TRUE NORTH? DON’T BET ON IT

Kimye’s Baby Looks Something Like This

ADMIT IT: AREN’T YOU EXCITED FOR THAT FIRST PEEK AT BABY KIMYE’S CHUBBY CHEEKS? To hear that first declaration that Nori has his eyes and her nose and — oh, gawd, Bey and Jay are going to be so jealous?

I thought so. So TADA! here she is — not? TMZ claims the above snap is being shopped around for “A LOT OF $$$$” by a friend of Kim Kardashian who claims it’s a photo of the reality star’s baby with Kanye West.

But hold your horses, folks, ’cause the online tabloid claims the photo is a “FRAUD!”

THE ‘NORTH’ STAR

Oh, Gawd, They Didn’t: Kanye & Kim Name Baby ‘North West’

By Elizabeth Coady

OH, GOD, TELL US YOU DIDN’T DO IT, KANYE & KIMMIE.

TMZ and People are claiming that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian actually did name their newborn daughter North. Meaning her given name is ‘North West.’ No middle name. No Donda in honor of Ye’s deceased mother. No K as in Kitten, which I was rooting for, or Kaidence as reported earlier.

US reports that the couple have already adopted Nori as her nickname.

The baby Gemini was born Saturday five weeks prematurely at Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

SUGAR AND SUGAR

Kim’s Having A Girl & Guessing Game Turns To Baby’s Name

THE CAT’S OUT OF THE BAG, AND KIM KARDASHIAN IS GIFTING THE WORLD A BABY WITH A VAGINA. Hearty congrats all around!

There’s obvious benefits to Kimye having a girl. There’s the encyclopedic tips on makeup and hair she’ll be privy to from her well-coiffed aunties. She’ll learn first-hand the material gratification that pretty girls can score through proper eyelash batting. And, as a female Kardashian, she’ll not be required to play basketball or music or other people, as do the current crop of the Kardashian lesser halves. All she’ll have to do is look pretty.

On the down side? All she’ll have to do is look pretty. Plastic surgery is inevitable. And the competition between Kim and Beyoncé will now extend beyond booties, bank accounts and baby daddies. Won’t be long before tabloids are comparing Blue Ivy to the little ‘K’ Kardashian.

ASUNDER

Love Celebrity Style: RPatz Moves Out, January Stays Mum & Kanye Keeps Kim At Bay?

By Elizabeth C.

OLD VAMPIRE STORIES NEVER DIE, THEY’RE JUST REVIVED TO HAUNT OUR DREAMS ANOTHER DAY. And so we report that the on-again-off-again love between Twilight bloodsuckers Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart has grown moribund once more.

The comely duo reportedly got into a huge row on Pattinson’s 27th birthday on May 13. A source told Hollywood Life that “Rob is not treating Kristen like a princess and she’s getting fed up with it. He’s not as into it as he was before the cheating — not giving her special treatment like he used to. She feels unloved and that’s why they fought. They’re not split, but they’re holding on by a string.”

But then on Sunday photos emerged of Pattinson driving a pickup truck filled with belongings he allegedly fetched from Stewart’s house. “Suitcases, a bike, trash bags full of his things,” a source tells Life & Style.

THAT’S WHACK

Credit: Zillow, Time,Jezebel

Kimye’s Housing Crisis, Lauer’s Torture & A “Cunt Odyssey”

By Miz J

KIMYE HAS A BIG PROBLEM with a little crib.

Specifically, the new Bel Air manse Kim and Kanye bought back in February, which is totally gutted at the moment. Since they’ve sold their separate houses—Kanye’s Hollywood Hills bachelor pad went for $3.3 million and Kim’s Beverly Hills place for $5 mil—they don’t have to go home, but they can’t stay there.

Now, tongues are wagging about Kimye being “homeless,” to which we say “bitch, please.”

CAN SECRETS BE BORING?

‘Secret Files’ Site Reveals Alleged Addresses, Credit Records of Celebrity High Fliers

By Elizabeth C.

BECAUSE I COVER THE NEWS IN BLOGGING FORMAT, it was my duty to check out the website linking to alleged personal information on a baker’s dozen of high-profile personalities.

The domain headlined “The Secret Files,” carried Russia’s “SU” suffix and showed a demonic child putting a finger to her lips. The tagline: “If you believe that God makes miracles, you have to wonder if Satan has a few up his sleeve.” An Illuminati reference perhaps?

The hacker’s hit list was a who’s who of the high profile: Beyonce, Jay-Z, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Donald Trump, Mel Gibson, Ashton Kutcher, Joe Biden, Robert Mueller, Hillary Clinton, Eric Holder and LAPD Chief Charlie Beck.

SNAP!

It’s L’Officiel: Kim & Kanye Get Steamy For The Cameras

By Elizabeth C.

OH LA LA! Here’s Kim and Kanye feigning getting sweaty for the cover of the French men’s magazine L’Officiel Hommes. Or maybe they’re actually doing the dirty. Or maybe they got aroused while pretending for the cameras. Yep, that’s it. They got orgasmic because of the cameras.

We gotta come up with another phrase for “fame whores” because Kimye is turning it into a cliche. Headline harlots? Click trollops? Neither quite has the ring as fame ho. How about whores for cash? Because the truth is every time they flash some flesh these two laugh all the way to their Swiss bank accounts. Baby Kimye will be well provided for. No hand-me-downs for Kitten!! That’s the name I’ve anointed her until Kimye announces the real “K” name.

BITE-SIZED TIDBITS

Whack Wednesday

Kim Kardashian’s Auto-Erotical Fantasies, Lisa Lampanelli’s Loose Lips & Chicago’s ‘Taste’ Loses Flavor

By Miz J

ANOTHER SECOND, ANOTHER KIM KARDASHIAN UPDATE. That gal is really milking every single one of those 15 minutes, taking some glossy shots of her barely-there bump for DuJour Magazine. We know, we’ve never heard of that magazine, either, and yes, we’re looking into whether it’s a Kris Jenner-owned-and-operated-enterprise. Because at this point, what DON’T you know about that krazy family? And do you know what’s even krazier? When answering a Cosompolitan sex survey about what she’d do if she were a man for a day, Kim declared: “I would want to know what it’s like to have sex with myself. I would just want to know what it would feel like.” Never change, kray kray, never change.

THE DOCTOR IS IN

Shrink Labeled Kim Jenner ‘Narcissistic’ & ‘Manipulative'(And Rain Is Wet)

By Elizabeth C.

THIS IS DEEP, YA’LL. AND SO ICKY THAT I’m grimacing as I type: In Touch has gotten hold of Kris Jenner’s past court-ordered mental evaluation and it doesn’t paint a pretty picture of the Kardashian momanager.

The six-page report is chocked full of words like “narcissistic” and “manipulative” and “hystrionic” (sic) and “pleasure-oriented.” And it suggests she suffers from “a Cinderella attitude where situations resulted in everyone living ‘happily ever after.’”

This explain the Kardashian sisters, yes? I’ve wondered how Kimmie K. will manage the bleak realities of old age. Or is she incapable of suffering as long as there’s a mirror she can gaze in? A camera she can use to post on Instagram?

BITE-SIZED TIPS

Whack Wednesday: Kim’s Stress, Mail-less Saturdays & Beyonce’s ‘Bad’ Pictures

By Miz J

KIM KARDASHIAN’S NOTORIOUS DIVORCE, WHICH SURPRISED NO ONE YET IS MANAGING TO DRAG ON TWICE AS LONG AS THE MARRIAGE, is stressing her out and putting the Kimye baby at risk. According to TMZ, the divorce is “the only significant stress in her life,” which, hey, must be nice. We’re fully in the Humphries camp on this one — and maybe it’s time Kim actually experienced some real-life difficulty before she becomes a parent, eh?