YOU ARE WHAT YOU CONSUME?

Batman Robs! Mexican Dark Knight Moviegoers Confront Real Dose Of Evil

By Elizabeth C.

THIEVES IN BATMAN MASKS RAIDED A MOVIE THEATER IN NORTHERN MEXICO and robbed patrons seeing The Dark Knight Rises of an estimated $16,000, Fox News Latino reports.

The heist comes less than two weeks after deranged neuroscience student James Holmes entered an Aurora, Colo. theater and opened fire, killing 12 and injuring 59 others.

Holmes, a gifted student who was under psychiatric care before he turned violent, was formally charged Monday with 24 counts of murder and 116 counts of attempted murder yesterday. Prosecutors have not yet decided if they will seek the death penalty against him.

The movie theater robbery follows a spate of actual or threatened copycat crimes. Also previously, four men robbed a Singapore movie theater showing Dark Knight Rises, netting an estimated $55,900 haul.

SAVING A LOST CAUSE

Credit: GoFundMe

Who’s With Me? I’m Donating To Octomom Nadya Suleman

By Elizabeth C.

I‘VE GOT $30 $20 BUCKS IN MY PAYPAL ACCOUNT AND I’M SHIPPING IT TO THE OCTOMOM. Who’s with me?

Finally some flicker of sense has sprung alive in the spongy muscle in Nadya Suleman’s head: She’s going straight to you — the public — for financial help.

WTF

Real Housewives Of New York: Livin’ La Viagra Loca

By Trisha B.

CAROLE CHARMS SONJA’S OLD GEEZER AND Ramona can’t wrap her head around Aviva’s many fake legs.

Carole’s working in her living room and talking to her sister in law on the phone. She tells us again that she just has to finish her new book. Since it’s been optioned for a TV show the pressure is enormous now. She has the most amazing animal skin couch. Amazing (scroll down), I tell ya. But I digress. She’s going to Miami to meet the girls but is only staying one night. While getting ready to pack she calls Aviva to ask about the weather, walking barefoot around her very expensive looking apartment. Aviva tells her Ramona just goes on and on and we learn Carole has nicknamed her Bunny for just that reason.

She limos over to pick up Sonja, they exchange two cheek kisses, and are off to the airport.

BFF (BEST FRENEMIES FOREVER)

Credit: Kyle Terada, USA TODAY Sports

The Score’s Not Quite Settled Between Frenemies Michael Phelps & Ryan Lochte

By Elizabeth C.

THE SCORE ISN’T QUITE SETTLED BETWEEN FRENEMIES Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte: The winningest U.S. Olympian lost out to Lochte in the men’s 400-meter individual medley swimming final at the Aquatics Centre in the Olympic Park Saturday. Phelps came in fourth and failed to medal in the race while Lochte claimed the coveted gold.

But Sunday night was a different story when the two were part of the U.S. swim team in the 4×100-meter freestyle relay. Lochte blew the lead as anchor and cost the team the gold.

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A REAL DOWNER

Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Breaking Bad & Knocking Wood

By Karen Malmquist

FAMILY VACATIONS ARE GENERALLY BAD NEWS, BUT WHEN The Real Housewives Of New Jersey go on vacation together, “bad news” is an understatement. From Joe Giudice almost stabbing himself in an RV to Greg waking up to Rich’s erection in his face, Sunday’s episode barely scratched the surface of what’s to come on this hot mess of a trip to Napa.

A MODERN FAIRYTALE

Credit: BauerGriffenonline

Is It Time To U-Haul The R Patz Cheating Scandal To The Dump?

By Elizabeth C.

THE SPINMASTERS INSIDE HOLLYWOOD WANT TO MAKE YOU THINK THAT ROBERT PATTINSON IS TWO TIMES THE VICTIM.

Poor sparkly vampire boy has lost some of his sheen after paparazzi snapped his lady love allowing another predator to rub up against her. By itself, this was conceivable as Kristen Stewart has always exhibited disdain for following other’s rules, a penchant which extends to flouting societal norms like not dry humping another when you have a boyfriend.

But then today arrives. Today, when news pushes the boundaries of believable as TMZ — Hollywood’s go-to site for leaking the back story — squeals that RPatz is “UHauling [his] ass” out of the Los Feliz house he shares with the now soiled Snow White.

Okay, this is where we start calling bullshit.

APPALLING LACK OF POISE

Grumpy Queen Elizabeth Picks Her Nails, Falls Downs On Job

Staff

YOU’D THINK WITH ALL THE PRIVILEGES THE EMPIRE PROVIDES Queen Elizabeth would shake herself awake and stand salute for her British Olympians.

No doubt the 86-year-old Queen was up past her bedtime. But the opening festivities of the 2012 London Olympics proved a bit too much for England’s reigning monarch who wore a dour expression most of the night — and was caught picking her fingernails when her country’s atheletes entered the Olympic stadium.

CALM DOWN HORMONAL

Snooki & JWoww: Best B*tches

By Karen Malmquist

JUST WHEN SNOOKI COULDN’T GET ANY CUTER, she gets thrown into a room full of puppies. This is the tallest she has ever looked, but more on that later.

After Jenni continuously denies Roger some action after her and Nicole’s housewarming party, they finally stop bickering and go to sleep. His tattoos look especially intricate in night vision, so at least he’s got that going for him.

BURNED

What Do Vampire Tears Look Like, RPatz?

By Elizabeth C.

WHAT DO VAMPIRE TEARS LOOK LIKE?

Do they taste salty like the immortal sea? Do they drip red like blood? Do they burn the souls of those who made them fall?

Tell us, RPatz.

Everybody’s favorite vampire boy has fled the home that he shared with Kristen Stewart, who proves definitively that she’s mere mortal after having gotten caught in an embrace with one who was not her love.