THANKSGIVING

Whether Big Or Small, Count Your Blessings

A Family Tradition: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

By MzEll

I hated sitting at the kids table.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my cousins. The only other girl, however, had already moved to the grown-up table and I was stuck in the middle of three very loud, very messy boys. We sat at a folding table with a Twister mat underneath us to catch our crumbs. The food was always sensational, but I longed to be with the big people.

My Grandmother soon had mercy on my pre-adolescent, too-smart-for-my-own-good self. I was ecstatic to get to sit between my beloved cousin and my hilarious uncle. Then came Thanksgiving dinner, and a new responsibility that I wasn’t so fond of. Every year, every person as the big table had to go around share what they were thankful for. I wanted to hide. Never knowing what to say, I always copped out with answers like "family and friends."

Read the full story here.

MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.

Bright Lights, Big City

By Jason Wilfong

I MOVED TO CHICAGO LAST SUMMER, and it has been rough-going since I arrived. I wrapped up a divorce, and I have been laid off twice. But there are things and people in my life that I am thankful for: In no particular order, these are:

1. My divorce. People get married hoping to find “the one” and to live happily ever after, but the sad truth is that there are couples who just don’t belong together.

Read the full story here.

Jason Wilfong of Chicago, believes he has unrecognized genius. He also loves sports, comic books and good music. You can reach him via email.

MEDIA

Watching Suicide Live, Detached From Reality

By Travis Bland

IS TECHNOLOGY MAKING US LESS HUMAN?

By now everybody has heard the story of Abraham Biggs Jr., the 19 year-old college student who broadcast his suicide over the internet.

The South Florida teen, who was affected with bi-polar disorder, announced that he was going to kill himself on a forum at bodybuilders.com. Biggs then posted a link from the forum to Justin.tv, where users can broadcast live from their webcams. Reportedly, some users contacted moderators at the body building site, who traced Biggs’ location and alerted police. But by the time police got to the scene about 3 p.m., Biggs was already dead. He had started blogging about 12 hours earlier.

While Biggs was live-streaming his own suicide, other users posted comments ranging from shocked exclamations to off-colored “gallows humor.” Justin.tv quickly pulled down the video after the incident.

Biggs father, Abraham Sr., told ABC News that he was appalled that people would watch his son kill himself. "I think it is wrong to have this happen for hours without any action being taken from the people in charge,’’ the senior Biggs said. “Where were they all the time?"

In a statement to the media, Justin.tv CEO Michael Seibel, said, "We regret that this has occurred and want to respect the privacy of the broadcaster and his family during this time."

Biggs is not the first person to kill himself online (an act eerily dubbed ‘cyber-suicide’ by one Australian newspaper), but his real-time suicide is raising many questions regarding internet safety and the lines between the freedom and regulation of expression.

The internet produces pseudo-stardom in an instant. It’s becoming epidemic to see people prostituting their privacy in exchange for attention that humans seem to crave so deeply.

There’s something inhumane about the web’s voyeurism, as well as our boundless quest for profit. I abhor the lack of action on the part of Justin.tv, but as an advocate of free speech, I also can’t defend tight control over web broadcasting.

When this grieving family inevitably files a lawsuit, the civil courts will prove to be regulation enough.

Travis Bland is a freelance reporter and literary delinquent living on California’s Central Coast. He currently resides in a tin shack, sustaining himself on a healthy diet of sourdough bread crust, Wild Turkey, and Jack Cafferty blog posts. You can reach him at [email protected].

POP PSYCHOLOGY

Rapping With Kanye’s ‘ID’

By Shakenya Jackson

M“Mr. West is in the building. Swagger on a hundred, thousand, trillion.”

Ya’ll like that line from “Swagger Like Us”? That was mine. I told Kanye to write it and he wrote it. Hell, the line wrote itself. Let me introduce myself: I am Kanye’s swagger. I know some of ya’ll aren’t that bright so let me tell you who and what I am.

Swagger or a person’s “swag” is their very essence, their sexy. It’s the way you walk into a room and command attention. It’s a (not-so) subtle air of superiority many celebrities possess (and even the occasional nobody). Swagger is so powerful it that should damn well speak for itself and I’m gonna.

That was me in England that screamed when that paparazzo clown tried to photograph me. I pushed the camera back in that guy’s face. I did it cause it’s not Kanye they want, it’s me, the swagger. Same thing in LAX. I broke that fuckin’ camera cause I need compensation for my photos. Swag costs, babies.

I gave ya’ll a few for free when I told ya’ll Bush doesn’t care about Black people. I interrupted those guy’s acceptance speech at the MTV Europe Music Awards and told ya’ll I should’ve won video-of-year because Pamela Anderson was in the fuckin’ video. A nobody like Kanye pulling Pamela “Boob Supreme” Anderson in a music video was a swag-tastic maneuver and you imbeciles didn’t appreciate it.

I told Kanye to call himself the Louis Vuitton Don. Why? Because it makes him sound important. I told him tight pants were hot and to put on pastel. Why? Because I take risks. Hell, I even told him to use that Auto-Tunes after T-pain had used it on 4,000,000 or so top-selling singles. And what happens? Boom! Love Lockdown storms the charts, baby. I make his blog worth talking about by posting the most obnoxiously expensive items and hottest women on a planet, that without a doubt most of you commoners can’t pretend to afford and can’t afford to date.

The bottom line is this: swag makes rappers hot. Kanye ain’t nobody without me: I make you love him or hate him. I make him hot, and if you don’t see him generally making an ass out of himself from time to time, I’m not handling my business. But for right now, “swagger on a hundred-thousand-trillion.”

Shakenya Jackson is among Chicago’s finest writers. (She believes in the power of swag.) She also enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.

NEW FEATURE

Tabloid Trash Talk

‘People’ Finds New Way To S(m)ell Fantasy, Tipster Says Angie Connived To Steal Brad, And Mel Gibson Sins

By Vegas

ON US WEEKLY’S COVER, IT’S JEN VS. ANGELINA (AGAIN) AND the sidebar features Reese Witherspoon, feuding manufactured “rock stars” annnnd Brandy, who is apparently a great big liar.

Inside, Us Weekly parties like it’s 2005 with long (read: boring) stories about the Bradgelinaston relationship and Brandy’s fake marriage. "In a main love scene, Brad and Angelina would both wear flesh-colored underwear," a source on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith told the mag. "But in the end, she shunned the suit and climbed in bed with him naked! It’s the biggest thing we all remember from that film." Oh, that Angelina, she’s such a vampire.

UW is definitely on Team Anniston. But does anyone else think John Mayer is starting to look like John Waters with that haircut and mustache?

Brandy lied about marrying her baby’s daddy back in 2002. Now that she’s got a new album coming out she’s ready to exploit her past shame in exchange for a four page spread. Awesome.

There’s a brief story on Reese’s life and she unironically uses the word “Gosh.” ‘Nuff said.

Lastly, they photoshop Michelle Obama’s head onto the bodies of four models to see what sort of dress she should wear to the inauguration. Only one of those models is black sooooo yeah. Good on ya and your race relations, Us Weekly!

STAR WEEKLY

Jen vs. Angelina AND Brad on the cover. Above the masthead are promises of an inside look into Rihanna’s private romance (not so private,) JT and JBeil’s new NYC apartment and Jessica Simpson’s womb. She’s got a bump! It could be a baby! Or some BBQ! Let’s find out!

Inside: Rihanna and Chris Brown; hot, famous, young people in love. On the beach! Eating Popeye’s chicken! Getting tattoos! It’s such a whirlwind, how can we keep up? We can’t. Next?

Brittney dresses her sons in matching outfits. I wonder how long they’ll put up with that. She’s nervous about leaving them to go on tour. I’m sure the rest of the family will take good care of them, like they have been, since they were born.

Six pages of Bradgelinaston coverage in Star! Both Star and Us have a pictorial history of their relationship…mostly the same photos too. For the win, Star has the hot photo of Jen in the red bikini from their trip to Cabo in 2003.

Also in this issue, handbags like my grandma used to carry are totally hot right now. Dear, sweet Grandma, you were so ahead of your time.

NATIONAL ENQUIRER

The cover is busy, busy, busy. Mel Gibson might be divorcing, MK Olsen is gaining weight, Patrick Swayze continues his battle with cancer and they might have found poor Caylee Anthony’s grave.

Inside, Matt Lauer fumes over Meredith Vieira’s marriage crack on the Today Show last week. That’s right bitch, don’t mess with my Matt.

The Jen vs. Angelina fight is actually an Angelina vs. Brad fight according the Enquirer. Whatever, which ever, it’s all the same quotes. This leads me to believe that these folks should reevaluate the relationships they have with their friends. Who the hell are these inside sources?

J.Lo (As TMZ sez, "Memba her?) gets jealous, Julia Roberts surfs, Katie Holmes is tired, and David Spade has a love child…Wait, back up. What? Seriously, what is it with this guy? I don’t see it.

Mel Gibson’s been canoodling, as they say, with some hot Russian chick. This might be the end of his 28-year marriage! For shame! What kind of good Catholic are you Mel? You know, cheaters are responsible for all of the wars in the world.

Finally, Laura Bush is working on a tell-all memoir. Note to Laura: yeah, you know a LOT of people started drinking again after 9/11, cut The Cowboy-in-Chief some slack will ya? And Cindy McCain’s been making out with a used car salesman. Allegedly. That’s just sad. For her. And all of her money.

BONUS COVERAGE!

People named Hugh Jackman as the Sexiest Man Alive and I won’t argue. Inside, 129 other sexy men who smell! Eeeewww!

In some sort of weird marketing scheme, People put scratch-and-sniff patches on a bunch of guys’ photos. Chance Crawford smells like Future Washed Up Actor, Taye Diggs smells spicy (mmmm) and Chris Meloni smells the best of all, sigh. He’s dreamy in that over-wrought authority-figure-gone-awry sort of way.

Michael Phelps smells like actual cologne. Better than chlorine I guess.

I think they should have put scents on all of these guys. You know Robert Downey Jr. and Javier Bardem probably both smell like whiskey, cigarettes and sex.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive.

PUBLICITY

Brother, Can You Spare A Camera Crew? "Jen-gelina" Inspires International Mission

By Natalie Melendez

I recently was flipping through a stack of People mags at my dentist’s office, the only pleasure I derive from that annual appointment other than the secret hope for nitrous oxide.

I picked up the issue with Jennifer Hudson’s heartbreaking family tragedy on the cover. In the upper right-hand corner there is a smiling Mother Theresa surrounded by Afghani refugee children. Hmm, that’s funny, I remember Mother Theresa looking a lot older and leathered.

I look closer.

Ooh, silly me, that’s not Mother Theresa — it’s Angelina Jolie!

“EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS!” Shouts the headline. “Angelina: Her Secret War Zone Visit.”

Everyone’s most beloved and photographed Goodwill Ambassador is back! It’s a good thing that someone had the good sense to bring cameras along on this secret mission; otherwise no one would see exclusive photos of St. Angelina that People miraculously managed to obtain. (Brad, are you selling snaps again?)

I admit: I am impressed. There’s an extremely flattering photo of Angelina smiling with three radiantly needy refugee children. The caption reads: “Admiring the ‘courage’ and ‘resilience’ of the returnees.”

Might I add that I admire Angelina’s choice of minimal make-up for the shoot? A very nice, subtle, smoke-around-the-eyes look that doesn’t seem obviously made-up, which helps to stress the seriousness of the situation.

The next two photos are of a burdened “Angel”-ina gently touching the arm of a boy suffering from malaria; the boy is covered in flies.

Read the complete post here!

Since 1986, Natalie Melendez has been a work-in-progress. She currently resides in an undisclosed mountainous California location, where she spends most of her time studying, writing and roasting chestnuts by the fire. You can reach her at [email protected]

MOVIES

Bloodthirsty for ‘Twilight’

By MzEll

MY MOM’S FASCINATION WITH the television series DARK SHADOWS transferred to me in utero.

While growing up, I fed that appetite for blood with volumes by R.L. Stine and Anne Rice, and today I encourage that propensity in my wee ones: Their favorite Halloween book is Vunce Upon A Time.

But nothing has sucked the air from my lungs like Twilight, Stephanie Meyer’s vampire series that reaches the big screen tomorrow.

Twilight has people of all ages breathlessly awaiting their chance for a ticket. With the release date so close to Thanksgiving, I’ll be salivating over Edward Cullen while simultaneously preparing to stuff turkey, a paradox to be sure: the mythical Cullen is a “vampire vegetarian” who only feasts on nonhuman beasts.

But even though the Cullen clan doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving in our customary fashion, their sense of family is very much in tact. The moralistic Cullens have been perfectly cast: Ashley Greene, is the spitting image of Stephanie Meyer’s description of the dark-haired, prophetic, tinkerbell Alice.

Kellen Lutz, whom author Meyer fought to have cast as Emmett, captures the burly bear-of-a-guy character depicted throughout the saga. Jackson Rathbone appears as Jasper, whose beauty releases forbidden squeals from inside me.

Read more! Click here.

MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.

FILM

‘Zack And Miri’s’ Store-Bought Boner Available At Amazon

By Nathan Israileff

LIFE GOES FLACCID FOR SETH ROGAN‘S ZACK when he breaks the bank with his impulse purchase of the “Fleshlight."

Of course, we all know that Zack and Miri Make A Porno is Kevin Smith’s new comedy starring Rogan and Elizabeth Banks as lifelong friends who’ve hit hard times and decide their ticket out is to make a porn flick.

The platonic roommates’ financial fix grows even harder after Zack impulsively purchases the “male masturbator” that you too can have for just $59.95 from Amazon. But $60 is a lot of bank when you’re running on empty.

Fast forward to these losers’ high school reunion where Miri works like a pitbull in lipstick to get laid by a former crush. What she doesn’t know is the former jock is the lover of a hardcore gay porn star whom Zack chats up. Then -flash and inspiration! Zack thinks if this fuck can make porn, surely anyone can. The confluence of desperation and inspiration lead he and Miri to decide to make a dick flick.

What ensues is some of the most offensive and memorable moments in recent cinema, including an important PSA about the contraindications of anal sex and constipation.

The film is hysterical! It’s offensive! It’s rude! I give it eight penises out of 10. But before you make any purchases, remember the cautionary words straight from Zack’s mouth: the Fleshlight feels like "fucking a flashlight."

Nathan Israileff is a sarcastic, cynical, loveable provocateur who lives in HelLA.

NEW FEATURE

Tabloid Trash Talk

Bell Bottoms, Chachispawn, John Travolta, And Other Frights In The Night

By Vegas
THE OBAMA FAMILY CONTINUES THEIR REIGN OF SUPREMACY, with the president-elect confessing to Us Weekly that he thinks he’s a "pretty cool dad." And the inset is the "Hot Stars" of Twilight. Dear Robert Pattinson, that hair is not "hot."

The first feature is a two-page Katie Holmes fashion spread. I contend that none of those pants are either "casual" or "cool." I’m going to have nightmares about $275 bell-bottoms tonight, thank you Us!

Us declares "No More Kids for Chachi!" And I say, "Thank God!" I don’t think the world needs any more chachispawn. Gretchen Mol‘s kid is cute but with a name like Ptolemy he’s destined for the life of an uber-math nerd. Poor little guy.

The "They’re Just Like Us" spread is on pages 30-31. I’m not buying it. I can’t afford court side seats to a Lakers’ game like Kate Hudson. And I sure as hell know that Andy Dick will never, ever be like any of us. Then there’s this Jessica Szohr chick trying on ridiculous boots. She might be like us. I don’t know. I’ve never heard of her. (Ohhhh, she’s a Gossip Girl. Now I get it.)

The gloryholing of Barack Obama’s life continues on page 45. Blah blah blah, continuity in his daughters’ lives. Blee blee blooh, inevitable comparison to JFK. Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin closes the story with this choice quote: "We’re aware that we’re transplanting a family that might have looked very much like someone we might know into this magical place, the White House." Bwahaha. I’m sorry but maaaagicaaaaal. Gimme a break. We’ve have definitely run out of "news" on the Obamas.

The next two pages are reruns of photos that have been floating around since the election. Oh, and a side bar about the First Puppy, the darling of the 24-hour news cycle. The story goes on for four more pages, mostly photos of the girls. There’s a side-by-side on their likes, hobbies, career plans (how old are they?), their pet peeves and thoughts on their new home. Girls, get used to charts and comparisons.

Brit‘s babe Jayden‘s trip to the emergency room is covered briefly. It was something he ate, they say. Dad didn’t even fly in, so he’s going to be OK. And then the piece goes on to discuss Brit’s appearance at the Madonna concert and how she’s looking forward to making a come back. Bring it.

Us FINALLY introduces us to the kid from Twilight. I gotta say he’s hotter as Cedric Diggory. But he’s also a musician! And he’s hoping to record a CD! Hooray! We have so few mediocre actors crossing over into music. We almost ran out! Thank you, Robert Pattinson (and Joaquin Phoenix)!

Read more! Click here.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive.

MUSIC/TELEVISION

Shut Up, Haters! John Mayer Can Explore My Wonderland Anytime

By Ryann Flynn

I‘M GONNA SAY IT LOUD AND PROUD: I’m a John Mayer fan. I’ll give you a minute to come up with some clever insult. Feel better? Great, now let’s move on.

Admitting liking John hurts less than that time in third grade when I had to confess to wearing a training bra. It hurts less, guys, than admitting that you use Nair to remove hair from your forearms.

Now the buzz is that John is in talks with CBS to do his own 60s-style retro variety show. But the news just sets him up for more verbal stabbings.

“Has he become a has-been already?," one hater wrote at justjared.com.

I’m baffled why the gorgeous, rich and talented John has gotten such a bad rap. Sure he was routinely dissed on the Family Guy. I’ll admit he came off as a bit of a fuck when he told TMZ that he didn’t want to ‘waste’ Jennifer Aniston‘s time. And, yeah, he wears that “womanizer” tag well. But it’s not like he’s some righteous vegetarian.

I’ll give you this though: he’s got this “J’’ thing going on with his girlfriends: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. Weird.

But don’t love or hate John Mayer because of “Your Body is a Wonderland.” Listen to the duet he performs with B.B King on King’s song Hummingbird. Sample his album Try. Or even better — go see John play a live show. What’s the worst that could happen? I mean, it’s not like I’m asking you do to something crazy, like vote for Palin in 2012.

Ryann Flynn is an avid recycling, Gimlet-drinking, Chicago Cubs-loving art director trying to bust into advertising. You can check out her work at ryannflynn.carbonmade.com.