SNIFF SNIFF

The Day Debauchery Died: Mourning Jersey Shore

By Karen Malmquist

WE’VE HAD A FULL DAY OF HEALING AND YET THE WOUNDS REMAIN RAW AS WE recover from one of the most devastating events in television history: the death of Jersey Shore.

THE END OF AN ERA

Jersey Shore Finale: Overly-Attached Guidos

By Karen Malmquist

BEFORE THE APOCALYPSE BEFALLS US, BEFORE FIRE SPILLS FROM THE SKY and the Earth’s crust splits open, let’s take a moment to reflect on the final episode of Jersey Shore. Of course, it can’t be too sappy. There are unmentionables making their way into the roommates’ mouths, and we experience yet another horrific moment in Nicole’s life. But dammit if this isn’t one of the saddest finales in television history.

NO HARD FEELINGS

Jersey Shore Recap: Waking Ghosts In The Machines

By Karen Malmquist

AS THE END APPROACHES FOR OUR FAVORITE HOT MESSES, the Jersey Shore gang to put their differences aside and hug it out like a couple of reunited drunk college girls at a party.

SNEAKY DICKENS

Jersey Shore: Padding The Ugly Truth

By Karen Malmquist

JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT THE SITUATION COULDN’T BE MORE SQUEAMISH ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP with human hot air balloon Paula, the gang discovers she’s got a secret hiding in her pants. Yep, just a typical night in Seaside Heights (RIP Seaside Heights) on Thursday’s Jersey Shore!

Deena is still a rolling meatball of emotion, crying that she needs to go home. It’s possible that she hasn’t been fully sober for the past three days, so what she really needs is to take it down a notch.

LATE BLOOMER

Jersey Shore Recap: Drunk Deena Keeps Walking The Line

By Karen Malmquist

NOW THAT DEENA’S SOBERED UP AFTER HER ARREST, it’s time for round two on Thursday’s Jersey Shore, this time with more hysterical crying.

Nicole almost sets her house on fire, Ronnie learns a little too much about Deena’s sex life, and Vinny and Pauly finally have the romantic photo shoot they’ve been dreaming of. But first…

SANDY SURVIVOR

It’s A Miracle Of — Antiobiotics? Jersey Shore‘s Seaside House Unscathed By Sandy

By Karen Malmquist

NOT SINCE NOAH’S ART HAS THE THE WORLD read such harrowing taleS of impending doom. Yet while Hurricane Sandy wreaked havoc up and down the Northeast, the devastation really hit Seaside Heights, New Jersey. But not to worry: no juice heads or gorillas’ blowouts were harmed in the storm. At least, no famous ones.

FROM MEATBALLS TO PEPPERONI

Jersey Shore Recap: ‘Officially’ Freaked Out

By Karen Malmquist

ONLY DEENA CORTESE COULD TURN DANCING INTO A CRIME. Take notes, terrible Footloose remake! This is how you break the law by busting an uncoordinated move.

On Thursday’s Jersey Shore, in a drunken frenzy the meatball throws herself a parade in the streets of Seaside Heights, and the police are surprisingly not okay with this.

Deena’s cuffed and thrown into what Ron calls affectionately “The Drunk Tank,” and Sam is shaken and crying. Ron awkwardly asks, “Sooo… Can we keep drinking now?”

MEATBALL PROBLEMS

Jersey Shore Recap: Prelude To Epic

By Karen Malmquist

“MEATBALL PROBLEMS” WAS redefined Thursday when Deena got drunk, Pauly’s friends started “the biggest fight of their lives,” Nicole fretted over her nipples, and a random girl wanders into the house.

To avoid the crazy that could affect her pregnancy, Nicole decides to get her own place nearby. Jenni and Pauly help Nicole move in to her new shore house, which she’s calling “the pregnancy house.” Ronnie stops by to make sure she has room for a TV. Nicole looks at Ron like he’s crazy, but seriously, where is she gonna put her TV?

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

Jersey Shore: The Longest Goodbye

By Karen Malmquist

“I JUST DON’T WANT A LOT OF DRAMA, LIKE LAST TIME,” SAYS Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, who seems to say this every time a new season of Jersey Shore begins, as if she’s unaware of what show she’s on and that her life has become The Truman Show. Well, if the dramatics are what put the gang and Seaside Heights, NJ on the map, why stop now? Judging by the fact that one of the roommates starts crying when another asks about furniture, this is season is going to be one hot mess of an emotional roller coaster.

BOARDWALK MEMORIES

The End Of A Cultural Phenomenon: The Jersey Shore Wraps

By Karen Malmquist

IT’S THE END OF AN ERA,THE CLOSING OF AN EPIC CHAPTER IN America’s pop culture history: Jersey Shore is ending. The upcoming season will be the reality show’s sixth and final season.

Let’s all bow our heads in silence.