BEASTS
Fight Club: The Real Housewives Of New York Reunion, Part One
LOOKING pretty, perfumed and ready for anything, our Housewives are aligned on their separate couches of crazy.
The brunettes, Kelly, LuAnn, Cindy, and Jill (redhead) to Andy’s right; the blondes, Ramona, Sonja and Alex to his left. Time to watch the jibber jabber fly.
First thing mentioned: the pregnancy test and the awkwardness of where it was taken. Ramona tells the group the Sonja brought it with her to the party. Do I sense a bit of sheepishness about the pregnancy scare now, Ramona? But she is still having her period. Did she see Jill’s menopause comments yet?
Now a couple of fight clips — Sonja vs. Cindy, Sonja vs. Alex, Ramona vs. Jill, Jill vs. Alex. A montage of all the ladies saying it’s the wrong time, wrong place. Luann says it’s never the right time because they really only see each other at social events. But what about all the lunches, LuAnn? Clips of battles between blondes and brunettes. Alex fighting for Simon (and marriage equality), Kelly’s ruined tattoo, LuAnn telling Alex one moment “that I’ve only been a friend to you,” then in the next — “get a life.” Sonja kicking Alex out of her house.
Andy fleshes out the marriage equality kerfuffle regarding Sonja denying Simon a speaking part in the festivities. Alex says they definitely were asked to speak and only found out at the podium that they were being denied. Sonja insists she had no part in the decision. She also insists that she didn’t want to throw Alex outta her party but, well, there were other guests there. Kelly tries to explain that Alex was asked to speak but… at that Sonja butts in with, yes, there were shenanigans. Oh God, my head hurts already. I’m done with this subject even if they’re not. But not before telling you that Jill still swears that Simon attacked Sonja. Alex tells Andy it was crowded and loud. Simon just wanted to be heard.
A viewer questions how Kelly has the gall to call Alex weird. Ha. Kelly, it seems, is bothered by Alex’s constant red face. Then she calls herself a nice person. Alex says she may be nice but not to her. Kelly’s appalled. Alex then accuses her of acting like a five year old. Alex’s nervousness also unnerves Kelly. Alex says Kelly doesn’t really know her.
We see a clip of Kelly at breakfast in Morocco, spilling Sonja’s business. She tells LuAnn and Cindy that Sonja’s house hasn’t been renovated and it’s dirty. Oh, that’s NICE. More clips of Jill dissing Sonja’s masquerade party, talking to us about Sonja’s bankruptcy, Sonja crying about the bankruptcy. And finally, Sonja’s White Swan burlesque performance. Andy talks about the $700 million lawsuit that led to her bankruptcy and she explains that she was sued because she had the assets. And she lost the appeal. Damn. She cries when she tells the group that what she’s most sad about is the failure of her marriage. But she doesn’t get into real details. Damn. She doesn’t have a settlement yet but says she’s not the first woman this kinda stuff has happened too. She doesn’t think her troubles have affected the way she’s treated the other women this season, she’s shown herself as she is. Her most cringe-worthy moment? When the bankruptcy was the topic of discussion before she was ready. Oh, and she doesn’t pay in restaurants because she was a restaurant consultant. And, besides, she’s bringing the heat wherever she goes. Snap! If Sonja checks you out, others will follow. All right, girl. And she did make me want to visit Cipriani.
Andy then questions Sonja’s aggressiveness with the other women this season. She admits she can be full of herself but she also knows how to laugh at herself. Her house has been renovated she says emphatically. So fuck you, Kelly. And fuck housework. LuAnn says she was uncomfortable with Kelly saying Sonja’s house was dirty. Ramona insists the house is clean. Kelly says it’s just not up to her standards. Sonja ridicules her for always saying “I’m nice. I’m nice. I’m nice.” She tells her she hasn’t criticized her house. And she has not. Sonja gets revved and starts reading Kelly like a book. Enough so that Kelly insists, now, that it isn’t her business. Yeah, I thought not.
A viewer questions who owns Kelly’s house. Well, her ex does. Pot — Kettle. Then Kelly tries to get out of what she said again, without success. Cindy jumps in and calls Sonja grand. Sonja says absolutely I am! And says she was grand before she got married. Ooooh, two snaps with a twist! Then the viewers questioned Sonja’s grand ways — the staff, the parties, the name dropping. She says that’s who I am, what can I do. Love her.
Now to Jill and Ramona. We see scenes of Jill either talking shit about Ramona or arguing with her. Ugh, and that fake dramatic showdown in Morocco. While talking about whether Ramona’s wine was for drinking or donating at Jill’s party, Jill says she heard Mario has been cheating. Then they gloss right over it. They debate whether it was worse that Jill called Ramona and Alex fucking bitches at the wedding in the Hamptons; or if Ramona and Alex wore white (cream, Alex says). When, all of a sudden, Jill and Alex get all bitch-face and call each other fucking bitches. Then, as soon as that started, it ends. Gloss.
Is Ramona going through menopause, Andy wonders? Jill calls Ramona and Sonja rude for hogging one of only two bathrooms during LuAnn’s party. For a damn pregnancy test. To LuAnn’s chagrin, Ramona throws out that she was bored on the boat anyway. Ramona says Jill always lies until she gets caught. Jill says Ramona was jealous of her relationship with Bethenny while Ramona was always seen trying to get them together. When she tried at her apartment Jill called ambush. Jill says Bethenny had a biting mouth and scared her. Andy and Ramona laugh and say she has a biting mouth too. A viewer accuses Jill of only talking bad behind a girlfriend’s back. Oooo, too much crosstalk. Seriously.
When Ramona calls herself forthright instead of rude, Jill makes throw-up noises. Andy accuses all the ladies of acting like beasts. He’s right, I can’t keep up. Cheating. Commercial. Rest.
We return to clips of the crazy antics of Sonja and Ramona. Turtle time, belly dancing, going commando, old times, good times. Jill, fucking bitch, tries to start shit by saying she didn’t see Alex much in those clips. Bitch. Andy defuses that by saying Sonja and Ramona have been Frick and Frack all season. They talk about Sonja’s vajayjay flashing and how Kelly was insulted by it. Sonja said she didn’t show it, gave just a flash. Hee. Sonja and Brian have broken up after three years. Wow, didn’t know it was that long.
Ha, Andy also agrees that Kelly showed flashes of reason this season as they show her being reasonable. Still don’t like her. She’s a prude and a downer. Andy just asked what changed for this season, meds? She said she hasn’t been interrupted. People got a chance to hear her. Alex is not having it and says she still doesn’t make any sense. A viewer brings up Kelly’s former abuse and she says it was in her twenties and over. But Andy won’t let it go till Kelly tears up and says Gilles saved her. Kelly says Bethenny was too aggressive and she’s not used to having people like her in her life. A viewer says Kelly laughed at Bethenny’s margarita and wonders if she’s she laughing now that Bethenny got bank. Kelly wishes Bethenny success; thought branding the word “skinny” was brilliant. Oh, her flashes of reason.
It’s Cindy’s turn, almost forgot she was there. We see her skirmishes with party girls Sonja and Ramona and relive the infamous conference call at breakfast and the ensuing clashes. She says the ladies made her nervous and were mean to her. When she brings up the incident between Ramona and her brother, Ramona says that in addition to smoking her dead friend’s cigars, he also wore his suit to the wedding. Ramona asks Andy if he would wear a dead man’s suit to a wedding and he says he doesn’t know. Alex agrees with me that Cindy is too freaked out about her kids. Ramona says she and Cindy liked each other at first but then the brunettes got involved. Cindy says the brunettes embrac
ed her with open arms. Cindy agrees with a viewer that Sonja thinks she’s better than others. Remember… the pecking order comment. Sonja says the pecking comment was about Ramona not her. Cindy is frustrated they won’t let her talk, then compares Ramona’s Pinot affection to a heroin addiction. Sonja says that’s not fair. Oh God, the conference call, again. Cindy’s on a roll, she’s done with all the blondes. The brunettes shout out that Cindy has a real job, a real diss to Sonja. So Sonja brings up the Vivienne Tam trip and the broken veneer, the cancelled lunch at Cipriani, and, the ultimate insult… an invite to Quag, the lesser Hamptons town. Andy says this conversation is exhausting and I concur. Whew.
Cindy was offended at Sonja turning up her nose at Quag -her friend has a beautiful horse farm there. Ramona shouts out that it was a kiddie party, then an argument breaks out on whether adults could ride horses as well. Oh no, clips of Ramona calling LuAnn a weekend mom, LuAnn’s displeasure with Ramona’s Moroccan antics, LuAnn’s insinuation of Mario’s cheating and Ramona calling out the count’s indiscretions. LuAnn wonders why Ramona is not more supportive of her single motherhood and Ramona says because she always acts so superior. Dahllling. LuAnnn wonders how she hasn’t been nice to Ramona. Andy says she called Ramona a bitch. Ha. Alex pipes up that LuAnn also talks about Jill behind her back which LuAnn quickly shoots down. Ramona says LuAnn and the count had an open marriage. LuAnn gets emotional when she talks about how supportive she thought she was of Ramona. How she just translated what the fortune teller said and never voiced any suspicions of her own about Mario cheating. Ramona’s not buying it.
Back from commercial and we’re still talking about weekend mom LuAnn. Insinuating poor parenting, Ramona wonders why LuAnn’s daughter transferred schools four times in four years. Jill gets pissed and screams at Ramona to leave LuAnn’s children alone. Then Jill gets up and leaves saying she’s not talking about children.
And this is only part one.
