BRANGELINA

Here’s a Question For You, Ang: How Many Zaharas Could You Buy For $3,590?

IF YOU LOOK VERY CLOSELY, PROBABLY SO CLOSE THAT YOU MIGHT actually pretend for a moment that you are living in Whoville, you will notice that St. Angelina actually has two mouths in the above photograph.

There’s the obvious one from which the devoted do-gooder routinely spouts wise words such as "I had no idea what a difficult life was. It was as if someone slapped me across the face and said, ‘Oh, my God, you silly young woman from California, do you have any idea how difficult the world really is for so many people?’"

Then there is the other mouth: the broad, painted, pouty one that reigns in the real Whoville — Celebritydom — where Ang routinely sashays in front of the camera with children and Valentino bags as accessories.

From this mouth you can see Angelina’s lipped confession: Both child and purse are props. Because in a culture suffering from celebrity OCD, Angelina is both beneficiary and benefactor. After all, these are the rules of the game. She did not make them up.

Hence we have a halo-wearing Angelina frolicking through New York carrying a $1,795 bag on her arm along with beautiful adopted daughter Zahara, equipped with a mini version of the same bag made especially for her. That totals $3,590, a sum which would have allowed Zahara’s Ethiopian mother to keep her.

And so it goes. Like a snake eating its tail, La La Land symbolizes the eternal circle of celebrity feeding off itself.

This is how it works: Starlet A becomes a "STAR!" Henceforth, gets free things, wears them in front of paps. All the little people then salivate (I’ve got to have that bag!). Then "THE STAR!" pretends to do good by giving lip service to anti-poverty crusades. The designers are happy because their criminally overpriced bags are selling. The little people are happy because they can buy the knock-off and pretend they’re celebrities. The STAR then pats herself on the back because 1) SHE has arrived! 2) She gets free stuff and 3) Humanity has benefited because of her faux "spiritual" largesse.

Crabby admits: These are not original thoughts. So at this point she urges you to visit BagBunch.com, where editors-cum-wolves selling shearling purses and other bags have produced one of the most pointed pieces of commentary on the web. Check out all the A-listers carrying bags that cost more than what third-world residents can earn in two or three years.

The title? The Human Cost of ‘Poverty Fighting’ Celebrities Burning $600,000+ on Handbags! Or, put another way, as one editor did, "Help 11 Villages Out of Poverty or Buy a Handbag? F**k it I’ll Take the Handbag Yet Still Spout about Fighting Poverty."

Check it out. It’ll be worth your time! And, I swear, no free bags traded hands for this entry! Because Crabby is not a celebrity, is not pretty, and can do no one any good.

POP CANDY

Rumors To The Contrary, Pacman Has Not Retired to Philanthropy But Is Busy Spawning Little Pacpeople

IT’S SUNDAY, WHICH CRABBY NOW DEEMS ”SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL ARTIST” DAY. Today’s offering? The happy pixelated characters produced by the Chicago artist found at PixelParty.Etsy.com.

While other computer icons circa 1980 have been trying to solve the world’s problems, our beloved Pacman has stayed below the radar, raised little Pac babies and has started a cottage industry in Pacman jewelry. And isn’t that appropriate since Pac Daddy was one of the earliest examples of a ‘virtual virus,’ or a computerized "social phenomena?"

The result is the cutest little computer bytes you ever saw! The rings, pins, earrings and wall art can reach deep inside the most jaded, aging, materialist yuppies to remind them of a playful time of their youth.

Why not remind them of that side? Persue the PixelParty gallery, buy some nostalgia, and hang on a small byte of innocence.

And while you’re at it, persue PixelParty’s wife’s shop at Coo-Koo-Ri-Koo for darling button rings, friendly owls, dainty birds, necklaces, bags — whatever the hip urban kiddies would want! And remember: shop locally!

FILM

SexyChattyCatty: "The Happening" Makes Me Want To Catch An Airborne Virus

ONE REASON SEXY HANGS OUT IN TVLAND FOR HER ENTERTAINMENT PLEASURE IS THAT a lot of movies released these days are crap.
Sexy has vowed to never, ever watch a remake of a TV show on the big screen. Not even for, dare I say it, Sex and the City, which was an appointment I would never miss. And “The Office,” is the only scripted show that Sexy really finds sexy enough to watch, but even my lust for Steve Carell can’t make me see “Get Smart.”

But last night Sexy decided to turn off the TV, get off her chaise lounge and drive to the multiplex where I saw two movies: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and The Happening. (Full Disclosure: Sexy’s uptight offspring works at the multiplex so entrance was free. Snacks were not.)

My husband promptly fell asleep on Indy, blaming it on his meds. My diagnosis for the nap? The heavy dose of dullness emanating from the screen! And I’ve been a big fan of the series for years. (Crabby and I saw the first one together and loved it!) The Skull’s cheesy sets reminded me of the old Nickelodeon show, Legends of the Hidden Temple. The flick was neither fun nor believable enough to carry me through the shenanigans of Indy and his posse (I’m still snickering at the tin boat trip over three waterfalls.) The shout-outs to previous stunts in the series were amusing but, overall, I was really disappointed.

On to The Happening which takes place in my hometown of Philadelphia, so we enjoyed playing "I SPY" for familiar landmarks like Rittenhouse Square. Perhaps it was the stilted, preachy dialogue but I wasn’t feeling Mark Wahlberg’s performance AT ALL.(George Clooney is gonna have fun delivering payback, Marky.) At first I was mildly interested but as the movie went on and on and on, I decided I really didn’t care. The disappearing honeybees provoked concern, but the airborne agent generating mass suicide? That provoked more guffaws than fear.

This is definitely not one of M. Night’s greatest. I know it’s difficult to follow up a bone-fide smash hit like The Sixth Sense. And I’m in the minority who think that Unbreakable was better than its reviews. I found The Village okay; “Lady In The Water” passable. Generally, I love Night’s humor and the tiny scary bits. But, I’m sorry, this one sucked.

Here’s a callout to Hollywood: Stop stooping to the lowest common denominator and paying the same tired hacks for sophomoric scripts. And to the theaters: Banish the cell phones users! Ban the babies! Hire more ushers! I miss good flicks but these days I can’t even find a good reason to exploit my kid’s gig.

SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America’s favorite snack food.

OPRAH

Stop The Presses! Lock Your Freezers! Oprah Ends Her ‘Vegan’ Experiment!

IF YOU ARE AMONG THE SHEEP WHO HAVE CLICKED ON STORIES REGARDING OPRAH SAMPLING A VEGAN DIET FOR THREE WEEKS, CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM.

This is what passes for news? Let me correct you: this is example of the incestuous nepotism that America’s corporate media passes for reporting. You are being fooled.

At last count, Oprah has business ties with CBS, ABC, Oxygen, Discovery, the Food channel, Hearst Publishing, the entire publishing industry save Random House (that tie was shattered into a ‘Million Little Pieces‘). And these are the ones that are obvious. Not to mention the bumps she produces for the tabloids, the celebrity mags and the producers of her "favorite" products.

Now she’s expanding her power to the White House and will soon lord over the Lincoln Bedroom. Oprah does little without personal gain. So I congratulate her on risking the wrath of her audience for backing Barack Obama. Let’s remind the media to keep an eye out for the deals Mr. Obama will make for her when he grabs the throne.

Whether you think Oprah is "good or diabolically evil," she has every right to pursue any business or personal relationship she likes. It’s the media that has the obligation to connect the dots between her relationships. How can they fulfill their duty when they count on her to sell for them? Even the mighty New York Times has fallen victim to her wiles when The Oprah Winfrey Show cunningly renovated a cultural reporter’s home. The reporter, Jesse McKinley, was ordered to reimburse the show but was allegedly quoted a price by the show far below the market value of the work. This is the insidious way TOWS works. Curiously, you can’t find any mention of this moral lapse in the Times free archives. Curiouser still is that Mr. McKinley continues to cover Oprah-related matters.

Here’s a viewing suggestion for you: go rent Lions for Lambs for a crash course in media manipulation. Pay close attention to the movie’s last scene when Iraqi war propaganda ticks by in type while some celebrity’s hijinks commands the full screen. Then see if you can continue to read the news with your eyes wide shut after watching the movie. Here’s hoping not.

IN THE NEWS

Tired of Your Life? Outsource It For Fun and Profit!

UNLESS YOU ARE A JET-SETTER, COMMUNE CLOSELY WITH THE LORD, OR HAVE AN UNNATURALLY HIGH NATURAL OCCURRENCE OF SEROTONIN IN YOUR BRAIN, you probably are human enough to feel to feel the occasional existential angst of pointlessness.

Psssst? Wanna sell your life?

You can. Such is the modern apex at which we have arrived: where meaning, communications and commerce collide.

Meet Ian Usher, 44, who posted his life for sale on eBay, the package including a three-bedroom house in Perth, Western Australia, his car, motorbike, clothes and try-out for his job at a rug store. The wholesale dumping of his life came after what we can assume was a bad breakup of a 12 year relationship. How sad. What’s even sadder is that the story’s headline says Usher stopped taking bids at $2.1 million when he deemed the escalating price exceeded his life’s worth. Very sad indeed!

(Actually, not really, but you have to read the fine print to find out the real deal.)

Usher isn’t the first to offer his life for sale on the Internet. Australian philosophy student Nicael Holt, 24, offered his life to the highest bidder last year purportedly "in a protest about mass consumerism." Included in the sale were "eight potential lovers," so Holt wasn’t kidding when he said he was a Socialist.

He wrote at the time, "I did this because I was a little intrigued as to what exactly constitutes a life; a little intrigued as to what people want that they aren’t receiving from their current life; a little bit because I’m a socialist and was hoping to make a point that the amount and type of things that are for sale in this world is insane and wasteful; a bit because I was a little intrigued as to what makes me who I am and at exactly what point in this experiment will I lose it, if ever." Okay.

Another kook offered to sell his soul back in 2001. But eBay shut the auction because the sale didn’t include anything ”tangible." No, his name was not Dorian Gray.

Perhaps the best example of shilling one’s life is John Freyer, who became a pop sociology project when he sold his possessions on eBay in 2001 and then later documented and or visited the items in their new homes. Even Freyer’s domain name — www.allmylifeforsale.com — was sold: It is now a part of the ethereal permanent collection of the University of Iowa, Museum of Art.

Though Crabby rarely falls prey to the chest-swelling of prideful Americans, is Freyer not an example of America at its most ingenius? He turns a slacker life into a sociological project-cum-work-of-art-cum-book! He’s living proof that marketing genius is in our ether.

SPORTS

It’s Gonna Happen! Chicago Cubbies Kick White Sox Back to Southside

YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR: THERE’S SOMETHING DIFFERENT THIS YEAR ABOUT THE PERENNIAL LOSERS THAT ARE THE CHICAGO CUBS.

Living a mere three blocks from that sacred shrine to baseball Wrigley Field makes it hard to be indifferent to the madness that engulfs Chi-Town every summer. Typically, my only interest is preserving about six feet of cement in which to jam my Subaru as legions of fans descend on the neighborhood to spill beer and pledge allegiance to the home team. And when they’re not pissing in the bushes or yelling profanities in the wee hours, I can sometimes work up something close to sympathy for the sorry saps who’ve been waiting for 100 years for the team to win a World Series.

The last time the Cubbies took the Series was in 1908 against the Detroit Tigers. They’ve come close a couple times since, most recently in 2003 when I was paid to report on the frenzy from the street. I witnessed the grief of the fans when that cursed Steve Bartman earned the oppobrium of a city and an entry in Wikipedia. The Cubs were leading 3-0 during Game 6 of the National League Championship Series when Bartman tried to catch a foul ball with the team only five outs from reaching the Series since 1945. The Cubs argued for fan interference but umpire Mike Everitt rules against the call. And it was all downhill from there: The Florida Marlins subsequently scored eight runs, forcing a 7th game that the Cubs lost.

But that was then and this is now, and Sunday night the Cubs wrapped up their 3-game sweep against the White Sox, the team that hails from Mayor Daley’s side of town. As the Chicago Tribune reported today, "Ryan Dempster (9-2) remained perfect at Wrigley Field with eight-plus innings of one-run ball, improving to 9-0 while pitching the Cubs to their 14th straight home win, their longest streak since 1936. Dempster and the Cubs are traveling in a parallel universe, looking unbeatable at the corner of Clark and Addison Streets."

The crowd was rowdy as they made their way home through the neighborhood, passed pitcher Ted Lilly‘s summer crash pad just around the corner from Dempster’s digs. I guess I’m going to have to get used to the noise. For, as the true blue say, "It’s gonna happen." So to Lilly, I say, "Sorry I wouldn’t give up the parking spot." And to Dempster? I love dogs and thanks for the permanent souvenir! But a couple of tixs would have been classy!

POP CANDY

What’s The "Must-Have" For Your Disposable Marriage? A Flushable Dress!

CONGRATS TO KATRINA CHALIFOUX OF Illinois for winnning Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! contest to make a wedding dress out of toilet paper.

Chalifoux, 46, spent two weeks making her gown adorned with a raised flower pattern from molded toilet paper. Why bother paying hundreds to thousands for a dress you’ll wear for a few hours and then store for a half century?

Making your special dress out of T.P. is so much more ecofriendly, and guarantees that no stark reminder of an earlier mistake will be hanging around your house for decades!

POLITICS

‘New York‘ Mag Crowns Hillary Clinton Winner By Losing

TALK ABOUT DOUBLESPEAK. The cover story of the June 23rd issue of New York mag hails Hillary Clinton as the "patron saint of low-brow sinners." A historic, iconic feminist hero who ”won” by losing. That’s a load of crap, sold as cheap salve to those still tending fresh wounds. But losing is not the same as being a ‘loser,” as Hillary proved, if not so much to herself, then at least to her millions of supporters.

Now with Barack Obama flip-flopping on public financing of the general election, and with John McCain raising the specter of new nuclear power plants and offshore drilling, Crabby is adrift without a candidate. But as Scarlett O’Hara used to say, "I’ll think about that tomorrow."

The mag’s premature postmortem on Clinton’s presidential ambitions pointedly suggests that husband Bill is guilty of (perhaps subconsciously?) tripping up his wife’s campaign. It also paints Hillary as a better pol in loss, tough as nails to the end, and lacking in any self-pity. A woman with less faith would be feeling forsaken.

Author Thomas Mallon writes: "She isn’t a phony,” went the best explanation of Holly Golightly, “because she’s a real phony.” And now, thank goodness, so is that other transplant to New York, Hillary Clinton —- an authentic politician at last."

Here’s hoping she allows herself a good cry, and then fights her way back to the field next time. In the meantime, this sinner will be praying for us and her.

POP CULTURE

A Sign Of The Times? McDonald’s Promotes Going ‘Latte’

SCI FI BUFFS MIGHT BE FAMILIAR WITH THE MOVIE "The Lathe of Heaven,” based on a 1971 novel by Ursula K. Le Guin, in which whatever the protagonist dreamed becomes reality, sometimes with unimaginable consequences. I only found out the name of the movie a few weeks back when I went in search of the flick that blew my mind. Because the guy dreamed that there would be an end to racism, and when he woke up, everybody was gray.

I’ve been thinking about that scene during this most recent presidential campaign, in which everybody feels they need to "take sides." Who knew that having a successful black candidate would bring out such vitriol from both blacks and whites. Just stop by any comment section on the campaign at AOL, Newsweek or The Huffington Post and you’ll get a heaping serving of mistrust, suspicious, anger and outright racism. The fingerpointing is endless and tiring and, yes, sometimes even justified. But wouldn’t it be nice if it would all just go away? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all just get along?

So here’s a proposal: the only way to rid ourselves of racism is to promote interracial marriage. I’m thinking this is the wave of the future. And here’s my proof: McDonald’s likes the idea too. Because in a billboard not too far from my home promoting iced lattes, the fast-food monster with the megamillions advertising budget subtly suggests that we all would be beautiful if we mixed vanilla and cocoa. (And Asian and Hispanic. Everybody is invited into the mix!)

The billboard shows a cup of iced latte and hints at its origins: "If vanilla and coffee had a baby in Antarctica." Meaning mixing vanilla and cocoa would create this creamy caramel color, which Crabby thinks is actually so much better than the gray imagined in "The Lathe." And, speaking literally and generally, are biracial babies not some of the most beautiful babies in the world? (Yes, we know, every baby is figuratively beautiful; but let me make my point.)

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt‘s got nothing over Tiger Woods‘ gorgeous toddler Sam. Ditto Suri Cruise. And in my own family, one of the best looking offspring is a biracial nephew who is gorgeous, whipsmart and witty. (Russell, when are you getting your butt to college?) And, by the way, aren’t Barack Obama and Tiger Woods both ideal and timely poster boys for the practice?

As McDonald’s goes, so goes a nation. Would McDonald’s playfully allude to biracialism if its time had not come? Doubt it. If this is what it’ll take to eliminate racism, I say let’s dive in those muddy waters, even if we can’t foresee all the consequences. We are all in dire need of drastic change. And after we fix the racism bugaboo, we’ll have to figure out how to eliminate that other pesky problem called sexism.

POLITICS

Cutting Out The Middleman: Why Take Money From Lobbyists When You Can Funnel It Directly Through Elites?

AT THIS POINT, WE SHOULD ALL KEEP OUR FINGERS CROSSED THAT "THE MESSIAH" BARACK OBAMA CAN WALK ON WATER. Because we are going to need a divine hand in righting the wrongs of the last eight years. His ascent to the presidency seems preordained, at least according to astrologers, historians and even crooks and liars. Yet I can’t shake the feeling that Obama isn’t the man we’ve been waiting for.

For a campaign built on "change," the charismatic Senator likes his operatives old-school. By which we mean Chicago-style, quid pro quo, back-washing politics.

His chief strategist is political consultant David Axelrod, Mayor Richard Daley‘s elections’ bagman, who now serves Illinois’ two most powerful pols. Shortly after he lay claim to the Democratic nomination for president, Obama rushed back to Chicago to pay back Daley with an appearance at a rally celebrating Chicago making the final cut for the 2016 Olypics. As an example of Chicago politics, there were news reports that Daley had "invited" (cough, cough) city employees to attend the rally. More recently, I’m sure the relationship also had something to do with Obama moving his entire campaign out of D.C. and back to Michigan Avenue. Fundamental lessons: Paybacks are important in politics, and so is consolidating power.

Which is why it is troublesome that Obama chose Jim Johnson to serve on his vice-president research team. Johnson, former chairman of Fannie Mae, resigned from the post after he was fingered as possibly being a "friend of Angelo,” or Angelo Mozilo, the CEO of Countrywide, the biggest U.S. home lender, who reportedly gave Johnson and other influentials good deals on mortgages.

Countrywide shoulders a lot of blame for underwriting risky loans that contributed to the current housing crisis, and Obama has repeatedly denounced the company while campaigning. Obama has also promised to rid the country of such special treatment for the elite, but his lackluster record in the Illinois legislature does not denote a man who is willing to take the lead. You’ve got to have balls to stand up to influence-peddlers, and as of this date Obama seems only willing to share his bed with them. As far as I’m concerned, the Hillary ‘nutcracker’ was a compliment; as of now there is no evidence that Obama will be one.

And then there’s Obama’s bloviating about not taking money from lobbyists, but the disingenuousness of that policy is just evidence that he’s a lawyer. Obama has in fact built a money machine unequalled in politics with "bundlers," mostly fat cats, who solicit their private or business networks for donations.

According to the Chicago Sun-Times‘ Lynn Sweet, "Those at the top of the Obama fund-raising pyramid — people who pledge to raise at least $250,000 — get a gold VIP lapel pin with the letters "NFC" fashioned in the campaign’s logo." The NFC stands for "National Fundraising Committee. And in the same April article, Sweet revealed that "each of the 138 Obama bundlers promised to raise at least $50,000, and many are from Chicago, not surprising since Chicago billionaire Penny Pritzker is the national finance chairwoman." Pritzker is the campaign’s "money maven," and has her own questionable ties to the subprime loan industry.

Having Pritzker, ranked 135th on the 2007 Forbes list of richest Americans, is a signal to elites that Obama is open for business. And they have gotten the message and are getting in line. Even Rupert Murdoch, the man responsible for Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity of Fox TV, is sending smoke signals to the presumptive next president. Everybody wants to be on the winning side.

Having a black president is a milestone for the nation and I am especially excited about what this dream delivers to African Americans. But the question still looms large: What, other than "hope," will Obama deliver to his corporate bundlers?