AFTER WEEKS OF PRETENDING WE DIDN’T KNOW SNOOKI WAS EXPECTING A BABY BOY, America put on their best surprised faces during Thursday’s Snooki & JWoww season finale. Now it’s time to get down to baby business: specifically, is she going to accidentally do her business all over little Lorenzo when he’s born?
Nicole finally knows what color paint to buy, so now she’s got to enroll in “pregnant class.” She and Jenni walk into the class with their fake babies in hand. She giggles when the teacher draws a diagram of a butt, and then asks if the other people in the class are worried about pooping on their babies while in labor. Nicole explains that she loves pooping, but doesn’t want her baby to be born with it all over him. Don’t say she isn’t considerate.
Back at home, Jenni cooks them dinner and they discuss their feelings about living together. Nicole explains that she wishes she could experience her pregnancy with Jionni, now that she’s in her second trimester. Also, it’d be a good break for Jenni, who looked so horrified during the pregnancy class that you could almost hear her ovaries shriveling up.
The next day, Jionni comes over to visit Nicole. She hands him the fake baby for him to take care of, and while he respects that she’s practicing being a mom, this thing is still a doll. Nicole’s not worried about Jionni with the fake baby, because she knows he’ll be a great dad when the real thing comes. In the meantime, though, she yells at Jionni whenever the fake baby starts crying.
Roger arrives at the apartment, since the four of them will be going out to dinner together. Roger takes the baby and sits down in the giant fluffy chair in the living room and starts rocking back and forth. Jenni notices the chair about to tip over, so she decides to finish the job and knock the whole chair over.
At dinner, the girls break the news that they’ll be moving out of the apartment so that Nicole can be with Jionni. Jionni likes the idea, apparently so much that when Roger dares him to take the cinnamon challenge, he accepts.
Nicole looks both amused and worried when he swallows the tablespoon of cinnamon the waiter brings him, but he manages to get through — oh, wait. Nevermind. He’s about to throw up!
The next day, the girls go out to lunch and discuss how to handle their relationships with their men. Nicole suggests they swap boyfriends for the night and surprise them with questions and whatnot. “I’m going to Barbara Walters that sh*t,” Snooki tells us. “I love Barbara,” says Jenni.
Jenni arrives at the restaurant where Jionni thought he’d be meeting Nicole, and Nicole shows up with her fake baby at Roger’s location. She asks Roger about the state of his relationship with Jenni, all while cradling and patting the fake baby. “How come you guys fight so much like over the littlest things,” Snooki asks. “It’s the same couple of things that we’ve fought about from day one,” Roger says. “The insecurities and the mistrust and the lying.” Snooki tells him she has seen him be mean to Jenni before and Roger admits it. “She hurts me because she does these things that I would never do to her…but you’re not seeing the hurt and the pain that I feel.”I
Jenni asks Jionni if he’s marrying her for Snooki’s new money. “I don’t have a private life any more,” he says. “If I didn’t love her, it would make no sense to be with her. It would make no sense. Money’s not worth what I’ve been through.” Jenni feels reassured that Nicole’s man is an okay guy. Nicole also left her date with Roger feeling better about his relationship with Jenni. “I don’t want to be with anybody else on the face of this planet,” Roger tells Snooki when she asks if JWoww is his soulmate. “I love Jenni.”
After their respective dates, Jenni tells Nicole all the great things she learned about Jionni on their date. Then Jenni asks about the date with Roger, and Nicole says not to worry because he is too in love with her to leave the relationship.
It may or may not be the very next day when the girls decide to pack up and leave Jersey City. They have their boyfriends over to help them move. “Boyfriends are manual labor,” declares Jenni in the truest words ever spoken. Both Roger and Jionni commence to packing for their ladies. “This is the most work you’ve done in three years,” Roger tells Jionni.
While they’re forced to carry heavy boxes full of leggings and tanning lotion, a sweet montage of the girls’ time in Jersey City plays. It’s basically Nicole yelling about Jenni’s peeing everywhere, except in slow motion. This is the season finale, after all, so of course MTV’s gotta show their most emotional milestones to finish off the show. “Wait, why are we leaving again?,” a teary Jenni asks Nicole. “Because you need to fix sh*t with Roger and I’m pregnant.” Aww, is Snooki growing up?
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.