CELEBRATING AFTER BIG WIN?

In Today’s Biggest Non-News Story, Jennifer Lawrence Smokes a Joint

By Elizabeth C.

DING DING DING DING! Now that Jennifer Lawrence has captivated the public, it’s time for the tabloids to target her. Thus, today, three days after she bagged the Best Actress Oscar for Silver Linings Playbook we’ve been served up photos of her imbibing wine and weed in Hawaii.

The 22-year-old flavor of the moment was photographed smoking on her hotel balcony in the 50th state, where she currently is to reshoot scenes for her upcoming Hunger Games: Catching Fire.

ODDITY

Moby’s LA House Was The Hotbed Of Errol Flynn’s Sex Orgies

By Elizabeth C.

ELECTRONIC MUSIC MAKER MOBY opened his house to the Oddities film crew to show off his globe collection. While there, hosts Mike Zohn and Evan Michelson managed to unload a vintage “orrery” for a cool $650. (Notice their gratitude when Moby refused to quibble over the price.)

But even more fun to hear about is the history of Moby’s Los Angeles home. “Apparently Marlon Brando lived here for a little while and the Rolling Stones occasionally used to rent the house,” the tech musician tells the show. “But the other day this very old lady walked up to me and said, ‘Do you live here?’ I said, ‘yes.’ And she said, ‘Do you know Errol Flynn used to have sex parties in your house.”

KICKING UP CONTROVERSY

PETA Slams Beyonce For Treating Exotic Skins As Swag

By Elizabeth C.

WHEN YOU’RE THE PRE-EMINENT MISTRESS OF THE UNIVERSE, all the world’s your swag. Any righteous Beyonce fan will tell you that God created pigs and oxen so that she can skin them alive to meet her needs. So too ostriches, stingrays and crocodiles. ‘Cause what part of no does Queen B understand? Zip; there is no part of no that Bey can wrap her wiggy head around.

But even God’s chosen ones must perennially battle enemies. And those worshippers of false gods over at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have a problem with Bey. Seems the Crazy In Love singer is crazy about using exotic animals to make her footwear, most recently contracting with Perfectly Made Kicks for the “King Bey Isabel Marant Sneaker Wedge” “made from crocodile and anaconda skins, stingray, ostrich, and calf hair.” Which means a whole lot of animals had to die to please God’s Mistress.

CONGRATS, WE THINK

Famous Sperm Doodler Perez Hilton Welcomes A Son

By Elizabeth C.

THE QUEEN OF ALL MEDIA, PEREZ HILTON, HAS FOUND ANOTHER USE FOR SPERM OTHER THAN doodling it celebrities’ faces: The blogger has announced he became a father earlier this month.

BITE-SIZED TIDBITS

Whack Wednesday: Dennis Rodman’s B-Ball Diplomacy, King Of Beer’s Lawsuit & Marissa Mayer’s Hypocrisy

By Miz J

DON’T TRY HEADING OVER TO SNOPES.COM FOR THIS ONE — Dennis Rodman and three Harlem Globetrotters are are visiting North Korea to start up a basketball camp, with the whole thing being recorded for both posterity and HBO.

And just when you think this story can’t get any weirder, stay tuned — this is DENNIS RODMAN we’re talking about here. North Koreans, who follow a very strict dress code that includes military khaki and pretty much nothing else, are already in awe of his unique look, complete with facial piercings, tattoos and wildly colored hair—thankfully, The Worm decided to leave that infamous bridal ensemble at home.

‘GREAT WHITE SASQUATCH’

Spreading The Joys Of Jesus & Hairy Arms In The Eastern Congo

IF YOU NEEDED FURTHER PROOF THAT GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS, check out Ultimate Fighting Champion Justin “The Viking” Wren sharing his hairy arms with the children of the Mbuti Pygmies in Eastern Congo.

The “Vanilla Guerilla” apparently shot the above video during a visit to the Congo to proselytize about Jesus. “His mission is to share Jesus’ love with a semi-nomadic group in Congo, the Mbuti Pygmies where only 1% have heard of Jesus,” his website claims. “Mbuti Pygmies are persecuted, tortured and denied citizen status in the Democratic Republic of Congo.”

WHAT LIES BENEATH

Snooki & JWoww: Picture Perfect (Despite The Secrets)

By Karen Malmquist

THOUGH SHE’S NOT EXACTLY BACK TO PEEING ON decks like her Jersey Shore days, Nicole is now hiding under one on Tuesday’s Snooki & JWoww. And while the meatball is sneaking smokes, Roger’s hiding something of his own.

Nicole and Jionni are still at their romance-reigniting dinner from last week, and Nicole is stumbling down the line between responsible parent and party girl by suggesting she pump-and-dumps at the restaurant while still tipsy. When they get home via cab, they say hi to Jenni, Roger, and Lorenzo, expecting their baby to say hi back. He doesn’t.

‘NOT A MONSTER’

Chris Brown Calls Rihanna Assault His ‘Deepest Regret’

By Jacob Wittich

POP’S BIGGEST PARIAH CHRIS BROWN ADMITS THAT hitting Rihanna is the “deepest regret” of his life.

“That night was the deepest regret of my life, the biggest mistake,” Brown told the Daily Mirror during Elton John’s Aids Foundation Oscars party Sunday. “But she loves me –- what can I say? I’m forgiven …but yes, I worked hard for it.”

UNDER COVER

Jennifer Lawrence Dyes Hair In Desperate Attempt To Shake Jack Nicholson?

By Elizabeth C.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE, THE “IT GIRL” OF THE MOMENT by dint of her Best Actress Oscar at Sunday’s Academy Awards, was spotted yesterday with her naturally light hair darkened. The Hollywood Reporter claims the new do comes in preparation for Lawrence’s reprisal of Katniss Everdeen in Hunger Games: Catching Fire. But we think we know better: Jack Nicholson.

SNAP!

It’s L’Officiel: Kim & Kanye Get Steamy For The Cameras

By Elizabeth C.

OH LA LA! Here’s Kim and Kanye feigning getting sweaty for the cover of the French men’s magazine L’Officiel Hommes. Or maybe they’re actually doing the dirty. Or maybe they got aroused while pretending for the cameras. Yep, that’s it. They got orgasmic because of the cameras.

We gotta come up with another phrase for “fame whores” because Kimye is turning it into a cliche. Headline harlots? Click trollops? Neither quite has the ring as fame ho. How about whores for cash? Because the truth is every time they flash some flesh these two laugh all the way to their Swiss bank accounts. Baby Kimye will be well provided for. No hand-me-downs for Kitten!! That’s the name I’ve anointed her until Kimye announces the real “K” name.