CONGRATS

Kroy Biermann Legally Files To Adopt Kim Zolciak’s Two Daughters

By Karen Malmquist

BIG POPPA WHO?

After seeing her on the early years of Real Housewives of Atlanta, it might be hard to imagine Kim Zolciak coming out of the franchise in a somehow more stable state. But thanks to her young footballer hubby Kroy Biermann, things keep looking up and up.

News broke that Kroy has filed to adopt Kim’s daughters from a previous marriage, Brielle and Ariana. Because their birth father and Kim’s ex-husband, Daniel D. Toce, has been out of the picture for way too long, Kroy has decided to make his role as a father figure to the girls official.

RISE

The Devil Wins This Around Against Food Lion ‘Kung Fu Grandpa’

By Elizabeth C.

IT’S GOOD FRIDAY, TIME FOR A JESUS-LOVING GRANDPA TO CHASE AWAY THE DEVIL WITH SOME KUNG FU NUMBCHUCK PANDA MOVES.

Let’s listen in as the Rev. Aamon R. Miller delivers a siloquoy on the performance in a local Food Lion parking lot:

PROVOKING IRE

Controversial ‘Jew In A Box’ Exhibit Big Hit In Germany

By Elizabeth C.

SECULAR AND CULTURAL MISUNDERSTANDINGS FREQUENTLY GROW FROM PEOPLE figuratively putting each other in boxes. But in Germany, an exhibit that is literally putting a ‘Jew In A Box’ hopes to expand understanding.

“A lot of our visitors don’t know any Jews and have questions they want to ask,” the Jewish Museum’s Tina Luedecke tells the Associated Press. “With this exhibition we offer an opportunity for those people to know more about Jews and Jewish life.”

From now through August, a Jewish man or woman will be seated inside a glass box for two hours each day to answer visitors’ questions about being Jewish in modern Germany.

PROMISING A CERTAIN HELL IN HEAVEN

‘Don’t Die Virgin’ Sign Twists Some Panties

By Elizabeth C.

A GAS STATION SIGN IN MADISON, WIS. ADMONISHES PASSERS-BY to “Don’t die a virgin [because] terrorists are up there waiting for you.”

The sign alludes to the promise of Hamas activist Muhammad Abu Wardeh, who once told CBS that he recruited suicide bombers with the rewards in the afterlife. “I described to him how God would compensate the martyr for sacrificing his life for his land. If you become a martyr, God will give you 70 virgins, 70 wives and everlasting happiness,” he said.

The message was put up by as a joke by Grant Zimmerman, who lives next door to the BP gas station near Willy Street. But a local television crew reports that there have been some complaints, and quote at least one person who objected to the joke.

FRI-AWWW DAY

Here’s A Doggie Bottle-Feeding A Lamb

HERE’S 33 SECONDS OF SUCCOR TO START YOUR FRIDAY. Jess is a 10-year-old Springer Spaniel trained by her owner Louise Moorhouse to feed orphan lambs on her farm near Dartmoor, England.

“Jess has been around sheep all her life and she is not at all frightened of the large ewes,” Moorhouse tells a local reporter. “They even give her a belly rub which Jess loves.”

WILD CHILD

Penis Dreams, Urine Drinks, Flipping The Bird: All Part Of Ke$ha’s Crazy Beautiful Life

By Jacob Wittich

THE TRAILER FOR KE$HA’s upcoming MTV docuseries, Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, has been released and it shows the beauty in the famous wild child’s crazy crazy life.

The MTV series premieres Tuesday, April 23, and features two years of the pop star’s crazy antics filmed by the star’s brother.

“I keep on having penis dreams. I think I need to get laid,” K$ is seen saying in one scene before releasing a dramatic belch -as if that’ll help her with her problems.

WE’LL ALWAYS ‘MEMBA’ STARS

‘Fame’ Study Shows We’ll Never Be Free Of Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian

IT MAY BE TIME TO TOSS THE ADAGE THAT FAME IS FLEETING. A new study found that fame “exhibits strong continuity even in entertainment, on television, and on blogs, where it has been thought to be most ephemeral.”

Sociologists who culled names of famous from newspaper archives found that “96 per cent of the people whose names were mentioned over 100 times in a year also written about at least three years before and would likely be written about in the next three years as well.”

CAN’T LOOK AWAY

Ryan Lochte Reality Show Trailer Attracts & Repels

By Elizabeth C.

OLYMPIC MEDALIST, ERSATZ FASHIONISTA, LAUGHINGSTOCK: Yes, we’re talking about Ryan Lochte.

Has there ever been a man/boy that both attracted and repelled in equal measure? The strong hams and blue eyes and megawatt smile attract, while the goofy JEAH!, the mangled vocabulary, the utter lack of self-awareness repel.

Package it all under the title What Would Ryan Lochte Do? and it becomes the most magnetically compelling reality show ever.

DECONSTRUCTING SPIN

Publicist Condemns Author To ‘Hell’ For Writing Devastating Takedown of Lean In

By Elizabeth C.

A FORMER FACEBOOK SPEECHWRITER HAS WRITTEN A DEVASTATING TAKEDOWN OF Sheryl Sandberg’s so-called new feminist manifesto, Lean In. In return, she received a message from Sandberg’s reputed publicist admonishing ”there’s a special place in hell” reserved for her.

Writer Katherine Losse deconstructs Sandberg’s much-ballyhooed book not so much a guide for working women, but as a propagandist tool to enhance Facebook’s power and quiet feminists’ critics all while wrangling more work out of female employees.

That sounds about right.

“Lean In’s goal is to push women forward into their work so as to overcome what Sandberg represents as women’s universal internal resistance to career velocity,” writes Losse, who worked at Facebook from 2005 to 2010. “…Life is a race, Sandberg is telling us, and the way to win is through the perpetual acceleration of one’s own labor: moving forward, faster. The real antagonist identified by Lean In then is not institutionalized discrimination against women, but women’s reluctance to accept accelerating career demands.”

LOADED

By Elizabeth C.

WHAT’S SEAN PENN’S HAITI FRIENDS GOING TO THINK ABOUT THIS?

The son of the notoriously hotheaded actor is apologizing after unleashing a litany of hateful slurs — including fa**ot and the awful ‘N’ word — on a paparazzo who was snapping photos of the actor while entering a Beverly Hills building.

The 19-year-old seems to push the shooter after he had the audacity to shoot Penn Sr. Penn ignored the pap but then Hopper rushed over from across the street, appeared to push the cameraman and began spewing vulgarities!! And it was all caught on tape.