SPECIAL HALLOWEEN EDITION

Jon Gosselin’s Apology: A Trick Or Treat?

By Elizabeth C.

JON GOSSELIN IS LIKE AN OPEN SORE THAT KEEPS on oozing.

Of course, we’re speaking of the Jon that appears in tabloids and talk shows and “intimate” webcast confessionals. That’s the only Jon I know.

I can’t say what the real man’s like behind closed doors; we have Hailey Glassman and Kate to tell us that.

And, surprise, surprise, this moy (my word for man-boy. See! You can make up words on the web!) is given toward emotional abuse and “mantrums”. (Hailey makes words up too! We have a “connection!”)

Jon’s also given to hawking T-shirts, milk shakes, not wanting to be tardy for the party, and making young girls cry.

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY TOKENISM

A Rapping Ode To The ‘Other’ Man

By Elizabeth C.

RAPPER DUECE POPPI DON’T NEED NO MO FOS TELLING HIM WHO HE CAN PLAY WITH.

Especially when his ‘white friends’ got all the good weed, drive monster trucks and do wack things in outdoor bathtubs.

But always remember this, Duece? “Friends” won’t leave you drunk and underneath a park bench. Cause cops won’t look too kindly on a brother passed out with a bottle in his hands.

LIP SMACKIN’

Go South, Young Man

Dear Avoine Sauvage

“IABSOLUTELY LOVE AND LIVE FOR GOING DOWN ON GIRLS.

In fact, I probably enjoy it more than having sex. Yet I cannot seem to find any chicks that are down with that. What am I doing wrong? Why is it so hard for me to employ my
tongue to its utmost potential? (If you have any friends who are looking for that — even if that means no
sex — I am more than willing to take that offer.” Signed, Starvin’ in the Suburbs.

Dearest
Starvin’:

Your query is troubling. Many women lament the fact that their significant others feel ambivalent or repulsed by their nether-regions. Yet we have you, a reasonable man, with the opposite problem.

Can I just say, for whatever comfort it may offer, that I totally understand the draw to cunnalingus. (I love that
word!) I’m realgood at giving, and even better at receiving. And while I probably would never turn down some sweet tongue-in’, there are lots of women who will and do.

Sadly, many — if not most — girls are terrified of their pussy. Terrified. In the 21st century, I sometimes can’t believe that such anxiety still exists, but it totally does.

We are trained to think we smell like rotting fish and taste even worse. Also, allow me to remind you of the terms used to describe penises: cock, dick, etc. Pretty non-descript, yes?

What do we women get? Beef curtains, bearded clam, ham wallet, etc.

GROSS-OLOGY

Ghoulish Food For Halloween Fun

By Elizabeth C.

ONCE A YEAR WE GIVE OURSELVES PERMISSION TO FLIRT WITH DANGER, RELEASE OUR INNER MONSTERS, AND GORGE ON GUM AND CANDY.

Thank God for Halloween!

This year’s spookfest falls on Saturday, making costume parties de rigueur along with trick-or-treating and horror movie marathons.

Because we couldn’t resist, here’s a list of the most ghoulish treats we could dig up on the web. Above is a Monster Meat Loaf, creation of Megan at Not Martha.org. We like her style and want to crash her parties!

Related: Halloween Is Killer

COMPETING WITH KNIVES

What Whine Goes With Portman? A Top Chef Recap

By Nicki R

THE CHEFS HAVE RECOVERED FROM LAST WEEK”S THE BRUTAL EXPERIENCE OF Restaurant Wars and they are ready to face another day, cook another meal and one-up each other.

For the Quickfire Challenge, guest judge Paul Bartolotta will decide which chef makes the best revision of a classic TV dinner based on a TV show.

The shows are The Sopranos, M*a*s*h, Seasame Street, Cheers, The Flintstones, Gilligan’s Island and Seinfeld.

Jen struggles with her Flinstones dish but then again she always struggles.

Mike I. has never laid eyes on a Seinfeld episode so he doesn’t know to serve boxed “cereal” or scrambled “diner food.” He serves a pretty plate that has nothing to do with the show.

Kevin and Bryan have the best dishes but Kevin wins the challenge with his Sopranos-inspired meatballs with polenta, roasted cauliflower and roasted pear dish. (Yum, pretend mobsters eat well!)

I’m certain Mike V. aches for his brother but is also glad that Bryan can’t rub the win in his face with a victory dance.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs take over Craftsteak at MGM Grand.

The surprise guest for this challenge is the beautiful and talented Natalie Portman.

Natalie says she’s a foodie, she’s adventurous and oh yeah, she’s a vegetarian.

You can hear the chefs’ hearts break.

WHY YANKS ARE DANDY

Three Simple Reasons Why Yankees Rule Over “Frillies”

By Peter Lawrence

WE HERE IN THE BIG APPLE ARE FINALLY HAPPY TO BE IN A REAL WORLD SERIES AGAIN — MEANING ONE THAT THE YANKS ARE IN.

After all, what’s a World Series without the Yankees? Heck, we’ve played in nearly half of them.

But against Philadelphia?

Only once.

In 1950.

And we beat the cream cheese out of them in a 4-0 sweep.

So how do we feel? Well, we’re not sweating too hard. Let’s break it down to the top three reasons why the Yankees are better than the “Frillies”:

TALKING SMACK

New York Post Previews Phillies-Yank Smackdown

By Elizabeth C.

BRING YOUR BANDAIDS AND YOUR WIPEES TO THE World Series opener Wednesday night ’cause New York and Philly fans are ready to rumble.

New York started it when the city’s fishwrapper lobbed the first verbal bombs in an article headlined, “Frillies are coming to town!”

It took three provocateurs posing as journalists to rattle Phillies’ fans batting cages with cliched digs about Rocky, bad fans and cheesesteaks (which they mistakenly called hoagies — a separate and distinct sandwich — unless you’re order a “cheesesteak hoagie.”) Then they insulted Philly fans’ collective fashion sense, quoting some Joe Blow who thinks Philadelphians “should try reading GQ.” Which totally blew the gasket of Philly Thug on fishwrap’s comment board.

“I just threw booze on my computer after reading this cr@p…congrats on being better dressed…you f’in kidding me…we’re taking this to the streets…too bad you’ll have blood all over your cute shirt.”

The dig to the city’s threads also ticked off PhillyPhantastico, who wrote, “We should learn how to dress by reading GQ? Are you metrosexually serious? And by the way, first thing I saw when arriving in Manhattan was an old lady urinating into a storm drain on a street (first light after Lincoln Tunnel). Nice town.”

STREET BRAWL

ALTHOUGH I’M LUCKY ENOUGH TO LIVE IN A TOWN SATURATED IN MAJOR SPORTS TEAMS (Phillies, Sixers, Flyers, Eagles), I’m a fair-weather fan.

I notice when they’re winning and ignore them when they’re not. I attended my first game at the ballpark just last year - - free tickets. And, yeah, it’s true, the game is more interesting in person, but not much.

But who can ignore the chants of “Repeat, repeat, repeat.”

This city, still on a high on last year’s Series win, is now bordering on delirium. National League champions again? It’s pretty unbelievable. Going up against the YANKEES in the World Series. Who woulda believed it? Everybody seems to be in red, whether it’s Phillies gear or not.

My bosses first question at our weekly Tuesday morning meeting yesterday? — “Who here is a Yankees fan?” One knucklehead raises his hand but he just likes attention.

There are fan Facebook fights. The politicians are betting cheesesteaks against cheesecake. Stores are popping up in previously empty storefronts selling everything Phillies. Modell’s and Forman Mills are making a killing.

The front page of yesterday’s New York Post shows a Phillie in a skirt and calls them Frillies. How rude.

Did Barack Obama Help Break Another Racial Barrier?

By Natalie Melendez

JUST AHEAD OF THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON, MATTEL HAS LAUNCHED ITS NEWEST LINE OF SO IN STYLE BARBIES, also known as the ‘Black Barbie.’

I’m not talking about the the Black Barbie I grew up with that was the standard Nordic-featured Barbie dyed brown.

So In Style Barbie has darker skin, and fuller nose and lips, according to Stacey McBride, the doll’s designer. In other words, this stylin’ sister actually looks African Americans.

“They look like people where we live,” said Nikki Wright, 12, of East Harlem.

That’s the point, according to the doll’s designer. “I want them to see themselves within these dolls, and let them know that black is beautiful,” McBride told the Associated Press.

The So In Style line features Barbie and friends Grace, Trichelle and Kara (who rocks a silver bling-bling chain as part of her attire).

In order to promote a mentoring theme, each doll is accompanied by a little sister doll who shares her interests, hence the clever acronym for the line, “S.I.S.”

While the new dolls don’t please all of the people, the most appropriate response to Mattel’s new line is — it’s about fucking time!

It’s taken Mattel 50 years after the birth of Barbie to launch its first line of Black dolls, excluding Christie, the white-washed African American counterpart to Barbie or Mattel’s ill-fated collaboration with Nabisco, the Oreo Fun Barbie. (Pulled from shelves for obvious reasons.)

SCARY STUFF

10 Essential Tips For Surviving Halloween Movie Night

By Nicki R

TOO AFRAID TO VENTURE OUT ON HALLOWEEN? Stay in for scary fun: host a Halloween TV night.

SyFy is running a Ghost Hunters marathon from 9am to 3am.

Or watch old school horror movies from 1930s to the 1970s on Turner Classic Movies. This year’s lineup includes Cat People at 5:30pm (Eastern), Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde at 8:30pm and The Body Snatcher at 11:15pm.

AMC is my go-to channel during the Halloween season, whose offerings range from modern classic to cult. This year’s lineup includes:

☠ Gene Wilder’s Young Frankenstein at 7:30am;

☠ John Carpenter’s Halloween at noon (followed by Halloween 4 and Halloween 5!);

and ☠ George Romero’s Night Of The Living Dead at 6 and 8:15pm.

For family movies, watch ABC Family, which wraps up its 13 Days of Halloween with Hocus Pocus Wednesday (Oct. 28th), Scooby Doo movies Thursday and Friday, and Batman Returns on Halloween.

And to get you in the spirit, here’s my 10 essential lessons for surviving horror movies.

10: Root for the good person. The bitch, the jerk, and everyone alike won’t make it to the end.

9: Never forget that zombies must be killed by destroying the brain; vampires are killed by decapitation, sunlight or a stake in the heart; werewolves are done in by silver bullets or killing their human self. Ghosts should be handled by priests or paranormal experts. Monsters are tricky: some may have their own special way to be killed but the generally shooting them, setting them on fire, even stabbing them until they are a pile of mush should do the trick. Burn the remains.

8: It doesn’t matter if you’re in high school, college or if you’re 50 years old. If you bully someone to the point of public humiliation, they’ll snap and get revenge on you.