WE BEGIN A THREE-EPISODE VACATION ARC WITH THE ladies on the scary little plane from St. Maarten to St. Barths. While everyone’s chattering away about rooms and views, Carole sits silent with headphones. She tells us she’s thinking about her friends, John Kennedy, Jr. and his wife, Caroline, dying just this way. Then, we’re in St. Barths, bitches, and it is stunning.
LuAnn tells Heather she hopes to see a friend of hers named Catherine who lives on the island. Heather’s not impressed. She’s not a St. Barth’s chick; this is her first time here. She balls in Turks and Caicos, a group of islands for the frolicking rich where they can also blow their money; it also installed American B-actress Lisa Raye as its First Lady a few years ago.
Upon arrival at their rental home, Villa Oasis de Salines, they are greeted by the owners and given a tour of the property. The amazing rental includes a handsome chef and a cute butler. Sonja see this as icing on the cake and gets to flirting. The house is unbelievable, huge and modern and so fantastic it leaves Ramona speechless. Ramona. Speechless. There are two heated pools, lots of outside terraces, everything is clean and white and just so fucking awesome. We see curving walk in closets and double outdoor showers. Carole tells us she’s giving Ramona the master suite just to shut her up before she even starts. Ramona’s sharing with Sonja, since they’re practically married. Luann wishes Sonja good luck with crazy in paradise.
As she walks with the owner, Carole finds out she stayed there 15 years ago. The property was much smaller then when her mother-in-law, Lee Radziwill rented it for the holidays. I’m sure it was just as fabulous. That memory, though, somehow makes it a little unnerving for her. Meanwhile, God, Ramona is off, talking a mile a minute, chattering about pool toys, clothes and anything else she lays her googly eyes on. Oops, crash, Heather, not paying attention, has walked into a glass door. We didn’t see the accident, but that’s always funny. Awww, maybe not, her nose is swollen but probably not broken. Ok, hahahahahahaha.
Ramona and Sonja order pink champagne from the chef to sip in the pool. Soon everybody is wet. Carole takes this moment of togetherness to let them know that her boyfriend, Russ, will be visiting after dinner. Everybody seems fine with it. Remember that.
OMG, there is a fucking vending machine that dispenses WINE. Carole says Sonja and Ramona’s eyes light up as soon as they see it. So do mine. While the butler takes wine orders, Sonja compares everyone’s breasts to the size of whatever glass is in his hand. When she says Ramona has big breasts, Ramona corrects her to say she has perfect breasts. Sonja says if your breasts don’t fit into a wine glass you may have too much. Or all you need is a wine glass full of breasts. Something like that.
Talk, as it does with women, turns to men, as Sonja attempts to bring everyone down with tales of her dearly departed hubby and how it was St. Bart’s with him and now it’s St. Bart’s without him. And it’s his loss, damn it. Can you believe he dumped this prize? I love you Sonja, but I could not be married to you.
Then she chases everyone away from the table but gets into with Heather about the toaster over shoot. Ramona tries to break in but Heather tells her that it’s about Sonja. When Ramona hears Sonja insist that Heather didn’t listen to her, Ramona can’t hold her tongue. She wags her finger at Heather because she KNOWS this is true. We all know that’s her main complaint about Heather. LuAnn can’t take it, after all, it’s their first day on the island. She walks away, she’s heard enough. Carole follows her and is not keen to see Ramona right behind her.
Meanwhile, back at the table, Heather and Sonja go head to head, spoiling the first night of their vacation. But they eventually end up smiling, when Sonja tells Heather the creative director, James, was gay. And Heather says no, he is not. They both find this amusing. I guess Sonja was annoyed to have to tone down her flirting believing he was gay.
When Russ arrives, Carole is a bit wary of introducing him to what she tells him are, “these crazy bitches who are always fighting.” But everyone puts on their best faces and Ramona goes on and on, telling him how much they adore Carole. Sonja, who also adores Carole, still starts flirting with her boyfriend until he tells her “you girls have been around some wine.” They pepper him with questions which he handles with as ease as laid back as Carole. They continue to extoll Carole’s virtues, embarrassingly so. He tells Sonja it seems he’s competing with the girls for Carole’s affections. With this LuAnn says it’s time for coffee and the ladies leave Carole and Russ at the table. Sonja starts flirting with the butler.
Breakfast is in bathing suits. Sonja tells us that each Housewife will plan a day of the vacation and today is her day. While having drinks on the beach, they quiz Carole on when Russ left the house and wonder what he thought of them. Then Ramona turns petulant and asks aloud why Mario can’t come. She says she should ask him down, along with Jacques. Just yesterday it was cool that Russ would stop by. Remember? Only Sonja understands saying “her boyfriend travels the world,” and that they finally got a chance to see each other after five months. Sheesh. Carole tells them she’s always alone while they have their husbands and she doesn’t complain; so they need to SHUT IT.
Sonja’s choice for sunbathing is the Tom Beach Hotel. As the group sits at an outdoor table sipping drinks, Sonja and Ramona continue to ask more questions about Russ. Carole tells us it was like introducing him to two crazy aunts. Then Sonja makes jokes about Russ “going down” on her (Carole). O… K, let’s go to the beach. As they sit in the sun, primping and pimping, some guys send over banana rum shots. As Carole and Ramona decide to check out the water, Sonja tells LuAnn how great Carole’s ass is and says, “no wonder George Clooney did her for a year.” Whaaaaaa? A princess, daughter-in-law of Lee Radziwill, dated George Clooney, never fights with anyone. There are no words. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me she played basketball with Obama.
Time for clubbing!!!!! It’s off to Le Ti, St. Bart’s most happening bar. Sonja tells us the ladies will have the time of their lives. Ramona and Sonja, always animated, start partying in their room, dancing and clowning and bumping into each other. When they arrive at the restaurant/bar, Carole Grunson, the owner, greets Sonja with a big hug. Sonja declares it her “home away from home.” As they walk in all eyes immediately land on a guy dressed in black, wearing a Mad Hatter top hat. His name is Toma, and he looks EXACTLY like Johnny Depp. Fine.
Sonja is just so happy. She tells us that she got to walk in first, and we know how much that means to her, being so short and always being overshadowed by the taller gals. Toma is very attentive to her and she’s loving it. She tells the girls that their hostess, Carole, is canoodling with Toma at the moment. The ladies are intrigued even more when Sonja tells them that Carole’s been with lots of handsome guys and they’re all really good in bed. How she knows, I won’t ask.
They begin the night with strong tequila shots, brought to them with a sparkler on the side. Soon the music starts and they start chair dancing. There’s a fashion show which I think is to showcase furs but which looks more like it’s featuring asses. Ramona and Heather dance to the stage to wiggle around for the crowd, after which there’s a smoky burlesque number.
Toma asks the group if they want to be in the show and they all agree immediately. He takes them backstage and they change into pirates with hats, swords and really short flippy skirts. They start off dancing on tables, as is customary at the club. When Sonja tells us that the table patrons are “really getting a show… o
r no show,” I think that means she is pantyless. I think some people may be snickering at them. LuAnn stand slightly apart, then follows Toma to the bar while the other ladies move from dancing on the tables to the stage. I think LuAnn is asking Toma for drinks and flirting with him by telling him that she’s an Indian and he shouldn’t fuck with her. Charming.
They’re all in bad shape the next morning, of course. Carole and Heather left LuAnn, Ramona and Sonja at the party and went home to bed. Now, when LuAnn tells Heather she met a group of Italian friends of hers last night, Heather looks quizzical. Heather tells us LuAnn didn’t come home with the group. Ramona tells us she heard LuAnn talking with a man. Then Heather tells Carole that she heard LuAnn talking to a man. Carole jumps up laughing. Ooooooooh.
Still in a hazy drunken fog, everyone wanders around the kitchen, Sonja wearing sunglasses indoors. As LuAnn tries to call Jacques, she tells Ramona she got home around 3 a.m. Carole tells us that she was awoken in the night but two men’s voices — that “one was LuAnn’s and the other was a French guy.” Ha. It seems everyone knows that she wasn’t with a group of Italians; she was with Toma, the top hat Johnny Depp guy, who speaks French.
This new situation makes Heather uncomfortable; she likes Jacques. LuAnn shows the ladies photos from last night, staring intently, still mesmerized by how much Toma looked like Johnny Depp. Meanwhile Heather and Carole are Skyping with Aviva. It seems the ladies’ departures made her sad, so she is coming to St. Barts after all. With Reid, of course. Heather tells her to get ready because everything on the island is conducive to sex. When they tell the others, Ramona immediately asks “with or without Reid.”
As Sonja gets her hair done, Carole and Ramona talk about LuAnn bringing a man home. Sonja says it’s a small island so LuAnn doesn’t have to tell them who she brought home, they’ll find out. Then Sonja and Ramona start to bitch about Reid coming to what’s supposed to be a girls weekend. They want Reid to stay at a hotel. Are they fucking kidding? Carole offers to tell her not to come but they say, oh, no, no, don’t do that.
When LuAnn joins them Ramona continues her rant, saying it’s not a girls trip anymore. LuAnn agrees the dynamic will change. Sonja takes this opportunity to cheekily nudge LuAnn, telling her she hears LuAnn brought a man home last night. Luann acts totally clueless and insists it was a group of men… and women and they were Italian. Heather tells us if LuAnn is going to continue this story it’s going to make her so uncomfortable, but she is not going to lie and say she didn’t hear a man there.
Later, on one of the wide terraces, we see LuAnn, alone and on the phone. She’s speaking French to her friend Cat, telling her that under no circumstances can Toma say he was with her last night. She doesn’t want the girls to know he was there; it’s a problem. She ends with Merci. Inside, Heather, apparently able to overhear, looks like she wishes she had paid more attention in French class.
The ladies are having a soiree of their own and have invited many from the island. As they chat before the guests arrive, LuAnn keeps up her story. Carole wonders why LuAnn didn’t say her group was French since everyone clearly heard French being spoken. But guests are arriving and the first are LuAnn’s friend, Cat, and Toma. Dum dum dum daaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Heather thinks this is unfortunate for LuAnn, as Toma sits down right next to her and compliments her on her fluent French.
Trisha B. covers the Real Housewives of New York for Crabby Golightly. Follow her on Twitter at TrishaBTV.