NEW YEAR PROMISES COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES. As the calendar flips back to one, many of us mere mortals feel a renewed sense of hope, of possibility, of a second chance for luck and love. Some of us may simply want to drop 20 pounds; others the proverbial ball and chain clamped to our ankles. For celebrities, the new year is time to strategize on updated images and fresh hairdos, meeting new beaus and making botox appointments. They wonder aloud and to themselves: How can we keep the limelight on us?
With the New York Times’ review of the year of the "train wreck" in mind, here are some headlines we predict we could end up reading in 2008. In the meantime, we hope to see ya in the New Year!
Britney Elopes to Las Vegas With Jamie Lynn’s Baby’s Daddy!
What else could smear the Spears’ family name more than an intra-family love triangle? Then Jerry Springer could book the whole lot and we could watch fists fly!
Lindsay Lohan Exposed!
Ex-Boyfriend lets out secret that starlet sleeps naked on back with legs and arms outstretched; shakes her leg when her tummy is scratched. Reveals himself to be a real DOG.
Drunken Brawl Breaks Out Between Ex-Hollywood "He Men"!
Mel Gibson and David Hasselhoff caught in an alcohol-fueled dust-up over who made a bigger ass of himself while plastered.
Cannibalism Caught On Tape!
TMZ.com shows video of paparazzi feasting on themselves outside hospital where Britney’s baby sister Jamie gives birth to a bouncy baby boy.
Paris Reveals Her Favorite Sex Partner!
Celebutante confides she gives herself the best orgasms; promises to catch future romps with self on video for release to the masses.
Sarah Silverman Unmasked!
Supposed comic actress is really Jimmy Kimmel in drag. "I wanted to get in touch with both my feminine and unfunny side," Kimmel confessed.
The Secret’s Out! Oprah and Letterman give birth to their "Love-Hate" child.
Both Dr. Phil and Senator Obama weep with (relief and) joy at the news.