Watch Out! The Literati Have "Jumped The Shark!" Now Can We Throw Out The Cliche?

IT’S CONTAGIOUS! OPRAH’S DONE IT, NICK DENTON’S DONE IT, TOM CRUISE HAS DONE IT AND SO HAS HILLARY CLINTON. Ditto Keith Olberman, CNN, Jim Carrey and even Sex and the City, the movie.

Who could have imagined way back in 1977 when The Fonz waterskiied over a shark that we would be perpetually evoking the image three decades later? (If you haven’t seen it, activate YouTube on this post’s ‘permalink!’) Yes, Fonzie was the man of the moment, hip in his black leather jacket and uttering his "Heeeey!" slanguage. But it’s three fucking decades after Jimmy Carter was president! And the phrase "jumped the shark" has never been more popular and in danger of losing its relevance.

Why now? Maybe its usage confers some underground hipness: you have to be really plugged in to know what the fuck the writer’s talking about.

Yet the constant reference is becoming repetitive and boring, sort of like when the least popular kid in class mimics the alpha kids. And no matter how widely the term is used, how perfectly snarky it sounds, aren’t there less cliched if not more clever ways in which to convey the same meaning?

The subject/show/celebrity has ‘cracked’? Lost their shine? Lost their mind? Become desperate? Gone mad? Deviated from the story line? Lost wind in the culture’s zeitgeist? Fucking gone daft! Gone "Britney?" Cracked?

Though that last phrase carries its own ambiguous meaning, at least it’s of the moment. We love the fact that there’s a "Jump The Shark" website. We just think that it should hold exclusive rights to the phrase.

Unhinged: Exposing Conservative Extremists Gone Wild

SOMEHWHERE, OPRAH IS LAUGHING. For her too-big-for-her-britches protege is caught at the center of a firestorm set by political extremists, American-style.

I’ll keep it short: Rachel Ray‘s latest pitch for Dunkin Donuts was yanked from the airwaves after two extremist bloggers claimed the scarf she was wearing in the ad signaled sympathies for Arab terrorists.

"The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad,’’ wrote conservative commentator Michelle Malkin on her blog. ‘‘Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons.’’

Malkin’s skewed view of a boogeyman wrapped in every headdress was promoted by Jewish advocate and blogger Pamela Geller, who wrote on May 18th that Ray was a "Dunkin Donuts jihad tool".

And if you buy that one, here’s the heads-up that there are throngs of terrorist sympathizers hanging out at every mall in America. Or perhaps, as the shrinks will tell you, sometimes a scarf is just a scarf. It’s overwrought conspiracies like these that cause political sympathizers to lose patience.

Imagining The Existential Angst of Pop Icons Post Their Prime

WHO WOULDN’T BE BURNT OUT AFTER ENDURING DECADES OF JINGLES, JUNK FOOD CEREAL AND CLAMORING KIDS?

And, surely, we all can understand that the increased demand for them after a session of weed-smoking only feeds bad habits? Not that I’m making any excuses for them. I’m just saying.

So now we know: Franken Berry, the Silly Rabbit, Count Chocula, Cap’n Crunch and Tony the Tiger are stoners. As least as imagined by the artist Rob Sheridan, who is selling this limited edition print at his blog.

Coming of age as they did in the post-nuclear era, is anyone surprised that these pop icons would be spent? Here they wear the solemn resignation of Gen X-ers facing the cleanup of the Bush era.

Where are the new heroes? Who will we call upon? Have no fear! We can all still cling to the naive innocence and the self-actualizing, capitalistic instincts of Spongebob!

Constituents for ‘Kids In the Hall’ Short Identified!

I FEEL LIKE I’M WRITING COPY FOR RIPLEY’S ‘BELIEVE IT OR NOT!’ APPARENTLY THERE IS A SUBCULTURE OF MEN (AND WOMEN?) WHO SO LOVE THEIR CARS THAT THEY FUCK THEM. Crabby is willing to venture that such auto-eroticals surely lay claim to sensory-deprived childhoods, vivid imaginations and/or extreme right-brain activity. The hobby-cum-fetish delivers alternative meaning to the term ‘joy stick.’ But every day delivers fresh insights and new discoveries about our world, and Crabby is rapturous with delight at learning them!

So here’s a man who admits he’s had 1,000 lovers of all shapes and sizes — each made with steel, leather and vinyl.

"I’m a romantic,” explains Edward Smith, 57, of somewhere in Washington state. "I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change."

"I’m not sick,” he adds, "and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference." And, yes, there is a name for Mr. Smith’s lust: mechaphilia. So little is known about it that not even Wikipedia has an entry on it! Or perhaps this is one big hoax?

So who are we to point an unpolished finger at Mr. Smith? Call him miscreant, deviant, depraved? Not Crabby! That would be insensitive. Interestingly, the comedy troupe The Kids In The Hall seems to knows a thing or two about car fucking. As one metal-mad mechanic in TKITH says, "Why do you think God put a brain in man’s head? So he could think about fucking cars!" When Crabby first saw this video, she felt really old. Not the men in drag, not the riff on menstrual cycles, not the cliched greasy mechanics, provoked even one tiny twitter. NOW I GET IT (though still not laughing). Doesn’t context mean everything in comedy?

"Mr. Smith" has lived with his secret long enough. Now he has found his support group to help him live with dignity.

More Fun Than Primary Elections: Astrological Predictions for President!

DON’T SCOFF: Crabby is among the minions who read AstrologyZone.com regularly, waiting breathlessly for the clock to strike midnight on the last day of the month just to learn what’s afoot for the next few weeks! No matter that astrologer Susan Miller always promises my upcoming days to be fabulously exciting! Or rewarding when, ho hum, they clip along at a consistently boring pace. But I can hope, can’t I?

And so it must be that Barack Obama and his supporters are keeping their eyes crossed that astrologers meeting this week in Denver are correct when they predict the Illinois Senator will become the next U.S. president.

Stargazers from 44 countries gathered at the United Astrology Conference to attend workshops on such topics as "The Moon: It’s Subtle but Powerful Impact," "Your Unique Way of Working with Time," "Finding Your Natural Mate," "Pluto and the Path of Regeneration," as well as "Medical Astrology in Action."

According to the Denver Post, on Tuesday six panelists during a discussion on this season’s presidential election foresaw the Illinois Senator winning "thanks to a Saturn-Jupiter conjunction spelling change." Allegedly the crowd erupted in approval. But then couldn’t we have guessed that these freethinkers would be liberals? Still, New York astrologer Shelley Ackerman warned, "There are things that are going to happen in the next couple of months that could turn the game into something different than we think it is right now."

Hmmm. Could Hillary Clinton’s practice of The Secret confuse the planets’ presidential edict? Guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Today’s Serving: Nuggets of Wisdom from Yoda’s Daddy

IT’S 3 O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING AND CRABBY NEEDS INSPIRATION! And there, right on the virtual pages of USA Today, it arrives. I don’t know who to thank more: the canny interview style of reporter Anthony Breznican. Or the wizened world view of famed director George Lucas, who sums up nicely in one interview all the advice you’ll ever need in a lifetime.

George, creator of Star Wars and all its cinematic siblings, must be getting up there because he’s starting to share his long view backward. Or else it’s his quid pro quo with the press for his new Indiana Jones’ movie, Crystal Skull. But in the wee hours, and because Crabby is aging fast too, it all seems relevant and necessary to share. Herewith are choice quotes from Breznican’s article without the clumsy padding of context!

On his father’s career advice: "He wanted me to go into his business. I said, ‘I’m absolutely not going to do it. He sold office equipment in a store. I said, ‘I will never go to work every day doing the same thing day in and day out.’ "

On raising his three adopted children: "Before that, I lived for movies first, and everything else came second. After my kids, my kids came first, and I dabbled in movies and worked as hard as I could, but it wasn’t a life-or-death situation for me anymore."

His Advice to Brangelina on parenting: "I was just telling Brad the secret is when they turn into the monsters — and you were a monster and impossible, and I was, too — don’t do anything or say anything to destroy the relationship. Bite your tongue and say, ‘Hey, whatever.’ I have two in their 20s now, and they do come back. They come back being well-mannered, intelligent people you can be proud of. But if you screw it up early on, you’re never going enjoy that part when it happens."

Career advice imparted through Indiana Jones in Crystal Skull: Pursue what you love professionally. "And don’t let anyone tell you different."

And more through the voice of Indy: Respect your mother. "Treat her right, because you only get one. Sometimes for not that long."

Finally, forgive your parents: "Parents try as hard as they can to do the right thing. They aren’t purposely out to get you. They don’t want to be Darth Vader. As Luke says, ‘I know there is good in you, and I have faith in you … even though the rest of the universe thinks you’re a schmuck.’ "

SexyChattyCatty: This Season’s ‘Idol’ Is A Snoozarama

EXCUSE ME WHILE I YAWN. I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, but I could care less which David wins American Idol. Crooner David Archetta creeps me out with his swarmy sweetness. Faux rocker David Cook is passing.

While last year’s competition generated an online betting site — complete with prizes — at the office, this year the Idol buzz has lost to crabbing about $4 gallon gas. The judges say the talent gets better every year but they lie to keep their jobs. Though Carrie Underwood is tearing up the charts, two recent Idols, Reuben Studdard and Taylor Hicks, have been dropped by their record companies.

I’ve now joined the rabble who watch for the wacky audition hijinks and flee when the “talent show” begins. Frankly, Idol sounds like a broken record. Who knew that Idol, which gave us the undeniable and uncategorizable talent known as Kelly Clarkson, would reach its high note during its first season? The producers at Idol haven’t learned life’s fundamental truth: that in order to survive you need to evolve.

Which brings me to this: The so-called "full figured" Whitney Thompson won Top Model! Of course that means believing that a size ’10’ is full-figured. And her title is tinged with scandal. Rumor runs that Ms. Whitney was scouted and asked to put on pounds to be this year’s “plus-size” model. Check out a much thinner Whitney here.

While this doesn’t mean chunky will always outsell sans fat, it’s a huge accomplishment in Tyraland, where models wear size "0." Out of gratitude, I won’t make fun of the "Tyra mail” that came on cards featuring Tyra as Mona Lisa. Her ego is getting as big as her patron saint’s, Oprah. And frankly, the world would run out of resources trying to feed the voracious appetites of two Oprahs.

SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America’s favorite snack food.

Ashlee Who? Pete What? Why Is This On My News Page?

GOSSIPS WERE ALL ATWITTER THIS WEEKEND OVER THE TRADING OF VOWS BETWEEN two California yokels by the first names of Ashlee (The Spelling is sooo Valley Girl!) and Pete. To which Crabby says: Huh? Don’t know them, don’t care. But in the general interest of marital longevity I sure hope they did the California equivalent of Catholicism’s Pre Cana, even if came while sipping appletinis at the Ivy.

It’s understandable that news outlets would deliver word that America’s favorite talk-show host Ellen DeGeneres is getting hitched to girlfriend Portia de Rossi now that California’s highest court has made it legal for gays to marry.

Also tolerable is gushing over the whirlwind romance and marriage between bona-fide diva Mariah Carey and her temporary boy-toy Nick Carter. Mimi, as crazy as she is, is "the most successful selling female artist in music history," and is barreling down on the The Beatles’ record of having the most chart-topping singles. (Beatles, 20; Mimi, 18.) Congrats to the lovesick couple!

All Crabby knows about Ashlee has something to do with 1) a nose job; 2) a bustier sister; and 3) lip-syncing. As for Pete, he sings or something? I don’t know and haven’t cared enough to find out. Which is good; marriage is hard enough when you’re true superstars. Let’s hope for their marriage’s sake the little couple stays below the radar.

Irreverent Sculptor Enshrines Oprah’s Dead Dogs On Her Faux Head

TIME TO PLAY HAUTE CRITIC!

Let’s spend a few minutes contemplating what sculptor-cum-celebrity skewer Daniel Edwards is saying this time: Oprah‘s gone to the dogs? She’s got canines on her mind? She’s queen of the bitches? Or that she just bitchin’ rules? Don’t fuck with her, she’ll let the dogs out? Or perhaps she’s mere mad hatter’s inspiration for the London opening of the movie version of Sex and The City?

Edwards’ latest 3D ode to O is subject of "Memories of Sophie and Gracie: A Puppies’ Memorial," which opens May 22 and runs through June 8 at the Leo Kesting Gallery in New York. A reception will be held May 22 from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.

This is the third time that Edwards, a native of the LaPorte, Ind., where Oprah used to own a spread, has tackled the Divine O in form. He’s done an Oprah death mask and the omnipotent "O" as sacred sarcophagus.

"Memories of Sophie and Gracie: A Puppies’ Memorial” is inspired by the Oprah press releases that announced the passing of Gracie, who choked on a ball last year, and the passing of Sophie, who died of kidney disease in March.

“To represent Sophie and Gracie together, joined in Oprah’s memory as they were in life and in Oprah’s heart, the artist depicted them as conjoined at the hip and sharing a common tail,” says gallery’s co-director John Leo. “Losing two beloved pets within a year is likely to take its toll on anybody.”

Oprah honored the memory of her two dead dogs in a show on puppy mills last month. But, David Kesting says, "given the natures of the demise of Oprah’s dogs, we feel the horrors of a puppy mill could be inconsequential compared to the poison hazards pets face in the home." “Sophie’s kidney failure may have resulted from natural causes, but we hope the Puppies’ Memorial will remind everyone that Gracie’s choking could have been prevented,” the press release says.

Not to worry, David. Crabby is sure that the dog walker who gave the offending toy to Gracie is persona non grata in Oprahland and is lucky to have knees.

Catholics Can Finally Sleep Soundly Knowing Believing In Aliens Isn’t A Sin

WHO KNEW THAT CATHOLICS WITH IMAGINATIONS had to hide this fact from other churchgoers? Apparently more than gay priests have had to stay in the Catholic closet: Until recently, Catholics who believed in aliens might have wondered if they were violating church canon. Now comes news that the Vatican has issued a statement informing churchgoers that it’s okay to believe in aliens.

"How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?" said The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory. "Just as we consider earthly creatures as ‘a brother,’ and ‘sister,’ why should we not talk about an ‘extraterrestrial brother’? It would still be part of creation."

Funes said that such a notion "doesn’t contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God’s creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like "putting limits" on God’s creative freedom, he said. What’s happening here? Is the Church trying to draw from the ranks of Scientologists?

But even more groundshaking is his comment that the Bible "is not a science book." He said the Big Bang theory is the most "reasonable" explanation for how God created of the universe. Whoaa buddy! Have you informed the Pope of this heresy your spreading? And if the church is broadening its interpretation of the Book, it needs to get busy spreading the word to a whole lot of righteous followers tsk-tsking those who don’t take it literally.

That the church is giving license to Catholics to think for themselves on the alien issue could cause all sorts of problems for it in the future: Doesn’t this risk having Catholics learn to think for themselves in other, more personally relevant topics, like birth control and abortion? If so, it would be a welcome change. Now if we can only get members of the Church of Oprah to think for themselves.