SexyChattyCatty: Rooting for Fat Models and Proper Brits

IT’S FINALE WEEK FOR two of my favorite snacks!

I don’t know why, after ten years, I’m still watching America’s Next Top Model. Perhaps Tyra’s silly antics and solemn intonations? Or is it seeing gangly teens and twentysomethings sling slang while attempting to capture the crown? Ms. Jay is catwalk coach and judge extraordinaire; Mr. Jay just scares me.

The most unpredictable thing to happen this season is that “plus” size model Whitney Thompson is among the three finalists. I’m hoping, Tyra, after ten years of saying there’s nothing wrong with plus size models, that we might actually see one win?

Then there’s Last Restaurant Standing, a BBC show that’s as tasteful as Gordon Ramsey’s mouth is foul. No swearing, no temper tantrums, no stripper poles, no Kardashians. Nine teams of two are vying to open a restaurant with the support of Raymond Blanc, an award-winning owner of a two Michelin-star restaurant. [Two stars? That’s the best they could do?]

The show’s tony vibe makes it evident that British producers obviously are a different breed than those at that other restaurant show: missing are the routine backstabs of Top Chef. In Britain, contestants congratulate each other and lend a hand cheerfully.

I’m not sure which I prefer watching more: Brits’ demonstrating their stiff upper lips, or Americans lunging for the jugular.

SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America’s favorite snack food.

New York Anchor Drops "F" Bomb Live, Needs "Try Saying" Phrases From H.R.

HEY, IT’S NEW YORK, RIGHT? DOESN’T ANYTHING GO THERE?

Crabby empathizes with NBC anchor Sue Simmons this morning, who had to issue an apology after a microphone caught her dropping the "F" bomb on a colleague last night. Apparently she was just reacting to a bit of incompetence and had the misfortune of getting caught on the air reacting. How embarrassing for her. Crabby understands. For instance, it was a bitch getting through traffic this morning, and God only knows how many verbal shells were lobbed from the safety of passing cars. But now Sue is gonna have to get fingers slapped by H.R.

If only she had had proper training by Human Resources. A while back, Crabby found this note on The Modern Gal, purportedly coming from a newspaper human resources department. There are those who contend the memo’s a joke and that this H.R. department is mere urban legend. But in light of Sue’s slip, it seems timely and relevant today.

Dear Employees:

Thank You,
Human Resources

Print it out, laminate it and keep it handy at work!

SexyChattyCatty: Weekends Were Made for ‘Sex, Love and Savage Revenge’

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SNAPPED? I have and I’m addicted.

It’s 12:30 on a Saturday afternoon. I decide to snack on a bit of televised junk food before running weekend errands. Channel surfing brings me to Oxygen’s Snapped. I really love these half-hour stories of desperate lovers with no recourse but murder out of love-gone-wrong. Are these people truly evil or just driven to crime? Is the series a "how-to" for those who flirt with doing in their own toxic partner?

Sad to say, these episodes are like crack to a true crime lover like me. One episode bleeds [pun intended] into the next ,and soon it’s 4 o’clock and I still don’t have my shoes on. Even reruns don’t deter me. Sometimes I think, “I’ve seen this one but I’ll just look at a bit of it to make sure.”

Danger! Danger! I know damn well I’ve seen it, but you look at it for the fourth time anyway. I disgust myself sometimes.

SexyChattyCatty will comment periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America’s favorite snack food.

‘Wired’ About An Idea Whose Time Has Come: Legalize Drugs

ADAGES ARE USEFUL BECAUSE THEY NEATLY SUM UP EXPERIENCE, and there is no adage more apropos to the drug war than ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions.’

Advocating the end of America’s drug war is nothing new. Numerous organizations have been founded and operate to help re-educate the public on the fallacy that criminal charges and imprisonment are the best way to fight a penchant for mind-altering substances. Today, a staggering one out of every 100 Americans is locked behind bars, some for nonviolent drug or alcohol offenses. Even police officials and foreign governments have waged public campaigns to loosen the public’s fear over drugs, and to lessen politicians’ dependence on votes from that faction. Many of us have experienced first-hand drugs’ hold on the psyche, and too many of us can point to wasted moments turning into wasted lives, all because someone choose to smoke a joint or pop a pill.

Ultimately, the worst thing you can say about the casual use of drugs is if you do them you’re stupid. Or neglected. Or bored. Or anxious. Or angry. Or sad.

Then there are those for whom drugs is a sickness. I know this because I had a favorite older sister who was a heroin addict, and neither the fear of cops nor of losing her two children was enough to end her craving. Note that I used the word ‘had’ such a sister.

America’s had 50 years of experimentation, and we’ve traveled full circle to where just days ago the raucous rocker Keith Richards warned kids away from drugs in a magazine interview. "Give it up,” the Rolling Stones guitarist said. I know the fascination, but it ain’t worth it."

Now, in the latest salvo against drug prohibition, we have the cool guys behind HBO’s critically acclaimed The Wire lobbying in favor of legalization. "What once began, perhaps, as a battle against dangerous substances long ago transformed itself into a venal war on our underclass,” the show’s writers opine in Time magazine. "Since declaring war on drugs nearly 40 years ago, we’ve been demonizing our most desperate citizens, isolating and incarcerating them and otherwise denying them a role in the American collective. All to no purpose. The prison population doubles and doubles again; the drugs remain."

A few weeks ago I was struck by an article in the New York Times on the rehabilitation of the pitbulls saved from former NFL quarterback Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennels. Vick, currently serving a 23-month federal prison sentence for operating dog fights and helping execute dogs, began his trek toward redemption by paying one million dollars to have 42 dogs recovered on his property retrained for adoption. These dogs, some mangled, others starved, still others so aggressive they will never be adopted, nevertheless each received a "Personalized Emotional Rehabilitation Plan." “The biggest job we have with these guys is teaching them that it’s O.K. to trust people,” said an assistant manager of the kennel. "It may take months or years, but we’re very stubborn. We won’t give up on them.”

I imagined how better the world would be if we treated violent prisoners that way. But surely it’s true that if we can save innocent dogs with rehabilitative love, ought we not do the same for nonviolent drug users?

The 80th Academy Awards: Sex, Interrupted

THE DRESSES DID NOT DISAPPOINT, JON STEWART LOOKED DASHING, political zingers were kept to a minimum. The 80th Annual Academy Awards were positively understated, thanks in part to the lingering hangover of the 14-week writers’ strike. As Stewart said early in the show, “Welcome to the makeup sex.”

And like the best makeup sex, when both parties surrender to their need for the other, Hollywood seemed grateful to be celebrating at all in this year when “psychopathic maniacs” dominated at the movies. “All I can say is thank God for teenage pregnancy,” Stewart quipped at the top of the show, referring to the quiet charm of the movie “Juno.” The show opened with a flashy montage of movies from past and present, reminding the audience that the end product — the power and magic that is filmmaking — is bigger than all the egos in the room combined.

Let’s start with the winners in the “beauty” category. Presenter KATHERINE HEIGL looked scrumptious in a red strapless Escada gown and curled blonde hair that keen observers saw instantly channeled Marilyn Monroe better than LINDSAY LOHAN ever could. KERRY RUSSELL dazzled in a champagne strapless gown by Nina Ricci topped with diamond chains. NICOLE KIDMAN radiated in a simple black Balenciaga gown that showed off her baby belly and was the perfect backdrop from the diamond icicles hanging from her neck. The two JENNIFERS – GARNER and HUDSON – were no slouches in the Va Va Voom category either.

Looking a bit tired was CAMERON DIAZ, wearing a peach dress that looked like it was an 80s’ “Dynasty” castoff. And we’ll forgive CATE BLANCHETTE for her sloppy hair and distracting necklace, her being with child and all. HILARY SWANK looked pretty but was no standout in her black Versace. And DIABLO CODY showed spice in dangling skull earrings and a flowing, John Galliano leopard-spotted gown that showed off her tattooed lady arm.

The biggest wow of the night was when the little-known French actress MARION COTILLARD won for Best Actress for “La Vie En Rose.” There was no surprise when DANIEL DAY-LEWIS took home Oscar for his portrayal in “There Will Be Blood.

TILDA SWINTON won Best Supporting Actress for her role as a ruthless attorney in “Michael Clayton,” a win that Crabby actually had right in an an Oscar pool.

JAVIER BARDEM won Supporting Actor for “No Country for Old Men," an adaptation of a CORMAC MCCARTHY novel which took home the most awards. Directors JOEL COEN and ETHAN COEN won for directing, adaptation and best picture. The taller Coen thanked the Academy for letting them make movies, er, “play in our corner of the sandbox.” Check out a fuller list of winners here.

The most memorable lines were delivered by Diablo Cody, an exotic dancer-turned-writer who most of all wanted to “thank [her] family for loving me the way I am.” Marketa Irglova, the co-winner for Best Original Song, who was cut off from giving any thanks, was invited back after the commercial break by Jon Stewart. “The fact that we’re standing here tonight, the fact that we’re able to hold this, it’s just proves that no matter how far out your dreams are, it’s possible. And, you know, fair play to those who dare to dream and don’t give up.” You can read her full thank you on the BBC. And Alex Gibney, one of two documentarians who won for “Taxi to the Dark Side,” told the audience his father had been a U.S. Navy interrogator. He closed his acceptance speech by saying, “Let’s hope we can turn this country around and move away from the dark side and back to the light.” Here, here.

The Moment Of Truth: I’m Waiting For The Celebrity Edition

IN THE CARNIVAL THAT IS REALITY TV, THIS ONE ACTUALLY INTRIQUES. That purveyor of popular American tastes, FOX TV, has introduced its latest freak show to wild success, thanks to the hawking of its main attraction, American Idol. Heretic that I am, I must confess that I may have watched one, maybe two, American Idols in its entire run on the air. So I doubt that I’ll be running to catch ‘The Moment of Truth.’ I have them every day in my own living room.

BUT…I can say that I’m already wringing my hands over the possibility of the first "Celebrity Editon." Can you imagine? The public could finally find out all sorts of truths about their heroes. The first one I’d put on the stand is the First Lady of TV, Oprah, and I’d tell her to bring that diary she always mentions that presages her next, great "dream come true," the most recent being a May 1992 entry about owning her own network. Can we see that, ‘O’ great one? Then we talk to her protege, Dr. Phil, and find out what he really intended when he visited Britney during her brief incarceration in the nut house. And was Oprah really mad at you for the visit?

But, oh, there’s plenty more to explore. I’d ask Tom Cruise, ‘Is Suri the human hybrid baby born with the alien sperm donors from the Church of Scientology?’

Let’s get Baaabra Walters up there and find out what she really told The Donald about Rosie before she quit.

We’d ask Britney Spearsto reveal if she is really in cahoots with the paps. And we’ll ask beau, Adnan Ghalib,’ Is Brit your meal ticket?’

And of course inquiring minds will demand to know of Tracey Edmonds, Eddie Murphy’s faux bride, "Didn’t you already know he was a jerk before your make-pretend wedding?

Finally, we could force Sylvester Stallone out of denial when we’d ask him: Did you really think what the world needed was another Rambo picture?

Let me know when that show comes on, and I’ll be front and center at the Tube.

Who Let The Fox Into The Nut House?

IF YOU NEEDED FURTHER EVIDENCE OF THE POOR JUDGMENT OF BRITNEY SPEARS’ PARENTS, you got it Saturday when gossips reported that Lynn and Jamie Spears invited TV’s pseudo shrink Dr. Phil to visit their daughter at Mt. Cedars Sinai Hospital. Confirming that Britney is smarter than people give her credit for, the poor little pop star apparently did an about-face upon seeing the shiny bald head invading her personal space and would have nothing to do with the so-called "television intervention" that Dr. Phil was prescribing for next week’s broadcast. I can practically hear the saliva dripping from Dr. Phil’s lips all the way from La La Land. THANK GOD Britney gave him the boot. Because that is the last thing that anyone who actually cared for Britney, that is anyone with sense, would want for her. Dr. Phil is sly enough to know that the elder Spears’ fit the profile of the typical sort who grace his studios: nincompoops who are witless enough to believe that Dr. Phil really "cares." Or even after all these years, who still desperately believe that having face time on TV validates your existence. W-T-F are they thinking? Daytime TV is a spectacle of dysfunction, and watching it a sport for the unenlightened. It’s what the Romans would have done if the had had television instead of the Coliseum. Britney’s daily life is already a manic grab for the spotlight, if only to fill the void inside her. And why is that such a surprise? She grew up under the camera’s watchful eye and knows that it morphs her into whatever people want her to be. Do you want to think of her as a virgin? Then she’s a virgin? Do you want to think of her as a wayward scamp? Then she’ll be a wayward tart. Do you want to think she’s a lesbian? Then she’ll kiss Madonna and make you wonder. Do you want her to be beautiful? Then she’ll dye her hair and wear it in a come-hither style. Do you think she’s losing it? Then she’ll cut off those tresses just to confirm the rumor for you. What Brit needs is TIME OUT. The question is whether Britney can ever believe she would be worth something without attention. Yes, Britney, you are. But only you can make yourself believe that; you have to stop listening to people who only want to use you for their own gain. That includes Dr. Phil. Don’t listen to the rabble who try to eat you and your young each and every news cycle..

The Sins of an Honest Actress. Or is that an Oxymoron?

TINSELTOWN’S SEXPOT OF THE MOMENT KATHERINE HEIGL is making headlines because she criticized the movie that made her a household name as being "sexist." If your memory serves you, Heigl stars as the E! TV producer who gets preggers while celebrating her promotion to on-air talent in Judd Apatow’s Knocked Up. Heigl critizes the movie in January’s Vanity Fair saying that the movie "exaggerated the characters, and I had a hard time with it, some days. IÕm playing such a bitch; why is she being such a killjoy? Why is this how youÕre portraying women? É It was hard for me to love the movie.Ó

Now the better-known, and probably wiser, gossips at Jezebel have taken Kate to task for criticizing the movie only after cashing her $300,000 paycheck she received for the movie. Come on girls, why does Katherine have to be the sole beacon of integrity in Hollywood? La La Land is a land of mirrors that only reflects back the chimera it produces. And we all know that pictures, video, press releases, and even the news, do too lie. In fact, during a brief foray into TVland, Crabby learned nothing was true but that saps are the only ones left thinking that honesty matters.

So Katherine is supposed to have, what, challenged Apatow to rewrite the script? And that would have gotten her, um, serving waffles somewhere on Hollywood Boulevard? As Jezebel pointed out in an earlier essay, the movie was painful for most women to watch. Not the least because the scenario the character finds herself in, pregnant after a HUGE promotion that most TV wannabees lust for. But because any on-air talent for E! is liable to be self-centered, egotistical, vain, anorexic, and wouldn’t be caught dead with the twit she ends up with. And yes I am generalizing.

The most unlikely of scenarios would be that such a desperado would give all her dreams up for…an unplanned baby with a loser. Apatow’s movie is clearly written from a boy’s vantage point: Even an average Joe can be loved by a hot chick who can look pass the love handles to their hidden charms. Yea, right. Knocked Up was in essence a fairy tale for boys. Cinderfella finds his Princess. Only in Hollywood does a story like this end up happily-ever-after. Katherine works in Hollywood. Why should she be held to a different standard?