YOU DECIDE

What’s Your Pleasure Principle: Now Or Later? A Study That Purports To Answer That

By Elizabeth C.

I CONFESS: I’VE LIVED IN CHICAGO FOR 16 YEARS AND HAVE NEVER BEEN TO THE TOP OF THE SEARS TOWER.

I’ve waited so long to visit this local landmark that its name has changed.

Thank God, too, because without this anecdote I wouldn’t be able to relate at all to a New York Times’ piece about “seizing today… tomorrow.”

Journalist John Tierney explores a recent study on the “procrastination of enjoyable experiences” by two California marketing academics.

Their conclusion? People defer positive experiences because of the false expectation that they’ll have more time in the future. And, for some, the prospect of future joy is more rewarding than the actual reward itself.

“People can become overly focused on an ideal,” UCLA’s Dr. Suzanne B. Shu told the Times.

COUNTDOWN TO NOSTALGIA

Remembrance Of Things Past: The Decade’s Greatest Overlooked Movies

By Calhoun Kersten

TWO THINGS USHER EVERY YEAR TO A CLOSE: De rigueur “lists” and twinges over what might have been. HERE’S MY MASHUP OF THE TWO: The top overlooked film gems of the 2000s.

2000: Wonder Boys
This coming-of-age tale showcases excellent performances from Michael Douglas, Robert Downey, Jr. and then-newcomer Tobey Maguire. The film feels like a good book; totally satisfying and yet you’re sad to see the characters go when it’s over.

2001: Sexy Beast

This heist film is more of a character piece on a retired criminal who’s dragged back into the game. Sir Ben Kingsley performance alone makes this film worth watching, but all performers in this film are phenomenal.

2002: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

George Clooney’s directorial debut didn’t receive much fanfare at the time, but this darkly comedic “biopic” of game show host Chuck Barris hosts a star-studded cast and plenty of laughs and intrigue along the way.

2003: Love Me if You Dare

This French film, starring Oscar winner Marion Cotillard, tells the story of a boy and a girl and the games they play with each other’s hearts. This film may sound like a cliché but the surreal style bats it out of the park.

LOVE MATCH?

Are Tiger Woods & Rachel Uchitel Destined For Each Other? Let’s Ask The Stars

By Elizabeth C.

WITH RUMOR THE INTERNET’S PREFERRED CURRENCY, IT HARDLY SEEMS TO MATTER WHAT’S TRUE OR NOT ABOUT TIGER AND HIS NO. 1 GAL PAL, Rachel Uchitel.

Tiger may or may not be sailing in the Bahamas with buddies. Or holding hands with Rachel in West Palm, Fla. Or seeking plastic surgery in Arizona to fix those gashes to his face from a golf club. Or possibly in deep, intensive marital therapy.

Or maybe it’s all a bunch of horse shit. And/or he wants out, wants to be with his love, the woman he “connects” with.

Until the divorce papers are filed, and the pictures are snapped, we won’t know if the future holds the “Mrs. Woods” title for Uchitel.

BUT. THERE. IS. ANOTHER. WAY! We can see what the stars ordain!

Don’t laugh! Oh, wait a minute, this is info-tainment! Have yourself a guffaw! And check out what the instantaneous compatibility reading at CafeAstrology has to say about a Tiger/Rachel matchup.

SUN CONJUNCT MARS

Pure sexual attraction will unite the couple. They will have an ideal partner. They will be energetic, full of life and can undertake things together on the professional level or travel together on adventurous, unpredictable journeys. They respect each other’s goals and drives, and don’t stand in the way of their attempts to achieve their goals. Their body rhythms match well, and they share a basic physical bond that is hard to break.

MERCURY SQUARE VENUS

Their relationship will sometimes be agreeable, sometimes disturbed. They will like to share their ideas which are not always to the other’s taste, so that they may have interminable discussions in order to convince each other of their mistakes, lack of judgement or lack of taste. (Hmmm. Reminds me of Tiger’s alleged text messages to her!)

SUN SQUARE PLUTO

A great physical attraction will unite the couple, but this relationship is unlikely to be entirely healthy.

MISOGYNIST

Charlie Sheen: Poster Boy For “Stars Behaving Badly” Hall Of Fame

By Calhoun Kersten

CHARLIE SHEEN’S GOT A RAP SHEET LONG ENOUGH FOR Two and a Half Men.

The Golden Globe winner faces a new round of charges alleging domestic violence after his third wife alleged he held her down and threatened her with a knife, news reports say. Radaronline.com claims the fight broke out after Brooke Mueller told her husband she wanted a divorce.

Mueller claims TV’s highest paid actor held her down on a bed and said, “You better be in fear. If you tell anybody, I’ll kill you,” according to Aspen police.

SCANDALOUS

Reprieve For Tiger Woods As Faked Photo Reminds He’s Got Company

By Elizabeth C.

THE PHOTO’S ALREADY BEEN REVEALED A FRAUD. BUT THE SNAP ALLEGED TO SHOW JOHN F. KENNEDY JR. carousing aboard a ship with naked women offers reprieve to Tiger Woods, and offers further proof that powerful men share a common pursuit.

You can come out of hiding, Tiger! The coast is clear! Elin’s in Sweden and you’re no longer danger of swinging golf clubs!

TMZ’s false report (and the subsequent false reporting here and all over the web) reminds us that Tiger’s womanizing is nothing new in the annals of powerful men.

TERROR ON THE TARMAC

Ivana Gets Unruly, Trumped On The Tarmac

By Elizabeth C.

WE IMAGINE THAT SHE’S GENERALLY INSUFFERABLE, BUT our hearts go out to Ivana Trump this morning.

Firstly, for having the misfortune of aging so painfully and obviously on camera. (God damn that haughty Melania with her ridiculous faux-royal website.)

But we also feel bad for the rich hotelier for having the bad luck of being tossed off a Delta flight enroute to New York from Palm Springs after becoming enraged when unruly children ran through first class. After all, we’re guessing she dropped at least $1,000 for that ticket and hasn’t been around shrieking tiny tots in awhile.

While the regurgitated stories around the web make Ivana sound like a sourpuss, if you dig deeper you’ll find a groundswell of sympathy for her on the comment boards. Here’s a sampling:

STAGGERING DESCENTS

The Decade’s Top 10 Celebrity Falls From Grace

By Neil Bulson

AMERICANS ARE ADDICTED TO CELEBRITIES. We love them. But what we love even more than celebrities is tearing them down and destroying them and watching them squirm under the harsh light of fame.

We lap that stuff up and when we are done gnawing on their bones, we move on to the next victim. This decade has seen its fair share of melt-downs, racist rants, obscene whoring and just plain incompetence.

Lives have been ruined, careers have been lost, and in some cases, people have actually died. And it is with that in mind that we here at Heavy bring you the top 10 celebrity falls from grace of the decade.

10. Chris Brown — How do you derail a promising music career that has people calling you the next Michael Jackson? Easy. You beat down your hot, famous girlfriend and then spend the ensuing weeks and months giving half-assed apologies that no one buys. Seriously, come on dude. Even OJ probably thinks you went a little too far. I mean, it’s bad enough to slap a girl around but there were reports that Brown actually bit Rihanna. How out of your own head do you have to be for that to happen? At this point, I’m surprised they don’t wheel Brown out in a straight jacket wearing one of those Hannibal Lecter masks every time he needs to make a public appearance.

9. Amy Winehouse — Believe it or not, there was a brief window where Amy Winehouse was actually a respected musician and not a cracked out shell of a human being. As meltdowns go, hers was quick and spectacular. A taste of success is enough to drive even the most stable people mad, and when you combine that with the taste of the crack pipe, you’re pretty much guaranteed to find yourself on the cover of every magazine looking like a junky, zombified version of Marilyn Manson.

8. Phil Spector — Sure, everyone knew for years that Spector, the revolutionary pop music producer, was a bit of an eccentric. But being an eccentric is one thing. People can overlook that, especially when you are hailed as a genius. But people tend to frown on it when you straight up kill someone. Indeed. It’s a little hard to come back from that sort of thing. One day you’re known for the Wall of Sound, the next day you’re known for the sound of some poor lady’s brains hitting the wall.

7. Tom Cruise— Apparently, at some point this decade, Cruise became tired of being a mere celebrity and decided to try his hand at being insane. Everyone remembers Cruise couch surfing and scaring the holy hell out of Oprah, and then accosting Matt Lauer for not understanding the evils of psychiatry. It was a hell of a coming out party, and though things have quieted down a bit for Cruise in the last couple of years, the damage has already been done. I can just about guarantee you that the next time you are in a movie theater and a trailer for a film starring Cruise comes on that half the audience will laugh.

6. Mel Gibson — Once upon a time, Mel Gibson was one of the biggest movie stars in the world. And then he decided to make a little movie about the last days of Jesus, and, well, things kind of changed for Mad Max. Of course, it didn’t help that Gibson found himself battling accusations that his film blamed the Jews for Jesus’ death. That will tend to put a damper on things. So will getting busted for a DUI, calling a female cop Sugartits and then divorcing your wife and knocking up your new Russian girlfriend.

Read the Top 10 Internet Memes Of The Decade.

Read the Top 10 Game-Changing Hip Hop Events Of The Decade.

PRESENTING

On Christmas Day, A Myriad Of Choices At The Multiplex

By Calhoun Kersten

THE NEW YORK TIMES’ PUT IT SUCCINCTLY:

“Friday is expected to be a mob scene at the multiplex.”

This Christmas Day debuts some of the most touted offerings of the upcoming movie awards season.

From the anticipated spectacle that is Nine, to the understated Up in the Air, to the nails-on-chalkboard shrieks of Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, today’s releases promise something for everyone.

Nine’s star-studded cast includes Daniel Day-Lewis, Nicole Kidman, and Kate Hudson. Director Rob Marshall’s musical adaptation of Fellini’s 8½
, conceptually based on “an inside look at the movie world,” is not exactly fresh.

CHEAP THRILL

News ‘Flash’: Tinsel Sales Sparkle During Grim Financial Year

By Elizabeth C.

MY PERSONAL MOTTO IS ”Everything Goes Better With Glitter.” Weird but true.

I have seen how tiny shards of color sprinkled over the grimmest day can making everything all sparkly and beautiful.

So perhaps I was among the few not surprised to read that tinsel sales are way up this year, according to the Wall Street Journal.

The story is filled with nonessential facts like tinsel “works on all 35 different species of Christmas trees.” And a Philadelphia manufacturer was once known as the “The King of Tinsel.” And the word tinsel derives from the French word estincele, meaning sparkle. Fun empty facts.

As a former journalist, I should probably look askanced at the Journal spending precious reporting hours on such filler. But, hey, it’s a new day. No one cares anymore about making things better! No one has any hope for change! Let’s just throw a party! I’ll provide the tinsel!

It’s practically a metaphor for America: cheap, shiny and sticks to everything.

SHATTERED ILLUSIONS

Is Nothing Sacred? Reality TV Star Defiles Birthplace of A Christmas Story

By Bob Bounce

IT IS PERFECTION. A movie for the ages. Truly.

What other movie plays 24 hours a day every year? What other movie ever has? What other movie ever could?

A Christmas Story is simple and pure and takes us back to childhood — not our childhood — but somebody else’s. A childhood better than our own; of home and warmth and dreams fulfilled.

Of Ralphie.

Then here come Mephistopheles to ruin it all.

Former reality TV star Billy Jeffrey won the right to sleep in Ralphie’s house.

Who? OK, “star” may be a stretch. He was on ABC’s True Beauty a year ago. Nobody watched and he didn’t win. If you eat something disagreeable over the holidays and need to puke it up, Billy has a MySpace page. There, he brags about his current career path — touring Germany as a Chippendales dancer.