The New York Times digs, finds little to besmirch McCain

LET ME BE AMONG THE FIRST TO CONGRATULATE SEN. JOHN MCCAIN for leading such an exemplary life that the only dirt four New York Times reporters could uncover on the presumptive Republican presidential nominee is a professional relationship with a female lobbyist that some thought too close for comfort.

The Times story in today’s paper suggests that McCain’s "self-confidence" over ethics leaves him blind to improprieties, which in turn could make him unsuitable for the White House. "A female lobbyist had been turning up with him at fund-raisers, visiting his offices and accompanying him on a client’s corporate jet,” the Times reports. "Convinced the relationship had become romantic, some of his top advisers intervened to protect the candidate from himself — instructing staff members to block the woman’s access, privately warning her away and repeatedly confronting him, several people involved in the campaign said on the condition of anonymity….Mr. McCain, 71, and the lobbyist, Vicki Iseman, 40, both say they never had a romantic relationship. But to his advisers, even the appearance of a close bond with a lobbyist whose clients often had business before the Senate committee Mr. McCain led threatened the story of redemption and rectitude that defined his political identity."

If there’s ever been less stinging revelations about a presidential contender, I want to read them. The article’s unintended byproduct is a virtual endorsement of the Arizona Senator, even as it shows the Times‘s continuing slant toward sexist thinking. The implication is that men and women can’t have close platonic relationships, which of course is only true for some men and women.

Heidi Klum is Making It Easier To Hate Her

BY ALL RIGHTS, HEIDI KLUM SHOULD AUTOMATICALLY BE GRANTED MEMBERSHIP to the Britney Celebrity Defense League now that she’s publicly invited the Popped Tart to break out of house arrest and come join her happy home. As some of you know, Crabby has been keeping score on who in La La Land has been willing to throw a few words of support in the direction of Britney Spears. Now Heidi has announced she is ready to take on refashioning Brit as another of her projects. The little lost starlet is invited to come join the warm embrace of the gorgeous goddess, her husband Seal and their three wee babes in their Beverly Hills mansion. Which seems that Heidi should be a shoo-in for the BCDL. But Crabby says… not so fast.

Klum says that Britney "can call me and come live in our house with us for a couple of months." Which sounds like an extended lovefest. Until she adds, "I would help set her straight." And don’t we all just love to be held in judgment by those who claim to want to help? Isn’t that why we all left the church? After hearing that invite, I’m sure Britney is ready to jump right into those sinewy, Germanic, open arms.

Then the top model displays her claws again: "I am sorry when a young person gets thrown so off track. She has, of course, lived an extremely wild life."

Now I don’t know Brit, but I do know something about EQ, or emotional quotient. (And no, Crabby is not claiming to actually have a high EQ, just to know about what one sounds like.) When you’re down and out and dirty, you want the sympathy and support of someone who knows what the view is like from the bottom. You want reassurances from someone who’s climbed out of the muck, into a shower and back to some kind of normalcy. So, Heidi, unless you divulge that you’ve sobbed while crawling on your knees, high on Cosmos, and maybe a line or two of coke, suffering heartbreak and the worst case of acne that La La Land has ever seen, I really don’t think Brit wants to hear from you. I know I don’t. Better to call in Robert Downey Jr., everybody’s favorite recovered druggie, and a mindbending actor to boot, no pun intended. And, please, please, no matter what happens, let’s all keep Courtney Love away from Brit, can we?

Chasing the Epidemiology of Mass Murder

WE CAN ALL READ THE STORIES, ADD UP THE CLUES AND REACH THE SUMMARY THAT Stephen P. Kazmierczak was just an unlucky soul born with bad genes. We can shake our heads at the loss, the waste, the pain, and then go back to our lives knowing that the Illinois man who opened fire on a roomful of college students only became violent when he stopped taking his meds.

Yet the discordant images of the gunman leave us unsettled. He was "brilliant," "gentle," "even," "sweet," "soft-spoken”- characterizations of teachers and students who knew him in high school and college. But he also was kicked out of the Army, hospitalized in a mental facility, accused of self-mutilating himself. He recently had gotten a disturbingly violent tatoo inked onto his arm, and he began to collect guns. His brave girlfriend, determined to challenge the picture of a demented man, gave a moving interview to CNN because, she said, Kazmierczak "cannot be defined by his last actions. There was so much more than that." Of her boyfriend, she said, "The Stephen I know and love was not the man that walked into that building. He was anything but a monster."

There’s not many roads left to follow in this news story. The biggest unaswered question about the tragedy of Steve Kazmierczak is, "Can we ever truly know anyone?" And to that I say, ‘Good luck finding the answer." Mankind has spent history chasing that query. But here’s one narrower avenue that ought to be traveled: antidepressant discontinuation syndrome. What, if anything, does withdrawal have to do with Kazmierczak’s final crazy act? During a press conference after the assault, NIU officials revealed that Kazmierczak had recently become "erratic" after stopping his medicine, but they declined to name which one. His girlfriend told CNN that he had quit his antidepressant because it was making him feel like a "zombie," and while she denied he was erratic, she said "he was just a little quicker to get annoyed."

Yet the medical literature is clear: "Discontinuation reactions are clinically important for several reasons. Firstly, although most are mild and short lived, a minority are severe or chronic and cause considerable morbidity." Among SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) antidepressants, Prozac has the least withdrawal symptoms, while Paxil and Luvox have been associated with increased risks of withdrawal symptoms. In fact, QuitPaxil.info exits solely to warn the public about the risks of quitting Paxil too quickly. Dr. Peter Breggin, the best-selling author of "Talking Back to Prozac" who has become an outspoken sentinel on the risks of antidepressants, also has a page exploring SSRIs’ "induced violence and abnormal behavior." And one outdated site seems to have made it its business to list each individual associated with antidepressants and violence or suicide.

There’s few newspapers remaining that are willing to donate the resources to investigate big questions like this one. Here’s my hope that one will accept the challenge.

Love Lost: A Valentine’s Day Massacre

YOU HAVE TO WONDER IF THE UNLIKELY MADMAN WHO opened fire inside a classroom on an Illinois College Campus yesterday choose the date for his bloody mayhem with deliberation. Or was he in charge of his faculties at all?

On Valentine’s Day, a thin, white man dressed in black and carrying four guns suddenly appeared before a geology class with more than 162 registered students and randomly opened fire. Today he was identified as 27-year-old Stephen P. Kazmierczak, a friendly, likeable and studious graduate student at the University of Illinois in Urbana, Il. who recently became erratic after he stopped taking an unidentified medication. He previously attended Northern Illinois University, 65 miles west of Chicago, where the shooting started about 3:07 p.m. Thursday. Five students were killed and seven more were in critical condition as of this morning. Four of his victims were young women. The gunman then killed himself, putting him out of his misery. And the hunt for clues as to why he went ‘postal’ begins.

The gunman’s father, Robert Kazmierczak, addressing reporters outside his home in Lakeland, Fla., wept and beseeched the media to "Please leave me alone. … This is a very hard time for me."

It was the fourth school shooting in the U.S. this week. According to the Washington Post, "On Feb. 8, a woman shot two fellow students to death before committing suicide at Louisiana Technical College in Baton Rouge. In Memphis, Tenn., a 17-year-old is accused of shooting and critically wounding a fellow student Monday during a high school gym class, and the 15-year-old victim of a shooting at an Oxnard, Calif., junior high school has been declared brain dead."

The slaughter temporarily refocuses the nation’s attention away from politics and the madcap follies of pretty starlets, but our shock over such horrors is dwindling. This latest school shooting comes less than a year after Seung-Hui Cho, a senior English major, killed 32 people in a premeditated attack on the Virginia Tech campus in Blacksburg, Va.

The shooting was just one of several horrific cases making headlines in recent weeks, including the shocking killings of five women inside a Lane Bryant clothing store just 70 miles east of the Illinois campus, and the macabre murder of a New York psychologist.

The latest massacre temporarily breaks through the noise of our lives to steal attention. But in the background there is the constant radioactive buzz of the Iraq War, the ethnic violence in Kenya, the genocide in Darfur, the saber rattling of Russian President Vladimir Putin. And with all this in mind, I keep hearing Billy Bragg’s yearning for mankind’s great leap forward. Check it out, say a prayer, and God bless.

Somewhere, Queen Latifah Must Be Steaming Mad In Indignation

IS THERE ANYTHING FUNNIER THAN DIVAS SQUABBLING OVER THE TITLE ‘QUEEN?’

Chanteuse Beyonce had the nerve to introduce Tina Turner at Sunday evening’s Grammys as rock ‘n roll’s true royalty. "There is one legend who has the essence of all those things: the glamour, the soul, the passion, the strength, the talent. Ladies and gentlemen, stand on your feet and give it up for the queen." Not to mention that figure and those legs, Beyonce. Crabby would die for those legs.

Aretha Franklin, the longtime holder of the title "Queen of Soul" who is no slouch herself in the passion and soul department, was insulted that Turner was called the "queen.” So she released a statement posthaste after the Grammy party calling Beyonce on the red carpet for bestowing the title to someone else. "I am not sure of whose toes I may have stepped on or whose ego I may have bruised between the Grammy writers and Beyonce,” Aretha huffed figuratively (and probably literally). "However, I dismissed it as a cheap shot for controversy." I guess being called "one of the giants of soul music," isn’t enough for Franklin, double entendre that it is. But we concur that she has claimed the title "Queen of Soul” for some time, and we all should curtsy in recognition that she was the first woman inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Beyonce’s father, who manages his daughter’s career, dissed Franklin further when he dismissed the controversy as a waste of his time. "I’m not even going to take this to her,” Mathew Knowles told USA Today. “Something this ridiculous, it’s childish, it’s unprofessional. And it’s a sad day when egos get bruised because somebody used the word king, queen, prince or princess.”

As they say, the queen is dead; long live the queen.

Turns Out Shopping Was the Right Response to 9/11 After All

SHRINKS IN LAB COATS HAVE RECENTLY TURNED OUT STUDIES ON TWO PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA GENERATING BUZZ in recent news cycles.

Seven years ago, the World Trade Center was flattened by Al Queda terrorists, weakening the foundation of America’s psyche. For a few weeks afterward, the world stood still, so much so that experts feared economic collapse. In those dire days, President George Bush urged the nation to keep shopping, a bit of advice that was mocked and seemed to miss the larger point of our sorrow. Well, according to a psychological study released last week, it turns out Bush might have been on to something. In a recent experiment, students shown a sad video were willing to pay four times more for a bottle of water than students shown a less emotionally evocative video. The researchers, at four universities, concluded that sadness can trigger emotions that lead to extravagance, in particular when the shopper is "self-focused." Turns out Bush really did have his finger on the pulse of a self-absorbed, mourning nation.

Then, in yesterday’s New York Times, writer Benedict Carey explored recent studies that cemented evidence of the social benefits of "mirroring" behavior. Carey cites experiments done at Nijmegen University in the Netherlands, and at Duke University, that show that "by drawing on apparently similar skills, even in seemingly trivial ways, people can prompt almost instantaneous cooperation from complete strangers." But the mimicry must be delayed by a few seconds or else it can be construed as mockery, thus eliminating any potential social gain. The piece is a short lesson for salesmen and emotional sharks, but of less interest to those indifferent to the art of manipulation.

Oprahama: Does It Take One Messiah To Make Another?

THE BOYS ON THE BLOGS ARE SUDDENLY EXPRESSING UNEASE AT THE "MASS MESSIANISM,” as Time’s Joe Klein puts it, at the grass roots campaign of Senator Barack Obama’s presidential campaign.

Vanity Fair‘s James Wolcott noted last week that he finds "himself increasingly wary of and resistant to the salvational fervor of the Obama campaign, the idealistic zeal divorced from any particular policy or cause and chariot-driven by pure euphoria." On his blog Political Punch, Jake Tapper, ABC’s heartthrob for political junkies, expresses his own reserve and links to commentary with the headline "Obama is not Jesus,” as well as a Sacramento Bee story on efforts by the Obama campaign to have supporters tell their personal stories of how they "came to Obama" in 30 seconds. "Work on that, refine that, say it in the mirror,” Obama organizer Kim Mack told volunteers.

Joe Klein wrote in Time, "There was something just a wee bit creepy about the mass messianism — "We are the ones we’ve been waiting for" — of the Super Tuesday speech and the recent turn of the Obama campaign. "This time can be different because this campaign for the presidency of the United States of America is different. It’s different not because of me. It’s different because of you." That is not just maddeningly vague but also disingenuous: the campaign is entirely about Obama and his ability to inspire. Rather than focusing on any specific issue or cause — other than an amorphous desire for change — the message is becoming dangerously self-referential. The Obama campaign all too often is about how wonderful the Obama campaign is."

Klein notes later in the piece "that there is an odd, anachronistic formality to Obama’s stump speech: it is always the same."

Hmmmm. Is there something ringingly familiar here to cultural observers? It seems Obama’s been getting lessons in crowd control from The First Lady of TV, Oprah Winfrey, one of his not-so-secret weapons in his battle for the White House. Any close observer of Oprah recognizes the same pattern of repetition that both Obama and Oprah use in their prepared banter, the same emphasis on ”you." A quick look at Oprah’s website will give a brief lesson on the technique. The link to "Celebrate You!" says, "Discover, embrace and nurture yourself…celebrate and honor you". The link to "Breathing Space” says, "From dazzling ocean sunsets to arid desert landscapes, these view images show what inspire you". Italics not added by Crabby. The result is to feed America’s cult of narcissism, which ultimately rewards its breeders.

The Senator lives just a few miles south of America’s cultural deity and admits that he stays in close touch with the media maven. "I’ve been in contact with her consistently,” Mr. Obama told the New York Times, “and she’s open to helping out in any ways that she can.” And while Oprah has more money than most, her greenbacks look like everybody else’s. But few if anybody has more expertise in that most modern method of manipulation, TV, and performing for an audience with the help of the teleprompter.

What everybody conveniently forgets about Oprah is that she’s an actress. And I wonder: has the Big ‘O’ been giving the smaller ‘O’ lessons? If so, I’m worried. Maybe that’s why we’re still waiting to see the substance behind his words.

Are They For Real? The Creepy Parents Who Want to Put Their Kids on TV

NO BETTER CAUTIONARY TALE EXISTS ABOUT TURNING OFFSPRING INTO MEAL TICKETS than the one released yesterday from UCLA’s funny farm. Poor little rich girl Brit has been raised on the adoring and leering glances of strangers since she was a tween. And we all can see how that turned out for her.

So what else to conclude about Kevin Federline and Denise Richards’ parenting skills other than "rotten" when you hear that they plan to star their children in reality TV shows? Can you spell N-A-R-C-I-S-S-I-S-T-S?

Gossips have reported that Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife was foaming at the mouth over the chance to star in a reality TV vehicle with her two toddler girls, Sam and Lola. The show would highlight the single parent life in La La Land. Dad Charlie fought the plans in court but apparently even the judges in La La Land are tainted by the water and the court ruled in Denise’s favor. Fast forward 20 years: Wanna bet that Sam and Lola feel so empty when the cameras aren’t around that they pick up with paparazzi?

And what to say of the revelation that Kevin Federline was planning to star in his own single parent reality show with sons Sean and Jayden as props. I guess that’s no surprise since his purpose for being seems parasitic in nature. (Brit marriage + rap career + divorce + custody battle + reality show = parasite.) One would think that his front-row seat to the madness would dissuade him from such folly. But, no, it apparently just puts it on the back burner of his mind. In all seriousness, God help those two boys.

The news of Federline’s paused show comes just days after supposed great daddy Larry Birkhead visited Anna Nicole’s grave with baby Dannielynn and Entertainment Tonight cameras in tow. Tongues are tsk, tsking over Birkhead’s transformation into yet another parental golddigger. But maybe he always was. Maybe America just likes to root for the good-looking guy.

The ‘End of Camelot.’ Really. Truly. Done. Over. Kaput. Nil. Nada. Zip.

THE SLOWEST DEATH IN POLITICS HAS BEEN THE LONG, SAD DECLINE OF A FAMILY WHO ONCE PROUDLY CLAIMED THE CROWN OF CAMELOT FOR THEMSELVES. After Tuesday’s Democratic delivery of California and Massuchusetts delegates to Hillary Rodham Clinton, I think it’s safe to say that "Camelot" really is dead and, finally, ought to be buried.

According to Wikipedia, Camelot "is the most famous fictional castle and court" associated with the legendary King Arthur…[And a]s a place is associated with ideals like justice, bravery and truth, the virtues Arthur and his knights embody in the romances.” The term became synonymous with the heartbreaking love affair America had with John F. Kennedy, the handsome playboy president who was assassinated in November 1963.

Kennedy’s traumatic murder was deemed "The End of Camelot" for the nation. Yet for others,"Camelot only ended" after the shooting death of JFK’s brother Bobby during his run for U.S. president. "As I took a turn standing over the coffin to brace it against the swaying of the train,… and watched the silent crowds lining the tracks, the strongest emotion I felt was wanting the trip not to end. Whatever it was, we knew it was over," wrote Adam Yarmolinsky in the Virginia Quarterly Review in August, 1996.

After that, John’s wife Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy assumed all the winsome glamour of the Kennedy name. The beautiful, jetsetting widow of America’s most handsome president remarried an oil tycoon named Aristotle Onassis, briefly escaped to Greece, and raised her two children. When that marriage went sour, Jackie returned to New York, where she eventually became an editor at Viking Press and later, Doubleday. And of course when she died in 1994, newspaper headlines asked the question, "Is This the End of Camelot?" "…With her passing ends an era of hope, promise and ideals known to an entire generation as Camelot," wrote one journalist in the Sacramento Observer.

But that speculation was in error. We still had the life and eventual death of John F. Kennedy Jr., whose natural charm, good looks and bloodline burdened him with the impossibly-high expectations of America’s romantic love. And when he died in a plane crash, well, that was, once again, "the end of Camelot."

Who knew that almost a decade later Camelot would once again be resurrected, this time in the embodiment of Caroline Kennedy as well as Uncle Teddy, and cousins Patrick and Maria Shriver. In a widely ballyhooed op-ed piece for the New York Times, Caroline endorsed Senator Obama for President. "I have never had a president who inspired me the way people tell me that my father inspired them,” Caroline wrote. "But for the first time, I believe I have found the man who could be that president — not just for me, but for a new generation of Americans." The endorsing Kennedy clan turned out Sunday for a heady last-minute California rally on behalf of Obama. And, for a minute in time, it seemed that Camelot would live again.

But then Californians voted Tuesday, and Hillary beat Obama by 10 percent. And in Massachusetts, the spread was even wider: Hillary’s won 56 percent to Obama’s 41 percent. As they wrote in Cape Cod Today online, "It looks like the half century reign of Camelot has ended in Massachusetts."

And so now, finally, we need to either to bury the "Camelot" Kennedy cliche, or perhaps revive it for the Clintons. May I dare to ask: Are the Clintons the rightful heirs of the Camelot crown?

Pap Agency Owner: Sam Lutfi Never Took Money

THE MOST WANTED MAN IN HOLLYWOOD TODAY ISN’T ON THE FBI’S TOP 10 LIST: IT’S SAM LUTFI, Brit’s favorite In-N-Out bag boy. Gossips, newshounds and court officials are looking for Brit’s confidante so they can: 1) Get his comments on the legal imbroglio that continued in LA yesterday over control of Britney’s estate. And 2) Trying to serve Lutfi with court documents prohibiting him from phoning, chatting, IMing, visiting or writing Britney, essentially cutting her off from one of her closest allies.

Francois Navarre, owner of the X17 Inc. photo agency, says Sam has cut his phone lines and is laying low following his brouhaha with Brit’s folks over her medical care and estate. But while others are having a field day throwing mud at Lutfi, Navarre spoke in defense of Brit’s would-be manager whom he says is a Brit loyalist but also not qualified to handle her affairs alone. "She needs a staff, and not just one person,” Navarre said. The photo agency owner summed up Lutfi’s intentions in this way: "He has something in his head, and what he has is [the idea] to stay as long as possible with Britney."

Despite what tongues wag, Navarre says that while Lutfi has tipped off the photo agency before about Britney’s whereabouts in the past, he’s never done it with his palm out. "What I like about Sam is that he has never, ever asked for money, unlike Adnan" Ghalib, Brit’s most recent boy-toy-pap, Navarre said.

The X17 owner expressed anguish at Brit’s current mental state, blaming it on "the fact that they took the kids away from her, that’s made her crazy. Everything started with that.” He also had unkind words for Lynn and Jamie Spears: "They try to get as much money from her as possible. Now they have Jamie Lynn pregnant. They’re cashing in on that already."

Crabby concurs with a tsk, tsk.