DOGGONE REALITY TV

The Title Should Be Dogs & Doofuses In The City

By Karen Malmquist

AFTER A DECADE OF AIRING cheesy crime shows and worse sitcoms, CBS literally went to the dogs on Wednesday night.

Dogs in the City introduces us to Justin Silver, a dog whisperer who’s worked with the pampered pooches of New York’s high-heeled for more than a decade. And what we learn first and foremost: some New Yorkers have too many dollars and too little sense.

Remember Beefy, the skateboarding bulldog that captured the hearts of America? Well, his owner Patrick’s new wife Erin is not under the spell. She believes Beefy is putting a wedge between their love, and friends make “jokes” about it. The dog needs to be with Patrick so much that he will bark at the couple while they’re sleeping.

Then there’s Ellie Frank, talent agent. She brings her overly-aggressive dog Charlotte into work, and doesn’t blink when the dog attacks her models and employees. Justin takes Charlotte out for a walk for a one-on-one tete a tete and learns that Ellie’s the problem. No kidding.

We also meet Rosie from the Upper East Side, owned by Greg and his 9-year-old daughter Allie, who worry the pooch is too fat. She’s a very heavy dog, but seems to be really well-behaved. Oops — that’s not enough drama for TV.

We return to Beefy’s place, where Justin talks to Patrick about his relationship with the dog. Patrick treats Beefy less like a dog and more like a wife, so it’s no wonder the dog doesn’t like Erin. Justin puts up a baby gate between two of the rooms to separate Patrick and Beefy. Beefy’s not happy and starts barking, so Justin gives him a treat and says to let Beefy just bark it out until he stops. Not so tough without your skateboard, huh, Beefy?

Then Justin informs Charlotte that she cannot bring the dog back into the office. He tethers Charlotte to a table so she can be somewhat controlled, and asks one of the models to bring her dog in to see how Charlotte behaves.

Justin and Rosie’s family take the dog to the vet to get her checked. They learn that Rosie is actually an ideal weight, but that she needs to stay away from the strangers who give her food. Justin takes Allie out to the park to practice and Rosie listens to Justin’s commands right away, making her a million times easier to deal with than Beefy and Charlotte. Greg shows up to thank Justin for all of his help. These people were so pleasant and easily to work with that it’s surprising they made it in the episode.

The only way Erin can get Beefy to walk with her is to bring a giant exercise ball with her, which Justin is surprised to see when he meets her at the park. First, Justin throws out Beefy’s leash and puts on a harness that will make it possible for him to cooperate. Apparently the training works, because later, Erin throws a birthday party on the apartment roof and invites Justin to show him the progress she’s made with Beefy.

We never return to Ellie’s story, so one can only guess that everything worked out with Charlotte and the poor models and slightly less important interns she endangered.

Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.