By Karen Malmquist
WHY IS ADRIENNE MALOOF’S BODY LEAVING UNSIGHTLY STAINS on people’s couches? On Monday’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, a mansion catches on fire, Adrienne soils furniture, and Taylor takes off to parts unknown in a plane with a strange man while oblivious to her daughter’s whereabouts. You know, relatable life events.
Kim is throwing a daytime party for the ladies to debut her new nose, and to thank them for being so supportive of her newfound sobriety. Kyle and Faye arrive with Portia and Taylor’s daughter, Kennedy. Taylor’s supposed to come by the party later. However, she calls Kyle and Kim and tells them a bizarre story about how she can’t come to the party because she’s fallen in love in the last 48 hours and she and this guy are taking a helicopter somewhere. While Taylor is talking over Kyle’s speaker, the sisters look at each other in confusion. Kyle asks if it’s okay if Kennedy stays with her and Portia for the weekend while Taylor’s gone, and Taylor asks, “Oh, you have Kennedy?”
Soon, Marisa, Adrienne, and Faye gather at the table to discuss the shocking phone call. Kim notes that Taylor sounded tipsy, and of course is worried that Taylor didn’t know where her daughter was during all of this.
After Kim’s surgeon arrives to the party, she gathers everyone on the deck to give them a heartfelt speech thanking them all for supporting her during such a dark time in her life. In her interview, Kyle says that the fact that Kim is finally talking openly is a sign she’s on the right track. After retreating to her room to have the bandage removed, she comes back outside to show off her new nose. Adrienne comments on how beautiful her nose is, and then says that Paul would’ve done just as good a job. She even says that Paul is the best, making this the first time she’s ever complimented him probably. If we didn’t already know that they later get divorced and she’s dating Rod Stewart’s son who is 19 years her junior, this would be a really nice moment.
The next day, while the Nasif/ Maloof family is outside by the pool, they notice an emergency helicopter flying overhead. Suddenly they see smoke and a huge fire at the Vanderpump’s old house. Adrienne panics, rounds up the kids and gets them into the car to get them away from the fire. Paul doesn’t want to get in the car, and think it’s not that big of a deal. Yeah, there’s just a house on fire across the street. Nothing to worry about.
Kyle’s putting the final touches on the white party, and one of the decorators has set up a giant inflatable octopus thing near the roof. It’s quickly vetoed by Kyle, who finds it both appalling and gross. Good call, Kyle.
Paul and Adrienne are on their way to the party, and guess what they talk about? Brandi. The whole thing seems staged, because not once during this part do they start bickering.
While Kyle and Faye are doing their own makeup in her bathroom, Kyle says she hopes this party will go smoothly, since last year’s was such a disaster. If it wasn’t a disaster, it wouldn’t be on TV. But hey, you tried.
Ken and Lisa get to the party, and tell Marisa that when they heard about the fire, they immediately thought their current house was burning. Still, it was emotional to learn the news that it was their old place, because that’s where Pandora got married.
Adrienne and Paul arrive, hoping to not have a run-in with Brandi. They decide to say hi to Lisa, but only after Mauricio fixes them a strong drink. Adrienne says she’s worried about getting her spray-tan all over all the white, and Lisa smiles and lets her know that it wouldn’t be the second time: She’s gotten her tan all over Lisa’s couch, which then had to be re-covered.
Taylor arrives at the party, and fills Kim in on her crazy weekend trip with her mystery man. She says she doesn’t know when she’ll see him again, but that she had a great time. Kim tries her best to not look irritated, and her eyes just kind of glaze-over as Taylor continues to speak.
Brandi’s anxiety rises when she sees Paul and Adrienne, and she pulls Lisa aside to tell her how she’s feeling. Lisa advises her to just sit down with them and have a civil conversation. She goes inside with a couple friends to cool down, and then asks one of her friends to ask Adrienne to come in and talk with her.
Paul goes in with Adrienne for the sit-down, and it starts out relatively well. Brandi and Adrienne both say that they don’t want to be fighting and they don’t want to hire lawyers, but it gets heated when Adrienne denies filing legal action against her, despite Brandi getting a warning letter from their lawyer.
Meanwhile, Taylor tells Lisa and Kyle that is just too similar to what she and Camille went through last year with Russell, when he sent Camille a letter with the intent to sue. Taylor says that none of this is fair, because friends don’t sue friends (note: Taylor wasn’t involved in Russell trying to sue Camille, but Adrienne was vocal in first saying that “friends don’t sue friends”), especially because Adrienne knows that Brandi doesn’t have the money to fight the case. “It’s a double-standard, and it’s wrong,” she says. Since when do people only sue you when you have money?
Things go from bad to worse when the other wives and husbands gather around the discussion. Ken calls all of this “bullsh*t,” saying that they can’t sue Brandi when they just accused Lisa of selling stories. He says that Adrienne’s accusations had an effect on their business, to which Paul rebuts by saying that Lisa calling Adrienne shoe line “Maloof Hoofs” affected her business. Ken disagrees, declaring, “That MADE her shoe line!”
Paul, out of things to say, tells Ken to leave with his wife and his “girlfriend” Brandi, and Ken obliges. He motions for Brandi to get up from the couch, and the three of them leave Adrienne either smiling or scowling. It’s always hard to tell what kind of face she’s making.
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.