SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL ARTIST

Sick Of Corporate Commercialism? Go “Renegade” This Holiday

By Elizabeth C.

YOU REMEMBER THOSE HOKEY CHRISTMAS BAZAARS YOU ATTENDED AS A KID?

All that bric-a-brac made by the church ladies, those homemade baked goodies, the kitschy Christmas ornaments. God, I miss them.

But I found another way to get my fix for handcrafted gifts while supporting the arts: The Renegade Holiday Craft Fair in Chicago.

This year’s event happens next Saturday and Sunday, Dec. 5th & 6th, at the Pulaski Park Fieldhouse in Wicker Park and comes one week after a similar “hippy-hipster wet dream.”

Stop by and check out the creations of more than 150 artisans. Admission is free. And if you spend your hardearned dollars, you’ll feel good about them going to real artisans rather than the inevitable Chinese factory workers making pennies from the profits!

Go Renegade!

CRASHING THE PARTY

Michaele & Tareq Salahi: The Real Whores Of Washington, D.C.

By Sexy Chatty Catty

MICHAELE AND TAREQ SALAHI CANCELLED THEIR INTERVIEW WITH LARRY KING LIVE, apparently holding out for money like the sucking vultures that they are.

Aren’t they the living example of the real Real Housewives of Any County U.S.A.? The fact that most of them are poseurs? Just some nouveau riche who use profanity in public, flaunt their many shoes and handbags and never neglect to tell you how much their yacht cost?

We were promised the lives of socialites when the series was first buzzed about. Real ladies who lunch exposing their inner lives. That faded fast as we saw that all we were exposed to were price tags and boob jobs of people we’d never heard of.

The Salahis have taken the famewhore game to a whole ‘nother level though. Their situation is both scary (how do you get that close to the president uninvited) and awesome (they got to meet the president!).

IF THE SHOE FITS

Who Can Resist Susan Boyle’s Cinderella Story?

By Elizabeth C.

THE SAUCY WENCH IS SHOWING THEM, THE DOUBTERS WHO LAUGHED AND SCOFFED as she sashayed across Britain’s Got Talent stage.

Susan Boyle dared to dream the dream and …whatyda know? It came true.

Her debut album has entered the UK charts at number one, becoming the fastest selling album of the year. By selling 500,000 copies, the release becomes the biggest debut album in the country’s chart history.

The milestone comes a mere seven months after the Scottish spinster became an overnight sensation after singing Les Miserables’ I’ve Dreamed A Dream on the British talent show. Her performance brought tears to the eyes of even the most jaded observers as she sung with a spirit and romance that belied her dowdy image.

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES

Trading In Our Childhoods For Shopping By The Bulk

By Bob Bounce

NOTHING LEFT BUT THE RACKS AT KIDDIELAND now that all the rides have been auctioned away.

Bumper cars: $17,000…SOLD!

Little Dipper rollercoaster: $33,000… SOLD!

The Carousel: $355,000…SOLD!

FLEX YOUR MUSCLE

When Police Come A Rappin’, Tiger Cops To Napping

By Bob Bounce

HERE’S ALL WE REALLY KNOW, COMPLIMENTS OF THE FLORIDA HIGHWAY PATROL: Tiger Woods took off in his car around 2 am the day after Thanksgiving, plowed into a fire hydrant and slammed into the neighbor’s tree.

And that’s it. But the gossip sites are on fire. In their frenzy, everybody’s overlooking the best part.

As the Orlando Sentinel reported Saturday morning —

“Troopers from the FHP, which is investigating the crash, visited Woods’ $2.4 million mansion Friday evening. Elin Nordegren Woods told troopers her husband was sleeping and asked that they return this morning.”

Now the Washington Postreports police were turned away again, later in the day on Saturday, this time by Tiger’s agent.

So let me see if I have this straight. The next time the po-po comes a knockin’, all I need to do is have somebody answer the door and tell them I’m in the middle of my nap? Wow! Who knew?

LOSING HIS RELIGION

Woods’ Smites Wife, Minister Of The Church of Tiger

By Elizabeth C.

RUMOR THAT TIGER WOODS WAS GETTIN’ SOMETHIN’ SOMETHIN’ from a New York party girl has not only inspired wife Elin to practice her golf swing but also threatens to tear asunder the First Church of Tiger Woods.

Founded by former talk show host and scratch golfer John Ziegler, the online ministry of Tiger love routinely praises golf’s messiah and bears witness to his “divinity.”

But doubt now rocks the foundation of this one-man church as gossip swirls that Tiger’s been hunting outside his territory.

Things aren’t adding up in the accidental story that took place outside Tiger’s Florida mansion early Friday. What first was waved off as an accident now looks more like a fight between Tiger and his wife just days after the National Enquirer reported an alleged tryst with Rachel Uchitel.

Seems that both Elin and Ziegler’s faith in Tiger has been shaken.

IN YOUR FACE

Enjoying The ‘Glambert’ Spectacle With The Mute Button On

By Calhoun Kersten

ADAM LAMBERT FOUND A DARING WAY TO UP THE ANTE at the 2009 American Music Awards. Crotch shots and the men who love them aren’t high on the list of concerns of the FCC, despite Lambert’s simulated blow job being censored from the West Coast broadcast.

Amid the controversy, people forget this show’s supposed to be about the music. And Adam Lambert fails as a musician. From a technical standpoint, the instruments frequently drown out his voice. And when they don’t, I find myself wishing they would.

But “Glambert” captivates because he’s a spectacle, which gratefully distracts from his screechy vocals. And now he’s proven his worth as entertainer — and political provocateur.

WARPED

Vince Vaughn: Time Traveler’s Crush

By Bob Bounce

VINCE VAUGHN AND KYLA WEBER SPLIT!

Well, maybe not yet. But soon. As soon as Vince curls up in his Snuggie with a cup of hot cocoa and this new book proposal floating around called A Thousand Years of Vince Vaughn.

It’s the kind of life-changing read that Vince will soon be sucked into — like quicksand — forcing him to abandon his life-plans to pursue his true destiny.

Los Angeles dog-walker Edie Cortese, 39, describes her screenplay pitch in a recent interview.

“The manuscript is a fictionalized version of what transpired over six months or so in my walking in front of Vince’s house everyday with the dogs and dreaming of him… and how I could meet him… and get his attention and hang.”

Right there — very difficult for Vince to resist Edie Cortese. But then: the love dart.

TALKING TURKEY

Happy Turkey Day

By Staff

IN KITCHENS AROUND THE COUNTRY, THE TALK IS ABOUT THE BIRD.

Washing it, prepping it, cooking it, eating it. Never, at least in my experience, wearing it on the head. Is this what they mean when they say ”bird brain?”

Maybe this year will be the first time I wear the bird?

Nah. Just give me a plateful.

Wherever you are, I hope turkey day is fulfilling.

HE LIVES!

High Fidelity” />

Catch These John Cusack Movies Before The World Ends

By Marc Sakol

TOO BAD I THINK 2012 IS CRAPTASTIC PLASTIC, because John Cusack may personally be my favorite actor. I’ll see pretty much any movie as long as he’s in it.

In a way, I have a bit of a man-crush on him. It was one of the few reasons I was willing to even watch 2012. I said to myself, as I read about the absurd story, “Hey, If John Cusack’s in it — it can’t be that bad.”

I was wrong; it can and it was.

So I’ve taken it upon myself, as punishment for putting my brain through that three hour pile of awful, to educate the world.