up. Neither of them wants to apologize, so they just decide to give each other a cold hug and go their separate ways.
Somewhere deep inside Vicki’s house, a very tired Judy sits on the couch so she can get off her feet for a while. Although the cameras are off her, she’s still mic’d. And so is Ryan, who is heard barging in and yelling for her to get her feet off “his f****** couch. When Judy asks who he is, he angrily says, “I own — I live here!” But that’s not all, folks! He goes on to call her a bitch, prompting Judy to quickly get out of there while he’s still screaming at her.
Judy finds Lydia, and says she wants to go home. Vicki comes over and asks what’s wrong, and Ryan interrupts them by yelling at Judy again, calling her a bitch for a second time. This is not looking good for you, Ryan. You’re in the armed forces, and you’ve got cameras on you right now. This is not “pillar of society” behavior.
Briana comes over and tries to can Ryan down, but he refuses to stop. He says that Judy was “disrespecting” Vicki’s house. Judy is dumbfounded, Lydia starts crying, and Vicki has no idea what to do at this point.
As Lydia and Judy head out of the party, Tamra and Alexis spot them from across the backyard and run after them in hopes of getting them to stay. Tamra and Alexis ask what happened, and upon hearing about Ryan’s little tantrum, try to cheer them up. Alexis says Ryan needs some fairy dust, and Alexis laughs that she’s usually the bitchy one at parties. They manage to get Lydia and her mom to smile again, as Vicki makes her way over to them. She says she’s so sorry for Ryan’s behavior, and asks them to come back to the party.
Meanwhile, Vicki’s brother Billy finds Ryan and angrily tells him to cut it out, adding that it’s Vicki’s house, not his. Vicki makes the rules, not Ryan. Like an angry toddler who is told he can’t get that extra toy, Ryan storms off with Briana behind him.
Vicki confronts Ryan about his unacceptable behavior. He tries to convince Vicki that Judy “screamed” at him. Uhh, no. Microphones don’t lie, Ryan. They hear everything, and they don’t pull words out of thin air. Nice try, though.
Out of nowhere, Vicki tells Briana that she’s going to continue seeing Brooks, to which Briana says she’s moving out.
On a lighter note, Tamra and the Bellinos have a nice moment in the backyard together. She tells them that she was very harsh on Alexis for no reason, but knows that she is a good person with a heart of gold. Alexis starts to cry, and after wiping her tears away with her scarf, Jim says that she’s ruining a $1,000 piece of fabric. Some things never change.
Vicki has decided to confront Slade once and for all, so she has Gretchen call him over. She tells him that she made two drinks for her Vicki’s Vodka line inspired by his trash-talking: bacon vodka and the “Bloody Piggy.” Okay, she might not be the first person to come up with bacon vodka, but it’s good to see that she is no longer hurt by a grown-ass man’s middle school cattiness.
In her interview, Gretchen is annoyed that Vicki has the nerve to promote her vodka line right now. At her own party? Disgusting! Gretchen obviously forgot about how she threw Gretchen Christina beauty bags at everyone at Tamra’s bachelorette party.
Slade and Gretchen say the vodka should be changed to “Dead Beat Dad” vodka, since apparently that’s what Vicki thinks of Slade. Vicki says a man should never insult a woman’s looks, but Gretchen and Slade say that insulting his character and parenting is so much worse. Vicki insists that she only went after his character.
Having nothing else to say, Slade comes back with, “I’m only mean to people who are mean to me.” Lydia adds her two cents, saying that she was never mean to Slade, and yet he called her “Cheeseburger” because she’s so thin and “should eat something.” Slade insists that he meant it as a compliment, and that he supposedly called her a ballerina. Lydia’s not buying it, and the other wives come to her and Vicki’s defense, with Terry watching from the sidelines. Poor Terry always looks like he wants everybody to get along, but doesn’t want his face clawed off by the ladies’ acrylics.
Lydia keeps defending Vicki, talking about how much of a d*** he is and how a real man doesn’t go after a woman’s looks. There are stars in Tamra’s eyes as she watches Lydia get sassy. Tamra’s loving this new side of her so much, it wouldn’t surprise me if she went home and framed a picture of Lydia to put by her bedside.
In his interview, Slade says that Vicki is a d*** who should put in back in her pants is she wants to be treated like a lady. Oh, this is going to haunt him forever once Andy Cohen gets a hold of him during the reunion.
Lydia says in her own interview that she’ll never carry a Gretchen Christina tote bag anytime soon. Looks like Gretchen won’t be getting sprinkled with fairy dust anytime soon, either.
No surprise that tonight’s reunion is filled with what looks like an above-average level of screaming. And with it stretching over three hours, one can only hope for plenty of tears along the way. Bonus points if Lydia can make Slade cry.
And yes, Radio Slade has been cancelled.
