INTO THE ABYSS

Heath Ledger’s Final Words In ‘Joker’ Diary: ‘Bye Bye’

HEATH LEDGER TRAGICALLY DIED FIVE YEARS AGO FROM A DRUG OVERDOSE, two months after he wrapped filming of The Dark Night for which he posthumously won a Best Support Actor Oscar.

Ledger’s haunting portrayal of the sociopathic Joker won rave reviews from the nation’s top critics. The New Yorkers David Denby called him “mesmerizing in every scene.” The Rolling Stones‘ Peter Travers gushed he was “mad-crazy-blazing brilliant as the Joker.”

But when he died in January, 2008, many speculated whether his “mad-crazy” portrayal contributed to his mental decline. Playing the role “disturbed”< Ledger, who called the character a “psychopathic, mass-murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy.”

MINDLESS BEHAVIOR

The Show With Vinny: Cringe-tastic Jenny & Harry 2.0

By Karen Malmquist

IN CASE LAST WEEK’S LOVEFEST WAS TOO HEARTWARMING to handle, Jenny McCarthy’s here to deliver the discomfort we’ve grown used to on The Show with Vinny. All I can say is, thank god Uncle Nino is missing. Then get ready to meet the newest boy-band to take over the airwaves (and if you’re a parent or older sibling, probably your wallet, too).

According to Wikipedia, Jenny is a “comedian.” That’s debatable. She makes a lot of innuendos and talks about boners, which is pretty much the extent of her “comedy.” The least amusing thing about her, according to mom Paolo, is that she’s “allergic to garlic.” Really? Not the vaccinations mumbo jumbo? Mom’s suspicious that she really just doesn’t want to get gassy in mixed company. Vinny complains that he has “an image in my head of Jenny McCarthy, and it’s not her farting.”

When McCarthy arrives and sweeps inside, she towers over everyone, her wavy blonde hair and unblinking eyes transforming her into a fresh-talking Barbie Doll. Being a living, breathing human male, Vinny breaks out in hives. “Look, he’s getting blotchy again,” his mom exclaims.

LAUGHS AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE!

Here’s To The Fun-Sized: Brooklyn Bar Plans ‘Smallest Penis’ Contest

HERE’S TO THE LITTLE PRICKS, THE FUN-SIZED, THE BETAS, the three-inch fools, the ones who get shamed by the King Ding-A-Lings.

Here’s a chance for the less-endowed to grow some and stand tall in defense of their …manhoods: On July 20, Brooklyn’s King’s County Bar will hold a “Smallest Penis Contest” to prove that ” good things can come in small packages.”

The Craigslist pitch goes:

‘STOP IT’

New PSA Demands ‘We Need To Talk About Amanda Bynes

HERE’S THE NEW PSA URGING NETIZENS to ‘stop caring’ about Amanda Bynes. Now let’s countdown…3…2…to the former child star calling the video’s actors “ugly.”

The offering from Official Comedy shows three straight-faced scolds reminding us there’s rebels fighting against a corrupt president in Syria, and your parents called a week ago. Seriously, it’s time to stop caring, they beg.

“My friend told me she wore a crazy wig to her arraignment,” one of the video’s public servants says. “What am I supposed to do with that?”

SINKING SHIP?

Mariah Carey & Nicki Minaj Announce ‘Idol’ Departures On Twitter

By Kyra Senese

MARIAH CAREY and NICKI MINAJ CONFIRM ON TWITTER THAT THIS WILL BE THEIR FIRST AND LAST SEASON as judges on American Idol.

MiMi retweeted a tweet of her PMK BNC publicists announcing, “W/ global success of “#Beautiful” @MariahCarey confirms world tour & says goodbye 2 Idol.”

Nick, whom Mariah famously feuded with earlier in the season, tweeted:

Thank you American Idol for a life changing experience! Wouldn’t trade it for the world! Time to focus on the Music!!! Mmmuuuaahhh!!!

— Nicki Minaj (@NICKIMINAJ) May 30, 2013

SHOT SEVEN TIMES

Father Of Chechen Muslim Killed Accuses FBI Of ‘Execution’

DISTURBING QUESTIONS ARE EMERGING ABOUT THE SHOOTING DEATH OF a Chechen Muslim killed last week while being questioned by the FBI.

Ibragim Todashev, 27, was shot dead whiile being interviewed inside his Orlando apartment May 22 about his possible connnection to a triple murder that occurred in Waltham, Mass. Todashev was an acquaintance of Tamerlan Tsarnaev, one of two brothers suspected of setting off two bombs during this year’s Boston Marathon, killing three and injuring 264.

Tsarnaev was killed during a shootout with authorities three days after the Bombings, but law enforcement began investigating whether he was connected to the slaying of three men in the Boston suburb on Sept. 11, 2011.

‘LIFE AIN’T FAIR’

Snoop Lion & Miley Cyrus Make Sweet Sad Music In ‘Ashtrays & Hearbreaks’ Video

JUST A DAY AFTER US WEEKLY REPORTS THAT Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are officially over, along comes release of the singer’s video collaboration with Snoop Lion in a sad ode to loss.

The just-released video for Ashtrays and Heartbreaks paints a moody portrait of loss and longing, made all the more poignant by the effective harmonizing of the two performers. The video uses glass and light to create the illusion of memory and of friends and acquaintances no longer in our realm.

YOU BORE ME

Grumpy Cat Lands A Movie, And Not A Fruck Was Given

MEH, GRUMPY CAT LANDS A MOVIE DEAL, AND NOT A FRUCK WAS GIVEN.

(Is Grumpy C., a.k.a. Tardar Sauce, even capable of meowling through the night? Does a dog bark? Who cares?)

The feline winner of the coveted “Meme Of The Year Award,” bestowed at the 2013 Webby Awards, is once again being thrust into the spotlight despite her deep existential indifference to your being.

Yet because fate has cursed her (or blessed, depending on one’s economic interest) with a permanent scowl, she’s now forced to succumb to Hollywood pimps who want to sell her for cheap lulz.

PACKING HEAT

Kelly Osbourne Returns Fire With Fire: Lady Gaga’s A Hypocrite

By Kyra Senese

KELLY OSBOURNE THROWS MORE FUEL ON HER FIERY FEUD with Lady Gaga in July’s Cosmopolitan. The mag features the Fashion Police star on the cover, as well as her explanation as to why she labels Gaga a hypocrite.

“I loved Lady Gaga. I totally believed in everything she stood for, until I realized she’s a great big hypocrite,” she says. “Don’t say, ‘When you see bullying, intervene,’ while letting your fans send me death threats. If my fans did that, I would not stand for it.”

RACE OF A LIFETIME

Credit: Quinn Miller Photography

Jurassic Wedding

THERE AIN’T NO ESCAPING THE ISLAND NOW, short of divorce or murder or death.

But let’s not think about that. Let’s celebrate the youth and creativity of James Lowder and his lovely wife, Katie nee Young, who joined together in holy matrimony May 26 at the The Myrtles Plantation in Louisiana. The couple’s photographer Quinn Miller photoshopped a T Rex into a photo of the wedding party fleeing the imaginary monsters of their minds.