COMEDY
Real Housewives Of Orange County: Funny Like A Clown
HAVE YOU CLEANED UP FROM LAST WEEK’S PAINTING PARTY? I have. So now we can continue to watch Alexis seethe and display her pussface as Heather displays more of her authentically FABULOUS life as a former actress/singer married to a rich plastic surgeon. Whew!
Tamra visits Vicki for breakfast and immediately asks why she didn’t say bye to her at the party.
Vicki, searching for stuff in cabinets, says she was over everyone by then. They go back and for about it until Vicki finally asks what’s up with the new friendship with Gretchen. Vicki says Tamra would find it unusual if she became sudden BFFs with Gretchen. Then Vicki says Tamra’s nose was so far up Gretchen’s ass at the party that she thought it would turn brown. Ugh. Tamra calls her jealous and Vicki just says it’s odd and she can’t understand it. She wonders to us if it’s real or fake. Tamra says they’re not best friends, at least not yet, and Vicki’s jealousy is not necessary. As a peace offering, Tamra tries gives her some sex shop stuff she picked up on her shopping trip with Gretchen.
Vicki is not digging it. It seems as if learning about the cozy shopping trip has pissed her off even more. She tells Tamra that she’s in love and people in love don’t need that stuff. Oh, really. Smartass Tamra pipes up, “so… you and Don use them?”
Gosh, tonight, in the previouslies, I noticed that I had missed something at the party last week. In the midst of, I guess, talking blowjobs, Heather said she’s been married so long she doesn’t have to do blowjobs anymore. And Alexis said let’s see if you’re still married in a few years. How the hell did I miss that? Probably the box wine.
Anyway, Alexis is meeting Heather for lunch. Oh, that’s not contrived at all, producers. Heather admires her bag and they order. When Heather asks what her work is Alexis says she’s a news anchor, ha. Hahahahhaha. Heather asks if she’s more Jillian Barberie or Katie Couric. Alexis is honest and says Jillian Barberie. Heather tells us she didn’t think Alexis was cerebral enough to be a Katie Couric. When she asks Alexis if Jim contributes to child care since she’s working, Alexis lies and says he does his share. Alexis tells us she thinks Heather thinks she’s better than the group. Ohhh, it’s building.
Heather tells her she’s jokey but didn’t like all the sex toy/blowjob talk. Alexis says it was the wine talking, intimating she’s not into talk like that either, really. Heather’s mood turns and we see a clip of Alexis throwing up her hand at the party and saying “Oh, they don’t talk about sex,” Meaning Heather and Terry. Heather says Alexis shut her down at the party. She didn’t say “and I didn’t like it,” but her face said it. When Alexis says they’re maybe more similar than they think, Heather tells us the only similarity she sees is that they both have twins and are both… women?
Over at Gretchen’s, Slade is having a bad hair day and his mom is washing dishes. She’s his audience for his comedy show prep. I’ll save you the routine; suffice it to say, mom wasn’t impressed. And neither was I. She doesn’t laugh but says at one point, “That was funny.” But she doesn’t crack a smile. She tells him the dogs are funnier. When she questions why he’s even doing this he says the intent is to take the routine ON TOUR. OM… hahahahahaha.This episode is hilarious so far. Mom, God love her, tells him he never expressed a desire to be a comedian, his only wish when he was young was to be rich. To change the subject he tells her he was thinking of proposing. Mom says “Noooo. Gretchen is your boss.” I guess she doesn’t believe in nepotism. Then she says she doesn’t want to rain on his parade. He should grab an umbrella.
Along a gravel trail, Tamra and Eddie take the dog for a walk. He asks her to move in with him. She says she hates having two households but she’s not divorced yet. She also thinks she should have more of a commitment from him, which he gives. He says he thinks their relationship will eventually lead to marriage. Her face says she’s still not sure.
Back at Gretchen’s, Slade is still working on his “material.” Gretchen arrives and finds he plans to get laughs by skewering the other Housewives, Vicki and Tamra specifically, calling it “what’s in the news.” She’s not happy and tells us that even though the other women won’t be there, of course they’ll find out. The fact that Vicki’s dating someone known to owe child support is a knife twisting in his craw. Gretchen knows they’ll come down on her… and hard. She asks him to rethink it.
Oh God, they’re at the Improv. The freaking Improv — where comedy begins. I didn’t coin that, it’s on the website. Gretchen tells us she thought she was just hosting but then Slade changed the arrangements and told her they have to combine comedy with her introductions. Now she’s backstage freaking out.
I thought the ladies weren’t coming but here’s Alexis in the audience. She’s with her friend Sara, Sara’s husband and Jim. Oh boy, here come Heather and Terry as well. Heather says Terry saw the engagement in the paper and they’re there to support Gretchen and Slade. When Heather says she was in comedy before too, Alexis, in a confessional, asks if she was in Cirque du Soleil as well. That was funny. She should go onstage cause I know this is going to be brutal.
So Gretchen comes on with a Faceook joke that falls pancake flat. Splat. Then she gets the crowd back by taking off her cover-up and revealing a sparkly gold bikini. Way to go, gurl. She then goes on to introduce the real comedians. The first woman makes fun of her. Backstage we learn she was spoon fed her joke and still messed up. As the comedian tells her how she looks crestfallen. I’m amazed she didn’t feel the flatness or hear the dead silence.
At dinner, Tamra tells Eddie that Simon won’t sign the divorce papers. Eddie says he’s still holding on. Tamra says he’s dating. Her kids are still not over the divorce and she wonders if moving in with Eddie is a good move for her. She tells him her daughter was in a fetal position saying there’s no more room in their family. She’s tearful when she says she doesn’t want to be a housewife and be financially dependent on a man again. I thought she was selling real estate. I guess she’s living off Housewife money, and Eddie. Since the kids are split between her and Simon she may not get child support. Eddie tells her he wants her to be empowered and he loves her. Oh my, so sweet.
Back at the Improv, Gretchen introduces Slade as a douche. OK, fair enough, but that wasn’t funny ’cause it’s true. He calls himself a Housewife Hunter and has on the t-shirt (with target) to boot. He’s incredibly unfunny right from the beginning — babbling about nailing Housewives with his penis. These poor people have already been warmed up and he’s a giant Stop sign. Gretchen’s watching out for flying tomatoes. Then he tells shit, masturbating and porn jokes. In the audience, Alexis wonders why she doesn’t get the jokes. Sigh. Because they’re not funny, hunny.
Vicki and her daughter Brianna have dinner. Vicki tells us Brianna moved out when she found out about the divorce but they’re still on good terms even though Brianna hasn’t met Brooks. Vicki doesn’t think she or Michael are ready. They talk about Brianna’s dating life but Brianna wants to know why Vicki and Don can’t just get back together. Vicki tells us Don’s not fighting for her. Maybe this is why.
After Brianna forlornly wonders why people get married at all, they move on to discuss her illness. She’s has tumors and is having an operation to remove her thyroid. She goes on and on about it, freaking Vicki out. Vicki vows to sleep at the hospital and tells us that the thought of someone cutting into her baby’s neck makes her extremely worried. Brianna says life’s too short to not be happy though.
Back at the Improv, Slade is showing a photo of Jo on a projection screen. He says she’s constantly calling him but he’s over her (liar). Then he show a photo of a really fat person and acts like that’s her now. He calls Gretchen the sweetest unemployment line he’s ever seen as she grimaces in the wings. Then he starts talking about the Housewives. He calls Tamra fat and shows an unflattering photo of her in a bikini. In a confessional, Heather is like, WTF? She thought Gretchen and Tamra were friends. Then he lights into Vicki and says she’s had major work done and then shows a photo of Miss Piggy. The audience did laugh, nervously, through all this. Thank God he leaves after that. Backstage, Gretchen is furious.
When Heather and Terry go backstage she tells the couple that she knows comedy is hard. When Gretchen asks if they were funny, Terry says “the bikini was great!” I like Terry. Alexis and Jim come back as well. Alexis tells us Slade’s jokes will probably hurt Vicki and Tamra but then they’re always dissing him… and to his face. Gretchen and Slade continue to bicker about why he did the routine at all.
In the car on the way home Slade tells Gretchen she was amazing and really funny. She pooh-poohs the flattery and says she was just supporting him and still wonders why he said that shit about the ladies. He says they’ve said things about him that kept him from getting work. She says they’ve been bitches, yeah, but she’s trying to get past that. He’s adamant that they need to call him and apologize. Ha. Which, of course, they will not do.
