NEW FEATURE
Tabloid Trash Talk
Bell Bottoms, Chachispawn, John Travolta, And Other Shit That Frights In The Night
THE OBAMA FAMILY CONTINUES THEIR REIGN OF SUPREMACY, with the president-elect confessing to Us Weekly that he thinks he's a "pretty cool dad." And the inset is the "Hot Stars" of Twilight. Dear Robert Pattinson, that hair is not "hot."
The first feature is a two-page Katie Holmes fashion spread. I contend that none of those pants are either "casual" or "cool." I'm going to have nightmares about $275 bell-bottoms tonight, thank you Us!
Us declares "No More Kids for Chachi!" And I say, "Thank God!" I don't think the world needs any more chachispawn. Gretchen Mol's kid is cute but with a name like Ptolemy he's destined for the life of an uber-math nerd. Poor little guy.
The "They're Just Like Us" spread is on pages 30-31. I'm not buying it. I can't afford court side seats to a Lakers' game like Kate Hudson. And I sure as hell know that Andy Dick will never, ever be like any of us. Then there's this Jessica Szohr chick trying on ridiculous boots. She might be like us. I don't know. I've never heard of her. (Ohhhh, she's a Gossip Girl. Now I get it.)
The gloryholing of Barack Obama's life continues on page 45. Blah blah blah, continuity in his daughters' lives. Blee blee blooh, inevitable comparison to JFK. Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin closes the story with this choice quote: "We're aware that we're transplanting a family that might have looked very much like someone we might know into this magical place, the White House." Bwahaha. I'm sorry but maaaagicaaaaal. Gimme a break. We've have definitely run out of "news" on the Obamas.
The next two pages are reruns of photos that have been floating around since the election. Oh, and a side bar about the First Puppy, the darling of the 24-hour news cycle. The story goes on for four more pages, mostly photos of the girls. There's a side-by-side on their likes, hobbies, career plans (how old are they?), their pet peeves and thoughts on their new home. Girls, get used to charts and comparisons.
Brit's babe Jayden's trip to the emergency room is covered briefly. It was something he ate, they say. Dad didn’t even fly in, so he’s going to be OK. And then the piece goes on to discuss Brit’s appearance at the Madonna concert and how she’s looking forward to making a come back. Bring it.
Us FINALLY introduces us to the kid from Twilight. I gotta say he’s hotter as Cedric Diggory. But he’s also a musician! And he’s hoping to record a CD! Hooray! We have so few mediocre actors crossing over into music. We almost ran out! Thank you, Robert Pattinson (and Joaquin Phoenix)!
OK! Magazine
OK! TANTALIZES US WITH Brad & Angie’s Bedroom Secrets! How hard can it be for two of the most beautiful people on the planet to keep their sex life sizzling?
Why is SATC still relevant? Aren't we done with them? Apparently not, because here's a first page story in OK! Lesson: Don’t make Sarah Jessica Parker ANGRY. You won’t like her when she’s angry.
Page Five Question: Is Grey’s Flatlining? Answer: Yes. Assist its suicide. Dump it, alphabet network.
The two-page spread on Suri Cruise proves that she’s too cute for words and we’ll all be in deep doo-doo when she ascends to power and we’re incapable of resisting.
Not to be overshadowed by a toddler, Katy Perry has her own two pages of kooky fashion. I am sort of in love with the wack carousel dress she wore to the MTV Europe Music Awards. Just for the size of the balls it takes to let someone dress you like that.
Inside Michelle’s Private World keeps the tabloid Obamania going, opening with a meta-warning to the future First Lady. “Her style, her opinions, her body languge – all will be analyzed in detail as she adjusts to her new role.” Apparently Mrs. Obama likes to look pretty. Woah! Step back. That is revolutionary and definitely newsworthy. I don’t know what we’d do, as a nation, if we had a First Lady who wasn’t a fashion plate. Oh look, thank you OK! Here are two pages of Michelle Obama’s fashions. Now you can dress just like her! This is where I would usually make fun of what she paid for her outfits but eh, these aren’t actually that pricey. Damn.
OK! also gives us the low-down on the First Hairdo and also the First Daughters’ wardrobe. And then there’s that damn dog again.
The next story should boost the hearts and egos of pear-shaped girls everywhere. Kate Winslet still feels like a fat girl. It’s all over for the rest of us. Allegedly, Kate fluctuates between a size 6 and 8. I can only hope to be so fat. But at least she’s got a modicum of self-awareness, saying “You know why I fear people’s judgment? Because I know they’re judging.” Touché.
In the Battle Of The Vampire Hunks I have all of my money on Stephen Moyer, Trueblood’s Bill Compton. I’m sorry Robert, that half-assed Morrissey do doesn’t do it for me. Also, you’ got too much blush on.
And this’ll make you queasy: Ty Pennington shows off his collection of airplane vomit bags. The perfect Christmas gift! But he already has 340 of them, so ask before he ends up with duplicates!
OK’s report on Jayden’s trip to the E.R. is more narrative. Some heartwarming bullshit about the happy homecoming on the airport tarmac before they launch into the horror of seafood allergies. The tragedy of Brit’s first out of state visit with her kids is that it’s infringing on coverage of her triumphant, drama free performance at the Madonna concert. Seriously, she looks downright prim in that outfit. Where’s the old Britney? The director of the dance company where she’s been working out says “She’s a wonderful talent who hit a bump in the road.” Snort, more like a twenty car pile-up, bro.
Before we get to the steamy story on Brangelina we breeze past a boring side bar about Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel looking cute and voting. When did Justin become so boring? And there’ s non-news on Madonna, like how she ordered two plates of raw vegetables sent up to her Las Vegas hotel room for dinner. I’m just wondering how much two plates of raw veg costs when you’re ordering from Joel Robuchon. Cause I know I can get a vegetable platter from the local supermarket for, like, ten bucks. And it comes with free ranch dressing!
The big story on Brad and Ang is actually not so revealing. I expected more than an overshadowing photo of Jolie in leather and thigh-highs.
Dean McDermott lets us know he’s flattered to be thought of as “man candy.” Don’t get too excited. You married Tori-freakin-Spelling. Automatic point deduction there buddy. Sorry.
Star Magazine
FINALLY, THE STAR PROMISES US THE REAL STORY on Britney’s ER Drama above the masthead, and the rest of the cover is all Jennifer Aniston. I begin to understand why she doesn’t get much work. Her range of emotions goes from devastated to “in love.” Maybe she’s still got pluck. I don’t know. Oh, and also more Twilight vampire hunks. Yay.
The front page is some douche named Brody Jenner kissing some hot chick. Yadda yadda yadda. Hold. The. Phone! That’s John Travolta on the next page, and he’s BALD! With a goatee…and a man scarf? What the fuck is going on here? Weird.
The Kate Hudson photo from the Lakers’ game is on the next page. Same photo in all three mags. Must have been a cheap shot, no pun intended.
In a story that’s mostly pull quotes from Harper’s Bazaar it sounds like Lindsey Lohan is still trying to claw her way back to the top of the food chain. What is she, 22? And she’s already been to the bottom? Hold on sparkly girlfriend, you’ve got a long ride ahead of you.
Skipping a bunch of crap we get to the Britney/Jayden hospital drama and I can’t wait to hear the REAL story!! Oh, wait. It’s the same story. They just added more synonyms for “scared.” And also we’re told that they treated Jayden with Benadryl.
And here we are at the unavoidable Obama homage. Only two pages here but we still get more speculation on the dog. PICK A DOG ALREADY! We don’t have the patience for this sort of suspense after the campaign we just sat through. Jeez.
Mooooore Twilight vampires. Still not hot. Although he does have a nice jacket in that shot in the tree.
Jen Aniston finally gets to be heartbroken here on page 48. Betrayal, anguish, and has Brad had plastic surgery? We’ll probably never know. But what I do know is that, even if he’s famous, a father of six is going to look a little run down every once in a while. Give the guy a break. Oh, and apparently the Brad/Jen split was all her fault for having her priorities all messed up and not wanting to make beautiful surfer babies while she had the chance. Suck on it movie star lady. Tell it to your Emmies.
Onto Katie Holmes, who allegedly wants to live in New York but must escape the Thetan-powered pincher claws of her husband to do it. Good luck, call me if you need an Underground Railroad girlfriend!
Surprisingly, the final story is on Roy Orbison. I’m not entirely sure if the photo is actually of him though. My husband and I debated it for a while, but despite our suspicion we think no one's gonna pay an impersonator so we buy in. Apparently the dead rock legend has a new four-disc set coming out. Prolific thy name is Roy.
Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive.
Posted November 18, 2008
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