A REAL DOWNER
Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Breaking Bad & Knocking Wood
FAMILY VACATIONS ARE GENERALLY BAD NEWS, BUT WHEN The Real Housewives Of New Jersey go on vacation together, “bad news” is an understatement. From Joe Giudice almost stabbing himself in an RV to Greg waking up to Rich’s erection in his face, Sunday’s episode barely scratched the surface of what’s to come on this hot mess of a trip to Napa.
The families made the worst decision in the history of decision-making: to travel across the country together. Everyone’s packing, and to make matters more stressful, Hurricane Irene is scheduled to hit tomorrow.
Gia rolls her eyes at Teresa, who plans on packing multiple sparkly string bikinis and stilettos. She shows her outfit choices to Gia, who looks thoroughly embarrassed by her mother. We are too, Gia. Teresa and Jacqueline each tell their husband about their awkward encounters with each other at Kathy’s dessert tasting. Joe doesn’t care, and Chris just wants everyone to get along, even if it means some people avoiding each other.
Albie and Lindsey are chatting in his room, while Greg and Chris eavesdrop. The guys try and convince Lindsey to move in with them, and she says she’ll think about it. They seem like a good fit, and if the other boys want her to move in, that’s got to be a good sign. But Caroline will hate it!
Hurricane Irene is wreaking havoc on Hoboken, which messes up everyone’s flight schedules for tomorrow. The families now have to drive to Pittsburgh to catch a flight into North Carolina, then Texas, then California. Using the colorful “travel-by-map” method, they all take a Muppets-style trip across the country in under 45 seconds.
After what apparently felt like a week of traveling, everyone piles into a giant bus together. Someone asks if anyone’s been to California before, and Teresa says, “No, but I’ve been to LA.” Yep. Then they spot some cows, and everyone just had to know how cows have sex, so Greg finds a video and shows everyone. You can take the adults out of Jersey…
They go to a giant store called Camping World, and it’s just like a zoo the second they enter the premises. Some of the families spent over $4,000 on random stuff, and now everyone’s stealing stuff from each other. Well, I don’t blame Caroline and Jacqueline for stealing sausage from Lauren and the Wakiles. It came with fancy cheese!
In the Gorga/ Giudice RV, Teresa is having some serious stomach pains, and she’s afraid to poop it out. The men discuss this over walkie-talkies. Kathy wonders why everyone needs to know this, and at the same time, why did Teresa have to tell everyone what she was doing?
Who let Greg and Joe Gorga drive? Greg can barely control the RV he’s driving, and neither can Joey. While he’s swerving, Joe Giudice is in the kitchen area, trying to chop a tomato. With a VERY LARGE, VERY SHARP KNIFE.
The camping area is a parking lot overlooking a really cool view of mountains. Melissa wants to get to know the other campers on the site, and Teresa reluctantly goes with her. While Melissa makes nice conversation with everyone about how beautiful everything looks and what campers do for fun at night, Teresa acts like a sourpuss. She’d rather be on an island or in Malibu, and everyone has to know about it.
Back in the RV, Teresa and Kathy open a bottle of wine and chat. Teresa decides to talk about the cookbook signing, when Kathy mentioned her mom’s recipes being in Teresa’s book. Kathy meant that their moms swapped recipes, and then the conversation shifts to Jacqueline and how they hope the trip will go smoothly. We all want it to go smoothly. We all know it won’t.
The next morning, the Gorgas and the Giudices wake up to find that Joe Giudice turned the heat up in the RV to 101 degrees. Then Melissa hops into bed with Teresa and Joe, and notices how hard Teresa’s boobs feel. I believe I just heard Teresa say her boobs are real? Okay, Teresa. We all remember when you got them done in season one. People don’t forget.
Meanwhile, Rich has got a case of morning wood, and feels the need to flaunt it. Kathy is either unphased by this, or she simply can’t be bothered with this nonsense.
Kathy eats breakfast with Jacqueline and Caroline, and they, once again, talk about Teresa and the need for everyone to be civil with each other. Caroline is avoiding Teresa for the time being, because she doesn’t want an argument to ruin the trip.
Melissa and Teresa are still getting along, and decide to go for a little walk near the beach. Teresa ruins the moment by bringing up the recipe argument with Kathy. Apparently to Teresa, it really matters whose mom made what kind of food.
Oh, here we go. Melissa tries to calm Teresa, but it’s too late. She starts going on about how everyone has betrayed her and how dare Jacqueline be concerned about her legal troubles and yadda, yadda, yadda. Melissa tells her that time will heal all wounds, and Teresa actually listens. Both of them are relieved that it didn’t escalate into an argument, and in her interview, Melissa says she’s excited for Joey to see that they’re getting along.
We’ll see how long that lasts.
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.
