THE HOT & COLD OF MARRIAGE

Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Varieties Of Donkey Booty & Yamming It Up

By Karen Malmquist

THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE A STRIP CLUB to really test the bonds of marriage. On Sunday’s Real Housewives of Atlanta, the couples return from paradise to face trouble in what used was one of the strongest-looking marriages on the show. Could Phaedra’s donkey booty not be enough for Apollo?

Everybody departed Anguilla feeling weird about Kenya, but NeNe wants to give her a second change. She and Kenya get lunch together, since she wants to get to know this crazy lady. She’s super tired, so keeps her shades on during her sit-down with Kenya. They avoid getting into it about Porsha and jump into talking about Walter. Kenya insists Walter’s asked for her ring size before, but in NeNe’s interview, she says she doesn’t think Walter is that into her. Perhaps NeNe really kept her sunglasses on so Kenya wouldn’t see her rolling her eyes.

Cynthia and Kandi come over to Porsha’s for cake and drinks. They start talking about babies, and Porsha, who yearns for twins, tells them about her African yams theory. She clams there’s a village where 80% of the women there have twins and she says there’s some tie to yams. Kandi suggests it might be hereditary, but Porsha says they’re all different families. It confuses the others, but they laugh and Kandi says if it works for Porsha, she’ll double-up on yams.

Phaedra and Apollo meet with Kenya to discuss how to make and distribute their workout DVD. It’s all business as Kenya tells them about profit margins and distribution, and she manages to change their minds about a DVD -— it’s all about the immediacy of video-on-demand. She hands them a couple of her latest movie, which starred Boris Kodjoe and David Banner. Oh, and Kenya played a hooker in it. All of Kenya’s movies from her production company have gone straight to DVD, so she obviously knows a lot about the movie biz (but really, though, look up The Confidant on on YouTube.) She asks if the couple ever role-played before, and they shyly try to change the subject. Things are going great until Phaedra and Apollo start bickering about the actual workout for the DVD.

Peter and Cynthia go grocery shopping, and they talk about a rumor they heard involving Apollo and Phaedra: apparently Apollo’s been hitting the strip clubs lately. Oh, and people are saying they’re getting a divorce. Cynthia asks Peter if he’s ever been to a club, and he says yes, he and his friends go maybe once every six months. Cynthia is unfazed as Peter explains that it’s just an atmosphere thing for him and his friends, and she even says, “I really don’t care if you go to a strip club every once in a while, just as long as you’re not going every weekend.” Peter agrees, but says that Apollo is probably going more often because after being in jail for six months, he wants to look at something besides inmates.

Kenya meets with Walter for lunch, and wants to set the record straight about their relationship. She wants to know where they are, and tells him that she thought they’d be married in the next six months or something. Walter tells her he’s doesn’t love her enough to get married yet. Ooomph. Doesn’t he know she’s a former Miss USA?

Phaedra brings her pastor over to Kandi’s so he can bless the new house. Phaedra makes some very obvious hints about how she wants Kandi and Todd to get married, like, tomorrow. Then Phaedra gets pretty open with them about her issues with Apollo. Apparently some days she wants to kill him, and he never understands her, and he never understands him… Kandi, Todd, and the pastor look nervous as she just lets it all out for them.

Porsha and Cordell are sitting in their hot tub together, and Cordell tells her how much he loved everyone on the trip. He says all the men have been calling each other since the trip, and he seems excited at the idea of becoming good friends with them. How cute! He then tells Porsha that she’ll have to face her issues with Kenya head-on.

Cynthia is curious about both Phaedra and Apollo’s marriage, and these strip clubs Apollo’s been frequenting. She found out about the Claremont Lounge, thinking it’s a high-end joint. It’s not. It’s a dive bar full of sagging women with bad hair and no exercise regimens. No wonder Cynthia’s not worried about Peter going twice a year. She and Peter pull up a front row seat and order some food and drinks, and crack jokes about the aging strippers in the club. As the strippers are dancing on the bar, Peter shouts, “Please don’t hurt yourself!” and looks both concerned and amused. Cynthia admires their self-confidence.

Apollo and Phaedra meet them there, and they ask Apollo why he’s been hitting the clubs. He says stuff about operating on time constraints and doesn’t really make much sense, and then says he feels that since they’ve gotten married, they’re lost a sense of who they are. Phaedra gives him some side glances, but tries to ignore it by focusing her attention on the strippers.

The next night, Cynthia invites all the couples to a big party she’s hosting, and the men bond over shots on Don Julio and talk about Apollo’s jail time. Apollo tells them about his confinement, and how there was 16 months when he couldn’t even leave his cell. Again, this is great stuff to talk about at a fancy party.

Kenya arrives without Walter. Walter arrives a little later, and instead of finding Kenya, he first finds the guys and gets a drink with them. Walter eventually comes over and says hi to her, it’s a little still and awkward. Kenya’s obviously a little irritated. To make things worse, Porsha wants to speak with her. She wants to bury the hatchet, but Kenya calmly tells her that she’s fine being cordial, but she doesn’t want a friendship, or to even get to know her. When Kenya walks away, Cordell and Cynthia come over to Porsha, and Cordell tells her that she needs to let her issue with Kenya go and not keep dwelling on it. He’s a little tipsy, so he has trouble letting Porsha get a word in, but he clearly means well.

Cordell and Peter ask Apollo about the divorce rumors, and Apollo says he doesn’t know where they came from. Just as Kandi, Cynthia, and Porsha ask Phaedra for her thoughts on the rumors, Apollo asks to squeeze on the couch next to his wife. He says that he and Phaedra are like porn stars in the bedroom, and then they have a VERY graphic make-out session, with tongues going all over the place. It looks a bit like damage control to be honest.

Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.