George Clooney plays Hero to Britney’s Anti-Hero

GEORGE CLOONEY, SO FAR THE 21ST CENTURY’S BEST VERSION of It’s a Wonderful Life’s George Bailey, has fallen on his sword on behalf of aggrieved celebrities everywhere. I appreciate that, so I am showing the movie poster for his latest movie, Michael Clayton and urging the dozen of you who breeze by to reward George C. at the box office.

George, the son of a newsman, has figuratively rapped the knuckles of long-lensed predators who chase their prey into dangerous territory. Isn’t that what predators always do? The biggest victim to be caught in their trap of late is of course Britney Spears, who was snapped running a red light with her two boys and court-appointed babysitter in tow. Eager to capitalize on her misstep, her ex-arm candy known as K-Fed directed his lawyers to immediately ask L.A. Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon to forbid Brit to drive with the boys. The judge, being typical of that breed who stares down upon other lesser beings, immediately ruled against Brit. What I’ve read so far about this judge makes me yearn for the judicial hijinks of former Broward County Court Judge Larry Seidlin, the man who presided over the custody hearing of Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse. Seidlin’s wayward questioning had me jumping out of my seat in disbelief, but his personal angst was palpable over the airwaves.

The number of celebs to join the Britney Celebrity Defense League© has just got longer, with Hollywood good girl Jennifer Garner telling Glamour that she sympathizes with the current starlet product line. "My heart just goes out to those girls, especially Britney. After her performance at the VMAs (MTVÕs Video Music Awards, where Garner was a presenter), I wanted to go backstage and mother her. The way everyone was celebrating (her shaky performance) was so unfair." Jen, we believe you, but why do your words sound so hollow when read aloud? I won’t be satisfied until all the members of the BCDL throw a ‘bash’ in her honor. And by ‘bash,’ I mean party, not roast.

Now comes US Weekly’s shocking report that Brit’s hymen was broken at age 14. This is news? Oh, yea, I forgot. Brit et al. aren’t human; they’re mere products to be packaged and repackaged, edited and cropped, touched up or ripped down, any way the media sees fit.

The "Sultan of Sleaze" Gets it Right

HARVEY LEVIN OF TMZ.com KNOWS HE’S GOING TO HELL, and on most days I’d give him a swift kick in the pants and slam hell’s door shut. The way he and his Hollywood hit squad torment Britney Spears is unforgivable, and I wouldn’t blame her for habitually running over the feet of the site’s photog predators.

Yet even sinners have their goods sides, and for me Harvey’s good side was on display when gossip’s closest thing to gospel, TMZ, broke story after story on Dr. Jan Adams.

TMZ’s coverage of the tragic death of Hip-Hop’s first momma Donda West has been exceptionally well-done. TMZ was all over the story like blood at a crime scene. (And I mean that in a good way.) Once the news broke that Kanye West’s beloved momma died after a marathon session of plastic surgery, TMZ couldn’t be stopped and was breaking news all day long about Dr. Adam’s personal rap sheet. They dug up previous lawsuits again Mr. Suave for botched plastic surgeries. Pulled him over for his previous DUIS, and also reported that the doctor had a history of being accused of behaving badly in relationships.

Too bad Dr. Adams couldn’t "reconstruct" his own personal history. The always dark-humored Philadelphia Daily News said it best with its quip that Donda’s death had "gone from sad to creepy to a very special Halloween episode of "Nip/Tuck." How very true.

Stat! Somebody get Julia Roberts on the Phone!

Anybody with the private number to Julia Roberts is urged to pick up the phone and get her to La La Land in a hurry: Britney is in need of some loving.

The pap’s magnification of Britney’s human frailties is reaching an all-time high. Now they’ve got her pinned to the wall with a photo allegedly texting while driving through a red light. Now don’t go thinking I’m an apologist for poor little Brit. What I am is a scold to the sleaze media who are unthinkingly ruining at least three people’s lives: Brit’s and babies’ Sean and Jayden.

Can’t wait to hear what the court monitor has to say about this one. No, she is not crouching in the front seat of Brit’s Benz in fear of Brit’s driving: she looks rather to be hiding her face from the cameras. Will she give Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon a first-person account of what it is like to be stalked by the media? I hope so. And for the claims that Fed-Ex deserves the Father of the Year Award, let me pose this question: why, then, when TMZ.com et al. write about his fatherly virtues they never actually have any PICTURES of Mr. Federline with his children in his arms? All I’ve ever seen is Nanny, Security Guard and Grandma. But when the two wee ones are with Brit, she is the one who is holding them.

I appreciate it when I hear that celebs like George Clooney and Julia Roberts are feeling Brit’s pain. Too bad that Brit doesn’t have the breeding cred that the two A-listers have. Hollywood’s leading lady Roberts is quoted in December’s Vanity Fair as saying she wants to park Brit in her guest house and show her the ropes. Here’s my plea that Brit actually takes her up on the offer.

Dishing up Fury: Who Holds the Patent on Mac ‘n Cheese and Cauliflower?

In this kitchen corner is Jessica Seinfeld, wife of mega millionaire funnyman Jerry Seinfeld, author of "Deceptively Delicious," and a woman with expensive taste in shoes. (Jessica’s no slouch in kissing up, and we do mean UP!, as she ditched her first wealthy husband Eric Nederlander weeks into the marriage after meeting Jerry at a health spa, and then showered Talk Show Prophet (oops, did we mean profit?) Oprah Winfrey with 21 pairs of the world’s most expensive footwear, Christian Louboutins, after appearing on O’s show to tout her book. )

In that corner of the kitchen is Missy Chase Lapine, author of "The Sneaky Chef," former publisher of Eating Well magazine and the founder of a natural baby bath line BabySpa. Note two things we can’t tell you about Missy in an instant: we don’t know who her husband is, but surely he isn’t worth the hundreds of millions that Jerry is. Nor do we know what type of shoes she wears.

We CAN comment on the faux brouhaha that has erupted like an overcooked souffle: Who stole who’s BRILLIANT idea to come up with sneaking veggies in carbs to serve those picky two-foot-high tyrants called children? My response: Duh, who cares? I doubt there’s a parent who’s walked the Earth who hasn’t tried to hide broccoli florets in macaroni and cheese, or peas in tomato soup. Neverthless, we have a marketing scheme whipped up somewhere: a concocted fury over the alleged plagiarism of some cockamamee kids’ recipes.

Seriously, folks, (and you Jerry), let’s all stop fingering the ‘other person’ as the ‘wackoo’ and recognize an unimportant morsel of a story when we see one. All we really need to understand is that Jessica had better connections so that is why her book got more of a push in the public marketplace. Jessica, it turns out, is a better pucker-upper. That’s how this world works, right? Now let’s all turn our attention to turning all this hot air into a substitute for oil, and not the cooking kind.

Chris Crocker: "Crazy" Like A Fox. Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That

PARDON THE PUN, but in this incredibly shrinking world Chris Crocker has become a flaming star. If you are reading this in all likelihood you know who Chris Crocker is: defender of the "fat" Britney; promoter of "edutainment,"; self-appointed new philosopher for the YouTube generation.

Chris Crocker gained instant notoriety this week when he posted an impassioned plea on YouTube to "Leave Britney Alone!" As of 6:56 a.m. Thursday morning, the video had been viewed 3,537,314 times since it was posted two days earlier. Not bad for a 19-year-old who declares obliguely on his YouTube profile that "The game is positivity. I believe the best way to to educate and spread positivity is through entertainment, which translates to edutainment. Which just so happens to be my speciality."

The last part is crystal clear: Since signing on to YouTube last February, "Chris Crocker" has posted 66 videos which, in their totality, have been viewed a whopping 20,173,938 times as of 6:36 a.m. September 13. Not bad reach for kid who made his debut just six months ago. Quick, someone sign this talent to MTV! Producers could then help him buff the chasm between his two self-proclaimed personas, one being "The New Christ," the other being "The Queen of Ghetto." (Or perhaps Chris knows something about Jesus Christ that I haven’t heard before? Or maybe he’s referring to Jesus’ love of the downtrodden?)

The now-dead media savant Marshall McLuhan declared famously of TV that "the medium is the message." If he were alive, I wonder what he would say about the Internet. McLuhan’s insight about TV’s power has now become a truism about the web too. Once we dreamed about traveling the world in 80 days; 80 seconds is all it takes on YouTube. I imagine it’s only weeks if not days before new media company is producing a "Best Of Chris Crocker CD," to be available soon afterwards through NetFlix.

In one of his earlier videos, Chris gives a tantalizing lecture on the meaning of "normal," in which he scorns conformity. "I’d rather be called crazy,” he says. "In this day and age, crazy is a compliment. … Normal is like calling me a cunt. Don’t call me that. If you call me normal, I’m gonna knock-ya, sock-ya. But if you call me crazy, I’m going to say, "You’re sweet."

Chris, you’re crazy, and I mean it in the nicest way possible.

Britney Spears: A Lesson in Classism and the Media

EVERYONE’S GETTING a cheap laugh at the expense of Britney Spears’ umpteenth so-called comeback, this one at the VMA Music Awards over the weekend where she lip-synched her latest single "Gimme More." A lot of critics and bloggers denigrate the falling starlet for looking fat and slow and self-conscious. Compared to who? I challenge every journalist and blogger who wrote about Britney being fat: post a picture of yourself in a bikini next to Brit’s and see who gets the "fat" award. I dare you. Come on, you sharks won’t be happy until the young girl’s slit her wrists.

The media has taken to reporting on Britney like she’s some traffic wreck. Here’s what she really is: a young girl barely in her 20s with too much money, two beautiful toddlers, a pretty hanger-on of an exhusband; and a stage mother who sent her off to wear Mickey Mouse ears when she was barely in her teens. No wonder she didn’t get an education, ya’ll!!!! (That one’s for you, TMZ) Blame that on her being her family’s meal ticket at an early age. To echo Jodie Foster’s recent comments about Lindsey Lohan: Where is her mother? Why did Brit’s mother feed her to the vultures at such a young age and then turn on her when she had the audacity to take control of her own life?

Now Britney is left to doggie paddle in Hollywood’s pool of slime all by herself. What she needs is a strong agent like Pat Kingsley who can put the fear of God in the media and maybe Britney herself. She needs guidance from someone who doesn’t need or care about her money. Maybe Jodie Foster can mentor the little lost girl. Jodie recently commented on Hollywood’s exploitation of young girls for financial gain. "When I was their age, there were no big 18-year-old stars. Now, we want the 17-year-olds so we can bleed them for all they’re worth and squeeze as much money as we possibly can out of them - and then their career will be over in something like three years." But these standards, Britney is a survivor.

To paraphrase Britney, "Back off bitches." Go pick on someone who can afford the fight, like Oprah.

The Curious Charm of Narcissists and Sociopaths

THE WORLD is full of fools who believe with great certitude that they know, can know, the interior lives of celebrities and others. To fill their own coffers, the media fulfills these fantasies with articles about the "perfect couple" or the "perfect family," now-divorced love birds Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston case in point. But there are dozens, if not hundreds, of stories in which the "saintly" mother or the "loving" husband whose child or spouse have gone missing are ultimately fingered for murder.

This reality comes to mind as Gerry and Kate McCann flee Portugal and return to England declaring that they would never have hurt their "lovely daughter Madeleine." The two physicians have been put on the defensive by Portuguese authorities who have named the couple as suspects in their 3-year-old’s disappearance. Friends and family members are adamant that the McCanns would never ever hurt their children. No matter that they are the kind of people who would leave their three children unattended while they dine elsewhere with friends. Murder and neglect are not the same thing, after all.

But I would caution those same friends and family members: wait for the evidence. The wide-eyed Madeleine has been missing four whole months. The McCanns were only fingered as suspects last week, after a redoubled effort to collect forensic evidence reportedly led to the finding of blood in the hotel room from which the child went missing.

I’ve watched this case unfold in the worldwide media as J.K. Rowling and Richard Branson and even the Pope were touched by the search for Madeleine. I have read about Kate’s distress, the couple’s vow to never leave Portugal without their daughter, and their plaintive pleas to some phantom pedophile who stole off with their daughter in the night. But the only only thing I know for sure about the McCanns is this: they are the parents of three children, they are both doctors, and they left their children ages 3 and under in a room alone one night in Praia da Luz.

I’m in no rush to believe anything else. For I’ve seen firsthand and read too much about the charm of the narcissist and the sociopath, empty individuals who feel nothing toward others except entitlement. Who can lie, charm, cheat, and avoid responsibility with the widest of smiles. Check out the symptoms of these creeps, then smile that you are the wiser, and come to a judgement on the guilt or innocence of the McCanns based on evidence. That’s what I’m planning to do.

Awww, isn’t Brad Mr. Nice Guy? (Except when he’s dumping his wife and playing sociopaths)

That God’s gift to the camera Brad Pitt has been spotted frolicking in public all over the globe during the last three weeks. He’s visited New Orleans to promote his "green" project, touted solar and other non-electrical power on NBC’s Today Show; appeared at Chicago’s Field Museum with some stick figure and a few wee ones in tow; went carriage-riding in Central Park with Zahara; then a baseball game with ‘Mad’ I, first adopted son Maddox, and ‘Mad II,’ otherwise known as Mr. Spike Lee, filmmaker.

I should be grateful to see the snaps of Your Handsome. But for some reason I’m getting cranky. Hmmm, let me thing about this for a minute. Is there a reason Mr. Brad wants us all to think of him as Mr. Nice Guy? Could it be because he wants us all to run out and see his new movie "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford."? I’m sure Braddie Boy hopes that his good deeds land a bigger box office than Saint Angelina’s did with her performance in "A Mighty Heart." Try as the media did to get viewers out to pay homage to one of their own, the movie grossed $4 million in its opening weekend. And nary a nasty word from the media big boys. It pays to be pretty and well connected and to earn those boys money when they post your picture!

On another entirely different note, seems Senator Larry Craig (and not the Larry alleged to have done nasty deeds with former media pariah of the moment, Howard Stern of Anna Nicole fame) is rumored to be considering fighting the allegation that he solicited an undercover cop for sex in a Minnesota airport. Yes, yes, yes. I want to see this happen: His career is over no matter what. But just think of what he’ll do to quash such arrests in the future. I want to hear testimony from the "experts" that playing footsie and waving underneath a toilet stall is indisputable evidence of solicitation for sex. I want this example of lawlessness to go to a jury trial, and I want to hear some jury foreman say, "Yes, a wave underneath the john is evidence of a crime." I think Mr. Craig might be on to something as he solicits opinion by releasing his trial balloon on an abrupt change of hear to quit the Senate. Do us all a favor, Senator, will you? Now that you’re out of the closet, or at least out of the stall, please follow Arlen Spector’s advice. (God love this Republican. And why is he a Republican? Doesn’t he know there is no such thing any longer as a moderate Republican?" )

Two Larrys Accused of Gay Sex All the Buzz

Two Larrys are making headlines for allegedly partaking in or wanting gay sex. Does this mean it’s a slow news cycle? Or has the definition of news (fallen) changed dramatically?

Soon-to-be ex-Senator Larry Craig has resigned his Congressional seat after more than 25 years of public service. All because another "public" official, this one much farther down in the government pay scale but with a badge, claims the Senator played footsie with him in an airport bathroom. While the Republicans have ostracized Craig, his children allege to see the truth in their father’s eyes and back up his claim that he is not gay. I’m sure we have yet to hear the final chapter of this story.

Yes, yes, I know the Republicans have to feed a stalwart Party man to the Religious Right when the issue is gay sex. And yea, yea, you’re not gay Senator Craig. Say whatever you want about either of these talking points. But the biggest "What the Fu-!@" to me is that there are law enforcement officers staking out public restrooms in search of men allegedly looking for gay sex. What planet do we live on? I wonder how that guy justifies his living. When did this type of entrapment become okay?

Keeping Senator Craig company is Larry Birkhead, daddy to Anna Nicole Smith’s love child DannieLynn. I don’t even want to type the much- repeated promotional blurb for MSNBC’s former barking seal Rita Cosby. Suffice is to say that Larry was allegedly caught with his pants down in the company of former arch nemesis and competition Howard Stern. Someone’s blowing something with this story but I’m not sure it isn’t just hot air. I guess we’ll have to wait 10 years for the fallout of this libel suit to see who wins this one.

In the meantime, professional prevaricators Tony Snow and Karl Rove take their leave from the White House. May they rest in the peace outside the public eye.

Britney, We Thank Thee

ONCE again Britney shows her rosy rump cheeks. In his bid to get full custody, Fed-Ex’s acolytes claim he’s motivated by his young sons’ wellbeing and not by Brit’s residuals. A Republican Senator is outed as hypocrite after educating a nation on the nuances of soliciting gay sex in public bathrooms. And now the nation’s number one Cowboy Bush seeks to protect the very communication companies that enabled his rough riding over Americans’ civil rights post 9/11. (Quick, someone search donations to the RNC!)

Welcome to CrabbyGoLightly! Where power and celebrity are viewed between slitted eyes. Where the naive are encouraged to embrace the dark truth: not everything you read is true and photos do too lie. Didn’t your mother teach you anything? In her own raw WAY WE HAVE TO THANK Britney for keeping things real. Hers is not a derriere that has been shaped by hours spent on the Stairmaster. Despite her codependence on the paparazzi, her in-your-face panty- less shenanigans remind us all she’s only human. Because of her, the liposuction-less among us can walk more safely. Thanks for that Britney.