CRASS ACT

Credit: Mirror

Christina Aguilera Goes Burlesque At Etta James’ Funeral

By Linda Seccaspina

THE LATE ETTA JAMES WAS HONORED WITH A ROUSING FUNERAL Saturday at the Greater Bethany Community Church City of Refuge in Gardena, Calif.

Instead of Beyonce — who portrayed James’ in the movie Cadillac Records — Christina Aguilera was chosen to sing Etta’s famous song At Last.

HEARTBREAKING

Soap Actor Kills Self On Birthday After Euthanizing Beloved Dog

By Elizabeth C.

HEARTBROKEN AFTER EUTHANIZING his beloved healthy 5-year-old pit bull, sometime-soap actor Nick Santino killed himself on his 47th birthday.

Santino was found dead Wednesday in his condominium at One One Lincoln Plaza after taking an overdose of pills, one week the day after he put his dog to sleep, according to reports. A suicide note was found with him.

TAKE THE DAY OFF

Credit: Paramount

Bueller? Bueller? Honda?

By Kenny Sibbitt

COULD MATTHEW BRODERICK BE REPRISING HIS ROLE AS Ferris Bueller in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Broderick’s not talking, but a video leaked on to YouTube raises the question.

SPICY

Credit: TMZ

Was Demi Moore Smoking Synthetic Pot When She Seized?

By Linda Seccaspina

LATE MONDAY SOMEONE CALLED 911 FOR DEMI MOORE BECAUSE SHE REPORTEDLY INHALED TOO MUCH NITRO-OXIDE.

Nitro what?

Then the story changed today on TMZ and read: “She smoked something…not marijuana but it’s similar to incense.”

Excuse me? Get your derrieres out of your heads, people! Demi probably smoked the new synthetic pot called “Spice.”

COME OUT AND PLAY

Credit: Kelsely W./Vimeo

Barney’s Dog Day Afternoon

MUSIC PRODUCER AND WEB DESIGNER KELSEY WYNN ”GOT AN ITCH” TO TRY OUT A GOPRO CAMERA, so he snared a few off Craigslist then attached them to the harness on a Great Dane named Barney. The result is a pleasing visual romp from a dog’s eye perspective. Woof.

Via Gizmodo.

ISN’T SHE SPECIAL

Credit: Business Insider

More Proof (Wink) Blue Ivy’s The Illuminati: Oprah’s Her God Mom

By Linda Seccaspina

WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT THE DIVINE OPRAH has reportedly been chosen to be the godmother of Beyonce and Jay-Z’s bundle of joy, baby Blue Ivy Carter. Who knew that the power couple was that close to her? Oh, that’s right: the Illuminati is supposed to be a secret.

Update: Oprah’s BFF swears her benefactor isn’t Blue Ivy’s god mom.

WE’RE GOING IN

Jersey Shore: Mission Vinny

By Karen Malmquist

THERE’S STILL A CLOUD OF SADNESS LOOMING OVER THE JERSEY SHORE HOUSE, but with the help of some strippers and wheelchairs (yes, wheelchairs), things may be looking up for our favorite club rats.

SOMETHING’S SPINNING

Credit: WarmingGlow.com

Pat Sajak & Vanna White Taped ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ Smashed

YESTERDAY WE LEARNED ABOUT DICK JOKES on Family Feud. Today it’s time to hear about the boozy lunches that led to Pat Sajak and everybody’s favorite letter-turner Vanna White hosting Wheel of Fortune while sauced.

MAKE IT WORK

Tim Gunn’s Admission: A Cry For Help?

I WAS ALL LIKE STFU! AFTER TIM GUNN CONFESSED he’s been fallow in the bedroom for 29 years. The Project Runway pacesetter epitomizes polish and charm. And he’s a bonafide celebrity after serving nine years as mentor to fashion designers on the cable series hosted by Heidi Klum. He’s even guest-starred as himself in episodes of Gossip Girl and How I Met Your Mother. On top of all that he’s trim and handsome to boot. You just know sexual opportunity knocks.

AND THE ANSWER IS…

The Best Dick Joke For Pilots Courtesy of Family Feud

HERE’S A PILOT DICK JOKE FOR ALL YOUR AIRLINE FRIENDS, compliments of Family Feud.

Contestants on an episode that aired Monday were aghast at the sixth most popular response to the question: “What might an airplane pilot be holding on a long flight?”