5-4 RULINGS

The Supreme Court Giveth; The Supreme Court Taketh Away

By Elizabeth Coady

THE SCOTUS GIVETH, THE SCOTUS TAKETH AWAY.

In two historic rulings handed down this week, the U.S.’ highest court invalidated two laws previously passed by Congress — one prohibiting federal benefits for married same-sex couples; the other, a groundbreaking law used for five decades to guarantee American minorities’ equal access to the voting booth.

By a vote of 5-4, the high court negated the Defense of Marriage Act of 1996, which denied federal benefits to gay couples legally married in their states.

Writing for the majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy declared DOMA unconstitutional because it deprived gay couples “the equal liberty of persons that is protected by the Fifth Amendment.”

PREDICTABILITY?

How Rude! John Stamos Tweets ‘Stay Sober’ To Divorcing Jodie Sweetin

By Miz J

STEPHANIE TANNER’S HOUSE IS A little less full these days. Jodie Sweetin, the actress and former meth addict of the TGIF hit from yesteryear, just filed for legal separation from her third husband Morty Coyle.

The two were married in Beverly Hills in March 2012, and they have a 2-year-old daughter named Beatrix together. Sweetin also has a 5-year-old daughter, Zoie, with her second husband Cody Herpin.

‘A CRY FOR HELP’

Judge Rules Michael Jackson’s Kids Will Stay With Grandmother

WE COULD HAVE PREDICTED THIS OUTCOME AFTER learning that Katherine Jackson refused to let Paris attend a Marilyn Manson concert: The custody arrangements won’t change for Michael Jackson’s three surviving children.

“I’m taking no further action,” Superior Court Judge Mitchell Beckloff declared today, the fourth anniversary of the pop star’s death, after reviewing an investigator’s report on the children’s well-being.

TRUE NORTH? DON’T BET ON IT

Kimye’s Baby Looks Something Like This

ADMIT IT: AREN’T YOU EXCITED FOR THAT FIRST PEEK AT BABY KIMYE’S CHUBBY CHEEKS? To hear that first declaration that Nori has his eyes and her nose and — oh, gawd, Bey and Jay are going to be so jealous?

I thought so. So TADA! here she is — not? TMZ claims the above snap is being shopped around for “A LOT OF $$$$” by a friend of Kim Kardashian who claims it’s a photo of the reality star’s baby with Kanye West.

But hold your horses, folks, ’cause the online tabloid claims the photo is a “FRAUD!”

CONFRONTING THE PAST

Mad Men: Excavating The Past

By Miz J

THINGS ARE OFF TO A GROOVY START AT THE AGENCY, which just picked up the Sunkist account. Because of this win, SC&P is opening an LA satellite office — and Stan approaches Don immediately for the post, citing the opportunity to run the place and grow it with more accounts. Skeptical, Don considers this…and then considers stealing that idea for himself, a typical dick, er, Draper move this season.

In other business matters, Roger’s daughter Margaret and her husband visit the office to hit him up for money for yet another failed venture. Calling it “prudent investing” and not “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” (Roger is, after all, an account guy) he chooses not to give them any more cash, which sends Margaret into a hissy fit of epic proportions.

PARTY IN THE STREETS

They Shoot, They Score! Blackhawks Bag The Stanley Cup

SO WHAT IF THE CHICAGO CUBBIES CAN’T BAG THE WORLD SERIES — the city’s Blackhawks delivered the party to Wrigley Field Monday night when the team snatched victory from the Boston Bruins to win the Stanley Cup.

With only 76 seconds left in the game, and losing by two to one, Bryan Bickell tied up the game, while David Bolland scored the winning goal followed 17 seconds later.

Exuberant fans poured onto the city’s streets, with thousands gathering outside the ballpark on Addison for an impromptu celebration of the dramatic win in the series’ sixth game. Above is a photo of the deliriously happy crowd from by Chuck “Diesal” Seaton who got in the thick of things. Check out the rest of his photos at his Flickr feed.

DIARRHEA OF THE MOUTH

Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Happy Birthday, Bitches

By Karen Malmquist

IT’S ANOTHER BIRTHDAY PARTY SHOWDOWN ON THE Real Housewives of New Jersey‘s Sunday’s episode. Gia’s turning 12, which means she thinks she’s old enough to start dating, but young enough that every guest in attendance still needs to have their own parent present at the party. And when Joe Gorga gets pneumonia, Teresa takes this as a sign that Melissa is offering up her family to Satan. Or something like that.

Teresa’s at the gym, wearing full makeup and jewelry as she tells her intimidating-looking friend Linda about Gia’s upcoming birthday party. It’s apparently the Oscars of north Jersey, so she’s expecting every adult to be dying over an invite.

They’re not.

WHAT’S THE SKINNY?

Real Housewives Of Orange County: Chicks & Salsa

By Karen Malmquist

AS A THANK YOU FOR BEING FORCED into attending the tensest parties ever, Lydia returns the favor with her own salsa party. While no wine is thrown, Slade gets back into the center of all the drama. It was only matter of time.

Lydia is driving around to nowhere in particular and calls Heather, saying that she’s planning a salsa party for all the girls. Since she’s been invited to so many of their “fun” parties, she wants to say thank you by throwing one of her own. Heather admits that she’s reluctant about going, IF only because Alexis will be there. Lydia convinces her to just call Alexis and finally have a sit-down with her, and Heather agrees. What could go wrong? Everything, that’s what. Everything could wrong.

MATH IS ORGANIC?

BBC/SPL

You Officially Now Can Never Say You’re Incapable Of Performing Math

YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE EVER AGAIN TO CLAIM YOU’RE BAD AT MATH: If plants can perform division, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to.

BULLY IN THE PULPIT

The Emperor Has No Clothes: Countries Big & Small Send Message Of Disdain To Obama

By Elizabeth Coady

JUST ABOUT NOW PRESIDENT OBAMA might be wanting to throw himself a party so he can lead loyalists and celebrity friends in a conga dance, just like he did last January.

Because, at this very moment, diverse nations around the globe are sending Obama the message that they do not like his leadership.

As the “Where’s Snowden?” game captivates the globe, the one consensus emerging is that Obama and the American Empire have little respect from peers around the world.