CONTAGION

The Epidemic That Is Gotye’s “Song” Claims Two More Victims

By Elizabeth C.

HERE’S ACTORS KYLE KAPLAN AND NICK BRAUN Of ABC’s SITCOM 10 Things I Hate About You trying to resist but ultimately succumbing to the epidemic that is Gotye’s Somebody That I Used To Know.

The video short shows the two guys expressing relief over a cream prescription for a “rash” before opining about how awful and ubiquitous the song for the lovelorn has become.

“Get it off, get it off, quickly dude,” says Braun — before passionately belting out the chorus.

NEWS IN SHORT

German Mayor Goes Retro, Tosh 2.0 Star Crashes & Cray Courtney Is Hiring

By Miz J

SO, THE MAYOR OF A GERMAN TOWN has begun designating certain parking spaces for men only — apparently because these spaces are harder to get into. Which leads me to ask two important questions of Mayor McCheese Strobel: first, do you know what’s REALLY hard to get into? A woman that you’ve just insulted. And, second, what happened the last time Germany decided to segregate one type of person from the other? A holocaust.

IS THAT SO?

New Studies On Cats, Money & Men

By Elizabeth C.

OH THE INTELLECTUAL JOYS OF THE BEHAVIORAL SCIENCES! The field delivers almost daily findings from the latest laboratory studies on what makes us tick. This week, our cup of half-baked and tantalizing theories runneth over. To wit:

STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

Two PlayBoy Bunnies, One Porn Star & A “Kitten Killer”: The Failed Plot To Nab Luka Magnotta

By Elizabeth C.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A PLOT FROM A MADE-FOR-CABLE MOVIE without the righteous climatic ending: Twin Playboy bunnies and a vigilante animal rights group unsuccessfully tried to hire porn legend Ron Jeremy to help lure “Kitten Killer” & “Canadian Psycho” Luka Magnotta to HIS arrest.

Magnotta, a porn-star wannabe, is notorious for killing, dismembering and then feeding the flesh of his boyfriend to a dog, and then uploading the videotaped slaughter to YouTube. He was arrested in early June in Germany. But even before that horrifying crime, the narcissistic sicko was in the crosshairs of animal rights groups worldwide for posting a series of videos depicting him torturing and killing kittens.

One such group, Rescue Ink, concocted a sting operation to help catch him: They enlisted the help of former Playboy playmates Sia and Shane Barbi, aka the “Barbi Twins,” who then sought to persuade porn king Jeremy to lure Magnatta to a fake porn shoot, the Globe And Mail reports.

ALL IN THE DYSFUNCTIONAL TV FAMILY

Real Housewives Of Orange County: Sad Eyes, Piss Face & The Death Stare

By Trisha B.

“JESUS JUGGS,” “JESUS JUGGS.” “JESUS JUGGS.” OK, have we gotten that out of our systems?

We’ve been seeing Tamra Barney scream that tasty morsel at Alexis for at least a week now. I hope the phrase is not the only new nugget in this season rehash. Let us pray.

A SALTY STORY

Does This ‘Considerate Clam’ Make You Lose Your Appetite?

By Elizabeth C.

PITY THE LOWLY CLAM. Stuck inside itself, wallowing deep in the sea’s muck, sacrificial shellfish for mankind’s palate — with the occasional burping up of a pearl.

This bivalve mollusk has no eyes, but it does have kidneys, a mouth, an anus — and a heart which must be breaking. Undisturbed in its home, the clam’s lifespan could stretch as long as 225 years.

It’s probably not something you considered before watching the above YouTube video affixed with the commentary: “Considerate clams flavor themselves before being eaten.”

ALTERNATE REALITIES

Real Housewives Of New York: Yummie Tummie Honeys Vs. The Left Behind

By Trisha B.

THE COOL GIRLS HAVE ARRIVED IN LONDON. After taking the red eye, it’s noon when the Countess, Sonja, and Carole land at Heathrow. On the drive to the hotel, Sonja and LuAnn will not stop talking, with Sonja noting that they drink all day in England and she loves that. Carole tells us she can’t get a word in edgewise between these two chattering nabobs.

THE EDUCATION OF KATIE HOLMES

Katie Holmes’ Masterfully Choreographed Coming Out Party

By Elizabeth C.

THERE’S A WHIFF OF CONSPIRACY IN KATIE HOLMES’ MASTERFUL MANIPULATION OF HER FAST-TRACK DIVORCE.

GETTING FREAKY

Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Party Pooper

By Karen Malmquist

THE LADIES OF REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY HAVE PURCHASED A one-way ticket to Awkward City, USA. It’s Antonia’s sixth birthday, and it’s circus themed, an appropriate metaphor for this season so far.

TASTE V. TASTELESS

Diana Ross Doesn’t Cotton To Tyler Perry’s Buffoonery

By Elizabeth C.

TASTE MAY BE A DYING VIRTUE BUT ICONIC SONGSTRESS DIANA ROSS is prepared to die holding on to a vestige of dignity: Vibe reports there ain’t no mountain low enough to lead Ross to work with buffoonery artist, Tyler Perry.