FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

Twitterers Mourn The Death of ‘CWalken,’ Pray For A Resurrection

By Elizabeth C.

LIKE ANY
UNEXPECTED DEATH, ‘CWalken’s
sudden demise on Twitter is evoking myriad reactions from his grief-stricken fans.

“I continue my no ice cream silent protest of the @cwalken suspension,” writes bitchmobile. “I miss ice cream. My quality of life is being affected.”

On more than 100 pages of commentary — a virtual visitor’s book at a wake, if you will — fans of the ‘CWalken’ tweeter lament in classic reactions the loss of their daily dose of droll.

There is denial: “Cwalken wasn’t real?,” asks Derek_Barnes. “I’m so sad!!!”

There is anger: “Hates that dumb skank whose investigation caused twitter to take down the cwalken tweet[s],” vents Feenomite. “I hope she gets ass herpes.” (For the record, Crabby is unclear as to the identity of “that dumb skank.”)

There is bargaining: “People, rally the troops, saddle up, do what you can,” commands BringBackCWalken.

There is depression: “After finding out the cwalken profile was fake — nothing else matters,” bemoans someonesaveus.

And, for a few, there is acceptance: “Faretheewell, @cwalken,” writes carondele. “You were a strange and entertaining read while it lasted.”

And for those who believe in miracles, Crabby reminds us that Easter approaches with its promise of resurrection: Surely ‘cwalken’ will live once again on a Saturday Night Live skit? At the very least, we can be sure we will hear from him again in book form compliments of a New York publisher.

ENTITLED

Somebody Give Gisele Lessons On What Not To Say

By Elizabeth C.

TOM BRADY’S NEW BRIDE GISELE BUNDCHEN is interviewed in the upcoming Vanity Fair during which she
reveals that she feels like her hubby’s son is her own child.

“I understand that he has a mom, and I respect that, but to me, it’s not like because somebody else delivered him, that’s not my child — I feel it is, 100 percent,” she reportedly says.

What a dotty-headed thing to say! That does not sound like respect to me.

Could she want to alienate her hubby’s ex-beau any more than she already has? She stole the prize. Now she’s claiming her son?

Now none of us will be surprised when further custody battles ensue for John, with whom the NFL quarterback had with actress Bridget Moynahan. The couple share custody of the boy conceived shortly before Moynahan and Brady broke up.

EXPECTING

A Heart Beats, A Space Grows

By MzEll

I ONLY ATE ONE PIECE OF CINNAMON TOAST, WITH SPLENDA, if that helps your mental image.

The scales at the doctor’s office are not forgiving, and I didn’t want my recently consumed breakfast to mess anything up.

With one pound gained, we, Mama, Papa, and current baby, waited for almost an hour to hear the newest one’s heartbeat. Talking with your spouse while only the quiet child is in the room is never a bad thing, but he had to leave for office hours before the doctor came in.

Of course, as is the way these things work, not two minutes later my OB walked in. She was confident of the child growing in my womb, but the anticipation as she pushed against my gooped up tummy trying to find said being is always hard.

I watched her face as she concentrated, and my boy while he listened for a sound he once made.

Finally, it was there, that fast “bum bum bum bum” that I longed for.

UNPLUGGED

The ‘CWalken’ Twitter Account Has Been Deactivated. Mosey Along Now, Nothing To See Here

By Vegas

ALAS, ‘CWALKEN’ IS DEAD.

The Internet has been all atwitter about the ironic actor’s alleged tweets on Twitter, the popular social networking site.

The post that got everyone twatting (I have been dying to use that in a sentence, thanks Stephen Colbert!) and linking back to the cwalken account was posted on March 18th:

“There’s a kid on a Pogo stick in front of my house. It’s nearly midnight so let’s assume he’s been drinking. This should end well for him.”

It certainly sounds like something Christopher Walken might say, doesn’t it? Well it’s not, and when Twitter confirmed it, it unplugged the account that had more 73,000 followers. Sorry Crabby but the “cwalken” account was an experiment set up by Deron Bauman, a member of ClusterFlock, a “group blog dedicated to pretty much everything, by people you would like to meet at a party.”

REAL TALK

Deconstructing R. Kelly’s Career

By Sophia Ulmer

Awriting professor opines: “To write well, you must be
completely obsessed with your subject.” This week, I am obsessed with R. Kelly.

Though his spotlight is dimming, I am fascinated with the progression of his career, which has spanned close to 20 years.

Exhibit A —I feel so freaky to-niiiight! Robert Kelly used to sing songs like
Sex Me, a breathy ballad from 1993 which employs phrases like “have no fear, ‘cuz ecstasy is near,” “unexpected positions, bring it on,” and “any secret fantasy?”

And that’s just in the first verse. (Hope he lasts longer in real life.)

TAKE-HOME LESSON: DON’T BEG

America Votes: Michael Sarver Packs For Home

By Nicki R

MICHAEL SARVER wasn’t too proud to beg for salvation after scoring at the bottom with Matt Giraud. Sorry Michael, begging won’t get you saved on this show.

Michael was eliminated last night and Simon wasn’t going to sugar coat it. As he sang for the option to be saved, Paula and Kara danced along and Simon and Randy talked intensely behind them.

After his performance everyone waited while the judges huddled. I was nervously
thinking they would save him to secretly spite me, but thankfully Simon told Michael he was going home.

With the judges’ save included in this season’s mix, I’m dying to see who it will be used on. With the competition down to nine people, I can guess who’s going to go home. But I haven’t a clue who’s going to win it!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. She can be reached at [email protected].

COUNTDOWN

And Then There Were 10: ‘American Idol’ Recap

Adam, Allison, Dominate On ‘Motown’ Night

By Nicki R

IIT’S MOTOWN WEEK ON American Idol and there are only ten hopeful contestants left. How did they do this with Smokey Robinson as their guide? Here’s the recap.

Matt Giraud sings Let’s Get it On. The judges thought he was over all good. Paula loved his “sexy cool vibe” and Simon states that he’s a “front runner.” I really enjoyed Matt’s performance and I don’t think he is going anywhere this week.

Kris Allen sings How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You. Kara felt like he hit his mark and did everything right. Paula felt like he was growing by the week. I thought he was good, and I would like to see what else he brings to the show in the following weeks.

TWITTER BACKLASH

Mutiny On Board! Staff Writer, Still Peeved About Ma Bell’s Break-Up, Won’t Tweet

By Sexy Chatty Catty

NO CRABBY, I WILL NOT TWITTER!

I also won’t Myspace, Facebook and I’m not LinkedIn.

For chrissakes, I’m still upset about the breakup of Ma Bell.

If I sound crochtey, I am. So many means of communication, but life has turned into just a tower of babel.

TWITTERIFIC?

Stars We Want To Twitter

By Elizabeth C.

YESTERDAY WE LOOKED AT THE TOP STARS OF TWITTER. Peeking into their worlds got us thinking about which celebrities we’d really liked to hear from. Here’s Crabby’s top 10 list of celebs we most want to tweet.

10. Steve Martin. The funny man isn’t so funny in person. I encountered him once while I worked in TV, and frankly, he was The Jerk. But everyone around him excused his behavior because he has just gone through a divorce. Still, he has a reputation as being smart, and he’s literate. Now he’s remarried, to a New Yorker writer no less, and I envy the erudite conversations the two must share over breakfast together. I bet they could spice up their marriage by competing over who could write the most amusing 140 character sentences.

9. Samuel L. Jackson. In addition to just being a bad-assed actor, Jackson’s indirect path to fame includes serving as an usher at Martin Luther King’s funeral, dabbling in the 60s’ Black Power movement, and fighting a cocaine addiction. Jackson, who shot to fame as the psychopath Jules Winnfield in Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction, is listed in the 2009 edition of The Guiness World Records as the world’s highest grossing actor, having earned $7.42 billion in 68 films. And just last month, Jackson signed a 9-picture deal with Marvel. Have I convinced you that he’s got something to say? Mr. Jackson actually has a Twit account, but hasn’t quite got the hang of it yet. Get busy, sir!

8. Pink. Born Alecia Beth Moore, this Doylestown, Pa. native writes and performs music with such emotional honesty that I imagine her crawling into a ball and crying after every performance. She’s a PETA activist, wrote a letter to Prince William complaining about his fox-hunting, and even had the courage to diss Beyonce for wearing fur. Someone so honest surely would be able to spit out truisms 140 characters at a time?

CELEBRITY IDLE

The Shiniest Stars In Twitter’s Galaxy

By Elizabeth C.

ASHTON KUTCHER FORGOT FOR A MOMENT THAT he isn’t producing Punk’d any longer and
posted a shot of his wife’s pantied derriere on Twitter. Thank you Ashton!

I’m sure both she and you are very proud. I would be too if I had that butt. (And what better time to remind the world of your love — and that rump — than on the weekend when Demi’s ex ties the knot to another dark-haired beauty. We learned this week that Bruce Willis has a “type.”)

Ashton’s prank, or pride, or generosity, or…whatever you want to call it…gives perfect entree to the subject of celebrities on Twitter, and I won’t waste my time talking down to those who need explaining what Twitter is. (Feel that tsunami sucking you inward and down?)

It’s because of this latest — and most absorbing — darling of the “social media” networks that ordinary schleps like me and you get to peek at Demi Moore’s rump.

“watching my wife steam my suit while wearing a bikini,” Kutcher writes moments before he throws up the pic. “shhh don’t tell wifey. http://twitpic.com/2bj58.

But Ashton isn’t alone among celebrities sharing their minds’
flotsam and jetsam to the masses through “tweets.”