THE HORRORS

In Today’s Headlines: Cannibalism & Coldblooded Callousness

By Elizabeth C.

AS I SCAN THE HEADLINES TODAY, TWO stories to make you grateful for living in the relative safety of the U.S. despite current economic inequalities that spawned Occupy Wall Street.

The first story emerges from China where a horrifying video shows a two-year-old girl who wandered in a street get run over repeatedly while passersby turn their heads and ignore her bleeding body.

SPEAKING TRUTH TO POWER

U.S. Marine Puts New York Police In Their Place

By Elizabeth C.

AND TODAY WE HAVE THE FACE OF A NEW AMERICAN HERO: a U.S. Marine identified as Sergeant Shamar Thomas who during Saturday’s night Occupy Wall Street protest in New York City loudly pointed out the ridiculousness of the NYPD’s heavyhanded tactics.

DENIAL EQUAL LYING

Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: A Whirlwind Of Stupid

By Karen Malmquist

IS TERESA GUIDICE THE NEW DANIELLE STAUB?

It’s time for the claws to come out in part one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion special, and right off the bat we hear Jacqueline can’t even look at Teresa. Is that why Jacqueline isn’t there?

TARGET PRACTICE

‘Occupy’ Protesters Deposit Rage At Banks’ Doorsteps

By Elizabeth C.

OCCUPY PROTESTERS MARCHING WORLDWIDE ARE increasingly throwing their fury at banks they accuse of corporate greed.

TIDBITS

The Ins & Outs & Ups & Downs Of Some Real Housewives

By Trisha B.

BEING A REALITY TV HOUSEWIFE SEEMS LIKE THE GIFT THAT JUST KEEPS GIVING. And no, we’re not talking STDs.

ODD MAN OUT

Jersey Shore Recap: Averting An International Situation

By Karen Malmquist

THIS INTRA-ETHNIC SOCIAL EXPERIMENT HAS GONE AWRY AND IT’S CLEAR TONIGHT the Italians scorn these Jersey kids as much as they do the “she-devil” Amanda Knox.

SNOOKERED

Jersey Shore‘s Vinny (Reluctantly) Dishes On Sex With Snooki

By Karen Malmquist

“WELL, THE CAT’S OUTTA THE BAG!” as MTV’s Kenny Santucci, host of the Jersey Shore after-show said about Vinny and Snooki’s hookup on last week’s episode.

DEEP

Revenge: The Doctor Won’t See You Now

By Miz J

WE OPEN WITH EMILY AT THE SHRINK telling the totally made-up story about how she survived the horrific car accident that killed her parents. She says she”s unable to move her relationship with Daniel forward.

Dr. Banks is either next on her shit list — or a means to an end.

WHACK WEDNESDAY

Dr. Pepper’s 10 Fizzles With The Ladies, Beyonce Battles Baby Bump Conspiracy & Michelle Bachmann Is A Math Boob

By Miz J

AS A WOMAN I UNDERSTAND THAT I’M NOT SUPPOSED to find funny the ad for Dr. Pepper 10, the new “manly” diet version of the original. But here I am, laughing my ass off. Especially part where the guy’s all “CATCHPHRASE!”

The commercial spoofs the action shoot-em-up flicks that men force girlfriends and wives to endure and sells “10” as what real he-men want to drink.

SARA ‘BEFORE’ AND ‘AFTER’

The ‘Receptionist’: Sara Leal Welcomes Ashton Kutcher’s Raw Dog

By Elizabeth C.

WE’RE GUESSING SARA LEWD GOT HER PRICE ‘CAUSE SHE SPILLING TO US about her extramarital romp with Ashton. Except we’re pretty sure we should take it with a grain of salty since the girl who texted “I fucked Ashton Kutcher lol” shortly after getting her phone back from his security now claims she was “seduced.”