AMAZING DISGRACE

Real Housewives Of Atlanta Reunion: 2 Good 2 B 4Real

By Karen Malmquist

THE THIRD AND FINAL INSTALLMENT OF THE Atlanta Housewives’ reunion is like Diana Ross’s Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, an emotional rollercoaster ride from the dirtiest lows (Kenya calling out Apollo for texting her) to the highest highs (NeNe reading Kim’s email).

As the men join their wives and girlfriends, Kordell is noticeably absent. Peter says he’ll have a word with him for not showing up to support his wife, but we already know why he’s checked out (he’s filed for divorce). The episode’s called “Porsha’s Breakdown,” and it’s painfully obvious that her marriage is splintering. But first…

CASTING JESUS JUGS OUT

Real Housewives Of Orange County: Get The F*ck Out

By Trisha B.

IT’S ALMOST TIME FOR TAMRA’S FITNESS STUDIO DINNER, and everyone’s on edge, including me.

When we left Vicki last week she was waiting on her patio for Alexis to come by for drinks. The doorbell rings and it’s Alexis, a gift hanging from her wrist. She tells Vicki she looks amazing and tells us that just because you’re a grandma doesn’t mean you have to look like one. Although, personally, I don’t think Vicki did herself any favors by having surgery. Alexis’ gift to Vicki is a mirror, to remind her she didn’t need anything done but that she’s still beautiful. OK. Then she accuses the other ladies of running her down when she had nose surgery, which I don’t remember. Such a victim.

CONNECTED TO KILLING?

Did Dead Boston Marathon Bomber Kill Before?

ON THE SAME DAY THAT FEDERAL PROSECUTORS CHARGED a 19-year-old Chechnya native with using a weapon of mass destruction to kill, Boston police are investigating whether his dead older brother may have slaughtered three men in a grisly 2011 murder mystery.

Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is accused of setting off two bombs, killing three and injuring another 180, during last Monday’s Boston Marathon race. His brother Tamerlan, 26, described as a “radicalized’ Muslim, was killed during a shootout Friday morning with law enforcement authorities. A new unconfirmed report claims he telephoned his mother to tell her he loved her in the middle of that fire exchange.

The attacks on Boston’s Patriot’s Day led authorities to shut down Boston and area suburbs while they searched for the culprits. Federal agents contend the two brothers had planned to commit more murders and are interviewing the surviving brother to determine whether any outside groups were involved in their deadly schemes.

Now Boston police are also trying to determine if Tamerlan may have been the culprit in the grisly murders of three men found with their throats cut; their bodies had been covered with marijuana. Cops were perplexed because the murderer had left thousands of dollars in cash in the apartment.

TOUCHED

Jesus Reveals Himself As Juggler In Man’s Laundry Stain

JESUS PROMISED TO ABSOLVE YOU OF YOUR SINS, BUT HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT LAUNDRY STAINS.

Martin Andrew learned this when he inadvertently baptised his laundry with some fabric softener. The chemical left a stain that took on the visage of a juggling Jesus.

WHAT UP?

Would You Like Some Shade Served With Your Olive Garden Breadsticks?

By Elizabeth C.

YOU PROBABLY NEED TO BE involved in a longterm relationship to appreciate the repressed hostility seeping from the above photo. But sometimes you just can’t stand looking at the mug on the mother-effer’s face sitting across the table from you.

Case in point: the “grown-ass man” who made a fort out of Olive Garden menus in Charlotte, N.C. because he was “mad” at his girlfriend. Or so tweets “fledging” iOS developer Adam Howell.

CROSSING THE LINE

Legally Bombed: Reese Witherspoon Apologizes For Crass Talk During Atlanta Arrest

By Elizabeth C.

OOOPS. REESE WITHERSPOON LET HER ENTITLEMENT SLIP WHEN SHE WAS PULLED OVER WITH HER HUSBAND April 19 in Atlanta after he was spotted weaving on the road.

“Do you know my name?,” the actress challenged Georgia State Trooper First Class J. Pylanda, who was arresting her husband after he failed to ‘walk the line’ properly in a field sobriety test. “You’re about to find out who I am.”

LOVE CELEBRITY STYLE

Kim Kardashian Gets Her Divorce Wish; Officially Unwed Mother-To-Be

By Kyra Senese

THE DIVORCE BATTLE LASTED SEVEN TIMES LONGER THAN THE MARRIAGE, BUT Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are finally legally kaput.

A Los Angeles judge confirmed Friday that Kimmie and super-estranged ex Kris Humphries have agreed on terms to settle their divorce. But TMZ reports that Humphries got ZIP and RadarOnline claims the b-baller settled because he was about to be force-fed “a sh*t sandwich and chose to settle.”

THE NEW HOUSEWIFE

Real Housewives Of Orange County: Jesus Jugs 2.0

By Karen Malmquist

JESUS JUGS 2.0 HAS ARRIVED IN ORANGE COUNTY, AND SHE IS…interesting.

Last week’s Real Housewives of Orange County, was all about new beginnings, rekindled friendships and the newest housewife sticking her hair in the entrée while saying grace.

Alexis visits Vicki’s house to see Briana’s baby Troy. She has come bearing gifts, including a Gucci onesie. He’s a very cute baby, even slowly waving at the ladies. Despite being adorable, he doesn’t seem to be into the all the lights and cameras around him.

INDECENT PROPOSALS

Mad Men: Slut Shaming

By Miz J

THE NIGHT’S EPISODE, “To Have and To Hold,” takes a long view of promises and deception, and the gap between the things we say and what we mean.

First, there’s the continuation of last week’s bit of news about the Heinz ketchup business. The ketchup clients meets Don and Pete at Pete’s city apartment, the source of so many torrid affairs. They agree to carefully move forward with a pitch, spelling out where they’ll meet and how they’ll handle the beans client, before Ketchup Guy pulls off his wedding ring to meet his mistress for a date.

WITNESS TO EVIL?

Credit: AP

Victim In Grisly Marathon Bombing Photo Helped ID Suspect

By Elizabeth C.

AS HE AWAKENED IN HIS HOSPITAL BED AFTER LOSING BOTH LEGS in Monday’s Boston Marathon bombing, a groggy Jeff Bauman gestured for a pen and paper, then wrote, “Bag, saw the guy, looked right at me.”

Bauman, 27, was the dazed victim depicted in a graphic Associated Press photograph broadcast worldwide capturing the frenzied horror that followed Monday afternoon’s bombings. His stunned father, also named Jeff, learned of his son’s grisly injuries after seeing the photograph online.