By Karen Malmquist
THE MOST IMPORTANT BIRTH OF THE COMMON ERA IS HAPPENING: baby Lorenzo is arriving on Snooki & J-Woww! We’re picking up where we left off last week, with Nicole scared and in tears as she enters the final stage of labor. Her giant Miss Piggy eyelashes flutter in frenzy as she realizes that this child will not be born the same shade of orange as his parents.
Oh god, here come the tears. Nicole is almost done pushing, and everyone is in the waiting room with their ear to the door, sobbing as they hear Lorenzo enter the world.
When everyone goes into the delivery room, Roger marvels how cute Lorenzo already is, and cries along with everyone else. Jionni tries to come up with a word to describe the feeling of seeing their baby for the first time, but the miracle has left him speechless.
The next morning, Nicole and Jionni are in their delivery room with their families, and laugh about how gross Jionni thought the placenta looked. Apparently it looked just like a sting ray, as if ‘placenta’ doesn’t terrify you enough. Meanwhile, Jenni and Roger get back to their place and encounter a mouse that scares both of them. Lots going on for those two.
Jenni and Roger are getting ready to visit his parents in Maine, which to Jenni means being in the “wilderness” of the northeast, with no civilization and a ton of bugs. One might say it’s unfair of her to generalize Maine, but next week she is force-fed marinated bear testicles, which is apparently recognized by the state’s government as “food.”
Back at the hospital, Nicole and Jionni are getting mentally prepared for Lorenzo’s circumcision. Jionni is really nervous about the operation, but Nicole wants to keep the foreskin for scrapbooking. She also says she likes the smell of his poop and farts, so she’s clearly besotted.
Pretty soon they start buzzing in the nurse every 10 seconds for all of their baby-related questions. Lorenzo gets the hiccups, so Nicole asks the nurse if he’s okay lying on his back (he is), and then comforts him and tells him she used to get hiccups all the time when she drank wine.
Lorenzo’s now circumcised, and now it’s time to focus on the important stuff: can the baby wear hair gel? The doctor isn’t sure if this is a real question. Jionni then asks if, since Nicole eats a lot of chocolate, her breast milk will be chocolate milk. Sure, that may sound like a dumb question, but they say you are what you eat. Well, you lactate what you eat in this case.
Now it’s time for Jenni and Roger to leave for Maine, and they get up at crack of 4:30am to pack. Jenni rises with her makeup magically done, and she packs not only the essential Maine/ wilderness gear, as well as clubbing outfits. Roger can’t believe Jenni is seriously picking out heels from her color-coordinated WALL of shoes. It’s an entire wall. Like a wall of a rainbow array of shoes. It’s beautiful.
On the drive to Maine, Jenni falls asleep, and Roger needs a way to occupy himself behind the wheel. He decides to fart to get her to wake up, and then insists that he hit a skunk. Jenni laughs, but doesn’t believe him for one second.
Jenni and Roger have finally arrived, and they sit down with his parents for a heartfelt dinner about how much all three of them love Jenni. The parents say they can’t wait for them to get engaged, and Roger admits that he can’t imagine life without her. After all the mushy stuff is over, he throws on his too-small Spiderman onesie and hops into bed with Jenni, joking that he is going to “rob her virginity.” Charming.
After an impromptu photo shoot with Lorenzo, Nicole and Jionni finally get to take him home. When they do get in the car, Nicole sits with him in the backseat, and puts her sunglasses on him to protect him from the bright sunlight. They arrive home to find that their basement apartment has been transformed by Jionni’s mom into a full baby safe zone complete with adorable crib.
Speaking of adorable, next week we get to see how Jenni reacts to being served bear testicles for dinner in Maine. And I thought the placenta thing was gross.
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.