POLITICS

Pelosi Et Al. — Wipe The Smiles Off Your Faces

By Elizabeth C.

WHAT THE HELL DID THEY FIND SO FUNNY?

Here they were, Congressional Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barney Frank and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson sharing a laugh while announcing to the media that they reached an accord on the repulsive $700 billion bailout of Wall Street’s Masters of the Universe at the expense of ordinary Americans.

But the self-congratulations were premature and the pictures taken Monday showed grimmer expressions on the dealmakers’ faces.

While partisans threw pot-shots at each other – the Dems blamed the Republicans for the failure of the bailout plan and vice versa — the reality is both political parties’ got us into this quicksand. And Congressional leaders who face November elections weren’t willing to absorb the voters’ anticipated zings and arrows.

When the votes were tallied, there were 228 nays versus 205 yeas against the biggest market intervention since the Great Depression. Of Dems, 95 opposed the bill while 140 voted in favor; 133 Republicans nixed the plan while 65 supported it.

Meanwhile, back at the race, the Obama and McCain camps pointed fingers at each other.

During a presidential campaign with lots of talk about chickens coming home to roost, this story was the foulest. We are all complicit in this mess; the media for spoonfeeding us stories about Jesus’ face in cat fur stories while ignoring real crises. Or for dismissing what they surely thought shrill complaints from Ralph Nader about lax governmental regulation and corporate welfare for the likes of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

Today’s reporters seems to do little more than yap like little dogs at bigger dogs; but as usual their bark is bigger than their bite. The sleaze-fest that Congress has become can be directly traced back to the money from wealthy individuals and corporations who want to a piece of America’s pie when legislation is written, and candidates’ open palms.

Count me among the millions who are glad that they issue hasn’t been resolved quite so quickly to Congress’ satisfaction. Yes, yes, I’m aware that something must be done to avert another Depression. Americans rely on ol’ Uncle Sam to play both mommy and daddy.

But there’s lots more work to do to ensure that all of those who contributed to this fiasco are forced to sweat before the final tally is deducted from the next generation’s future.

Here’s where they can begin: Bush, Pelosi, Reid, Paulsen, et.al – stop laughing at our expense.

POLITICS

The Kids Aren’t All Right: Cracks In The Facade Of The Palin Family

By MzEll

I am slightly addicted to Celebrity Baby Blog. I first visited there to find out what Elizabeth Hasselbeck was naming her baby. If it weren’t for that odd inquiry, my ear would never have been tuned in to the name Sarah Palin. The pregnancy and birth of the VP contender’s fifth child, Trig, were both reported there, and since then my original impressions about Mrs. Palin have completely changed.

At first I thought, “Wow, what an inspiring woman! To conceive another child with so many other responsibilities, and then return to them so completely, even with her son’s disability.” I didn’t know anything about Sarah Palin except what I read at the CBB and her general appearance. Her decisions then seemed to be those of a modern, working mom making good choices for her family.

Then John McCain nominated her for VP, and I noticed she was a Republican. Almost immediately afterwards, there was speculation that her baby was really her daughter’s. That’s a lot of Mama drama! Next, was the news that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Up until this point, she had the benefit of my doubt. Being a mother is challenging, and you can’t be with your children all the time.

Another confession: I also frequent Perez Hilton, where I drank up alleged pictures of Bristol Palin posing with a bottle of "Captain Morgan" and a scantily clad friend. (Although the girl doesn’t look a thing like Bristol to my eyes.) Then there were rampant rumors all over the internet about Track Palin vandalizing a school bus. My faith in Palin as a mother was lost. Sarah Palin’s views on sexual education, evolution, and religion as a whole didn’t improve her standing as a mother.

How do the church-going kids of an American governor have the space to drink, vandalize buses and and get pregnant? Where was Sarah Palin when all of this was happening?

The lack of communication and understanding required for that much family drama is astounding. Devotion to your day job should never outweigh dedication to raising competent adults.

I feel bad that her children have been forced into the spotlight. I also remember from my own teen years that your parents cannot control you, or even know you completely. But I feel a mother who represents America has a responsibility to have done a better job.

You can preach abstinence and promise rings, but when your child is old enough to have sex, there needs to be something more than talk.

I don’t doubt that Sarah Palin loves her children more than her own life. For the sake of her younger children, I hope that she has done and continues to do the best she can. For this mom, however, she hasn’t done good enough.

MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. She blogs at Cookiemonks.

TELEVISION

With A ‘Wink’ And A Nod, Unemployed Actor Plucked for ‘Mad Men’ Walk-on

By Elizabeth C.

NEW YORKER JUSTIN ZELL CHANNELED JOAN HOLLOWAY as a saucy school marm with a glandular problem to win a bit part on AMC’s Emmy-winning series Mad Men.

Zell, an unemployed actor, was “estatic” to win, said his father Victor Zell, of Binghamton, NY Wednesday night. “You could hear the excitement in his voice. And then I called him this afternoon, and he was even more estatic because he got a call from Access Hollywood. They want to do an interview with him.”

The younger Zell was out of town and expected to spring the news on his mom, Virginia “Bourbon” Zell, at dinner in Las Vegas today. The bit part is the culmination of years of singing and acting in elementary and high school productions and improv, according to his father.

“He’s very talented,” said Justin’s proud papa. “He’s been in this for years.”

“The whole thing was too good I thought,” said Dad. “The part that struck me [was] when he got to the very end when he looked away and brought his eyes back. And I thought…that’s just phenomenal.”

Allegedly, Zell was personally selected by Mad Men‘s very own creator (and Emmy winner) Matt Weiner and Co-Executive Producer Scott Hornbacher, no doubt because of the knawing hunger in his adorable belly and his tongue-in-cheek (wink-wink) adaptation of ambitious-at-any-cost office manager Joan Holloway. Zell submitted six taped performances to the contest, for which the public was invited to vote on the 18 finalists.

“Thank you so much. This is so awesome,” Zell apparently commented to someone at AMC. He shared the credit with his friends who collaborated on the pieces. “We even had Mad Men watching dinner parties — to which, however, I didn’t wear a dress. Mostly.” Zell wisely spared outing whomever selected the blue polyester day dress with geometric designs that he donned for his Holloway impersonation.

Zell’s ironic snideness received only 603 votes — or 1,500 fewer than fan favorite Jacob who turned in a convincing performance but clearly took himself and the contest too seriously. And, surely, a New York winner from the media capitol of the world would generate 25 times the buzz than a winner from anywhere else. At least, that is how the minds of marketing geniuses work.

POP CULTURE

Wave Your Rainbow Flag! Lindsay, Clay Step Out Of The Closet

By Benjamin Bradshaw B.

LINDSAY LOHAN AND CLAY AIKEN BOTH CONFIRMED LONGSTANDING GAY RUMORS THIS WEEK. Aiken reportedly stayed in the closet so long because he was playing dress up with his mother’s evening gowns.

LoMantha unceremoniously dropped the bomblet in a phone interview on “Loveline” Monday that she and DJ Samantha Ronson have been lezzing out for “a very long time.” With this infamous mystery solved, we can finally get back to looking for Osama Bin Laden.

In contrast, homegirl Aiken is double-somersaulting out of his closet in a pink leotard. He appears on the cover of People hugging his lab-spawned Parker (a la Brangelina) with the headline “Yes, I’m Gay.”

Aiken’s frosted tips and excellent Dolly Parton stage impressions led to lots of gay speculation during the peak of his American Idol fame. Now that the glitter has finally settled and most of the Claymates have hit puberty and turned goth, homegirl has finally given in for publicity. If he didn’t drop the ball with Merry Christmas with Love: Clay Aiken who knows how long that whole androgynous charade would have continued.

The lesbians are glad to officially have Lilo, but the gays are just happy to add one more to the "coming out" party. And they’re waiting for Anderson Cooper to accept the invitation.

Benjamin Bradshaw B. is a fashion merchandising student who blogs at CrabbyGoLightly.com on culture, ads, and corporate monsters. You can reach him at Myspace.com/taterzz.com.

TELEVISION

Hair Stylist Tabitha Coffey’s Cutting Tool? Her Pouty Little Mouth

By SexyChattyCatty

ALTHOUGH BRAVO DISAPPOINTED ME WITH THE drivel that is Date My Ex, I am still a submissive to their dom. How can I stay away from the awesomeness that is Tabatha Coffey?

Tabatha was a contestant on the first season of Bravo’s Sheer Genius. Although she didn’t win the title, she did win “fan favorite” and a little Bravo bonus of 10 large.

In Tabatha’s Salon Takeover, Tabby follows in the footsteps of fellow Brits Gordon Ramsey and Peter Ishkans. Ramsey (my personal favorite, yum) makes over restaurants on his BBC and Fox shows Kitchen Nightmares, and showcases his own restaurant on The F Word. Ishkhans remakes coffee shops, pet shops and, I guess, any business that needs his particular brand of rehab.

Tabatha sticks to hair salons.

Tabatha is one of those women who has developed her own style. She’s reminiscent of Anne Robinson of Weakest Link fame. She has a more pixiesh white-blond hairstyle but she has the same affection for dressing in all black (with touches of white). Bravo put her in a neon red top for her promo commercial and it just seemed wrong. Wrong, Bravo! Let Tabatha be Tabatha! I admire people who create their own style of dress. I hope to do it myself one day.

Since the words “warm and cuddly” are not in her vernacular, Tabby terrifies every owner and staff person she meets. And she’s not afraid of using her own “F” word when needed. One stylist calls her an “animal.” That’s a bit harsh.

Like Ramsey, she’s strict and stern but also educates and encourages. She certainly brings the drama but isn’t that what we want in our reality stars? I think she’s great and most of the stylists end up thinking that as well. I can’t wait for Season 2.

SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America’s favorite snack food.

POLITICS

Ron Paul Is Right: The Only Chance For ‘Change’ Is To Vote For A Third-Party Candidate

Both Obama, McCain, Guarantee More of the Same

By Elizabeth C.

The crash of America’s economic markets is a timely reminder of the importance of the upcoming presidential election.

The American Dream is deferred for millions teetering under higher gas, electric, housing, medical costs and overextended credit cards.

While thousands of Americans lose their homes to foreclosure, corporate welfare continues unabated, with the government’s $85 billion bailout of insurance giant AIG.

As admirable as both presidential candidates are — Barack Obama with his charm, intellect and swagger, John McCain for what Time calls his twin conflictions of ambition and honor — neither man has the righteous indignation necessary to change the status quo. And to suddenly aspire to it would mean eschewing the political machines that have brought them to the top of the presidential heap.

Like every campaign before it, this presidential race is turning out to be the most expensive to date, with more than $1 billion raised so far, much from "bundlers" who have an economic interest in influencing legislators. The largest piece of that pie will be spent on television and internet advertising, estimated to exceed $3 billion, thus enriching broadcasters who are the primary source of news and information for Americans. So it should be no surprise that what passes for news coverage can at best be described as a "pig wearing lipstick."

Barack Obama, the people’s messianic hopes aside, is unlikely to turn this corrupt tide. To date his campaign has raised $390 million— more than any single presidential candidate in history. He’s also now part of the Richard Daley Chicago machine, which runs the City of Clout like a family of sanctioned mobsters. The system is so broken here that elections don’t matter so much as political appointments. Residents, distracted by the Cubs or their Wiis or their car payments or by television’s somnambulistic influence, routinely re-elect incumbents, who then quit and hand their seat to a family member or political operative. Those who think Obama will deliver the promised land have ignored his lack of reform in Illinois and Congress.

McCain, who has to date raised $174 million for the campaign, has a longer history of falling on his sword on behalf of change. Caught in the Keating Five scandal, political pundits say that McCain’s dutiful reaction to that embarassment was to become a bipartisan reformer, leading to his stewardship of the McCain-Feingold Act, which limited the impact of "soft money" and "issue ads" in presidential campaigns. As moderate as his record is compared to Republicans in the Senate, McCain is handicapped for being from the party that has enabled big oil and business to gorge themselves at the public’s expense. And up until this week, McCain had little to say about re-regulating an out-of-control and collapsing marketplace.

All of which brings home former presidential candidate Ron Paul‘s point that made last week while calling on voters to support a third-party candidate.

"I’ve come to the conclusion, after having spent many years in politics, is that our presidential elections turn out to be more of a charade than anything else, and I think that is true today,” Paul said. "It is a charade."

According to CNN, Paul said the "two major parties and media had ‘colluded’ to avoid discussing issues and falsely presenting the difference between McCain and Obama as real."

What — other than the dismantling of civil rights, consumer protections and regulation — has been accomplished by Bush and Congress during the last eight years? Do we really want to perpetuate financial practices that devalue our economic system? Play world cop by enforcing "pre-emptive" hegemony? Spend billions on an unwinnable war on drugs?

When hundreds of thousands turned out in Berlin to hear Obama speak, pundits chalked it yet again to his charismatic pull. But in a 2002 report comparing elections around the globe, Germany ranked 33rd for voter turnout while America ranked 120th. Germans are in general more politically engaged.

This year we saw several examples of populations turning out in force to pressure their governments for change. More than 40,000 South Koreans marched to protest their country’s renewed imports of U.S. beef. And hundreds of thousands of Colombians marched to protest abductions by leftist guerrillas in the South American country. What America needs is a good, old-fashioned revolution.

Ron Paul is right; the two-party system is a fixed-game for those on the inside. And until Americans shake off their apathy and turn out enmasse at the polls, nothing’s really going to change.

GOSSIP

Lindsay and Dina Lohan: A Real Life "Freaky Friday"

By Benjamin Bradshaw B. L

INDSAY LOHAN HAS DUMPED LIVIN’ LA VIDA LOCO TO GET SERIOUS with presumed girlfriend Samantha Ronson. And shamelessly taking her place on La La Land’s skeevy stage is her attention-starved mom Dina.

Despite recently punching a paparazzi in the face (which is fair game if you ask me, or Kanye West, or a Baldwin brother), the former party monster has miraculously remained drama-free of late. In sharp contrast, last year’s Lohan unraveled in the public eye with each coke-laced scenario more sordid than the last. In short, 2007’s milestones included:

~ DUI.
~ Crotch shot.
~ DUI.
~ Coke-binge-bumper cars.
~ Writing love letters to a lesbian.
~ Another crotch shot.

The heavily-bronzed “hip mom” Dina defended Lindsay’s disasters by selling her story to Harper’s Bazaar and hitting LA’s paparazzi-plagued restaurants, all the while feigning surprise in her best outfits, claiming innocence and making distressed faces.

Since Lindsay’s recent calm, Dina has resorted to the tasteless Living Lohan surreality show as a proclaimed “last resort” to tell her “poor me” story.

The new-school medium allows her to surpass the parents of Brooke Shields and McCauley Culkin to win the "ultimate desperate stage mom" prize while simultaneously becoming "bona fide shameless reality TV star.”

LoMantha began as another ploy for the camera, but almost 18 months later the fling has outlasted the famous “lesbian testing stage” and receives my rare and prestigious stamp of approval.

The rumors of engagement and a house together offer sober hope that the romance has helped LiLo overcome her polluted gene pool like a rising lesbian phoenix.

Benjamin Bradshaw B. is a fashion merchandising student who blogs at CrabbyGoLightly.com on culture, ads, and corporate monsters. You can reach him at Myspace.com/taterzz.com.

POP CULTURE

Hot Or Not? Who Cares? He Does. Or Maybe Not.

By Elizabeth C.

AND YOU THOUGHT THE WEB WAS JUST FOR POINTLESS DISTRACTION AND VOYEURISM WHILE AT THE OFFICE? WRONG.

Seems some enterprising psychologists used stats collected over at Hot Or Not to confirm – big surprise! – that even men with ugly mugs think they have a chance with super models.

"Men might as well reach for the stars," said Harvard University psychologist William Pollack of the study reported recently in Psychological Science.

Using data from more than 16,000 people collected over 10 days in 2005, researchers concluded that unattractive men were far more likely to hit on women out of their league than women were inclined to do the same.

“Men were less likely than women to think that their own lack of attractiveness — based both on a self assessment and the ratings of others — should stand in the way of a date with someone "hot," is how one MSNBC article summed up the study.

The study generated the usual reactive blather about women — required to invest more time and energy into offspring — have a biological imperative to be selective. "Women are the ones who are going to have the baby. They need to be a little more picky," said Pollack.

And the men? Picky? HA! That is to laugh.

The men in the study requested a whopping 240 percent more dates than the women.

So what did we really learn? Not that men aim high, but aim at anything. Which inevitably means they’re going to shoot an awful lot of backfires and blanks.

But then, we already knew that too.

TELEVISION

You’re Invited To A ‘Pity’ Party! It’s ‘Mad Men’ Minutes

By Miz J

THIS WEEK STARTS WITH BETTY BOUNDING FORWARD ON HER TRUSTY STEED – it’s obvious that she’s been thinking about what Jimmy told her last week, and I’m DYING to see if she finally does something with what she’s feeling, other than just bottle it up again. And, finally, my prayers have been answered, folks: she does NOT disappoint.

Some clients and agency types will be dining at Casa De Draper, and Betty’s stressing out about it (in addition to, you know, that OTHER thing). This amounts to her smashing a wobbly chair to bits with her bare fucking hands at one point while the kids look on and sort of shrug: “Oh, that Mom, she’s craaaaaaaaaaaaazy.” Won’t someone please help poor, helpless Betty? No?

Well, looks like she’ll have to take care of herself.

Meanwhile, at Sterling Cooper, everyone’s stretched thin, including Harry, who seems to have bitten off more than he can chew as the new Head of the Television Department (which consists of himself). Roger refuses to staff a script-reader position to aid Harry, so Joan gets pulled in to do this job, which fits her quite well, actually. Almost as well as her form-fitting dresses. I say “almost” because NOTHING fits her like those dresses – I mean, damn, they looked PAINTED on. How does she SIT?

In Don’s office, he and Duck are discussing Heineken, and Don insists that the way to improve the client’s market share is to put up a few end caps in the grocery store, away from the other beers and near party supplies like toothpicks to make it seem like it’s the fancy beer you serve at a dinner party. Duck and Pete seem skeptical, but insist that Don should sell that idea to the client. Elsewhere, Peg is getting henpecked by Father Gill, who’s calling her at work about getting her help with developing a poster for an upcoming church dance. I like how, when her desk phone rang, Peggy totally pretended to be her own secretary. That’s some shit I’d do, just because I need to feel important.

As always, Peggy delivers, and with a great headline: “A Night To Remember.” However, the church, in spite of throwing this dance in the first place, apparently doesn’t want its young girls remembering any kind of NIGHT. Because that is SINFUL. What isn’t sinful, though, are the outfits on these broads. In the first shot of them, I thought Peggy would sit on them, because the dresses they’re sporting seriously look like remnants of my Nana’s couch at her place in Florida. YIKES. So anyway, it’s back to the drawing board for Peggy, whose eyes are rolling backward deep into her brain tissue. I hear ya, sister: both as a copywriter and a Catholic. These pro-boner assignments can really tax you. And, no, that’s not a typo.

Fast-forward to the night of the SC party at the Drapers’. LOOK! It’s a black person! Oh, never mind, it’s just Carla, the maid. Notice how it seems as if there are virtually NO black people in all of New York? Doesn’t matter where any of the characters go – and I mean, really, was the REAL New York of 1962 THAT segregated? Even on the trains?

Anyway, Betty and Carla have really outdone themselves. The party is an absolute hit. Mrs. Colson (the client’s wife) is soused, and that’s when I remember I need a refill myself. But it has to wait: Betty seats her guests for dinner, where she’s prepared a variety of dishes from around the globe. I’m impressed, and kind of wish I could pull off something like that without having to call my mother, the local fire department, and six different carry-out places just to save face.

After she’s finished telling the guests about the menu, she points them to her drink area, where she’s purchased, without any prodding or mention of the product from Don, Heineken beer, which was “imported from Holland.” Don’s philosophy is correct, and the ad men share a laugh, which Betty doesn’t understand. They explain Don’s philosophy to her, and you can see the embarrassment on her face. This is where Betty realizes that she needs to stand up for herself, and as soon as Carla helps her clear the last dish,she goes to it.

WHOA. I have a newfound respect not only for Jimmy Barrett, but now for Betty Draper as well. And this respect only grows throughout the episode, because she holds her ground, even though Don refuses to admit he’s been skanking around on her. Which…bish please. You have a REPUTATION. In NEW YORK CITY. EVERYONE KNOWS. Don needs to stop fooling himself. And to put it away, seriously.

Now that she’s truly a woman scorned, Betty spends the entire day in her party dress from the night before, tearing up the entire bedroom in order to find proof of Don’s cheating. Even Sally comes in to ask if she’s okay. Those poor fucking kids. Don comes home to find Betty disheveled and desperate, and she tells him, “I would never do this to you. How could you do this to me?” AND STILL HE DENIES. I hate this guy!

So now that Joan’s got this groovy gig reading scripts, she’s really getting into her job instead of just the gossip surrounding it. She’s really great at it too, offering suggestions based on her newfound love of soap operas (her husband, whom we FINALLY meet, encourages her, almost condescendingly, to just stay home and watch TV. Seems familiar *cough, cough* ROGER). The clients are pleased with the new, streamlined TV Department, Roger tells Harry. Harry mentions that Joan was a tremendous help, which Roger waves off with what amounts to, “Well, that’s good, now she can get back to the steno pool with the rest of my eye candy,” and tells Harry to go ahead and put a new guy in the position, since the extra help has made such a big difference. Sorry, Joan! Better luck next time, which will be around 1990 or so.

The following evening, Betty’s at home watching TV when Jimmy’s Utz commercial comes on. It’s at this point that she stands up, takes dinner out of the oven (fuck that green bean casserole anyway, drive-thrus are where it’s AT in 1962!) and phones Don at work to tell him not to come home. “I don’t care what you do, but don’t come home. I don’t want to see you.” It is a beautiful moment in Mad Men history. So beautiful, that when I see Don settling in for the night at work with a Heineken, I laugh and head into the kitchen for a refresher of my own.

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

ANIMAL TALES

Reunited And It Feels So Goood! Lost Kitty Finds Way Home After 9 Years On The Lam

By Elizabeth C.

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY!

AND WE AT CRABBY GOLIGHTLY ARE SO RELIEVED THAT WE HAVE DECIDED TO AVOID DIVING INTO THE PARTISAN MUCK OF THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, skip the scolding of Kanye West and TMZ for their airport shenanigans, and forego for the moment sending our good wishes to Lindsay Lohan and her gal pal-cum-fiance Samantha Ronson.

Because today we have more heartwarming news.

Today our leathered hearts are softened by a report that Dixie, a 15-year-old London area feline, has been returned to her home after disappearing 9 years ago. This is the type of story that makes Crabby go weak-kneed; the perfect happy yarn with which to end the week.

Seems Dixie went missing back in 1999 and her owners thought she had been killed by a car. But recently some caring soul, God bless’em, telephoned the local animal shelter to report a disheveled, skinny cat prowling the neighborhood.

Animal rescue officers responded, discovered the calico kitty and checked for a microchip. Lo and behold, Ginger was a mere mile from her original homestead, and was quickly and happily reunited with owners Alan and Gilly Delaney.

The couple were "overjoyed" to be reunited with the pussycat after so many years, an animal officer told Reuters. Said Gilley Delaney, "Dixie’s personality, behavior and little mannerisms have not changed at all. We don’t think she has stopped purring since she came back through the door."

We are so touched! This is far and away a better story than the one Crabby has about the one-time neighbor who let her cat out while cat-sitting. Poor Sweetie Pie was picked up by the animal control and immediately put down. Should have had her microchipped.

And by the way: has anyone seen a gray and white long-hair kitty, about 24 years old, who answers to Spooky Monster in Greensboro, N.C.?

Crabby wants him back.