DEBUTANTE

Did Blue Ivy Join Beyonce On Stage In London?

SOMEBODY WAS UP WAAAY PAST HER BEDTIME, BUT THE QUESTION ON THE INTERNET’S MIND IS: WAS THAT BLUE IVY?

The diabolical divalicious Beyonce brought a wee one on stage during her Saturday concert stop in London on the Mrs. Carter tour. A video of the scene was posted to TheCazza1970 account on YouTube, and Vibe reports that it was Beyonce’s one-year-old daughter Blue Ivy, a claim that YouTube commentators weren’t completely sold on.

I wasn’t there so I can’t confirm the truth. But who other than a deluded diva would think that a one-year-old girl would be perfect prop at a concert?

QUEEN B**CH

Beyoncé Demands Us All To Bow Down

By Jacob Wittich

WHO RUNS THE WORLD? Beyoncé. Now bow down, b***hes.

The Bey Hive buzzed with excitement when the Queen Bey surprised the world by dropping a new song on her Tumblr yesterday.

Bow Down / I Been On features the same aggressive style fans are familiar with from her previous works like Diva and Run the World (Girls)” yet contains an urban element not always present in Beyoncé’s music.

Sings Bey: I took some time to live my life, but don’t think I’m just his little wife. Don’t get it twisted, get it twisted, this my sh-t, bow down, b***hes,” Beyoncé sings aggressively over the up-tempo high-pitched track.

CAN SECRETS BE BORING?

‘Secret Files’ Site Reveals Alleged Addresses, Credit Records of Celebrity High Fliers

By Elizabeth C.

BECAUSE I COVER THE NEWS IN BLOGGING FORMAT, it was my duty to check out the website linking to alleged personal information on a baker’s dozen of high-profile personalities.

The domain headlined “The Secret Files,” carried Russia’s “SU” suffix and showed a demonic child putting a finger to her lips. The tagline: “If you believe that God makes miracles, you have to wonder if Satan has a few up his sleeve.” An Illuminati reference perhaps?

The hacker’s hit list was a who’s who of the high profile: Beyonce, Jay-Z, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Donald Trump, Mel Gibson, Ashton Kutcher, Joe Biden, Robert Mueller, Hillary Clinton, Eric Holder and LAPD Chief Charlie Beck.

KICKING UP CONTROVERSY

PETA Slams Beyonce For Treating Exotic Skins As Swag

By Elizabeth C.

WHEN YOU’RE THE PRE-EMINENT MISTRESS OF THE UNIVERSE, all the world’s your swag. Any righteous Beyonce fan will tell you that God created pigs and oxen so that she can skin them alive to meet her needs. So too ostriches, stingrays and crocodiles. ‘Cause what part of no does Queen B understand? Zip; there is no part of no that Bey can wrap her wiggy head around.

But even God’s chosen ones must perennially battle enemies. And those worshippers of false gods over at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have a problem with Bey. Seems the Crazy In Love singer is crazy about using exotic animals to make her footwear, most recently contracting with Perfectly Made Kicks for the “King Bey Isabel Marant Sneaker Wedge” “made from crocodile and anaconda skins, stingray, ostrich, and calf hair.” Which means a whole lot of animals had to die to please God’s Mistress.

PUT DOWN THE KOOL-AID, FOLKS

Beyoncé, Blue Ivy & The Magically Disappearing Baby Weight

By Elizabeth C.

THE LIFE OF BEYONCÉ, PRE-EMINENT MISTRESS OF THE UNIVERSE, patriotic lip-syncer, Super Bowl power blaster,
home movie dream weaver, is bordering on parody.

Bey’s soda-cap-deep hagiography Life Is But A Dream has finally aired, and the critics have spoken, and spoken and spoken. And the consensus is: Beyoncé is drowning in self-reverential bunk.

SWAG HAS ITS LIMITS

And Now For Some Counterprogramming To the Justin Timberlake Onslaught: Chris Brown’s Don’t Judge Me

By Elizabeth C.

IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T FIGURED IT OUT YET, I’M GENETICALLY INCAPABLE OF BEING A SHEEPLE. Feel sorry for me because it makes life harder. But you gotta be who you are, right?

So I’m confessing here and now: Justin Timberlake makes my skin crawl, and particularly in his latest iteration of swag, Suit & Tie. As hard as he’s tries, there’s no soul, no real depth in this jazzy muzak which you just know you’re about to hear on every on-hold soundtrack in America. Even David Fincher’s decision to shoot the video in black and white seems contrived. It’s fitting that Target is sponsoring this mass-produced plastic. Justin Timberlake is an organic productpropagating itself.

BITE-SIZED TIDBITS

Whack Wednesday: Bey’s Delusions, Bieber’s Diss & Mrs. Huxtable’s Good Judgment

By Miz J

OKAY, GUYS, HERE’S THE THING. We love Beyoncé as much as the next person, but we had to laugh at this quote from her, which the singer offered up at the premiere of Life is But a Dream, — a documentary about Beyoncé, directed by Beyoncé, starring Beyoncé:

“I felt like it was time. I felt like after 16 years of being a singer, people didn’t know who I was, which was conscious because I feel like mystique is very important and I will always keep certain things to myself because it’s only natural.”

MYSTIQUE? Let’s not get carried away here, Bey. It’s only February and already you’ve performed at the Presidential inauguration (complete with lip synching mini-scandal), and the Superbowl AND you’ve released this documentary (complete with red carpet premiere). Your exposure is teetering on Kardashian levels, my dear.

LIFE IS BUT A DREAM

Credit: vogue

Beyoncé In Vogue: Supernatural Woman

By Elizabeth C.

LORD JESUS SHE’S ON FIRE: SWEET BROWN Beyoncé is burning hot in 2013. Lip-syncing her way into Inauguration history, fiercing leading the Super Bowl halftime show, producing a slick HBO hagiography about herself, announcing the Mrs. Carter tour, and now gracing the cover of Vogue‘s March issue.

On the cover the R&B Queen wears Givenchy by Riccardo Tisci in black and white, no doubt a subtle tie-in to the Justin Timberlake-Jay-Z tour just announced. The POTUS Of SwagNation and his new wife were sartorially coordinated in the same colors with Mr. And Mrs. Shawn Carter at Sunday night’s Grammy Awards. And in the days since, Timberlake has joined Instagram, adding “tons of sexy black-and-white snaps.” Do not make the mistake of thinking her cover outfit was happenstance; there are no accidents in such choreographed careers.

A MELLIFLUOUS MELTING POT

Justin Timberlake: POTUS Of SWAGNATION

By Elizabeth C.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE WAS THE POTUS OF SWAG NATION at this year’s Grammys as the music award show served up a melting pot from red states and blue, and proving we’re all better for the mix.

The night’s common denominator: talent with heaps of attitude. And Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z’s swag may have outweighed talent in their albeit polished performance of Suit & Tie, followed by JT’s solo of Pusher Love Girl. Mrs. Carter, with help from Ellen Degeneres, introduced JT’s comeback performance with a command for the audience to rise. Then Jay-Z joined him onstage, and his constituents responded as though he was the hope they’d been waiting for.

BITE-SIZED TIPS

Whack Wednesday: Kim’s Stress, Mail-less Saturdays & Beyonce’s ‘Bad’ Pictures

By Miz J

KIM KARDASHIAN’S NOTORIOUS DIVORCE, WHICH SURPRISED NO ONE YET IS MANAGING TO DRAG ON TWICE AS LONG AS THE MARRIAGE, is stressing her out and putting the Kimye baby at risk. According to TMZ, the divorce is “the only significant stress in her life,” which, hey, must be nice. We’re fully in the Humphries camp on this one — and maybe it’s time Kim actually experienced some real-life difficulty before she becomes a parent, eh?