By Karen Malmquist
TONIGHT’S THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLs is mostly foreplay as the ladies prepare to wrap their legs around hard rods of steel. Brandi happily shoves slimy food down Kyle’s throat, while Adrienne only shows up briefly to shower five seconds of negativity. How long will the good feelings last?
Yolanda has her dear friend Suzanne Somers over to teach Kyle and Lisa about health and Bellinis. “Why not embrace aging, let’s just hold onto it gracefully,” Yolanda encourages. Kyle says she didn’t know she’d be having lunch with Chrissy Snow, but Lisa hasn’t seen Three’s Company and doesn’t get the reference. Suzanne takes 40 vitamins a day and plans on living to be 110, and Lisa doesn’t get that, either. She doesn’t like the idea of a 110-year-old having a sex life.
Brandi attends a pole dancing class to get ready for the upcoming Vegas Trip, since it’ll involve some “empowering pole exercise.” At least she’s admitting that this class will help her be financially independent.
Kyle throws a big lunch event for Sophia’s elementary school graduation, but of course with Adrienne and Paul in attendance, the conversation is bound to involve Brandi. Luckily they have to leave early, so we’re not stuck hearing the same old story about how upset they are. We see them frown with each other and bicker over spoons before they decide it’s time to hightail it out of there.
Now that Paul and Adrienne are gone, the touchy-feely family stuff begins. The only downer is that Kim isn’t here. Everyone gives heartfelt speeches and shed tears. I think Faye Resnick’s eyebrows move for a split-second.
Kim skips out on Sophia’s party and goes through old family pictures with her male housekeeper, whom she discusses her plan to get her nose done. The housekeeper smiles politely, sadly realizing that his life will never get better than this.
Marisa’s getting help packing from her mom. “That’s a boondock type of dress,” she admonishes, urging to leave it home. Apparently Marisa’s suddenly a Housewife and gets to have scenes by herself? Not even Brandi got to do that last season. Anyway, Marisa’s mother doesn’t like Marisa’s clothing choices, and then tries to invite herself on the trip.
Suddenly all the ladies are in a limo in Vegas and on their way to the Four Seasons. Brandi’s got her friend Jen with her as her right-hand man, and hopes the other wives will see another side of her on this trip. We predict we’ll see the same Brandi eight feet high up on a stripper’s pole.
Back in Beverly Hills, Yolanda has a lovely outdoor dinner ready for David when he comes home. She’s well aware that she needs to keep her meal ticket happy. “Men love beautiful women, and they’ll fu*k your husband for a Chanel bag,” she warns. David doesn’t come armed with a Chanel bag, but the two do share a sold two minutes watching the sunset together.
The Vegas crew heads out to dinner, and it’s obvious that Brandi is a little nervous about impressing everyone, based on how shaky she is with ordering the wine. Kyle tells her not to worry about the wine choice for the table, and that she’s not buying a house here.
After the drinks arrive, Brandi explains that she’s really trying to pick up the pieces in her life after having a couple years of being a “train wreck.” Everyone starts to open up about love and insecurities, and Kyle says she really likes this “softer side” of Brandi. Brandi jokingly says, “Great, let’s make-out!” and the whole table laughs.
Brandi orders oysters for the table, but Kyle is too freaked out to try one. She says it reminds her too much of lady parts, but everyone pressures her into letting Brandi feed her one. It doesn’t go well for Kyle, who says it’s like eating something on Fear Factor, and chases it with a giant sip of her drink. Brandi asks how she likes oysters, and she says with a wink she prefers hot dogs.
Brandi says how excited she is for the trip to really get started, and that she really can’t wait to see Lisa pole dance. Lisa insists that she won’t be hitting the pole, but Kyle says she has to.
The next day, Yolanda lands in Vegas and joins the ladies outside by the pool. She orders a drink called “carrot with spinach juice,” which looks gross and is served in a wine glass. Lisa looks horrified, and Yolanda tells her to take a sip. Like a normal human being, Lisa doesn’t like it at all.
It’s time for “Night School for Girls,” the pole dancing and burlesque class Brandi’s hosting. She seems nervous again when giving her practice speech to the ladies, so it’s good that this is only a dry run for when the real class starts. After fumbling over the speech, everyone encourages her to speak from the heart. “You need to empower yourself and find your inner sexy,” says Lisa. Brandi takes the advice and begins embracing the pole like it was a nine in the bedroom.
The next week, Kim goes into surgery, and all hell breaks loose in Vegas when the ladies start arguing. Surprisingly, Brandi seems to have nothing to do with the drama, and it’s Camille who goes at it with Yolanda and Lisa. Hmm…
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Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.