By Karen Malmquist
ON THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF AMERICA’S CLASSIEST SOAP OPERA, we get a shocking look into Lisa’s sexy past, and a face-to-plastic-face between Brandi and Adrienne. The pink drinks are a’flowing as fast as the accusations, because Lisa thought it would be a great idea to bring the angriest people in Beverly Hills together. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t.
We open with Mauricio laughing at Kyle, who struggles to put her rack of extra clothes back in her closet. After she’s done falling down, she tells him that she’s going over to Lisa’s to have a talk with her about Vegas and try to patch things up.
When she gets to Lisa’s, they make small talk about her backyard until the argument about Sur comes up. Kyle says that Lisa defended herself and proved Camille wrong quick enough that she didn’t think she didn’t need to be defended. They both say that there’s already too much drama in the group, and Lisa acknowledges that all of the fighting is taking a toll on Kyle. Lisa says she wishes Kyle had stuck up for her when Adrienne accused her of selling stories, but Kyle says that Lisa is probably still holding a grudge about that fight and is taking it out on her. After Kyle gets teary-eyed, she and Lisa decide to drink to “moving on and moving forward.”
Yolanda has decided to get close to Brandi, after practically falling in love with her during the Vegas pole dancing class. She says she loves Brandi’s honesty, and that they’re both so different, so she invites her over to hang out and watch GG ride her horse. Brandi thanks her for trying to diffuse all the nonsense at the dinner party, and Yolanda says it needed to be done — Adrienne was trying to use her “rich girl” status to try and intimidate Brandi for no reason. All the ladies are invited to Lisa’s upcoming tea party, but Yolanda can’t go, so she reminds Brandi to “just keep looking forward, because who is Adrienne Maloof in this world, anyway?”
Yolanda then delivers the saddest moment in Housewives history: she tells Brandi that she feels bad for not being able to put more money into GG’s horseback riding. While most kids have three or four horses, GG only has one. Hear that? That’s the sound of the world’s tiniest diamond-encrusted violin.
Brandi arrives first to the tea party, and after marveling at the hot servers from Sur, she’s reminded by Lisa to keep her trap shut around Adrienne. Taylor shows up next, bringing a gift for her and Ken as a kind of “get well” after his hip surgery: a vibrator.
Lisa has too many things to do to give Taylor a tour of the house, so she had Brandi do the honors. Brandi takes her around the house, pretending it’s her place, and the two are amazed to see an old-school classy nude photograph of Lisa in Ken’s closet. Well, her lady bits are covered by a fur throw, but it’s enough for Brandi and Taylor to blush and run.
Marisa arrives, ruining th pink color scheme by daring to wear a white dress. Now the balance is off, and things are probably going to get really ugly right about now. Just to make sure that no one will throw any punches, Lisa asks Taylor to confirm that she’s never sold any stories. Taylor agrees that there’s no way Lisa’s sold any stories to the press, and that it’s funny how Adrienne, the accuser, is the only person who’s actually been doing so.
Adrienne is on her way! Wearing all black and arriving in her limo, she looks like the rain cloud she’s been casting over this season. And, oh good, Faye is coming with her and Lisa. Adrienne is tired of Brandi “dictating her life,” since, you know, Brandi’s the one throwing out lawsuits that Adrienne can’t afford.
Everyone is shocked and a little scared to see that Faye has tagged along. Brandi refers to her and Adrienne as “the evil bunch,” which seems appropriate.
Lisa gets a call from Kim. Big surprise, she can’t come to the party. Apparently her new puppy hit her in the face? I wish there was more on this story, but sadly, Kim has left us in a cloud of mystery.
It’s time for “tea” to start. This tea party is really hard drinks and fancy sandwiches outside with pink decorations — and presents! Everybody gets personalized PJs from Lisa, who kicks things off by telling the table that everyone is going to put their differences aside and be grateful for what they have. Things are off to a great start. After everyone jokes about Taylor’s gymnastics in Ojai, she makes a “joke” that she doesn’t want anyone to get sued if she hurts herself while showing off her moves. You can now cut the tension with a machete, so Lisa asks Taylor and Brandi to “help her carry something inside.” She tells them to cut the crap and the drop the innuendos about suing each other.
Meanwhile, Adrienne tells the rest of the table that she’s not suing Brandi, and that Brandi doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Taylor comes back to the table, and asks Adrienne what’s going on with the lawsuit. Even though Adrienne denies everything, Taylor can sense she’s lying, because Brandi would not have hired a lawyer if she wasn’t getting sued. When Brandi sits back down, Taylor asks her if she got a letter threatening a lawsuit from Adrienne, and of course Adrienne can hear them talking. Adrienne calls out Brandi for accusing her and Paul’s chef Bernie of selling stories. Apparently he’s told a bunch of media outlets that Brandi is an “unfit mother” who “drinks in front of her kids,” which Brandi of course felt the need to respond to. Adrienne’s mode of defense is to just point her finger and say “shame on you” until Brandi has had enough and leaves the table. So much for Lisa’s “peaceful” tea party.
Next week, the husbands get involved at the White Party, with Ken going to bat for Brandi, and Paul throwing insults at him.
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.