OPRAH

Avenging Oprah’s Gonna Be Anngrrry!!!! Gonna Have to Spank Holocaust’s Dark ‘Angel’ Live On TV!

By Elizabeth C.

STOP IN THE NAME OF PROFIT, Penguin Group, and think twice about cancelling Herman Rosenblat’s historical fiction Angel at the Fence: The True Story of a Love that Survived.

Poor Mr. Rosenblat. Not only is he a Holocaust survivor but now he must face one of life’s most cruel rebukes: that of Oprah Winfrey, who not once, but twice has been duped by publishers whom we can only presume endlessly slavish her with praise and presents.

Wasn’t it mere years ago that James Frey’s ego got shattered into a million little pieces by the Almighty O, but conveniently only after the New York Times and the Washington Post told her that, ahem, it really was wrong to lie.

So now the jig is up about Mr. Rosenblat’s faux death camp romance, during which his future wife surreptitiously fed him apples through a fence. Fast forward to the years after the War when he meets his savior on a blind date! What a story arc!

But here’s my suggestion, Penguin Division et al.: Make Rosenblat go on Oprah’s show to confess in person. Then she can pull his pants down and spank him LIVE! ON! TV!

Think of the ratings! Think of the publicity! Think of the book’s last chapter, which surely isn’t written yet!

Or you can just ask Oprah’s audience to Skype in his punishment and let the verbal bullets fall where they may.

Because, ultimately, there is always a way to sell your product on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

ONE FOR TEAM JEN

Sweet Revenge For Jen Over Brad At The Box Office

By Elizabeth C.

I NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME THAT I WOULD THINK JENNIFER ANISTON WAS PRETTIER THAN BRAD PITT. Today is that day.

Is anyone else as sick of seeing Brad’s puffy face as I am? Over-saturation is a real phenomenon and Brangelina has reached its tipping point.

Apparently America agrees to some degree, because it awarded Jen the Christmas box office with her sentimental flick Marley & Me written by former Philadelphia Inquirer columnist John Grogan. (Full disclosure: the Inky was once hallowed grounds to Crabby when she was a wee cub long before Grogan showed up.)

Jen’s movie scored $50.7 million since opening Christmas Day, while Brad Pitt’s The Curious Case of Benjamin Button earned a modest (my word, not the critics), $26.9 million over the four-day weekend.

Personally I’m hoping that this year Brangelina does what Angelina promises and fades into our memories.

NEWS ROUNDUP

Super ‘Bitching’ News Bites

By Elizabeth C.

THE HOUNDS ARE BACK ON THE SCENT AFTER THE HOLIDAYS, and the news pages are busting loose.

Another Palin enters the world! And teen parents Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston just feed conspiracy theorists’ fodder by naming their new wee one Tripp. That’s just two letters away from her supposed illegitimate son Trig.

The new couple will pocket $300,000 for the new baby’s pics from People magazine.

And in that serendipitious way that news sometimes comes, a new story reports that virginity pledges don’t work. I wonder what Sarah Palin has to say about the study just days after becoming a grandma?

Actor Woody Harrelson married his partner of 20 years and mom to three daughters. Congrats to Laura Louie, who must have a great sense of humor.

And Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony deny rumors of a split! But then again, so did Madonna right before her marriage to Guy Ritchie imploded. And, seriously, didn’t we all just expect this twosome to end knowing he was the rebounder after her tryst with Ben Affleck?

And in what has to be the most pathetic headline written about the crazed California Santa, MSNBC intones that the gunman became “distant” after he got married. Yup, that explains his murderous rampage.

Uh, can someone point out that a better headline would have been about the obliterated wife’s friend who was grieving over the death of a chum of 30 years? I guess I just did.

SELLING CELEBRITY

Tabloid Trash Talk

Ho-Ho-Hum! This Week’s Tabs Suffer Post-Holiday Blahs, Plead Guilty to Boring!

By Vegas

IT’S THE HOLIDAYS, KIDS, AND I AM TOO BLOATED ON RICH FOODS AND CHEAP WINE to really give a figgy pudding about what The Celebrities are up to. Luckily the editors of the tabloid weeklies feel the same way. There’s enough unsubstantiated filler in these mags to stuff a turducken, so here’s an abbreviated rundown.

IN TOUCH Weekly

On The Cover: “Katie Looks Pregnant!” Inside, Some random members of the audience of All My Sons tell reporters that Katie looks pregnant. That’s pretty much all they’ve got. There are some fun photos of Katie’s last pregnancy. Oh we all can be sure that the mysterious, disappearing vagaries of the much-rumored baby bump will be recycled in the near-too future again!

Up next: Brad and Angelina are adopting another baby and skipping back to southern France. Everyone is worried that Brad can’t cope with more kids. Maybe all of that room in the French mansion will help.

In Touch reports that Britney secretly suffers stage fright. She’s got anti-anxiety meds to take before performances. Remember this information; it will come in handy later.

And J-Lo is treating herself to retail therapy as reports of her marriage collapsing keep coming. The latest tab is alleged to $95,000, that’s a lot of very shiny, sparkly therapy. But she’d probably get more out of the traditional kind where they make you sit down and face your own shit. Much cheapter too!

And this had me knee-slapping! Tila Tequila calls Natalie Portman her role model. Because, she says (heh heh) Natalie Portman reminds her of herself (Muah ha ha ha ha ha.) Because she has so much class and good breeding. But I guess it’d be redundant to mention the idea of regular therapy for a second time in the same post.

Read the full story here!

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

Taking Bets On Which New Star Gets New Nose First

By Natalie Melendez

RUN FOR COVER! STOCK THE PANTRY! Because you know the U.S. is dangerously unstable when the plastic surgery industry hits the skids.

In a recent poll, nearly 60% of women admitted the economy was forcing them to defer their, ahem, investment in plastic surgery.

La La Land’s surgeons say business has dropped nearly 60 percent this year compared to 2007.

Bluntly, this means the average middle- to upper-middle class, insecure, self-loathing 18- to 50-something-year old isn’t going to get that cosmetic fix to solve her problems this year. Little Cate isn’t going to get those breast implants as a graduation present after all; she’ll have to settle for a water-bra instead.

It’s a sad, sad time for the men and women who believe their lives would be better, if only the credit crunch wasn’t denying them access to that coveted butt lift or those youthful hair plugs!

But I have a hunch there’s still a viable market for cosmetic plastics in the celebrity “niche.”

Even with plastic surgery on the down-and-out in Beverly Hills, what’s to stop stars like Jennifer Aniston from dropping a couple grand on the help of a surgeon’s skilled scalpel? With multi-million dollar earnings from this season’s tour-de-force Marley & Me,” (cough, cough), and those Friends’s residuals, surely it’d be no skin off her nose, figuratively speaking of course.

Read the full story here!

Natalie Melendez is a work in progress. Currently she resides in an undisclosed mountainous California location, where she spends her time studying, writing and roasting chestnuts by the fire. You can email her here.

SELLING CELEBRITY

Tabloid Trash Talk

Paris and Barbie: Separated at The Plastic Factory? J.Lo Loses Her Marital Bling. And Christmas Comes For Celebspawns!

By Vegas

USWEEKLY has Jennifer Lopez on the cover looking so sparkly that we might have missed her undressed wedding ring finger if a big yellow circle didn’t highlight the missing bling!

Careful ladies, whoever lets Skeletor touch them is the next to die! Just ask J-Lo’s career! According to “inside sources,” Marc Anthony is too controlling and Jen blames him for her career hitting the skids. Scientology may play a role as well. Jen’s BFF, Leah Remini, is a member of the religion-cum-cult and may be working on bringing Jen over to the dark side, which is not somewhere Marc Anthony will follow.

Also, remember it’s vacation week for the working press! That means it’s prime season for ”evergreens," in this case being lots of photo reruns. Photos of everything from Ashley Simpson’s boobs to Pam Anderson’s ass. Celebrity babies, celebrity couples, celebrity snacks and a “Recessionista” fashion spread. Sienna Miller wins in an American Apparel dress costing $38.

Husband and wife team Harry Hamlin (As TMZ says, "Memba him?) and Lisa Rinna are shooting a reality-TV project. The pitch is an I Love Lucy takeoff called I Love Lisa that they’re hoping TVLand will pick up. Rinna is quoted as saying “We thought that would be funny TV.” You thought wrong.

And — surprise! Tara Reid is in rehab! Apparently alcohol has ruined her career. And here I thought it was her acting.

Brad Pitt turns 45 this month. US honors him with a Then & Now pictorial that declares his past as “puffy.” Really though it was more feathered and highlighted than puffy.

Life & Style Weekly

On the cover, it’s all about those Christmas miracles we know and love as celebrity babies!

Inside, there’s the alleged scoop on how the adorable, chubby winners of gene bingo will be spending their holidays. It’s all so sweet I went into diabetic shock. Luckily, insulin was handy.

And, gasp! Britney wants plastic surgery. The photo of her is so airbrushed that you can’t tell what she’d get nip/tucked, but apparently she’s obsessed with the idea. Insiders say she’s bent on surgery and whatever Brit-Brit wants, Brit-Brit gets, except custody of her children or control over her money. Let’s hope dad doesn’t sign off on the boob job.

L&F diagrams where all of Michael Jackson’s millions have disappeared to. Nothing shocking here: Neverland Ranch, exotic animals, plastic surgery and legal bills. It’s sad that none of that is shocking.

There’s a celebrity-news IQ test where you have to identify boobs, baby bumps and bling. I bombed the question on which celebrity was released from jail on October 21. There are just too many release dates to keep them all straight.

Check out rest of Tabloid Trash Talk here.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

GAME BOY

Last Minute Gifts For The Gamer In Your Life

By Marc Sakol

VWhat’s your favorite computer geek going to do all day Christmas? How’s he going to weasel in play time on the virtual box with extended family members popping by?

Let’s give him an excuse to be anti-social!? (And I use the male pronoun, ‘cause honestly, isn’t that who we’re really talking about here?)

With the countdown-to-Christmas speeding up, here’s a list of recommended gifts for gamers. And if you get them one, then they can blame staying in the basement as gratitude for getting such a cool Christmas present! Chrono Trigger (DS): The original Chrono Trigger for the Super Nintendo is still considered one of the greatest role-playing games ever created. This DS re-make combines the original game with additions from the playstation remake and adds in some new dungeons and makes it portable. The perfect gift for anyone who loves RPG’s.

World of Warcraft: Wraith of the Lich King (PC): With 13 million players worldwide, this game must have something great. This entry on the list is conditional though; it depends on whether or not your gamer plays WoW and that he doesn’t already own this newest expansion.

Wii Fit (Wii): Perfect for the casual gamer. It offers quick fun game play as well as compatibility to dozens of other games. Great for moms who want to take up Yoga.

Mirror’s Edge (Xbox 360, PS3): Easily one of the best and most original games to come out this year. This government conspiracy/ Parkour-sim/ first-person-platformer only appears so low on this list because it can be beaten in seven hours and may cause some motion sickness.

Resistance 2 / Gears of War 2 (PS3 / Xbox 360): Personally, I see little difference between the two games, but that’s just my biased opinion. Both of the games are really good first-person-shooters, which is why they tie on the list; it just depends on which system you own. If you own both systems and can only choose one: I would have to say Gears of War 2. It’s more popular.

Little Big Planet (PS3): You’ll fall in love with it the moment you start playing it. It allows you to create hundreds of levels of your own design. It also lets you play other people’s levels using the Playstation Network, meaning there is always going to be a new level to play every time you turn on the game.

Check out the full list here.

Marc Sakol understands the kindness in strangers, which is why he abandons hope of actually getting to know people. He spends his time falling head first into video games, watching every movie ever made, and writing for his blog Sarcasm Not Included.

INTERNET GOSSIP

Tony Danza Is Dead. Seriously. Not.

By Elizabeth C.

TONY DANZA IS DEAD. OR NOT.

The internet rumor swirling Wednesday was that Tony had fallen off a cliff 60 feet to his death while filming in New Zealand. A freelancer wrote breathlessly to Crabby saying that the 80s TV actor had exited this realm. Hmmm. Why no story on Google?

A quick scan of news sites showed only that the actor’s house in Park City, Utah is for rent. Now there’s a sales pitch! Rent Dead Actor’s Home!

Oh, another discovery: that the star has been accused of allegedly stalked a Staten Island man whom he thought was a relative of the dead crooner Frank Sinatra. For the record, Tony, we do not believe for a New York second that you would ever do something that ridiculous.

Then is always the possibility that Tony just got his ass kicked when he appeared on The Contender, Mark Burnett‘s boxing reality series, which launched its fourth season earlier this month. But then I think I would have heard about the ass-whipping.

Or maybe this joke has something to do with Twilight and vampires. Because the exact same story was reported two years ago.

Haha, premature obituaries are so fucking funny.

POP PSYCHOLOGY

Is The Idiot Box The Cause Or Symptom of Misery?

By Thystle Blum

TELEVISION HAS PERFECTED THE ART OF ATTRACTING miserable people to its mundane, soft-glowing, visage.

Talk shows, soap operas, music videos, video games, porn, fashion shows, movies — all are designed with the express purpose of attracting people who have nothing better to do.

So it’s no surprise that unhappy people glue themselves to the television 30 percent more than happy people, according to John Robinson of The University of Maryland, who authored the study published in the journal Social Indicators Research.

The findings were culled from the survey of nearly 30,000 American adults conducted between 1975 and 2006 as part of the University of Chicago’s General Social Survey.

Researchers found that happy individuals were more socially active, attended more religious services, voted more and read newspapers more frequently than their less-chipper counterparts. But they didn’t solve the “chicken-versus egg” debate: Does the box make people unhappier, or do unhappier just tune in more?

Here’s another study idea for you, Professor Robinson: Why don’t you check the correlation of IQ to hours of television watched?

The box promotes a fugue state that is neither restful, nor exertive. It’s just vegetative, and in this relaxed state your mind is open to any suggestion being fed to it. That’s where the phrase “idiot box” originates, according to the journal of “Crabby.”

And what about the geography of those TV watchers? I’ll gamble where you live has as much to do with your happiness than your viewing habits. If you have no place to go, TV’s your inevitable best friend. Unless, of course, you’re willing to attend the church in the neighborhood.

My conclusion: Voters, churchgoers, and newspaper readers are looking for the same thing that the chubby, zit faced teen watching porn on the spice channel: something to fill the void in their lives. They just leave the house to do it.

Thystle Blum lives in the south suburbs of Chicago, and hopes to one day rid the world of the evil of religion.

BUSINESS

Melamine in Mr. Eraser? Fine! In Your Food? A Corrupt Shortcut To Profit

By Thystle Blum

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Please do not eat the Magic Eraser from Mr. Clean.

Ridiculous you say? The “Magic Eraser” is a cleaning product made with the chemical melamine and you would never, ever eat that chemical. Unless, of course, you didn’t know you were.

Melamine is widely in the manufacturing of plastics, cook ware, and formica countertops. But it has also been widely used to in animal feed and dairy products in China where the chemical has sickened 300,000 Chinese children, as well as thousands of pets worldwide in last year’s pet food poisonings.

The Chinese have been adding the chemical to dairy and animal feed because its high nitrogen falsely appears to boost the protein content of the end product and lowers production costs.

The consequences of that dangerous practice have finally bled through the food chain. Starbucks Coffee stopped selling milk in its Chinese coffee houses because of the crisis.

Read the complete story here.

Thystle Blum lives in Chicago’s south suburbs and hopes one day to rid the world of religion.