FILLING THE VOID

Malawi Asks: Is Madonna A Fit Mom For Our 'Mercy?'

By Miz J

AFTER A QUICKIE DIVORCE FROM GUY RITCHIE (and a
quickie relationship with A Rod and
another one with model Jesus Luz), Madonna is apparently looking for something else to fill the hole in her soul — the chance to adopt a second child from Malawi.

VARIOUS AND SORDID

Media Voraciously Feed On ‘Wacko Jacko’ Rumor, Gossip, Tidbits

By Vegas

THE MEDIA CONTINUES ITS VORACIOUS APPETITE FOR ALL THINGS MICHAEL JACKSON. To feed the beasts, news and rumors have flown fast and furiously since Wacko Jacko left this realm. Here are 10 facts and/ or rumors in summary:

1. Michael’s beloved animal menagerie has been relocated over the past few years, with Tippi Hedren, star of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds and mother to Melanie Griffith, adopting Michael’s two tigers.

2. A supposed autopsy report, released by England’s The Sun, said that Michael’s body was in “terrible shape.” The paper reported that his body was covered in bruises, was bald and that there was nothing but pills in his stomach.

Two hours later,
TMZ reported that the autopsy information was fake. The LA County coroner’s office released a statement saying: “The report that is being published did not come from this office. I don’t know where the information came from, or who that information came from. It is not accurate. Some of it is totally false.”

3. The News of the World published an alleged interview with the biological mother of Michael’s two oldest children, Debbie Rowe, claiming that Michael isn’t the father of her children. She has been quoted as saying: I was just the vessel. It wasn’t Michael’s sperm.

TICK TOCK

Celebrity Deaths Got You Scared? Use These ‘Death Calculators’ To Figure How Much Living You’ve Got Left

By Crabby Staff

NOTHING LIKE FOUR CELEBRITIES KICKING THE BUCKET IN A WEEK TO REMIND US ALL THAT OUR TIME IS FINITE.


Something about ‘celebrity’ makes us think title wearers are exempt from the regular rules of life. But when a former pinup girl dies of cancer, a prolific songster drops dead at 50, and the perpetual sidekick meets perpetuity all in the same week, well, you start looking over your shoulder for the grim reaper.

Of course we can’t really know when our number will be up, but we humans are ingenious at trying. Thus, we have a host of “death calculators” from which to figure out the number of our remaining days.

There’s the The Original Death Calculator Game which, according to the product description, “promotes successful aging by alerting you to lifestyle areas that require your attention… before it’s too late.”

We’re not sure that learning your potential expiration date is enough to convince folks to stub out the ciggies, make it to the gym and skip the donuts because death is so conceptual until it’s at your doorstep. But if the death of Wacko Jacko, once that sweet boy from The Jackson Five, caught you offguard and prompted a case of jitters, then this game might help motivate you to change your ways.

CHAPTER FOUR

Something In The Way

By Miz J

BOBBY IS CHANGING OUT OF HIS OIL-STAINED DICKIES AND into some jeans when the phone rings.

“Cyn? Honey? Can you get that?” he calls down the hallway to my always-frazzled daughter-in-law.

There's a mess of dishes in the kitchen, the baby is covered in strained carrots, and Cynthia is fielding questions from Debbie about…
well, everything. Deb's at that age now. Kindergarten. Why, why, why, she's constantly asking.

“Deb, honey, now is not the time. Let's talk about this later, okay? Can you wipe your brother's face while I get the phone?”

I see Deb give her mother a little sideways glance and I think, “Better nip that in the bud.”

CELEBRITIES ARE MORTAL, TOO

Reeling From A Week Of Celebrity Deaths

The List Grows As Pitchman Billy Mays Dies Sunday

By Vegas

THE PROBLEM WITH THE TABLOID WEEKLIES IS THEY ARE JUST SO LAST TUESDAY’S NEWS.

WHEN THEY WENT TO PRINT LAST WEEK, FARRAH FAWCETT AND MICHAEL JACKSON were still alive, and US mag’s Fashion Police were all over Michael wearing women’s clothes. And all of the tabs had stories about Farrah’s impending deathbed marriage to Ryan O’Neal.

Man, you’ve got to feel for that guy. His son’s in jail and just when his longtime paramour finally agrees to marry him, she dies of rectal cancer.

And then you have to feel bad for Farrah herself because she had, what, like eight hours in the celebrity death spotlight? And then BAM out of nowhere Michael Jackson kicks it too!

Thursday was crazy. So many emotions and so many Twittered tweets.

Preceding Thursday’s earth shattering news, on Tuesday, was that we lost the sidekick for all seasons when Ed McMahon died at the age of 86.

THE WEDDING SEASON

Forever Seems A Long Time When Uttering “Til Death Do Us Part”

By Sophia Ulmer

I‘LL NEVER FORGET WHAT ZACH’S SISTER-IN-LAW TOLD ME after she and his brother tied the knot in Fiji last year.

“Those are some powerful words,” she said as we thumbed through photos of them reciting their vows on a beach. “You don’t realize it until you’re there, but oh my God. That is the most serious set of words you’ll ever say.”

I shrugged it off. I’m a writer; every set of words seems life changing.

Recently though, as I’m being pelted with wedding after wedding, I think I’m beginning to understand.

“Until death do us part?” Shit! Goddamn! WOW.

For the most serious set of words you’ll ever say, you’d think more couples would opt out of the stock option. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, blah blah blah. Until death do us part…

Alternately, at a friend’s May wedding, the bride and groom said: “…for all the days of my life,” which sounded far less morbid and infinitely more celebratory.

SPECTACULARLY BAD

Expect Little From Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen And Go Home Satisfied

By Marc Sakol

REMEMBER EPISODE ONE OF THE ORIGINAL TRANSFORMERS cartoon? It had poor animation, lousy sound, and shoddy voicework: two of the three reasons why Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is bad.

South Park’s Matt Stone and Trey Parker said it best: “Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?” A quick look at his Rotten Tomatoes profile shows that he currently scores a 7% (out of 100%). That’s damn awful.

SUSPICIOUS MINDS

JACKSON FAMILY ATTORNEY SAYS HE ‘WARNED’ OF MICHAEL’S ‘OVERMEDICATION’

By Elizabeth C.

BRIAN OXMAN, A JACKSON FAMILY ATTORNEY, TOLD CBS News that he had warned family members that Michael was “overmedicated,” and that he would speak out if a drug overdose was the cause of death.

“I have warned that one day Michael Jackson would wake up dead, and that I would not be silent if that was the case because of the misuse of medications,” Oxman told Harry Smith. “I have made that statement to family members and I told them I would not be still.”

Oxman then said he didn’t want to “speculate” until the autopsy is complete, but that he had been suspicious of the pop star’s prescription drug use for some time.

“I have warned of the use of prescription medications, and people who have enabled the use of prescription medications. If Jackson’s cause of death is “as I fear, I am going to be very vocal,” he warned.

He said that after Anna Nicole “passed away, I said one day if have this kind of a circumstance, and we too have to face this kind of tragedy, I would not be silent.”

THE LOW LIFE

Bret's Love 'Bus' Rolls Into Windy City's Armpit (That Would Be Hammond, Indiana)

By Miz J

IGOT THE BIGGEST KICK OUT OF ROCK OF LOVE BUS tonight because the roaming skank mobiles were headed to my toddlin' town.

“Off to Chicago!” the postcard from Bret (I know, I didn’t think he could read or write, either!) announced.

Of course, we see the road signs and maps that point to the Windy City, but then we see them pull up to the Horseshoe Casino. My brother, in town visiting, did one of those head-cocked-to-the-side things and looked up for an answer, as there are currently no casinos in the city.

We arrived at the same conclusion: they’re actually in HAMMOND, which is in INDIANA, which is a whole other STATE. It is NOT CHICAGO AT ALL. Probably because, as scummy as our government is here, they know that these broads are much more toxic to the public, and didn’t allow Bret’s white trash menagerie in to entertain the masses at the local ampitheaters.

Tonight’s episode revolved around the booze-soaked Horseshoe show, which the girls worked as roadies. They show up to the unfinished set in some of the skimpiest sleazewear possible. And I’m just shaking my damn head, because tits are popping out of shirts, cameras are being mooned and Penthouse Pets are busting their moneymakers on the edges of the stage.

Read the full story here.

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J

KING OF POP DEAD

MICHAEL JACKSON DIES AT 50; WORLD REACTS; DRUGS MAY BE A FACTOR

By Vegas

AFTER HOURS OF SPECULATION, THE Los Angeles Times, NBC News and other news agencies reported that King of Pop Michael Jackon has died at the age of 50.

The LA Times said he was rushed to the hospital early this afternoon suffering what was believed to be a cardiac arrest.

Brian Oxman, a Jackson family attorney,
said he had warned family members that Michael was “overmedicated” and that he would speak out if a drug overdose proved to be the cause of death.

“I have warned that one day Michael Jackson would wake up dead, and that I would not be silent if that were the case because of the misuse of medications,” Oxman told CBS News.

LA Fire Dept Capt. Steve Ruda told the paper that Jackson was not breathing when they arrived at his Holmby Hills home, and that EMT workers had tried to recuscitate him on the way to the hospital.

TMZ was the first to report that Jackson had passed away. News sources originally reported that Jackson was in a coma and that family members were rushing to his side.

The death of the musical legend — hailed for his musical genius but derided for his odd behavior — dominated news coverage Thursday afternoon.

“As someone who served as Michael Jackson’s publicist during the first child molestation incident, I must confess I am not surprised by today’s tragic news,”‘ Michael Levine told TMZ. “Michael has been on an impossibly difficult and often self-destructive journey for years. His talent was unquestionable but so too was his discomfort with the norms of the world. A human simply can not withstand this level of prolonged stress.”‘

Musical producer Quincy Jones, who worked with Jackson on a movie based on the Broadway production,f The Wiz, released a statement saying, “I’ve lost my little brother today, and part of my soul has gone with him.”

The paparazzi-owned website X17online reported that Jackson’s death is being investigated as a possible drug overdose.

Here are relevant links:

TMZ broke the news about Michael’s death and is the go-to source on the story.

The Los Angeles Times reports that Jackson was found in a coma.

X17online reports that Jackson’s death is being investigated as a possible drug overdose.

Yahoo’s The Starting Point Twitters live from outside the hospital where Jackson is taken.

Wikipedia has a comprehensive biography of Jackson’s life.

Wikipedia’s entry on The Jackson Five.

Jackson’s professional milestones are so extensive that Wikipedia also has a page detailing his records and achievements.

The original Thriller video on YouTube, which as of 6:55 p.m. June 25 Central Time had been viewed 37,086,255 times.

Julien’s Auctions has a five catalogue boxed collection of Jackson’s belongings that were scheduled to be auctioned off last April. The auction was cancelled a week before the sale was scheduled to take place.

Michael Jackson’s official website.