By Karen Malmquist
HOLD ON TO YOUR WEAVES! Season Five of The Real Housewives of Atlanta kicked off Sunday with a new, crazy-eyed housewife who expects the world to know who she is. Kenya Moore screams at Cynthia’s employees and co-workers about lady parts, and it looks like she’s only going to get more insane as we go. Think of her as a cross between Danielle Staub and Glen Close in Fatal Attraction.NeNe’s got new hair and a seemingly better relationship with Gregg. She tells him that her show, NBC’s The New Normal, films in LA soon, so she’s thinking about moving out there right away. In her interview, she makes a jab at Kim by saying, “When I move into where Kim was raised — I mean, my trailer for The New Normal… Oh, man. Gregg suddenly wants to move back into NeNe’s life, but she seems hesitant. Oh, by the way, NeNe is “very rich,” as she continues to point out.
Kandi introduces us to her boyfriend Todd, who she met during the show’s trip to Africa. He works in TV production, seemingly for Bravo, and the two spent the night they met just talking and getting to know each other. They’re now planning to move in together, and want to eventually get married and have a baby. Once they’re done with their lunch date, Kandi asks the waiter to just put their food together “because it’s going to the same place”. Awww.
Kim is pregnant again, and opening presents for KJ and the new baby. Remember when she fired Sweetie? Well, she’s back, and tweeting when Kim asks her for help. Kim and Kroy’s house is in trouble, because after spending hundreds of thousands of dollars decorating and renovating, it appraised for a lot less than desired. Now they can’t afford to buy the house and need to move out, but moving out is supposedly going to cost them over $100,000. Was U-Haul not available? Maybe they should get a loan from NeNe.
Phaedra is expanding her funeral business to the animal world — she wants to be “the Vera Wang of animal funerals.” She might also be the only anything of animal funerals. She meets with a local animal shelter owner to tell her about her plans, and asks if she can be the shelter’s go-to for funerals. The owner agrees, pushing her out the door before she see the dogs she’s dying to bury.”
Cynthia’s baby daddy Leon comes over to talk to her and Peter about their daughter Noelle’s schooling situation. Cynthia and Peter say that Noelle isn’t happy with her school, and that she should continue being home-schooled. Leon thinks she needs to go back to regular school. Noelle runs down the stairs to join the conversation, saying that she never wanted to be home-schooled in the first place. Leon jokes that Noelle can go to her school during the week, and Cynthia can home school her on the weekends. He and Peter laugh, while Cynthia tries not to by rolling her eyes at them.
New housewife Kenya Moore meets with Miss Lawrence to catch up over lunch. She’s known Miss Lawrence, hairstylist to the housewives, for over ten years, and he’s excited that she’s finally moving back to Atlanta. She’s seeing a man named Walter, but since she’s rejected six marriage proposals before, she’s gonna need someone extra special to lead the high horse she comes riding in on.
Kenya’s a former Miss USA, as well as an alleged actress/ producer/ author/ director, etc. She’s been living in LA, producing “feature films” (straight-to-DVD) and everything, but she’s ready for her and Walter to move to Atlanta and start a life together.
Kim visits Kandi’s new house, which has yet to be decorated or occupied. It includes a guest house, and apparently she got a really great deal on it. Kandi’s only spending $59 an hour for a moving company to help relocate, while Kim says she has to pay $101,000 to move her and Kroy’s stuff and put it in storage until they find a new place. Kim and Sweetie try to give Kandi decorating advice, but it seems Kandi has scurried off before she can get any gaudy tips from her.
NeNe meets with The New Normal creator Ryan Murphy for dinner in LA to discuss the show. He tells her that he wants Taye Diggs to play her younger brother, and is looking for a love interest for her character. The two start discussing a dinner he threw to raise money for Obama, and it turns into NeNe trying to call Tyler Perry. As she’s saying she’s good friends with Tyler, the “this number has been disconnected” message comes on.
Cynthia’s agency is doing a casting call to find Jet magazine’s Beauty of the Week. She asks Kenya to help with judging, and initially Kenya is sweet to the models. Then she starts making digs during the girls’ auditions. She thinks they look inappropriate, and she expresses this in front of the Jet employees. Cynthia definitely doesn’t like Kenya repeatedly saying “cootchie crack” when talking about the models, and has a much more positive outlook on all the models. Meanwhile, Cynthia’s employees tell Kenya to stop belittling everyone, and Kenya asks who they think they are. While they tell Kenya to be more respectful, she calls for security. Cynthia wonders, “What security?”, but then in comes Kenya’s bodyguard. Kenya says that she needs her bodyguard wherever she goes. Of course she does; being snide can incite violence. Cynthia thinks having a guard is dumb.
Then the beauty finalists all amass return and Cynthia congratulates them on their hard work and thanks them for coming. Then Kenya stands up and tells them they should be proud of themselves and that they’re all beautiful. Since this is HER agency, Cynthia gets up and delivers a similar message. Clearly they’re both irritated with each other, but you gotta admire Cynthia for not jumping across the table and pummeling those blue color contacts right out of Kenya’s eyes.
Previews suggest that NeNe and Kim continue to be civil with each other, while new girl Kenya tries to break up Phaedra’s marriage with Apollo. Kim loses her house, and NeNe is in a parade for some reason.
Meanwhile, no one seems to notice that Sheree is gone.
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.