NAKED LOYALTIES

Peace Breaks Out As Soldiers, Strangers, Stand In Naked Salute To Prince Harry

By Elizabeth C.

HIS NAME MAY BE MUD WITH U.K.’s crusty monarchists but Harry Prince has won the slavish devotion of nudists, narcissists and extroverted soldiers around the globe.

As of 9:45p.m. Central time, 19,288 Harry loyalists — comprised of buff soldiers, lazy dogs, sleeping kitties, unwitting children and plastic Barbies — have joined Facebook’s “Support Prince Harry with a naked salute!” fan page. It’s a veritable smorgasbord of body types and nationalities all honoring Britain’s new favorite son. (Curiously, though, these fans are mostly white.)

BREAKING UP MAKES CAPITAL GAINS

Love, Celebrity Style: Real Estate Edition

By Elizabeth C.

NOW THAT THE VAMPIRES’ LOVE NEST HAS BECOME DARK AND FUNEREAL, Robert Pattinson is selling the Los Feliz home he shared with accused “trampire” Kristen Stewart. Camille Grammer is ditching the Malibu mansion she once shared with cheating ex Kelsey Grammer. And Ellen DeGeneres has flipped the modern Malibu spread she snapped from Brad Pitt last December. Today’s Love Celebrity Style plays house.

PLAYING FOR KEEPS

Coming Next? Prince Harry’s Alleged Naked Romp Caught On Tape

By Elizabeth C.

THE LATEST PRINCE HARRY RUMORS PROMISE A VERITABLE BONFIRE OF VANITIES: an alleged videotape showing the fresh prince romping naked and — if we’re all to be surprised — maybe smoking crack cocaine.

Just joking about that last part, ha ha, but the alleged video definitely melds greed, fame, ambition and social class into a delicious contemporary contretemps.

FINGERED AS ‘SUSPECT’

SaulLoeb/AFP/Getty

Should We Add Kleptomania To Lindsay Lohan’s Presumed Problems?

By Elizabeth C.

QUICK — CAN SOMONE PASS LINDSAY LOHAN SOME WET NAPPIES TO wipe her presumed sticky fingers? The perpetual problem child (and plastic surgeon’s patient) is now officially a suspect in a $100,000 heist from a Hollywood Hills home.

THE EPITOME OF DYSFUNCTIONAL

Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Wallowing In Discord Porn

By Karen Malmquist

BASED ON THE SUPER DRAMATIC “PREVIOUSLY ON…,” THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET REAL UGLY ON Real Housewives of New Jersey. Not only do Caroline and Teresa finally go head-to-head in Napa, but Greg Bennett is only seen raising his eyebrows for one brief moment in the episode.

The families are hanging around the hot tub together after the awkward dinner, and Kathy mentions how Teresa left her out of the toast at dinner.

A MIRACLE

Pickle Shots For Everyone! Snooki Gives Birth To Baby Lorenzo

By Elizabeth C.

HE’S ARRIVED!

New Jersey’s No. 1 Party Girl, Nicole Polizzi, joyously announces the arrival of Lorenzo Dominic LaValle. New Jersey’s chosen son broke through Snooki’s vajajay about 3a.m.Sunday at Saint Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, NJ. He’s the surprise result of a determined spermatoza let loose one unaccountable boozy party night. And it’ll be a miracle if he doesn’t show signs of fetal alcohol syndrome. (Kidding, haha.)

Both mom and dad, Jionn LaValle, are reportedly euphoric.

ALL HEART & SOLE

This Is How You Dubstep With Heart

MARQUESE SCOTT SHOWS HOW IT’S DONE TO Adventure Club’s Need Your Heart.

EXEMPLIFYING ‘NARCISSISTIC HIPSTER ETHOS’

TureLillegraven

Bon Iver ”Worst Hipster Band?” That’s What He Said

By Elizabeth C.

THE REJECTION COULD CAUSE JUSTIN VERNON TO FLEE TO WISCONSIN’S NORTHWOODS AND mewl out a song: Bon Iver tops La Weekly‘s “worst hipster bands” list

A PRINCE OF A PLAYER

Splash

The Hilarious Fallout From Prince Harry’s Naked Hijinks

By Elizabeth C.

PRINCE HARRY’S SIN CITY EXPLOITS CONTINUE to generate headlines and outrage, some of them ironic. To wit:

Read more →

WHAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT

Credit: Splash/Mirror

Katie Holmes Loses Luxe, Gains Life, In Divorce Settlement From Tom

By Elizabeth C.

TMZ’S HEADLINE ABOUT TOM CRUISE’S divorce settlement blares — “I GOT OUT CHEAP!!!” — because the A-list Scientologist will only pay $400,000 annually in child support.

Let’s rewrite this storyline, shall we? Cruise got out cheap because all Holmes cared about was getting custody of Suri.