Oprah’s Big Pat-On-Her-Back

AS WE ALL KNOW, THE FUTURE FIRST LADY OF THE LINCOLN BEDROOM has a long reach, so long that she can reach around and pat herself on the back. She does it so often that her arms must be tired, what with the back-patting and carrying the world on her broad shoulders. So when the news broke that the once-and-future big ‘O’ would produce a show on altruism, didn’t we all know that it would really depict Oprah’s personal philosophy, solipsism?

Fast forward to air time when the reviews have been anything but charitable. The news agency Reuters reports that the show has "nary a single genuine giving moment" in its debut. The reviewer sums up the first hour as "a profoundly hyperkinetic and unwieldy adventure in product placement, in Oprah-as-Messiah hype and, ultimately, in what’s so utterly fake and insidious about "reality" television itself." And Newsday calls it part of reality TV’s trend toward "pathos on parade."

"You can watch, and feel sympathy for the real problems portrayed, and feel warmed by their being somewhat alleviated, yet still feel unsettled by their manipulation into some slick kind of strategy game,” writes Diane Werts. Strategic manipulation. Yup, that sounds like the Oprah I know.

The premise is that 10 people compete to see who can most improve the hardluck lives of their assigned charges. The contestant who’s able to pull their projects farthest up the ladder gets to win — ssshhh — a million dollars! What the Big Give does is show prime time audiences the often simplistic thinking and materialistic motivations of Oprah’s fanbase. Wheeee! We get to get free stuff, if we just love Oprah enough. That lesson has not been lost on name brand manufacturers, who donate anything from cars to bras to hear their products’ names spill from the Queen’s lips. (Sorry, Aretha.) Seems the "holier-than-thou" brand might prove not quite ready for prime time.

A Kiss ‘Au Revoir,’ Brangelina

NOT PRIVY TO THE INNER SANCTUM KNOWN AS BRANGELINA, I can only guess that the song on perpetual loop in their half dozen homes dotting the globe is, "We Are The Word." At the very least I am sure the song repeats constantly inside their self-absorbed minds. Listen closely and you can hear:

"We are the World, we are the children.
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let’s start giving.
There’s a choice we’re making.
We’re saving our own lives.
It’s true, we’ll make a better day, just you and me."

This insight comes to mind as news outlets report that the expecting Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have, "after months of house-hunting…have bought a chateau in the south of France and plan to make it their family home."

Wait a minute, wasn’t it just a few months ago that world’s most noble citizens had enrolled their eldest Maddox in a French school in New York? The poor boy lasted a month before he was pulled out and shipped back to La La Land. And wasn’t it just shortly before that when the couple bought a $3.5 million French Quarter mansion and told US magazine, "We love it there. The kids are going to go to school there. We’re really looking forward to it.”

And, of course, all this happened in between and around trips to Chicago and Alberta, Canada and Prague. And let’s not forget Vietnam, where they visited to pick out a puppy, I mean third adopted child. Isn’t that cute? They even changed the boy’s name, redubbing him Pax! And let’s not forget the world’s awaiting of the couple’s biological daughter "Shiloh," meaning "messiah." Angelina rented herself an entire Namibian resort so she could give birth far from the prying lenses of paparazzi, thus enabling her to sell the first photo of the blessed child for a reported $4 million. That’s one savvy missionary for you. These poor kids are so jostled around, but you can’t feel bad for Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh and Pax. Because I can just hear their cute little voices singing in harmony, "We are the world, we are the children…"

Does the word "overexposed" mean anything? All of this to say, bon voyage, Brangelina. Here’s hoping that your kids really find out what home means in France.

Elton John’s Got Britney’s Back (And So Does Daddy)

THE BRITNEY ECONOMY IS TANKING, THANKS to her daddy, Jaime Spears, who is keeping her under house arrest and away from the paps who were minting money as the star fell before their electronic eyes.

Gone are the snaps of her private parts, her ripped leggings, her messy hair extensions. Now encouraging news comes through polite commentary released by Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan, the best news being that Brit has seen her sons twice since this past weekend, according to People. Seems Kaplan works well with Brit’s daddy.

Meanwhile, a lawsuit claiming Brit’s civil rights are being violated by the co-conservatorship appointed by the Los Angeles Superior Court has been tossed out of federal court. Attorney Jon Eardley had tried to have the conservatorship case transferred to federal courts, but U.S. District Court Judge Philip Gutierrez sent the case packing. "Mr. Eardley had no authority to remove the case from state court. He is neither a party nor a defendant," Gutierrez wrote in his ruling. But Eardley has said Britney hired him on February 12, and that the last time they spoke the phone was taken from her, the phone then disconnected.

Jamie Spears was handed control of his daughter’s reported $100 million estate in January after Brit was hospitalized twice for poor mental health. I’m no big fan of Jamie and Lynn Spears, and who can say what is really going on in Brit’s house or mind. But I do think the dimmed switch of the limelight is a step toward her regaining sanity.

Even the media says it’s time to give Brit a break, albeit the mea culpa comes late, after the peephole has already been shut.

And more good news! The BCDL — or the Britney Celebrity Defense League for those new to this site — has a new member: Sir Elton John was quoted last weekend saying he’s rooting for the singer. "She doesn’t deserve this,” he said, although adding, "The only person that can help Britney is herself…As much as she’s going through, it’s horrible and I hope she comes through it. If I could do anything, I would." Here’s a tip, Elton: Flowers would be lovely!

Two Versions of the Same Story; One Bad Outcome

CRABBY REALIZES THAT THE AIRLINES ARE DESPERATE TO KEEP their on-time schedules, but this is ridiculous.

When Carine Desir of Brooklyn complained of breathing difficulty on an American Airlines flight from Haiti to New York, relatives she was traveling with asked flight attendants for oxygen. What happened afterward depends on whose version of the story you want to believe. Airline officials say she was administered oxygen after a three-minute delay; her family say that flight attendants twice refused to provide oxygen, and when they eventually did, the two tanks sought were empty. With Carine still struggling to breathe, relatives asked that the flight be diverted to a nearby city so they could get her medical help, but she died before the flight could land in Miami. This one is definitely headed for the courts, and only those on board know what really happened. But here’s the real kicker: after Desir died inflight, the airline laid her body on the floor of first class and continued on to New York. Why mess up your ontime schedule? Another delay just adds to American’s mediocre on-time performance.

Now you have experts warning passengers not to fly should they feel under the weather. In fairness, I guess if you really think about it, the family wants that body back in New York too to make arrangements. But a corpse lying on the floor of first class? It’s enough to make frequent business travelers imagine their future.

The 80th Academy Awards: Sex, Interrupted

THE DRESSES DID NOT DISAPPOINT, JON STEWART LOOKED DASHING, political zingers were kept to a minimum. The 80th Annual Academy Awards were positively understated, thanks in part to the lingering hangover of the 14-week writers’ strike. As Stewart said early in the show, “Welcome to the makeup sex.”

And like the best makeup sex, when both parties surrender to their need for the other, Hollywood seemed grateful to be celebrating at all in this year when “psychopathic maniacs” dominated at the movies. “All I can say is thank God for teenage pregnancy,” Stewart quipped at the top of the show, referring to the quiet charm of the movie “Juno.” The show opened with a flashy montage of movies from past and present, reminding the audience that the end product — the power and magic that is filmmaking — is bigger than all the egos in the room combined.

Let’s start with the winners in the “beauty” category. Presenter KATHERINE HEIGL looked scrumptious in a red strapless Escada gown and curled blonde hair that keen observers saw instantly channeled Marilyn Monroe better than LINDSAY LOHAN ever could. KERRY RUSSELL dazzled in a champagne strapless gown by Nina Ricci topped with diamond chains. NICOLE KIDMAN radiated in a simple black Balenciaga gown that showed off her baby belly and was the perfect backdrop from the diamond icicles hanging from her neck. The two JENNIFERS – GARNER and HUDSON – were no slouches in the Va Va Voom category either.

Looking a bit tired was CAMERON DIAZ, wearing a peach dress that looked like it was an 80s’ “Dynasty” castoff. And we’ll forgive CATE BLANCHETTE for her sloppy hair and distracting necklace, her being with child and all. HILARY SWANK looked pretty but was no standout in her black Versace. And DIABLO CODY showed spice in dangling skull earrings and a flowing, John Galliano leopard-spotted gown that showed off her tattooed lady arm.

The biggest wow of the night was when the little-known French actress MARION COTILLARD won for Best Actress for “La Vie En Rose.” There was no surprise when DANIEL DAY-LEWIS took home Oscar for his portrayal in “There Will Be Blood.

TILDA SWINTON won Best Supporting Actress for her role as a ruthless attorney in “Michael Clayton,” a win that Crabby actually had right in an an Oscar pool.

JAVIER BARDEM won Supporting Actor for “No Country for Old Men," an adaptation of a CORMAC MCCARTHY novel which took home the most awards. Directors JOEL COEN and ETHAN COEN won for directing, adaptation and best picture. The taller Coen thanked the Academy for letting them make movies, er, “play in our corner of the sandbox.” Check out a fuller list of winners here.

The most memorable lines were delivered by Diablo Cody, an exotic dancer-turned-writer who most of all wanted to “thank [her] family for loving me the way I am.” Marketa Irglova, the co-winner for Best Original Song, who was cut off from giving any thanks, was invited back after the commercial break by Jon Stewart. “The fact that we’re standing here tonight, the fact that we’re able to hold this, it’s just proves that no matter how far out your dreams are, it’s possible. And, you know, fair play to those who dare to dream and don’t give up.” You can read her full thank you on the BBC. And Alex Gibney, one of two documentarians who won for “Taxi to the Dark Side,” told the audience his father had been a U.S. Navy interrogator. He closed his acceptance speech by saying, “Let’s hope we can turn this country around and move away from the dark side and back to the light.” Here, here.

Weird, Shocking, Inspiring: Odds & Ends from the News

AT THIS VERY MOMENT CRABBY CAN’T MUSTER THE ENERGY to scold Kevin Federline’s lawyer for his role in Britney’s downfall, but suffice it to say that he’s no hero for his about-face in allowing Spears’ visitation with her two sons. Brit, when Fed-Ex signs for that reality TV show he’s chasing, sue to stop him in court for exploiting your babies. By and by, I’ve got to say that house arrest is working nicely for you: Someone is taking charge of your life and that’s a good thing.

A quick meandering through the news sites brings a few interesting tidbits to my atttention:

FOR INSTANCE, did you know that a ski-jump nose means you’re a spender? That narrow-set eyes means you pay close attention to detail? That wide-set eyes mean you tend to run late? No, neither did I, but it’s all true according to the study of personology, basically a modern twist on physiognomy. Today’s leading proponent of personology is Naomi Tickle, who calls herself the "the face reader." (An even more amusing site on the subject is of Tickle’s competition, where you can find the personology profiles of several high-profile celebrities.) The practice even has its own Wikipedia entry, which states the pseudo science (my word, not theirs) was developed in the 1930s by Edward Vincent Jones, a Los Angeles Circuit Court judge who noted behavioral patterns of those who appeared in his courtroom. Crabby has a ski-jump nose; no wonder I’m in debt! And the next time I’m late for an appointment, I’m going to blame it on the distance between my eyes.

FROM ACROSS THE POND, there’s the shocking suggestion that teenage girls be sterilized temporarily. The original idea was voiced by Government Minister for Public Health Dawn Primarolo, then seconded by the novelist Fay Weldon in a column for the Daily Mail. "We are moving into a science fiction age in which life itself can be created in a test tube, and it seems that, before long, perfect babies could be bred at will, largely free of hereditary disease and illness. So, in my view, there is little point any more in feeling shock-horror at the idea of mass sterilisation." The suggestion provoked outrage among numerous women’s advocates. Here’s hoping Ann Coulter doesn’t hear of the idea.

AND, FINALLY, a heartwarming reminder that if you want a true friend, get a dog, even if it means flying one home from Iraq.

That’s exactly what Marine Maj. Brian Dennis did with the German Shepherd mix he’s named Nubs. Seems Dennis’ acts of kindness toward a stray who subsisted off scraps near the Syria-Iraq border, earned him the undying loyalty of the dog, which had had its ears cut off, been stabbed by a screwdriver and had nearly frozen to death. Dennis helped the dog mend, but had to leave it when his squad headed back to its post 65 miles away. But two days later, Dennis turned to find the dog staring back at him. “Somehow that crazy damned dog tracked us,” he wrote home. The marine then jumped through bureaucratic hoops to have the dog sent to his San Diego home. What a guy; what a dog!

The New York Times digs, finds little to besmirch McCain

LET ME BE AMONG THE FIRST TO CONGRATULATE SEN. JOHN MCCAIN for leading such an exemplary life that the only dirt four New York Times reporters could uncover on the presumptive Republican presidential nominee is a professional relationship with a female lobbyist that some thought too close for comfort.

The Times story in today’s paper suggests that McCain’s "self-confidence" over ethics leaves him blind to improprieties, which in turn could make him unsuitable for the White House. "A female lobbyist had been turning up with him at fund-raisers, visiting his offices and accompanying him on a client’s corporate jet,” the Times reports. "Convinced the relationship had become romantic, some of his top advisers intervened to protect the candidate from himself — instructing staff members to block the woman’s access, privately warning her away and repeatedly confronting him, several people involved in the campaign said on the condition of anonymity….Mr. McCain, 71, and the lobbyist, Vicki Iseman, 40, both say they never had a romantic relationship. But to his advisers, even the appearance of a close bond with a lobbyist whose clients often had business before the Senate committee Mr. McCain led threatened the story of redemption and rectitude that defined his political identity."

If there’s ever been less stinging revelations about a presidential contender, I want to read them. The article’s unintended byproduct is a virtual endorsement of the Arizona Senator, even as it shows the Times‘s continuing slant toward sexist thinking. The implication is that men and women can’t have close platonic relationships, which of course is only true for some men and women.

Heidi Klum is Making It Easier To Hate Her

BY ALL RIGHTS, HEIDI KLUM SHOULD AUTOMATICALLY BE GRANTED MEMBERSHIP to the Britney Celebrity Defense League now that she’s publicly invited the Popped Tart to break out of house arrest and come join her happy home. As some of you know, Crabby has been keeping score on who in La La Land has been willing to throw a few words of support in the direction of Britney Spears. Now Heidi has announced she is ready to take on refashioning Brit as another of her projects. The little lost starlet is invited to come join the warm embrace of the gorgeous goddess, her husband Seal and their three wee babes in their Beverly Hills mansion. Which seems that Heidi should be a shoo-in for the BCDL. But Crabby says… not so fast.

Klum says that Britney "can call me and come live in our house with us for a couple of months." Which sounds like an extended lovefest. Until she adds, "I would help set her straight." And don’t we all just love to be held in judgment by those who claim to want to help? Isn’t that why we all left the church? After hearing that invite, I’m sure Britney is ready to jump right into those sinewy, Germanic, open arms.

Then the top model displays her claws again: "I am sorry when a young person gets thrown so off track. She has, of course, lived an extremely wild life."

Now I don’t know Brit, but I do know something about EQ, or emotional quotient. (And no, Crabby is not claiming to actually have a high EQ, just to know about what one sounds like.) When you’re down and out and dirty, you want the sympathy and support of someone who knows what the view is like from the bottom. You want reassurances from someone who’s climbed out of the muck, into a shower and back to some kind of normalcy. So, Heidi, unless you divulge that you’ve sobbed while crawling on your knees, high on Cosmos, and maybe a line or two of coke, suffering heartbreak and the worst case of acne that La La Land has ever seen, I really don’t think Brit wants to hear from you. I know I don’t. Better to call in Robert Downey Jr., everybody’s favorite recovered druggie, and a mindbending actor to boot, no pun intended. And, please, please, no matter what happens, let’s all keep Courtney Love away from Brit, can we?

Chasing the Epidemiology of Mass Murder

WE CAN ALL READ THE STORIES, ADD UP THE CLUES AND REACH THE SUMMARY THAT Stephen P. Kazmierczak was just an unlucky soul born with bad genes. We can shake our heads at the loss, the waste, the pain, and then go back to our lives knowing that the Illinois man who opened fire on a roomful of college students only became violent when he stopped taking his meds.

Yet the discordant images of the gunman leave us unsettled. He was "brilliant," "gentle," "even," "sweet," "soft-spoken”- characterizations of teachers and students who knew him in high school and college. But he also was kicked out of the Army, hospitalized in a mental facility, accused of self-mutilating himself. He recently had gotten a disturbingly violent tatoo inked onto his arm, and he began to collect guns. His brave girlfriend, determined to challenge the picture of a demented man, gave a moving interview to CNN because, she said, Kazmierczak "cannot be defined by his last actions. There was so much more than that." Of her boyfriend, she said, "The Stephen I know and love was not the man that walked into that building. He was anything but a monster."

There’s not many roads left to follow in this news story. The biggest unaswered question about the tragedy of Steve Kazmierczak is, "Can we ever truly know anyone?" And to that I say, ‘Good luck finding the answer." Mankind has spent history chasing that query. But here’s one narrower avenue that ought to be traveled: antidepressant discontinuation syndrome. What, if anything, does withdrawal have to do with Kazmierczak’s final crazy act? During a press conference after the assault, NIU officials revealed that Kazmierczak had recently become "erratic" after stopping his medicine, but they declined to name which one. His girlfriend told CNN that he had quit his antidepressant because it was making him feel like a "zombie," and while she denied he was erratic, she said "he was just a little quicker to get annoyed."

Yet the medical literature is clear: "Discontinuation reactions are clinically important for several reasons. Firstly, although most are mild and short lived, a minority are severe or chronic and cause considerable morbidity." Among SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) antidepressants, Prozac has the least withdrawal symptoms, while Paxil and Luvox have been associated with increased risks of withdrawal symptoms. In fact, QuitPaxil.info exits solely to warn the public about the risks of quitting Paxil too quickly. Dr. Peter Breggin, the best-selling author of "Talking Back to Prozac" who has become an outspoken sentinel on the risks of antidepressants, also has a page exploring SSRIs’ "induced violence and abnormal behavior." And one outdated site seems to have made it its business to list each individual associated with antidepressants and violence or suicide.

There’s few newspapers remaining that are willing to donate the resources to investigate big questions like this one. Here’s my hope that one will accept the challenge.

Love Lost: A Valentine’s Day Massacre

YOU HAVE TO WONDER IF THE UNLIKELY MADMAN WHO opened fire inside a classroom on an Illinois College Campus yesterday choose the date for his bloody mayhem with deliberation. Or was he in charge of his faculties at all?

On Valentine’s Day, a thin, white man dressed in black and carrying four guns suddenly appeared before a geology class with more than 162 registered students and randomly opened fire. Today he was identified as 27-year-old Stephen P. Kazmierczak, a friendly, likeable and studious graduate student at the University of Illinois in Urbana, Il. who recently became erratic after he stopped taking an unidentified medication. He previously attended Northern Illinois University, 65 miles west of Chicago, where the shooting started about 3:07 p.m. Thursday. Five students were killed and seven more were in critical condition as of this morning. Four of his victims were young women. The gunman then killed himself, putting him out of his misery. And the hunt for clues as to why he went ‘postal’ begins.

The gunman’s father, Robert Kazmierczak, addressing reporters outside his home in Lakeland, Fla., wept and beseeched the media to "Please leave me alone. … This is a very hard time for me."

It was the fourth school shooting in the U.S. this week. According to the Washington Post, "On Feb. 8, a woman shot two fellow students to death before committing suicide at Louisiana Technical College in Baton Rouge. In Memphis, Tenn., a 17-year-old is accused of shooting and critically wounding a fellow student Monday during a high school gym class, and the 15-year-old victim of a shooting at an Oxnard, Calif., junior high school has been declared brain dead."

The slaughter temporarily refocuses the nation’s attention away from politics and the madcap follies of pretty starlets, but our shock over such horrors is dwindling. This latest school shooting comes less than a year after Seung-Hui Cho, a senior English major, killed 32 people in a premeditated attack on the Virginia Tech campus in Blacksburg, Va.

The shooting was just one of several horrific cases making headlines in recent weeks, including the shocking killings of five women inside a Lane Bryant clothing store just 70 miles east of the Illinois campus, and the macabre murder of a New York psychologist.

The latest massacre temporarily breaks through the noise of our lives to steal attention. But in the background there is the constant radioactive buzz of the Iraq War, the ethnic violence in Kenya, the genocide in Darfur, the saber rattling of Russian President Vladimir Putin. And with all this in mind, I keep hearing Billy Bragg’s yearning for mankind’s great leap forward. Check it out, say a prayer, and God bless.