SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW

For Playing Hide & Peek, Try A Merkin

By Avoine Sauvage

I‘M LIVING IN CALIFORNIA AT THE MOMENT. I’m staying with my uncle, a temporary arrangement in a sort of clichéd “I’ve graduated from college, at my quarter-life, and I see it fit to try to find myself” quest.

I decided to grow out all my body hair, legs, underarms, and — yes — pubes, as a sort-of test of character.

Can I withstand it?

I’ll tell you: I’m ready to cave. The armpits are no big deal. I can keep that up. The leg hair is annoying when it rubs up against the sheets. I feel like I’m going to start a fire, but I can deal. But the pubes…oh Lord.

It’s itchy; I find myself adjusting myself like a grunting macho weightlifter at the gym; I’ve resorted to going commando. Yeah, I think I’m going to cave.

On my way out here to California, I stopped in Fort Collins, Colorado. I met a new friend, and he took me to lunch the next day before I continued on to Salt Lake City. Somewhere between the burritos and the beer, he told me about his friend’s guinea pig named “Merkin.”

Merkins — my new friend told me — are pubic hair wigs.

PERSPECTIVE

The Long View From Dubai

By Elizabeth C.

FILMMAKER PHILLIP BLOOM posted on Vimeo this timelapsed film that he recently shot in Dubai over five days and nights. Much of it was shot from inside the Atlantis Hotel on the Palm Jumeirah.

The photography is striking and evocative and unsettling. And it reveals in flashes what so many of us shut our eyes to every day: we’re all just specks of dust. Specks with souls, mind you, but specks nonetheless.

There are things bigger than us humans. Time, for one.

Bloom dedicates his beautiful film to the daughter of a friend who died recently “at a tragically young age.” I can’t help thinking: Don’t we all?

EEKING OUT FABULOSITY

Some Real Housewives Appear Desperate For Cash

By Sexy Chatty Catty

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES SEEM TO BE TURNING DESPERATE.

Atlanta’s Kim Zolciak has opened an eBay store she’s calling Kim Z Couture Closet.

The shop’s header features photos of Kim with the blingingest diamond-studded logo you’ve ever seen. For a mere $5K you can place your opening bid on Dolce & Gabana black dress detailed with diamonds. Or opt for a never-worn pink Christian Dior gown that is exactly like the one Cameron Diaz wore to the Academy Awards.

BUTT OUT

Smoke Free Movies Is Missing The Big Picture

By Calhoun Kersten

AVATAR IS BREAKING BOX OFFICE RECORDS and receiving critical acclaim as it cleans in the early awards season. But with success comes controversy. While many people are debating the movie’s “real” message — is it racist? against religion? pro-socialist? — the anti-smoking lobby fumes about Sigourney Weaver’s character’s nasty little habit.

Contending that onscreen smoking negatively influences children, the organization Smoke Free Movies bought two full-page ads in Variety and The Hollywood Reporter excoriating the industry for giving the tobacco industry free advertising in James Cameron’s blockbuster.

The group contends on its website that that “390,000 kids recruited to smoke each year by the smoking they see on screen are worth $4 billion in lifetime sales to the tobacco companies.”

While I’m not a smoker and am no fan of the habit, my personal opinion is smoking can serve a very direct purpose in a movie.

What if smoking is crucial to a story’s character? What if the cancer sticks are integral to a film’s period?

THE GREATEST SHOW ON ICE

It’s Official: Johnny Weir’s A Little Monster

By Elizabeth C.

OOOH LOOKIE! REALITY TV STAR AND SKATING CHAMP JOHNNY WEIRD is one of Lady Gaga’s little monsters.

Actually, it’s Weir, but you just know he’s spent his whole life with that ‘d’ appendage. Maybe that’s why he identifies with the Lady G, who is rumored to have an extra accessory of her own. The Olympic skater even sat next to Stefani’s mom at a recent concert in New York City.

Chalk up another gay for GaGa, despite what Johnny will or won’t say.

But he doesn’t have to say much when Be Good Johnny Weir, airing Mondays at 10:30pm (Eastern) on Sundance, shows the skating queen bubble-bathing and lolling in bed with his ”best friend” Paris.

WORSE THAN THE TRUTH

Virtual Game Turns Celebrities’ Adopted Children Into Fashion Accessories

By Elizabeth C.

A BRITISH ONLINE GAME MAKES AN UGLY JOKE OUT OF THIRD-WORLD ADOPTEES becoming de rigueur accessories for “wannabe style mavens.”

At the virtual playground My-Minx.com, players can adopt children fashioned after the children of Madonna, Angelina Jolie and actor Ewan McGregor.

Players can choose from Maddox, 3, who eats cockroaches, Pax, 5, who loves Vietnamese noodles, Zahara, 4, who enjoys “guinea pig.”

Another ”adoptee,” named after McGregor’s daughter Jamiyan, enjoys eating rats.

Once purchased, players can dress their orphans in designer duds and try selling their pictures to celebrity magazines.

UH-OH

In Memoriam: Creator Of Campbell’s Spaghetti-Os Has Died

By Elizabeth C.

I CAN’T LET Donald Goerke pass on to that great kitchen in the sky without thanking him for his starchy staple to America’s pwt diet, Spaghetti-Os.

KHARMIC BOOMERANG

Jennifer Aniston Gets Last Laugh As Tables Turn On Brangelina

By Elizabeth C.

THE LONG NIGHTMARE IS OVER FOR MISS LONELYHEARTS: The she-wolf that stole her husband is getting her comeuppance.

The world trembles that the singular Brangelina is once again merely “Brad” and “Angie,” as speculation boils that the beauteous twosome is kaput.

And in an instant the the question becomes : Will Jennifer Aniston and Brad get back together?

It’s too soon to predict, and our money is on ‘no.’ But what a satisfying twist to a torrid love story that began when Pitt and Jolie hooked up while starring opposite each other in the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

“

And in an instant the question becomes: Will Jennifer Aniston and Brad get back together?

”

Shortly after the film role, Pitt divorced Jennifer, dubbed “America’s sweetheart,” and took up with the hypnotically dangerous Angelina, the girl who purportedly French-kissed her brother and wore vials of blood around her neck.

BREAKING DRAMEDY

Brangelina Interrupted? Team Aniston Rises From The Dead

By Elizabeth C.

GAWKER PREDICTED THE END OF THE WORLD, TMZ LURED FANS FROM THE LEDGE, AND Perez Hilton drank the Kool-Aid served up by the couple’s flacks.

Gossip’s snipes pounced quickly after Britain’s News Of The World reported that Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie were uncoupling while continuing to share custody of their six kids. The report comes just days after the National Enquirer claimed the couple had a public fight at a New York restaurant during which Brad pleaded with Angie to get mental help.

The lives of Mr. & Mrs. A-List have been rapturously entwined ever since 2004 when the couple met while playing sparring spouses. Shortly afterward, Brad left wife Jennifer Aniston and took up with the sexy homewrecker, forcing Hollywood watchers to declare allegiance to Team Jennifer Or Team Angie. Over at The Hollywood Gossip, a whopping 81 percent of voters were on Jen’s side.

On Sunday, the Internet was alight with comments folks who more ore less either:

1) Were glad that ho Angie was getting her kharmic payback, or

2) Praying that Brad ended back in the arms of his ex-wife, or

3) Keeping fingers crossed that Brad never, ever went back with that self-absorbed sad-sack Jennifer, or

4) Thought critics were just jealous of the undying love Brad and Angie will share eternally .

With the legal papers allegedly already signed, it shouldn’t be long before the world knows the truth: fairy tales are just that.

MOMMY’S BOY

Frank “The Entertainer” Woos Girls In His Mother’s Basement

By Sexy Chatty Catty

SINCE I DIDN’T HAVE ANY CHEESE IN THE HOUSE, I tuned in to the third installment of Frank the Entertainer… In A Basement Affair, a new VH1 show.

Frank Maresca, fairly handsome and dimpled, was a finalist on the second season of I Love New York. His claim to fame was giving New York’s toes a sucking that, I guess, blew her mind.

Then the parents arrived. I don’t remember the details of the confrontation but I’m sure it was ugly.