THAT’S NUTS!

WTF?! Ballsy Entrepreneur Sells “Neuticles” For Neutered Pooches

By Elizabeth C.

IF YOU POKED YOUR DOG’S EYES OUT, WOULD HE NOTICE? Of course he would, until you replaced it with a marble eye, in which case he wouldn’t feel quite so freakish, even if it looked a little wonky.

Ditto his testicular sack. You think your dog doesn’t hide his head in shame once you neuter him? Of course it’s the right thing to do, but what about your dog’s permanently shrunken ego?

PACKING A PUNCH

Cruel To Be Kind: Rosie O’Donnell Does Lindsay Lohan A Favor

By Elizabeth C.

ROSIE O’DONNELL HAS A POINT.

The talk show personality pissed off Lindsay Lohan and her embarassing father when she declared that LiLo wasn’t up to the task of playing Elizabeth Taylor in a biopic of the Hollywood legend.

‘The last thing she did good she was 16,” O’Donnell said on the Today show Tuesday. “I don’t think she’s right for the role and I don’t think she’s capable at this point of doing what’s needed.”

The troubled actress rebuffed her remarks by saying:

OFF THE LEASH

Ke$ha Releases Her Feral Animal On The Street

By Linda Seccaspina

KE$HA’S MOTHER MUST BE SO PROUD AS THE SINGER’S latest wild escapade leaves us speechless.

Wednesday morning, the Tik Tok singer posted a picture of herself on Twitter squatting and urinating in the street.

SMOOTH MOVE

Preezy Barack Obama ‘Slow Jams’ Republicans On Student Loan Rates

By Elizabeth C.

AS “CAMPAIGN THEATRICS” GO, THIS WAS SPECTACULAR:

“Preezy” Barack Obama joined NBC’s Jimmy Fallon onstage Wednesday to ostensibly “slow jam the news.” But what he was really jamming were Congressional Republicans on negotiations to extend low interest rates on federal student loans.

PECKING ORDERS

Credit: Hiblarious

‘Most Beautiful’ Beyonce Bans Kimmie K. From ‘Inner Circle?’

By Linda Seccaspina

BEYONCE’S BEAUTY POSITIONS HER AT THE TOP OF PEOPLE‘S MOST BEAUTIFUL LIST THIS WEEK, BUT IS she acting ugly in real life?

It’s no secret that Kanye West and Jay Z are besties, and now gossips claim Beyonce has made it clear that Kim Kardashian isn’t welcome to drop by for some tea or muscato.

Credit: Radaronline/Getty/Splash

For A Little While, Fillers Hold Up Catherine Zeta-Jones’ Face

By Linda Seccaspina

A FEW WEEKS AGO I VOWED TO NEVER WRITE about another celebrity’s plastic surgery mutilation, but when I saw the latest picture of Catherine-Zeta Jones, I couldn’t stop myself.

THE MEOWS ARE COMING

Real Housewives Of Orange County: Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None

By Trisha B.

WE’RE IN LOVELY DANA POINT, CALIF., where Alexis’s housecleaning is interrupted by a visit from Gretchen. After entering, they hug and Gretchen tells Alexis she’s just come from a business meeting. Alexis has invited her over to critique her Fox 5 gig. Gretchen then nonchalantly mentions that she was asked to do the Fox 5 job before Alexis. You can feel the air in the room change and get thick. Alexis’s face freezes and she’s speechless. She asks us, “Who says that?” And… she has a point.

SACRIFICING FOR YOUR SINS

Russell Brand Testifies ‘Love & Compassion’ Best Treatment For Drug Addiction

By Elizabeth C.

ADORNING A PLETHORA OF CROSSES AROUND HIS NECK, AND wearing his dark hair and beard in his best hipster Jesus fashion, Russell Brand appeared on Britain’s figurative mount today to eloquently plead for a new approach to treating drug addicts.

THAT’S SO ’70S SHOW

Credit: TMZ/NPG

Friends With Benies? Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher Spotted Jaunting Together

By Linda Seccaspina

I KNOW FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS LINE DANCE, BUT DO THEY TAKE WEEKEND TRIPS TOGETHER TO THE BEACH?

After Mila Kunis denied that she and Ashton Kutcher were nothing but good friends last week, the two were snapped buying flowers and sipping Starbucks together.

LOSING APPETITES

Cattle Futures Dip After Dairy Cow Tests Positive For Mad Cow Disease

By Elizabeth C.

A DAIRY COW TESTED POSITIVE FOR MAD COW DISEASE AT A California rendering facility, the fourth confirmed case of the brain-wasting disease in U.S. cattle since 2003.

Upon release of the news, cattle futures for June delivery fell 2.6 percent on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, the lowest level since last July 1.